If ever there were a truly compelling example of emotional coercion, this is it. I read the most moving account of the emotional conflict, pain and a mother's courage on this site; http://rondidondi.wordpress.com/2007/10/24/my-days-without-poowee/
This story has a happy ending, but too many similar ones don't. In most cases, the potential adopters love-bomb the mother-to-be, calling her a b****mother before the child is even born and then crowd into the labor and delivery room as if they were children on Christmas Eve, crowded around the fireplace and looking up the chimney. These particular PAP's came with an entourage, family and friends that were hugging the wannabe "mommy" and congratulating her as if SHE were the one in labor. SHADES OF "THE HANDMAID'S TALE." This mother needed privacy at one of the most pivotal points in her life. NO mother should feel obligated to allow potential adopters into the presence of her private miracle.
If one is to adopt a child, then I would think that they would want the mother of that child to be truly and fully informed and totally understanding of exactly what the ramifications of surrender are. Unfortunately, agencies and adoption social workers don't really give the full story..one that should be given to the expectant mother by those of us who have been there and done that. Instead, They tell her that she'll get past it and that they will provide "counseling. Often, the PAP's get ansty, push in and buy gifts and do all in their power to make this mother feel emotionally obligated and responsible for their future "joy." A lot of mothers go through with the surrender for this very reason, not wanting to disappoint the PAP's, and then suck up the pain or go to a private support group, online, to pour out their sorrow.
When did our society start putting so little value on the bond between a mother and her child that we make adoption look like the best thing to come down the pike since sliced bread? In my era, it was a wholesale slaughter of the mother/child connection and it begat a generation of mothers in silent pain and children growing up with issues of rejection and confusion. It's the Same Stuff, Different Day, in the present time. The package had a bow on it and that is all that has really changed. Open adoption isn't worth the paper on which it is printed. In most states, it can slam shut just as soon as the insecure adopters can find an excuse and the mother can do nothing about it.
I've made this statement before, but I don't know if PAP's hear it or want to hear it. I feel badly for you if you can't have children of your own. But that doesn't entitle you to the offspring of others. You create a market...a demand, and it is up to agencies and adoption social worker to find the confused and fearful mothers in "crisis" (unexpected) pregnancies to fill that demand. Coercion is alive and well, as was pointed out in the blog that I linked in this essay. Unexpected doesn't mean unwanted and helping that mother keep her child is the best thing anyone could do. "I also feel compassion for those with no legs, but I don't think that means I should give them mine. (this is not original but was first said by a friend of mine)"
So, potential adopters with your baby-lust in full bloom....go to this link and read about that pain. I cried..tears of pain and frustration and, finally, tears of joy. She has her baby back with her where he belongs.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
A Place For Mothers
It seems that the more things change, the more they stay the same and mothers are the ones who get it in the end. I don't often see the wisdom in combining support groups of mothers, some of whom have been rejected by their adult reunited child, and adopted adults, some of whom have been rejected by their mothers or are just angry at their moms and moms in general. It always seems to wind up in a fight for control and, I am sorry adoptees, but the control issues are usually yours.
I have seen a lot of frustrated anger when we have refused to apologize for something we did not do (willingly give up our children) or refused to pay obeisance to the people who adopted you or to agree that your adoption was "for the best." When you do that "Inner Child" work, maybe you should teach that child that the only thing in life that one can control is oneself. No other person, be it your child, your mother, your sibling, your spouse or significant other can be under your control. And try to remember that we suffered from a "Primal Wound" also. Being separated from your own flesh and blood is a terrible, unnatural and wounding thing.
The last thing that mothers need is to be required to pay homage to adopters and to "respect their feelings." It is adopters that don't respect our feelings, that refer to a pregnant, usually single woman, as a "b****mother" before she even gives birth, that fight, along with agencies, legislators and facilitators/attorneys, to take away precious time in which a mother can bond with her child and make a more informed decision (if agreeing to release your infant to others forever could be called a "decision"....I call it an act of desperation with little real information). And, it has been anecdotally proven to me, beyond a doubt, that adopters are the ones who are hateful, nastily jealous, possessive and give conditional love (it's us or HER) when we come back into the picture at reunion.
Another thing that mothers don't need is adoption social workers, agency personnel or adopters sneaking onto various boards, "seeking to understand" when all they really want to do is change the nature of the board and our "erroneous" thinking. The passive/aggressive nature of some of the questioning done by these folks gives them away in a heartbeat. I have heard all of the stories of children abused by their parents and crackwhore mommies and dumpster babies. But you close your mind and hearts when we talk about the many adopters who have abused, emotionally, sexually and physically, the children they have adopted. Some have even murdered these kids. But it's us moms that are the eternal villains in your lexicons.
Mothers are angry because we have been at the bottom of the heap, disrespected and disregarded for more decades that I can count. We are not guniea pigs for a Master's Thesis or a "study" to find out what crumbs can be thrown out to us to keep agencies in business. We are certainly not punching bags for angry adopted people. Most of us are channeling our anger into activism and that is healthy. Anger, itself, is just an emotion, like all others. It's how you use it that matters.
So here we go again, wasting time explaining ourselves and our need for respect when we could be making a difference and facilitating real change. We laugh, we love our spouses, we cry over loved ones who die or become ill, we worry about our own health, take fun vacations, watch movies and try to do good jobs at work and at home. We do not spend our time, 24/7. writhing in psychic pain over our mutual tragedies. A lot of us are healing, quite nicely, thank you, and leaving behind those who sit in their misery and spin their wheels. That anger I spoke about is not our weakness, but our strength.
I have 3 groups where I feel I can speak my mind about my role (which is only one facet of my life) as a Baby Scoop Era Mother who had children taken for adoption. On the others, I have to walk on eggshells. Where's the respect in that? Well, this is my blog and I can bitch if I want to. I love it.
I have seen a lot of frustrated anger when we have refused to apologize for something we did not do (willingly give up our children) or refused to pay obeisance to the people who adopted you or to agree that your adoption was "for the best." When you do that "Inner Child" work, maybe you should teach that child that the only thing in life that one can control is oneself. No other person, be it your child, your mother, your sibling, your spouse or significant other can be under your control. And try to remember that we suffered from a "Primal Wound" also. Being separated from your own flesh and blood is a terrible, unnatural and wounding thing.
The last thing that mothers need is to be required to pay homage to adopters and to "respect their feelings." It is adopters that don't respect our feelings, that refer to a pregnant, usually single woman, as a "b****mother" before she even gives birth, that fight, along with agencies, legislators and facilitators/attorneys, to take away precious time in which a mother can bond with her child and make a more informed decision (if agreeing to release your infant to others forever could be called a "decision"....I call it an act of desperation with little real information). And, it has been anecdotally proven to me, beyond a doubt, that adopters are the ones who are hateful, nastily jealous, possessive and give conditional love (it's us or HER) when we come back into the picture at reunion.
Another thing that mothers don't need is adoption social workers, agency personnel or adopters sneaking onto various boards, "seeking to understand" when all they really want to do is change the nature of the board and our "erroneous" thinking. The passive/aggressive nature of some of the questioning done by these folks gives them away in a heartbeat. I have heard all of the stories of children abused by their parents and crackwhore mommies and dumpster babies. But you close your mind and hearts when we talk about the many adopters who have abused, emotionally, sexually and physically, the children they have adopted. Some have even murdered these kids. But it's us moms that are the eternal villains in your lexicons.
Mothers are angry because we have been at the bottom of the heap, disrespected and disregarded for more decades that I can count. We are not guniea pigs for a Master's Thesis or a "study" to find out what crumbs can be thrown out to us to keep agencies in business. We are certainly not punching bags for angry adopted people. Most of us are channeling our anger into activism and that is healthy. Anger, itself, is just an emotion, like all others. It's how you use it that matters.
So here we go again, wasting time explaining ourselves and our need for respect when we could be making a difference and facilitating real change. We laugh, we love our spouses, we cry over loved ones who die or become ill, we worry about our own health, take fun vacations, watch movies and try to do good jobs at work and at home. We do not spend our time, 24/7. writhing in psychic pain over our mutual tragedies. A lot of us are healing, quite nicely, thank you, and leaving behind those who sit in their misery and spin their wheels. That anger I spoke about is not our weakness, but our strength.
I have 3 groups where I feel I can speak my mind about my role (which is only one facet of my life) as a Baby Scoop Era Mother who had children taken for adoption. On the others, I have to walk on eggshells. Where's the respect in that? Well, this is my blog and I can bitch if I want to. I love it.
