tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33752164.post30244228910253477..comments2023-07-12T06:26:17.735-02:00Comments on Motherhood Deleted: A Word To Cowards and Other Rejecting MothersRobinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07580241881953821182noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33752164.post-13569834452531806472011-03-27T20:19:51.627-02:002011-03-27T20:19:51.627-02:00Thank you Robin. You are one of the few mothers t...Thank you Robin. You are one of the few mothers that has walked me through my journey of rejection. I am one of those adoptees that doesn't hate her nor am I one of those abandoner type of adoptees either. Sadly I am now being accused of being obsessed with adoption by my ex and my daughters. It hurts when I know that I helped both adoptees and mothers alike. In helping them get their reunions, I helped myself heal. I guess that I wasn't supposed to heal and grow up. I was expected to be a forever pitiful pearl.Amyadopteehttp://http;//blog.amyadoptee.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33752164.post-47529461066111684042011-03-27T17:10:41.702-02:002011-03-27T17:10:41.702-02:00The strongest, most enduring ties in my life have ...The strongest, most enduring ties in my life have been those of friendship, not of blood relationship, so for me the "friend" concept works better than the mother/child one, and for my son as well. I have three life-long friends I have always been emotionally closer to than any relative.<br /><br />Because of his experiences growing up, my son has a very negative concept of relatives and mothers. Of course we are all dealing with different adoptees with different life experiences that we do not know about going into reunion, and that adds some difficulties. <br /><br />I do not see my reunited son as a baby any more than my other adult sons, nor do I remember examining him or my other kids at birth, just thinking they were beautiful. When I met him as an adult, I was proud of the man he had become, but it was quite clear that the baby and that relationship was long gone. <br /><br />It is very sad when mothers and adoptees do not connect at all. If only everyone searching found someone eager to be found, but that is not the case. Life is unfair.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33752164.post-69863772302528321882011-03-27T16:42:35.373-02:002011-03-27T16:42:35.373-02:00I don't think it is a lack of motherly feeling...I don't think it is a lack of motherly feelings so much as a supression, Campbell. I can only speak for the ones I know, but I can see a lot of fear...fear of facing the past, feeling the grief and watching that house of cards fall. That doesn't make it right, but it explains some of it.Robinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07580241881953821182noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33752164.post-80883935805669932232011-03-27T16:37:40.049-02:002011-03-27T16:37:40.049-02:00Wow, what courage it took for Linda to do that, I ...Wow, what courage it took for Linda to do that, I am in awe of her. I love a woman with gumption!<br /><br />Great post, Robyn! I hope your message will strike home with someone who might be inflicting this kind of pain, purposefully or unwittingly on another human being.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33752164.post-90647663394707743582011-03-27T16:15:36.000-02:002011-03-27T16:15:36.000-02:00Conversely motherhood doesn't just have an &qu...Conversely motherhood doesn't just have an "on" button for those mothers who don't feel motherly toward offspring they didn't raise.<br /><br />To have any predetermined expectations of which type of parents one will find is unwise.Campbellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33752164.post-55143303548528588162011-03-27T15:51:21.693-02:002011-03-27T15:51:21.693-02:00That is how most of us would like it, Robin. I fee...That is how most of us would like it, Robin. I feel like I am mother to all my children. But starting with a friendship seems less threatening to some mothers and adoptees. It is hard for some adopted people to understand that motherhood doesn't have an "off" button just because they consider their adopters the "real" parents. It's a very complicated situation. With a lot of reunions, it's damned if you do and damned if you don't.Robinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07580241881953821182noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33752164.post-87679586492381616572011-03-27T15:13:35.947-02:002011-03-27T15:13:35.947-02:00Great post, Robin. I have to say that the relation...Great post, Robin. I have to say that the relationship between my nmother and I was mother and daughter. The connection was too strong for it to just be a friendship. I think what scares APs so much is that the tie will be one of family rather than just friends. Also, I really would not want to just be friends with my own mother and I don't think she could have related to me on that basis only either.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33752164.post-55166030072743677562011-03-27T13:21:50.756-02:002011-03-27T13:21:50.756-02:00I agree, Campbell, but I have to say, on the Mothe...I agree, Campbell, but I have to say, on the Mother's end of things, that the motherhood in us is a strong force. I think it is too strong for the rejectors rather than the other way around. I actually examined my adult daughter like a new mother would examine her newborn infant. It is really hard to separate the baby from the familiar adult stranger.Robinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07580241881953821182noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33752164.post-47845105210508337122011-03-27T13:18:45.637-02:002011-03-27T13:18:45.637-02:00That's a good question, d28bob. I think that s...That's a good question, d28bob. I think that so many of us have such high and unrealistic expectations in reunion that many can morph into codependent, adversarial or other kinds of unhealthy situations if we're not careful. It should be a rule that everyone find themselves and center their sense of self before going into reunion expecting the other party to provide these things for us.Robinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07580241881953821182noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33752164.post-58868896244753418832011-03-27T13:11:42.257-02:002011-03-27T13:11:42.257-02:00Thanks, Robin. Wish my original mother could read ...Thanks, Robin. Wish my original mother could read it. The past years I've learned a lot about myself and my roots- I think I'm past any anger at my original parents and have tried to focus that anger on the situation and adoption reforms.<br />Oddly though, I wonder if I would have progressed or regressed had they accepted me with open arms?d28bobhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05866860173755756630noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33752164.post-79122074761641237412011-03-27T13:10:01.246-02:002011-03-27T13:10:01.246-02:00"What can it hurt for you to make a new frien..."What can it hurt for you to make a new friend?"<br /><br />It usually isn't presented this way though, is it? Seems to me everyone is set up to have an unrealistic expectation of an automatic parent/child relationship when in reality it would be far more helpful to hope for just what you've said, a friendship with someone who shares the same blood. To end up with a familial dynamic is a bonus.Campbellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com