Monday, January 28, 2008
When Art Does Not Imitate Life
I have added a link to this post. It is a terrific op-ed piece by Jess DeBalzo who is a wonderful original family preservation activist. Like me, she is not afraid to call herself "anti-adoption."
http://www.opednews.com/articles/life_a_jessica__080128_a_horror_show_called.htm Her review of the movie, "Juno" echoes my concerns about the impact that this film might have on our country and the young women who go to see it. It presents adoption as just the peachiest thing imaginable and the only alternative to abortion. How precious and how inaccurate! Showing the heroine keeping and raising her child would have been much more accurate and fair to the average single mother.
It makes me wonder who funded it and authorized the writing of the script. The anti-reproductive choice/pro-adoption, or, so-called, "Child Welfare" consortium seems to have a lot of influence and money to use to lobby and, I imagine, to make a film. Adoption is, as we have often stated in our groups, on our websites and in our blogs, a big-money business that uses young moms like breeding tools to fulfill the demand for healthy infants for the adoption mills.
Juno is played for laughs, but there is nothing laughable about losing your child to adoption. The aftermath, as it was portrayed in this piece of fantasy-fiction film, is so unrealistic as to leave me with my mouth open in profound shock. The grief that goes along with this "decision" is life-long and profound. The "decision" is often based on incomplete information and industry propaganda and "love-bombing" by wannabe adopters. On the whole, this movie is a slap in the face of mothers and adoptees who know how it really feels. The person who wrote this is either an adopter, not involved in adoption at all, or a mother in deep, deep denial.
If all it had taken for me to get past my losses was to have a boyfriend drop in with a guitar, then I wouldn't be on this blog today, would not have spent years searching for my children, would not have been blessed by my daughter spending years searching for me and would not be so adamantly working to prevent just what this movie unashamedly promotes. My feelings are echoed by thousands of mothers and adoptees and millions more, still in that "closet of shame."
Let's get real, Hollywood. You have insulted the intelligence of some very savvy people, here, and made a mockery of an American tragedy. What are you going to follow it up with? A movie about euthanizing senior citizens and babies born with birth defects? Jeez!!
The kids at the top are my great grandchildren and the one mugging for the camera, my Jantzen, would not be with us if my granddaughter and daughter had followed "Juno's" example. Thank God, they didn't. He keeps us laughing with delight and extreme love and he knows who his family IS.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Honk If You're A BSE Mom
Can you imagine the cacophany of noise if every woman who had a child taken during the Baby Scoop Era were to honk her car horn in concert with all the others? They would hear the noise on the space station.
This is the biggest group of mothers who had children taken for adoption from the same time frame in the US, and so many are still sleeping the sleep of denial, believing they "had a choice" and "made a decision." But I am wondering if more would come out of their "good beemommy" closets if the BSE received the attention it deserves. We are talking millions, here. If it had caused deaths (and in a few cases, it did), it would have been called genocide. A few hundred moms might make a difference, but think about the combined energies of a few million mothers, awake and aware that they got exploited, screwed and robbed big time.
When we talk about needing numbers to make change, I cannot help but think of all those mothers who just need some gentle shaking and the cold water of truth on their faces. If the issues of the BSE go public, some of these women...hopefully, a lot of these women...may wake up and want to join in the fight. With this many angry mothers, attention would then segue to the mothers who came after us. People will start wondering if the "old days" are really gone. From the numbers of younger mothers who have joined the various activist groups, I think the only thing that has really changed is the number of women affected by the industry.
No one wants to leave out any mothers that have been hurt by the adoption machine. It hurts, just as much, to have lost your baby to adoption in 1993 as it did in 1963. There were still isolated pockets of shaming and blaming and appalled parents and frightened, pregnant young women after the early 70's. Seeking justice for the BSE will mean a good chance of a re-examination of the entire system and justice for all mothers from all time periods.
I am a big believer in doing things for mothers of today, preserving and protecting the natural family and reducing the number of adoptions....especially those of infants. BUT, I think we have to have a starting point and for that, we have to look backwards and study our history to find out why adoption is so powerful in this country, today. The BSE, like the era of Jim Crow laws, is a historical reality, it happened and it had millions of casualties in the mothers and children who were separated by the repressive, judgmental mores of that time.
Seeking justice for past crimes is nothing new and it is not regressing nor refusing to move forward with our lives. Many of us have done just that and moved forward, in the case of some of us, with steely resolve. Living in the past is not what this is about. Learning from the past and using the excesses and oppressions of that evil time to put the Man on the spot is what it is about and what it will always be about. I only hope to see this in my lifetime and time is growing short. I have been blessed with great-grandchildren and I want them to know that their "Big Mama" fought the good fight for their future.
Those sands in the hourglass run a bit faster as you get older. I would love vindication and acknowledgement to be part of the rewards of my "golden years." I think my sciatica and arthritis would hurt a lot less. I know it would do my heart immeasurable good.
This is the biggest group of mothers who had children taken for adoption from the same time frame in the US, and so many are still sleeping the sleep of denial, believing they "had a choice" and "made a decision." But I am wondering if more would come out of their "good beemommy" closets if the BSE received the attention it deserves. We are talking millions, here. If it had caused deaths (and in a few cases, it did), it would have been called genocide. A few hundred moms might make a difference, but think about the combined energies of a few million mothers, awake and aware that they got exploited, screwed and robbed big time.
When we talk about needing numbers to make change, I cannot help but think of all those mothers who just need some gentle shaking and the cold water of truth on their faces. If the issues of the BSE go public, some of these women...hopefully, a lot of these women...may wake up and want to join in the fight. With this many angry mothers, attention would then segue to the mothers who came after us. People will start wondering if the "old days" are really gone. From the numbers of younger mothers who have joined the various activist groups, I think the only thing that has really changed is the number of women affected by the industry.
No one wants to leave out any mothers that have been hurt by the adoption machine. It hurts, just as much, to have lost your baby to adoption in 1993 as it did in 1963. There were still isolated pockets of shaming and blaming and appalled parents and frightened, pregnant young women after the early 70's. Seeking justice for the BSE will mean a good chance of a re-examination of the entire system and justice for all mothers from all time periods.
I am a big believer in doing things for mothers of today, preserving and protecting the natural family and reducing the number of adoptions....especially those of infants. BUT, I think we have to have a starting point and for that, we have to look backwards and study our history to find out why adoption is so powerful in this country, today. The BSE, like the era of Jim Crow laws, is a historical reality, it happened and it had millions of casualties in the mothers and children who were separated by the repressive, judgmental mores of that time.
Seeking justice for past crimes is nothing new and it is not regressing nor refusing to move forward with our lives. Many of us have done just that and moved forward, in the case of some of us, with steely resolve. Living in the past is not what this is about. Learning from the past and using the excesses and oppressions of that evil time to put the Man on the spot is what it is about and what it will always be about. I only hope to see this in my lifetime and time is growing short. I have been blessed with great-grandchildren and I want them to know that their "Big Mama" fought the good fight for their future.
Those sands in the hourglass run a bit faster as you get older. I would love vindication and acknowledgement to be part of the rewards of my "golden years." I think my sciatica and arthritis would hurt a lot less. I know it would do my heart immeasurable good.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
A Society In Denial That Big Brother Is Here
Wow! Sorry to tell everyone this, but Orwell was right. We think we are in charge of our own lives and our own families, but that is a total delusion. Maybe Orwell's vision of "Big Brother" was a bit more "film noir" than real, but the basics are all in place. Big Brother isn't just coming....he is here, now!
Take, for example, the Goliath of the lobby, The Child Welfare "group." Somehow, I suppose through the liberal application of favors and $$$$, this group has been influencing the legislation that allows the government and the "Child Welfare" people to decide who gets to be a parent. Hell, these misguided folks practically ARE the government.
Not only did we natural moms have our children removed from us because we committed the ultimate sin of being single, sexual and less affluent, but the less affluent natural families of married parents are, now, also in jeopardy. A messy living room and not enough veggies in the fridge or patches on your kids' jeans can get you an appointment with a SW and your children a one-way ticket into foster care and adoption. Heaven forbid if you have real problems because, rather than working on fixing the family problem, they slap a band-aid on by taking the children.
What is wrong with this picture? It seems that natural parents are seen as lacking something that potential adopters seem to have, according to this misbegotten system. The tales of abusive adopters and fosterers seem to get swept under the rug, while the dumpster babies and drug-addict moms are the focus of attention by the media and those who stand to gain by the capture of adoptable infants and toddlers. The older children can often return to their families after a long battle, but, for some odd reason, the little ones stay gone. Could it be that it's because these are the desirable, adoptable kiddies that make the potential adopters', adoption social workers' and agencies' collective mouths water? Could it be.......(church lady, here).....this particular SATAN???..the Devil-Dog Eugenicist???
The Child Welfare system and their lobby seem to be made up of attorneys, agencies, social workers (who should know better), "right-to-lifers" and any and all eugenically-minded persons with their Utopian schemes (the Christian Far-Right comes to mind). Their agenda is cloaked in the deceptive, pink, satin blanket of "what is best for the children," but too many of these children and their true parents, sadly, know better.
In the majority of cases, the separation is painful, permanent and a true tragedy..the worst thing for the family involved, be it a single parent or married parents. What is really best for families is for all these agencies to work to keep them together. They need to discard the system-commissioned, biased "studies" that say a single or poor parent is bound to do something heinous, stop teaching coercion methods, quit playing God and get to the real task at hand which is saving the Heritage Family from oblivion.
Let me ask anyone who is reading this who has not lost a child or a parent to the machine....How would you like it if there were someone at your door, demanding your child be turned over to them for facetiously-worded reasons? How would you like to be deemed "unfit" for not having a McMansion, Lexus and the handy tuition for private schooling? How would you like to be labeled a future abuser just because you are single? Is this an unfair assessment? Damn Skippy, it is!
And for all of you who haven't been smacked by adoption, if this institution is so darn, sloppy-kiss wonderful, then why aren't you donating one of your offspring to the industry? Somewhere, there is probably an infertile couple who is much more fit to raise your child than you are...doncha think?
We still have votes, we still can have a voice and it is past time for this voice to be raised. There are a precious few, doing this job for the many who have been injured by Big Adoption and the misnamed Child Welfare system. We can, at least, let our umbrage be known by writing to newspapers, legislators and anyone who needs to hear the message. It only takes a few minutes to write one letter a day or a week. Even that will fill the email inboxes and snail-mail boxes and someone will take note. That wheel needs to really squeak out loud to be heard. We have to stop letting the Bottom Line ($$$) grease that wheel and allowing adoption social mythology to be the only voice that is heard.
I would like to add that I received a lot of my information on this subject from a dear friend who is in the thick of things, trying to do her bit for natural families. This isn't conjecture...this is well-observed fact.
Take, for example, the Goliath of the lobby, The Child Welfare "group." Somehow, I suppose through the liberal application of favors and $$$$, this group has been influencing the legislation that allows the government and the "Child Welfare" people to decide who gets to be a parent. Hell, these misguided folks practically ARE the government.
Not only did we natural moms have our children removed from us because we committed the ultimate sin of being single, sexual and less affluent, but the less affluent natural families of married parents are, now, also in jeopardy. A messy living room and not enough veggies in the fridge or patches on your kids' jeans can get you an appointment with a SW and your children a one-way ticket into foster care and adoption. Heaven forbid if you have real problems because, rather than working on fixing the family problem, they slap a band-aid on by taking the children.
What is wrong with this picture? It seems that natural parents are seen as lacking something that potential adopters seem to have, according to this misbegotten system. The tales of abusive adopters and fosterers seem to get swept under the rug, while the dumpster babies and drug-addict moms are the focus of attention by the media and those who stand to gain by the capture of adoptable infants and toddlers. The older children can often return to their families after a long battle, but, for some odd reason, the little ones stay gone. Could it be that it's because these are the desirable, adoptable kiddies that make the potential adopters', adoption social workers' and agencies' collective mouths water? Could it be.......(church lady, here).....this particular SATAN???..the Devil-Dog Eugenicist???
The Child Welfare system and their lobby seem to be made up of attorneys, agencies, social workers (who should know better), "right-to-lifers" and any and all eugenically-minded persons with their Utopian schemes (the Christian Far-Right comes to mind). Their agenda is cloaked in the deceptive, pink, satin blanket of "what is best for the children," but too many of these children and their true parents, sadly, know better.
In the majority of cases, the separation is painful, permanent and a true tragedy..the worst thing for the family involved, be it a single parent or married parents. What is really best for families is for all these agencies to work to keep them together. They need to discard the system-commissioned, biased "studies" that say a single or poor parent is bound to do something heinous, stop teaching coercion methods, quit playing God and get to the real task at hand which is saving the Heritage Family from oblivion.
Let me ask anyone who is reading this who has not lost a child or a parent to the machine....How would you like it if there were someone at your door, demanding your child be turned over to them for facetiously-worded reasons? How would you like to be deemed "unfit" for not having a McMansion, Lexus and the handy tuition for private schooling? How would you like to be labeled a future abuser just because you are single? Is this an unfair assessment? Damn Skippy, it is!
And for all of you who haven't been smacked by adoption, if this institution is so darn, sloppy-kiss wonderful, then why aren't you donating one of your offspring to the industry? Somewhere, there is probably an infertile couple who is much more fit to raise your child than you are...doncha think?
We still have votes, we still can have a voice and it is past time for this voice to be raised. There are a precious few, doing this job for the many who have been injured by Big Adoption and the misnamed Child Welfare system. We can, at least, let our umbrage be known by writing to newspapers, legislators and anyone who needs to hear the message. It only takes a few minutes to write one letter a day or a week. Even that will fill the email inboxes and snail-mail boxes and someone will take note. That wheel needs to really squeak out loud to be heard. We have to stop letting the Bottom Line ($$$) grease that wheel and allowing adoption social mythology to be the only voice that is heard.
I would like to add that I received a lot of my information on this subject from a dear friend who is in the thick of things, trying to do her bit for natural families. This isn't conjecture...this is well-observed fact.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Ohio To Further The Adoption Machine's Power
As Introduced
127th General Assembly
Regular Session
2007-2008
H. B. No. 7
Representative Brinkman
A BILL
To formally state the General Assembly's intentions in its upcoming deliberations on reforming Ohio's adoption laws.BE IT ENACTED BY THE GENERAL ASSEMBLY OF THE STATE OF OHIO:
Section 1. The General Assembly hereby sets forth its intent to reform Ohio's adoption laws by ensuring timely, safe, and appropriate adoptive placements, reducing adoption expenses, and generally promoting adoption in Ohio.
The complete bill is many pages long and includes a section on "abstinence education," with a token clause for open records for adopted people, excluding many of those born in the BSE by the wording "born before 19 so and so". I have a gut feeling that this heinous piece of crap legislation is the industry's reply to the media scrutiny it has received since the Stephanie Bennett case and the infamous "caged adoptee" debacle. The agencies and attorneys and right-to-lifers are coming back with guns blazing in Ohio.
Let me urge everyone to look up the bill, see who is sponsoring it, and write to the Ohio legislature, the Ohio news media and your Aunt Gussie in Toledo if you have to. Those of you who are Ohio residents and voters, PLEASE let your representatives in the state house know that you are not in favor of this legislation as it stands.
While we are at it, No, I didn't see "Juno." I have better sense than to put myself through that kind of emotional torture. But it is getting the nod in the form of rave reviews from the far-right, anti-abortion rights fundies and now has been nominated for an academy award????? That's another cause for your cards and letters. If there ever was an unrealistic portrayal of the results of loss of a child to adoption, this one is the worst.
I and too many of my friends who have had our children taken for adoption know how it really feels, and I can guarantee you that having our "boyfriends" come to see us, afterwards, with a guitar, would not have made us a bit happy about our grief. From what I have been told, Juno shed a few tears, but that is not how it really goes, folks. You don't jump right back into your life as if there are wonderful times ahead. A mother, even a TEEN mother, MOURNS for a long, long time.
Short post, today, friends. This one calls for a dose of medicine for my tummy before I eat. The news is grim on the natural family preservation front and we have a lot of work cut out for us. I'll be writing a lot of letters and emails this afternoon, but until then, Pepsid AC, take me away from this adoption-soaked-addicted society for just a little while.
127th General Assembly
Regular Session
2007-2008
H. B. No. 7
Representative Brinkman
A BILL
To formally state the General Assembly's intentions in its upcoming deliberations on reforming Ohio's adoption laws.BE IT ENACTED BY THE GENERAL ASSEMBLY OF THE STATE OF OHIO:
Section 1. The General Assembly hereby sets forth its intent to reform Ohio's adoption laws by ensuring timely, safe, and appropriate adoptive placements, reducing adoption expenses, and generally promoting adoption in Ohio.
The complete bill is many pages long and includes a section on "abstinence education," with a token clause for open records for adopted people, excluding many of those born in the BSE by the wording "born before 19 so and so". I have a gut feeling that this heinous piece of crap legislation is the industry's reply to the media scrutiny it has received since the Stephanie Bennett case and the infamous "caged adoptee" debacle. The agencies and attorneys and right-to-lifers are coming back with guns blazing in Ohio.
Let me urge everyone to look up the bill, see who is sponsoring it, and write to the Ohio legislature, the Ohio news media and your Aunt Gussie in Toledo if you have to. Those of you who are Ohio residents and voters, PLEASE let your representatives in the state house know that you are not in favor of this legislation as it stands.
While we are at it, No, I didn't see "Juno." I have better sense than to put myself through that kind of emotional torture. But it is getting the nod in the form of rave reviews from the far-right, anti-abortion rights fundies and now has been nominated for an academy award????? That's another cause for your cards and letters. If there ever was an unrealistic portrayal of the results of loss of a child to adoption, this one is the worst.
I and too many of my friends who have had our children taken for adoption know how it really feels, and I can guarantee you that having our "boyfriends" come to see us, afterwards, with a guitar, would not have made us a bit happy about our grief. From what I have been told, Juno shed a few tears, but that is not how it really goes, folks. You don't jump right back into your life as if there are wonderful times ahead. A mother, even a TEEN mother, MOURNS for a long, long time.
Short post, today, friends. This one calls for a dose of medicine for my tummy before I eat. The news is grim on the natural family preservation front and we have a lot of work cut out for us. I'll be writing a lot of letters and emails this afternoon, but until then, Pepsid AC, take me away from this adoption-soaked-addicted society for just a little while.
Monday, January 21, 2008
She's Baa-aaack
This is me in 2006, unhappy, unhealthy and weighing 312 lbs. I started on a serious weight-loss program after this picture was taken..jpg)
This is me in February of 2007, starting to feel the effects of the esophogitis and at about 240 lbs. I was in Hilton Head with some dear friends and eating Rolaids and Tums like they were candy.
And here I am on Christmas Morning, well at last and down to 178. Healthy, happy and glad to be alive.
2007 has been the year that was. Two trips to the hospital, a bout with severe depression, losing over 100 lbs., hubby having to have a basal cell cancer removed, my faithful car going dead on me in the middle of traffic and almost being hit by an oncoming idiot, getting a new PT Cruiser (Yay) and watching a lot of people, that I love and admire, caught up in some disturbing and frustrating problems within the anti-adoption community. We have started off the new year with hubby undergoing orthroscopic surgery for a badly torn meniscus. Life IS.
I am trying to re-charge the batteries for Anti-Adoption Truth, the MSN group I started as a place where the public could read the interactions and frustrations of those of us who have been gob-smacked by adoption. I would love it to be "neutral ground" where all involved can come and talk about the things that need to be spread around the web and placed in public view and also to rant about the things they hate about adoption...what it has done to us and to our children. I hope all my friends will read and heed and join back in the discussion side of things. It's a safe group...readable by the public, but the membership is by approval, only.
Its a bit late for this, but I do have a wish-list for 2008. At the top of it is the hope that my husband will finally give in and retire and we can move away from Florida. On another personal note, I am hoping that, when my reunited son gets out of prison in a few months, after a 6-year stay, he will be able to get his life on track and be comforted by knowing that I love him, no matter what. I am also hoping that this nastiness in Iraq will end and all our service people, especially my grandson, will be coming home. I think there has been enough death.
I have great hopes for the up-coming election. I would like to see the far-right religious faction out of politics and out of government. Mike Huckabee will definitely NOT get my vote. When this country went on its conservative binge, it threw the baby out with the bathwater and now many of our personal freedoms, including the right of a woman to make her own decisions about her body, are in danger of being lost if we don't make some major changes in our national and state governments.
In the world of natural family preservation, at the top of THAT list is the hope that the community of activists can come together in such a way as to start generating some real change and that the crimes against mothers, starting with those of us from the Baby Scoop Era, finally get addressed in a public forum. The time is long past for an official and very public apology. In recognizing what was done, in genocide-proportions, to unmarried mothers in the BSE, we will be a step closer to finding justice for all those who have had their children taken for adoption by the clever machinations of a major industry.
I am hoping that more young women will take advantage of the fact that birth control is available to them, even without their parents' consent, through local health departments. I am hoping that more mothers-to-be learn that there is another option other than surrender to adoption and will keep and raise their babies.
I am hoping that more states will get on the bandwagon and open the records for adult adoptees AND their mothers. No one should have to beg a judge for something that is theirs by right. In that vein, I am also hoping that adopted people and mothers can meet in the middle and realize that their best chance is in supporting each other, not just mothers supporting the adoptees.
I am hoping for healing of the wounds of the millions around the world and here who have felt the effects of this unnatural and painful separation. I am hoping for the fearful to no longer fear the truth, for the angry to understand and for the silent to speak up. Nothing can ever give us or our children back the years that we lost, but we can work together to help heal each other. We'll always carry the scar tissue, but it is past time for us to stop the bleeding.
Yep, it all sounds like a pipe dream, but dreams are good, according to the man whose life we observe today. He also had a dream and was killed trying to make it come true. So, Dear Granter of Hopes and Wishes, if not this year for the adoption stuff, then please, before I die, let me see a few of these things come to pass.
All Y'all think it over, y'hear?
Saturday, April 14, 2007
A Crime Against A Family; As It Happened
For those of you who have been following the plight of Stephanie Bennett, her parents and baby Evelyn, here's the scoop, as it happened. It is about time that more of us speak out against this kind of outright abuse of authority, abuse of a minor's relationship with her family, and sheer using of a family's plight for profit. "A Child Waiting" agency, and those who own and run it, have a lot to which they need to answer, in my opinion.
There is more to this than what you will read below. Legal actions loom and those who used and abused this young mom are going to have to answer for their unethical and, yes, criminal, activities. This family was torn asunder by a mythology that would make a natural family pay with their own flesh and blood for being less than affluent, and a mom for being young and frightened.
Shame on the school counselor, the agency, the "independent" attorney and several "others" that were involved in taking this child from the family that loves and wants her! Shame on the potential adopters for not taking the high road from the start and returning Evelyn to her true family.
As I read this, I remember how easily I was, at this age, coerced, frightened and made to feel responsible for everyone else but myself and my baby. Get good and mad, Stephanie. You have a right!
11/05 – Stephanie found that she is pregnant and hid it from her parents until 3 weeks prior to delivery. She is tall, this is a first pregnancy and the popular baggy clothes worn by young people made that possible.
4/17/06 – Stephanie delivered Baby Evelyn Joann Bennett and named her for her Great Grandmother and her Grandmother and her Mother. The plan is that, with her family’s support, Stephanie will raise the baby.
Stephanie’s parents are not wealthy people and Stephanie and Evelyn go on Medicaid.
4/06 - Stephanie told her parents that the father was a school friend, with whom she had never had sex. She was desperately trying to protect her family. She lied to her parents because she was afraid of the real father who had been making serious and repeated threats against her family. Stephanie attempted to protect them from him and what he would do to her family, to her and to Baby Evelyn.
9/07/06 – After 5 months of repeated and serious threats to her family’s health and safety and emotional abuse from the putative father of her child, Stephanie approached Thomas Saltsman, Counselor, at Glenoak High School. Stephanie originally went to discuss a schedule change, but mentioned adoption. As soon as Stephanie mentioned adoption, Mr. Saltsman turned, got a brochure from his desk for A Child’s Waiting Adoption Agency and arranged a meeting for the next day in his office.
9/8/06 – Stephanie signed the initial paperwork that began the process. Mr. Saltsman signed as witness, in his office, at the high school, this was the ONLY meeting between Stephanie and the agency people, until the agency worker came to take Baby Evelyn on 9/12/06. There was no counseling nor protection offered to Stephanie. An attorney was present, as Stephanie’s "independent counsel", but she also handled adoptions for A Child’s Waiting Adoption Agency on a regular basis.
9/12/07 - As a policy, Medicaid demands the name of a father, or they require DNA testing on any possible ones. The young man that Stephanie claimed was the father in order to protect her family’s safety from the real father went to have his DNA tested. Stephanie was to bring Evelyn in for her test to see if they matched, but Stephanie never came. She had already run away, as directed by the agency rep in the school guidance counselor’s office, to avoid the DNA testing. The involvement of a father in the proceedings would complicate things for the agency. Proven fathers have rights that require protection. DNA evidence is proof of paternity. No proof and there are only putative fathers, who legally need not be consulted. Evelyn was not tested, as she had already been taken from her mother by the agency.
9/12/06 – Stephanie and Evelyn ran away (at the agency’s suggestion, in the Guidance Counselor’s office, to Carrol County where Stephanie’s parents could not interfere). Also the last time Stephanie saw baby Evelyn. The agency rep came to this place and picked up baby Evelyn.
10/2/06 – Judy and Ranza Bennett got temporary custody of Baby Evelyn; went to the agency in Copley Township in Summit County accompanied by Copley Police. Agency told the police that they had spoken to the 17-year-old but told her that they could not do business with her while she was a minor and that neither child was at the agency.
10/16/06 - Judy and Ranza notified by Canton police that they were to appear in court on 10/17/06. Not informed as to why.
10/17/06 – Went to court, still no information as to reason. Stephanie appeared accompanied by A Child’s Waiting. Court placed Stephanie into a Respite Home due to allegations of abuse made against Judy and Ranza Bennett by the putative father who had been making the threats against Stephanie and her family, which stated that there was neglect and abuse against both Evelyn and Stephanie. A case worker came to their home to investigate the charges of abuse.
10/18/06 – Stephanie ran away from the Respite Home and called a friend, who called the caseworker who advises him to take Stephanie to Family Court. While in court, Stephanie tells the judge that she wants to return home to her parents and her sister. The Lawyer for Child Protection told the Judge that there was no sign of neglect or abuse in the home. Evelyn’s pediatrician stated that he had no concern about Evelyn being in the home.
10/18/06 - Stephanie then told her parents who the father actually was (there is no more information about the father available beyond this as yet, as charges are pending and any information leaked could jeopardize their case). Her parents attempted to find an attorney who could handle the case and would work for payments that could come later, for Stephanie and the baby.
Dec. 31, 2006 – Rick Armon’s article appeared in the Akron Beacon Journal.
Early January, 2007 - Sandy Young called the Bennett family to offer help. They said that they could use it.
Jan of 07-. Hired Paul Reiners to defend Stephanie. He agreed to work on a pro bono basis, unless they won the case. In that event, they would owe him standard fees.
1-19-07 - The first time Stephanie went to court in Summit Co. with Mr.Reiners, and was not allowed in the court room. Paul Reiners came out of the court room and told Stephanie that the Magistrate, Diana Stevenson, had put a gag order on all parties involved in the case.
2/2/07 – Judge in Stark Co. ruled that the custody order of Ranza and Judy Bennett was no longer in effect; That another court had precedence.
2-21-07 - Stephanie went back to court in Summit Co, where she is still fighting for the return of her daughter Evelyn. This date was to determine if the Surrender could be overturned. The judge was to rule on this matter on March 27, 2007. The briefs were to have been turned in on the 23rd and she would rule several days later. Paul Reiners had said that he would have several witnesses subpoenaed including the putative father. He also had indicated that he would depose Joe Soll to testify to the effects of the coercion, the loss of her daughter, the psychological impact of the threats and the emotional abuse that Stephanie had been subjected to. He did none of the above.
March of 07 – Fired Paul Reiners
March of 07 - hired Jennifer Lowry, who obtained a continuance on the ruling by the judge and obtained the court transcripts. She could find no evidence of any gag order on any party to the case. She still prefers to have Stephanie remain silent, as a matter of choice, and to protect her, but her parents and the attorney are not so bound.
April 07 – Obtained copies of the complaint filed against the agency in the matter of Stephanie Bennett by her mother. The agency was found to be not in compliance in numerous areas. A copy of the findings is attached. So far, no actions have been taken against the agency by the state, despite being out of compliance.
April 9, 2007 – Meeting with Jennifer Lowry. She was excited about the Bennetts having a copy of the complaint. She also has started to construct a reunification plan.
There is more to this than what you will read below. Legal actions loom and those who used and abused this young mom are going to have to answer for their unethical and, yes, criminal, activities. This family was torn asunder by a mythology that would make a natural family pay with their own flesh and blood for being less than affluent, and a mom for being young and frightened.
Shame on the school counselor, the agency, the "independent" attorney and several "others" that were involved in taking this child from the family that loves and wants her! Shame on the potential adopters for not taking the high road from the start and returning Evelyn to her true family.
As I read this, I remember how easily I was, at this age, coerced, frightened and made to feel responsible for everyone else but myself and my baby. Get good and mad, Stephanie. You have a right!
11/05 – Stephanie found that she is pregnant and hid it from her parents until 3 weeks prior to delivery. She is tall, this is a first pregnancy and the popular baggy clothes worn by young people made that possible.
4/17/06 – Stephanie delivered Baby Evelyn Joann Bennett and named her for her Great Grandmother and her Grandmother and her Mother. The plan is that, with her family’s support, Stephanie will raise the baby.
Stephanie’s parents are not wealthy people and Stephanie and Evelyn go on Medicaid.
4/06 - Stephanie told her parents that the father was a school friend, with whom she had never had sex. She was desperately trying to protect her family. She lied to her parents because she was afraid of the real father who had been making serious and repeated threats against her family. Stephanie attempted to protect them from him and what he would do to her family, to her and to Baby Evelyn.
9/07/06 – After 5 months of repeated and serious threats to her family’s health and safety and emotional abuse from the putative father of her child, Stephanie approached Thomas Saltsman, Counselor, at Glenoak High School. Stephanie originally went to discuss a schedule change, but mentioned adoption. As soon as Stephanie mentioned adoption, Mr. Saltsman turned, got a brochure from his desk for A Child’s Waiting Adoption Agency and arranged a meeting for the next day in his office.
9/8/06 – Stephanie signed the initial paperwork that began the process. Mr. Saltsman signed as witness, in his office, at the high school, this was the ONLY meeting between Stephanie and the agency people, until the agency worker came to take Baby Evelyn on 9/12/06. There was no counseling nor protection offered to Stephanie. An attorney was present, as Stephanie’s "independent counsel", but she also handled adoptions for A Child’s Waiting Adoption Agency on a regular basis.
9/12/07 - As a policy, Medicaid demands the name of a father, or they require DNA testing on any possible ones. The young man that Stephanie claimed was the father in order to protect her family’s safety from the real father went to have his DNA tested. Stephanie was to bring Evelyn in for her test to see if they matched, but Stephanie never came. She had already run away, as directed by the agency rep in the school guidance counselor’s office, to avoid the DNA testing. The involvement of a father in the proceedings would complicate things for the agency. Proven fathers have rights that require protection. DNA evidence is proof of paternity. No proof and there are only putative fathers, who legally need not be consulted. Evelyn was not tested, as she had already been taken from her mother by the agency.
9/12/06 – Stephanie and Evelyn ran away (at the agency’s suggestion, in the Guidance Counselor’s office, to Carrol County where Stephanie’s parents could not interfere). Also the last time Stephanie saw baby Evelyn. The agency rep came to this place and picked up baby Evelyn.
10/2/06 – Judy and Ranza Bennett got temporary custody of Baby Evelyn; went to the agency in Copley Township in Summit County accompanied by Copley Police. Agency told the police that they had spoken to the 17-year-old but told her that they could not do business with her while she was a minor and that neither child was at the agency.
10/16/06 - Judy and Ranza notified by Canton police that they were to appear in court on 10/17/06. Not informed as to why.
10/17/06 – Went to court, still no information as to reason. Stephanie appeared accompanied by A Child’s Waiting. Court placed Stephanie into a Respite Home due to allegations of abuse made against Judy and Ranza Bennett by the putative father who had been making the threats against Stephanie and her family, which stated that there was neglect and abuse against both Evelyn and Stephanie. A case worker came to their home to investigate the charges of abuse.
10/18/06 – Stephanie ran away from the Respite Home and called a friend, who called the caseworker who advises him to take Stephanie to Family Court. While in court, Stephanie tells the judge that she wants to return home to her parents and her sister. The Lawyer for Child Protection told the Judge that there was no sign of neglect or abuse in the home. Evelyn’s pediatrician stated that he had no concern about Evelyn being in the home.
10/18/06 - Stephanie then told her parents who the father actually was (there is no more information about the father available beyond this as yet, as charges are pending and any information leaked could jeopardize their case). Her parents attempted to find an attorney who could handle the case and would work for payments that could come later, for Stephanie and the baby.
Dec. 31, 2006 – Rick Armon’s article appeared in the Akron Beacon Journal.
Early January, 2007 - Sandy Young called the Bennett family to offer help. They said that they could use it.
Jan of 07-. Hired Paul Reiners to defend Stephanie. He agreed to work on a pro bono basis, unless they won the case. In that event, they would owe him standard fees.
1-19-07 - The first time Stephanie went to court in Summit Co. with Mr.Reiners, and was not allowed in the court room. Paul Reiners came out of the court room and told Stephanie that the Magistrate, Diana Stevenson, had put a gag order on all parties involved in the case.
2/2/07 – Judge in Stark Co. ruled that the custody order of Ranza and Judy Bennett was no longer in effect; That another court had precedence.
2-21-07 - Stephanie went back to court in Summit Co, where she is still fighting for the return of her daughter Evelyn. This date was to determine if the Surrender could be overturned. The judge was to rule on this matter on March 27, 2007. The briefs were to have been turned in on the 23rd and she would rule several days later. Paul Reiners had said that he would have several witnesses subpoenaed including the putative father. He also had indicated that he would depose Joe Soll to testify to the effects of the coercion, the loss of her daughter, the psychological impact of the threats and the emotional abuse that Stephanie had been subjected to. He did none of the above.
March of 07 – Fired Paul Reiners
March of 07 - hired Jennifer Lowry, who obtained a continuance on the ruling by the judge and obtained the court transcripts. She could find no evidence of any gag order on any party to the case. She still prefers to have Stephanie remain silent, as a matter of choice, and to protect her, but her parents and the attorney are not so bound.
April 07 – Obtained copies of the complaint filed against the agency in the matter of Stephanie Bennett by her mother. The agency was found to be not in compliance in numerous areas. A copy of the findings is attached. So far, no actions have been taken against the agency by the state, despite being out of compliance.
April 9, 2007 – Meeting with Jennifer Lowry. She was excited about the Bennetts having a copy of the complaint. She also has started to construct a reunification plan.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Concerns of The Aging
Wow, I cannot believe I have not posted here since 2/20. That shows you that time flies when you are a sick puppy. I'm taking a leave of absence and telling everyone why to deal with "neglectful bloggers guilt syndrome" as much as anything else.
It all started out with me being a good girl. I was determined to lose the weight, stop the diabetes in its tracks, get rid of my GERD, lose the CPAP machine and start living like real people. My husband was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease just last year. He's pushing 68 (doesn't look it, though*wink) and I wanted to be in good shape in order to take care of him. Add to that the fact that this silver hair and wrinkles causes one to become much more aware of one's own mortality...FINALLY, real resolve with my weight issues surfaced and I was on my way.
Unfortunately, the "purple pill" had been doing such a good job for me for so long, that I just took it for granted I was covered and went about using, as diet foods, some things that are listed as real GERD "no-no's." I drank copious cups of coffee and tea, ate citrus, tomatoes, onions, and spicy foods and occasional chocolate was my tiny reward when I was good. I started counting carbs, fats and calories and walking and the pounds started slowly melting away. I am down from an all-time high weight of 312 lbs. to 229 lbs. and still losing. BUT, I brought a little "friend" with me who now make its painful presence known, in spades.
What can I say about severe erosive reflux esophagitis? Well, it can turn into cancer, it burns and hurts and disrupts your life like a son of a bitch and it is a long-term battle to overcome this devil of a condition.
What does it feel like? Imagine the worst heartburn you have ever experienced..where the burning, pressure and pain invade your chest, upper abdomen and even your upper back. Try to imagine how it would feel to have someone trying to inscribe the preamble to the constitution on the inside or your throat up to your soft palate with a wood-burning tool. Try to think of that happening several times a day, or sometimes, all day long without a break. Your esophagus, throat and upper tummy look like rare hamburger under an endoscope exam, and it feels worse. Your appetite is in the basement (I lost 8 lbs. in one week) and your sleep is very compromised. Your body starts to become a tense "container" for this dragon and there is no comfortable position.
Now, while you are dealing with this and taking the 14 doses of 6 different medications I am taking at this point, you are required to go on living, eat (lots of luck), sleep (yeah, right!) and interact with others. If you are really fighting, then you are sleeping on a bed with the head so elevated that you keep thinking you are going to slide off. And sleep is almost impossible. I actually slept 7 hours last night for the first time in weeks. I was awake from 3:00am, Friday to 8:00pm, Saturday. When I yawn, my entire body spasms.
Then, although you do have to eat, the list of foods that are off the chart for this condition are huge. I can't even have mustard, right now. What I miss most is what my doctor thinks might be the big culprit at aggravating my GERD...COFFEE (wah!)! As I started losing weight and trying to regain my health, I used coffee as a stop-gap measure when I was craving food and it worked.....too well. I also was trying to "substitute fat and calories for flavor" which had me using lots of onion, garlic, tomato sauces, lemon....well you get the drift. Poor little purple pill, it couldn't keep up with the abuses. The upshot is that the combination of stress, food acids and caffeine sort of did the "Funky Chicken" on my upper digestive tract.
People tend to take the food they eat and a little bit of heartburn for granted, but take a look at my endoscopy pictures and you'll never do that again. YUCK!! If you have GERD, take care of it.
Speaking of stress, I don't think that you can be under more of a burden of frustration than if you are pro original family preservation in and adoption-besotted land. While there are other stress factors in my life, adoption, because I care so damn much, is one of the biggies. Unfortunately, it is also the one easiest to set aside. For now, that is what I intend to do, groups, blog, everything. My health has taken center-stage and the fight is on. So, dear readers, enjoy what I have written so far. I won't be adding to it for a long time. But, just to let you know where my heart will always be, I will leave you with these words. Adoption Sucks!
It all started out with me being a good girl. I was determined to lose the weight, stop the diabetes in its tracks, get rid of my GERD, lose the CPAP machine and start living like real people. My husband was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease just last year. He's pushing 68 (doesn't look it, though*wink) and I wanted to be in good shape in order to take care of him. Add to that the fact that this silver hair and wrinkles causes one to become much more aware of one's own mortality...FINALLY, real resolve with my weight issues surfaced and I was on my way.
Unfortunately, the "purple pill" had been doing such a good job for me for so long, that I just took it for granted I was covered and went about using, as diet foods, some things that are listed as real GERD "no-no's." I drank copious cups of coffee and tea, ate citrus, tomatoes, onions, and spicy foods and occasional chocolate was my tiny reward when I was good. I started counting carbs, fats and calories and walking and the pounds started slowly melting away. I am down from an all-time high weight of 312 lbs. to 229 lbs. and still losing. BUT, I brought a little "friend" with me who now make its painful presence known, in spades.
What can I say about severe erosive reflux esophagitis? Well, it can turn into cancer, it burns and hurts and disrupts your life like a son of a bitch and it is a long-term battle to overcome this devil of a condition.
What does it feel like? Imagine the worst heartburn you have ever experienced..where the burning, pressure and pain invade your chest, upper abdomen and even your upper back. Try to imagine how it would feel to have someone trying to inscribe the preamble to the constitution on the inside or your throat up to your soft palate with a wood-burning tool. Try to think of that happening several times a day, or sometimes, all day long without a break. Your esophagus, throat and upper tummy look like rare hamburger under an endoscope exam, and it feels worse. Your appetite is in the basement (I lost 8 lbs. in one week) and your sleep is very compromised. Your body starts to become a tense "container" for this dragon and there is no comfortable position.
Now, while you are dealing with this and taking the 14 doses of 6 different medications I am taking at this point, you are required to go on living, eat (lots of luck), sleep (yeah, right!) and interact with others. If you are really fighting, then you are sleeping on a bed with the head so elevated that you keep thinking you are going to slide off. And sleep is almost impossible. I actually slept 7 hours last night for the first time in weeks. I was awake from 3:00am, Friday to 8:00pm, Saturday. When I yawn, my entire body spasms.
Then, although you do have to eat, the list of foods that are off the chart for this condition are huge. I can't even have mustard, right now. What I miss most is what my doctor thinks might be the big culprit at aggravating my GERD...COFFEE (wah!)! As I started losing weight and trying to regain my health, I used coffee as a stop-gap measure when I was craving food and it worked.....too well. I also was trying to "substitute fat and calories for flavor" which had me using lots of onion, garlic, tomato sauces, lemon....well you get the drift. Poor little purple pill, it couldn't keep up with the abuses. The upshot is that the combination of stress, food acids and caffeine sort of did the "Funky Chicken" on my upper digestive tract.
People tend to take the food they eat and a little bit of heartburn for granted, but take a look at my endoscopy pictures and you'll never do that again. YUCK!! If you have GERD, take care of it.
Speaking of stress, I don't think that you can be under more of a burden of frustration than if you are pro original family preservation in and adoption-besotted land. While there are other stress factors in my life, adoption, because I care so damn much, is one of the biggies. Unfortunately, it is also the one easiest to set aside. For now, that is what I intend to do, groups, blog, everything. My health has taken center-stage and the fight is on. So, dear readers, enjoy what I have written so far. I won't be adding to it for a long time. But, just to let you know where my heart will always be, I will leave you with these words. Adoption Sucks!
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
The Visit
This past weekend, I had the wonderful experience of meeting up with three of my sister Mothers of adoption loss at Hilton Head Island in SC. It is a beautiful place and full of history. We had a terrific time, watched "Loggerheads," cried, ate seafood and chocolate and talked....a lot, mostly about our adoption trauma and our reunions.
Just down the road from Hilton Head is Savannah, Ga., home of Paula Deen's "The Lady and Sons," beautiful, historic old homes, the setting for "Midnight In The Garden Of Good and Evil," former home of song master Johnny Mercer....and the setting for my second loss to the adoption machine of a newborn child, my son, that I would be forced to endure within a 14-month span. I gathered my courage, much like the mother in "Loggerheads," took out the directions that I had been holding for a few years, since I found out the building still existed, and went to visit one of the sites of my incarcerations. (*Interesting note..in "Loggerheads," the mother went to visit the home in Charlotte, NC where she gave birth...that is where my daughter was born and I would be willing to swear that it is the same building that was shown in the movie...that front door is "very distinctive." Whoa!)
The road that led to the former Florence Crittendon Home/Savannah is now paved...it was dirt when I was there as are a lot of coastal community roads in the deep southeast. But there was no mistaking the long, low building, now a bit spiffed up, with the inlet out back and the shrimp boats docked on the other side of that inlet. What used to be a place to hide our "sins," is now a rehab/short-term nursing facility. The area over to the side of the east wing where we "girls" used to go to sit in the grass and enjoy some sun was given over to paved paths and benches and wheelchairs were moving up and down the paths.
I only meant to walk around the outside, but found myself going up to the door and going inside. There was a receptionist and I just blurted out to her why I was here. She had worked there for nine years and she told me that I was not the first mother to re-visit the place. Some cried, she said. I didn't until I got back into my car. The large, 6-bed room where I stayed is now one of the physical therapy rooms. Where my narrow bed stood, there is now a raised exercise mat. The little bathroom off to one side is still there, 43 years later, but quite a bit modernized and there is a whirlpool where the large closet once was. Where there was once cold tile, there is now carpeting or parquet flooring except in the PT areas. But I felt the hair on the back of my neck rise as I looked at that exercise mat. That was where I had sobbed my little bit of "allowed" grief before I just shut down, emotionally.
The visit was brief, I thanked the very kind woman who had helped me, and left for home. I left something behind me, though, and that was the last shreds of any trust in or respect for ANY of those who would have had me believe that it was OK for me to act as a walking, disposable incubator for someone else. These people from then and from now who predate on the vulnerable, are nothing but shriveled, dead souls as far as I am concerned. I cried as much for the fury as for the sadness.
Once the tears stopped, I thought about my poor, damaged son...conceived in violence but gestated with love. I thought about the man he might have become had he not been used as a prosthetic "cure" for an infertile couple...if I had raised him within his true family. I thought about my daughter, as well, wondering what direction her life might have taken had she never been separated from me. Both of them have struggled and we, all three, have lost so much.
I found what I was looking for, though, in both the weekend with my sisters and my visit to the place of my second great sadness. I know what we all have lost and we moms have not just lost our babies. We lost the adult children we would have had because the ones with whom we reunite have been altered from their natural course and influenced by other forces. No wonder the adult adoptee is so conflicted. If I had spent my life being "adjusted" to fit in with a clan that was not my natural fit, I would be confused and pissed as well. We, also, were forever altered by our loss and our mistreatment by those we should have been able to trust.
Some might ask why I would "torture myself" by visiting the Savannah Florence Crittendon site. Others would want to know why I couldn't just leave it in the past. The truth is that, as mothers grouped together for healing, we learned that very few counselors really know anything much about loss to adoption, other than the usual platitudes that we were force-fed from the first. No one but other mothers really understands the wrenching, soul-deep pain and anger that this business of adoption engenders in us all. So we find our ways to come to terms with things. It's a life-long process and that's OK. We are allowed happiness along the way of this process.
I'm glad I went. I smiled with love at the shades of all the girls I could remember...Susan, Cathy, Frannie, Deidre, Alice...cried for my beautiful, lost baby boy and the sad, defeated girl that said good-bye to him, and I drove home to Florida where husband and happiness awaited. I'm sending my children some "Thinking About You" cards, today. No matter how it turned out, my two oldest children, you are loved just as you are. Mama just had to go lance an old wound.
Just down the road from Hilton Head is Savannah, Ga., home of Paula Deen's "The Lady and Sons," beautiful, historic old homes, the setting for "Midnight In The Garden Of Good and Evil," former home of song master Johnny Mercer....and the setting for my second loss to the adoption machine of a newborn child, my son, that I would be forced to endure within a 14-month span. I gathered my courage, much like the mother in "Loggerheads," took out the directions that I had been holding for a few years, since I found out the building still existed, and went to visit one of the sites of my incarcerations. (*Interesting note..in "Loggerheads," the mother went to visit the home in Charlotte, NC where she gave birth...that is where my daughter was born and I would be willing to swear that it is the same building that was shown in the movie...that front door is "very distinctive." Whoa!)
The road that led to the former Florence Crittendon Home/Savannah is now paved...it was dirt when I was there as are a lot of coastal community roads in the deep southeast. But there was no mistaking the long, low building, now a bit spiffed up, with the inlet out back and the shrimp boats docked on the other side of that inlet. What used to be a place to hide our "sins," is now a rehab/short-term nursing facility. The area over to the side of the east wing where we "girls" used to go to sit in the grass and enjoy some sun was given over to paved paths and benches and wheelchairs were moving up and down the paths.
I only meant to walk around the outside, but found myself going up to the door and going inside. There was a receptionist and I just blurted out to her why I was here. She had worked there for nine years and she told me that I was not the first mother to re-visit the place. Some cried, she said. I didn't until I got back into my car. The large, 6-bed room where I stayed is now one of the physical therapy rooms. Where my narrow bed stood, there is now a raised exercise mat. The little bathroom off to one side is still there, 43 years later, but quite a bit modernized and there is a whirlpool where the large closet once was. Where there was once cold tile, there is now carpeting or parquet flooring except in the PT areas. But I felt the hair on the back of my neck rise as I looked at that exercise mat. That was where I had sobbed my little bit of "allowed" grief before I just shut down, emotionally.
The visit was brief, I thanked the very kind woman who had helped me, and left for home. I left something behind me, though, and that was the last shreds of any trust in or respect for ANY of those who would have had me believe that it was OK for me to act as a walking, disposable incubator for someone else. These people from then and from now who predate on the vulnerable, are nothing but shriveled, dead souls as far as I am concerned. I cried as much for the fury as for the sadness.
Once the tears stopped, I thought about my poor, damaged son...conceived in violence but gestated with love. I thought about the man he might have become had he not been used as a prosthetic "cure" for an infertile couple...if I had raised him within his true family. I thought about my daughter, as well, wondering what direction her life might have taken had she never been separated from me. Both of them have struggled and we, all three, have lost so much.
I found what I was looking for, though, in both the weekend with my sisters and my visit to the place of my second great sadness. I know what we all have lost and we moms have not just lost our babies. We lost the adult children we would have had because the ones with whom we reunite have been altered from their natural course and influenced by other forces. No wonder the adult adoptee is so conflicted. If I had spent my life being "adjusted" to fit in with a clan that was not my natural fit, I would be confused and pissed as well. We, also, were forever altered by our loss and our mistreatment by those we should have been able to trust.
Some might ask why I would "torture myself" by visiting the Savannah Florence Crittendon site. Others would want to know why I couldn't just leave it in the past. The truth is that, as mothers grouped together for healing, we learned that very few counselors really know anything much about loss to adoption, other than the usual platitudes that we were force-fed from the first. No one but other mothers really understands the wrenching, soul-deep pain and anger that this business of adoption engenders in us all. So we find our ways to come to terms with things. It's a life-long process and that's OK. We are allowed happiness along the way of this process.
I'm glad I went. I smiled with love at the shades of all the girls I could remember...Susan, Cathy, Frannie, Deidre, Alice...cried for my beautiful, lost baby boy and the sad, defeated girl that said good-bye to him, and I drove home to Florida where husband and happiness awaited. I'm sending my children some "Thinking About You" cards, today. No matter how it turned out, my two oldest children, you are loved just as you are. Mama just had to go lance an old wound.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Revisiting Our Youth
I love it when truth intervenes in and disrupts the flow of adoption mythology. As hard as the pro-adoption factions, adopters and wannabe adopters and the ultra-elitist eugenicists try to keep the skewed lore of the culpable, sexually careless slut-mom alive, it is being slowly eroded into farce by more and more concrete information on what actually went on and goes on in the private lives of women and men.
New studies have shown that we weren't the only ones who "couldn't keep our pants on." It seems that nearly everyone, including the saintly adopters, were "doing it," too. I think the figure quoted was 95%...that's 95% that didn't anymore reach the hallowed marital bed with virginity intact than we did. Who'd a thunk it?
The only difference with us is that we showed the results of our passion and emotion. In the Baby Scoop Era, there was no access to birth control, period, for the unmarried woman. The guys could have used condoms, but you know what they say about the erect phallus and its lack of a conscience. As we have seen in the present day, prudish parents-in-denial and other super-conservative influences try to bar the availability of birth-control measures for the young. And, sometimes, even the best birth control doesn't work.
Some of these girls were just lucky, others had well-to-do families with good connections that could obtain safe abortions for their daughters, even to sending them to other countries where it was legally available. Others were pushed to marry when a pregnancy occured. I attended one or two of these "shotgun weddings" when I was in my late teens. The presence of a wedding ring on their finger when they gave birth to these "6 and 7-month" babies kept these women out of the pre-marital sex stats for some reason. More than that, it kept their babies out of the adoption pool and home with their moms where they belonged, so, even if the marriages didn't turn out great, maybe those forced nuptuals weren't so bad if that was achieved. And, lest we forget, adopters have bad marriages and get divorced, as well.
A great many of these daughters and sons contracted STD's, which, along with delayed childbearing, lifestyle choices such as smoking, overeating, drug use and botched abortions, are cited as the main causes of infertility (look it up). Clamydia and PID were prevalent if not talked about much, and I remember that, during WWII, there were a lot of GI's rendered sterile by the "mumps." I assume that gonnorhea just got a different nickname back them. The numbers of those rendered infertile by "no good reason" is a small one. (That "delayed childbearing" really gets me, as well, since there have also been good, scientific studies to show that our most fertile years are not in the mid-30's t0 late 40's but much earlier in our lives. I mean, Well, DUH!)
These are the same adopters who will now chastise the mother for "choosing to have sex" and will jump at every woman who has an unplanned pregnancy that comes at, perhaps, not the best time in her life and court her until they have divested her of her infant and her heart, then do all they can to dump her. When some of these people, especially the wannabe adopters, start telling us that we "should have kept our legs closed," I want to say, "You should have taken your own advice." And talk about your double standards. Has it been forgotten that there was someone lying between those "open legs?" The unmarried, young or financially challenged pregnant woman is the target of all this criticism while everyone else, who did the same damn thing, gets off with a wink, a nudge and a "Whew!"
Wake up, world! Adopters are not chaste and saintly. They are as subject to all the shortcomings of humanity as any of the rest of us. They have tripped over their own peccadillos and made their own mistakes just like everyone else. They get divorces, abuse, batter, have affairs, steal, cheat, and lie in the same proportions as the rest of the population. They have done nothing outstanding to merit the children they covet over the mothers of these children. Something is very skewed when these people can judge us moms as morally unfit or unfit in any other way..lack of funds is immoral???
I was very naive for a very long time. I bought into the idea that I was one of just a few stupid girls who should have said "no." I didn't protest my heartache or even address it, because I let a very unjust society decide my worthiness to do so. I compared my inner truth to the outer lies of those around me. I weighed my worth on a scale that was tipped against me. Well, now things are back in balance, big time! I will talk about how horrible it is to have children taken for adoption due to a fallacious idea promulgated by facilitators and their clients. I will tell young women to reconsider, to keep their babies, to spare themselves and their children the pain of that unnatural separation. I will tell the truth of what happened and what continues to happen and if the truth hurts...well, so did losing my children.
I also have to address the most recent self-delusion of the adopter...the "Paper Pregnancy." And they have the nerve to make trite remarks about the terms WE use...! It seems that once the home study is complete and their names are in the pot and things start proceeding, the potential adopter will declare herself "paper pregnant." OK..how delusional is THAT? Perhaps, then, we should call them "paper parents." We could give them a red crayon so that they could properly color their "paper labor and delivery." Or, better yet, just give them "paper babies," pictures they can put on the wall or paper doll babies whose outfits they can change by bending the little paper tabs. It would save a lot on education, diapers, you name it. Then we could start giving attention to helping a mother keep and raise her own child rather than having to fight against those that encourage her to surrender that intergral part of her own being.
Maybe there is a new truism in this. "Those that can, do. Those that cannot, try to do it on paper."
New studies have shown that we weren't the only ones who "couldn't keep our pants on." It seems that nearly everyone, including the saintly adopters, were "doing it," too. I think the figure quoted was 95%...that's 95% that didn't anymore reach the hallowed marital bed with virginity intact than we did. Who'd a thunk it?
The only difference with us is that we showed the results of our passion and emotion. In the Baby Scoop Era, there was no access to birth control, period, for the unmarried woman. The guys could have used condoms, but you know what they say about the erect phallus and its lack of a conscience. As we have seen in the present day, prudish parents-in-denial and other super-conservative influences try to bar the availability of birth-control measures for the young. And, sometimes, even the best birth control doesn't work.
Some of these girls were just lucky, others had well-to-do families with good connections that could obtain safe abortions for their daughters, even to sending them to other countries where it was legally available. Others were pushed to marry when a pregnancy occured. I attended one or two of these "shotgun weddings" when I was in my late teens. The presence of a wedding ring on their finger when they gave birth to these "6 and 7-month" babies kept these women out of the pre-marital sex stats for some reason. More than that, it kept their babies out of the adoption pool and home with their moms where they belonged, so, even if the marriages didn't turn out great, maybe those forced nuptuals weren't so bad if that was achieved. And, lest we forget, adopters have bad marriages and get divorced, as well.
A great many of these daughters and sons contracted STD's, which, along with delayed childbearing, lifestyle choices such as smoking, overeating, drug use and botched abortions, are cited as the main causes of infertility (look it up). Clamydia and PID were prevalent if not talked about much, and I remember that, during WWII, there were a lot of GI's rendered sterile by the "mumps." I assume that gonnorhea just got a different nickname back them. The numbers of those rendered infertile by "no good reason" is a small one. (That "delayed childbearing" really gets me, as well, since there have also been good, scientific studies to show that our most fertile years are not in the mid-30's t0 late 40's but much earlier in our lives. I mean, Well, DUH!)
These are the same adopters who will now chastise the mother for "choosing to have sex" and will jump at every woman who has an unplanned pregnancy that comes at, perhaps, not the best time in her life and court her until they have divested her of her infant and her heart, then do all they can to dump her. When some of these people, especially the wannabe adopters, start telling us that we "should have kept our legs closed," I want to say, "You should have taken your own advice." And talk about your double standards. Has it been forgotten that there was someone lying between those "open legs?" The unmarried, young or financially challenged pregnant woman is the target of all this criticism while everyone else, who did the same damn thing, gets off with a wink, a nudge and a "Whew!"
Wake up, world! Adopters are not chaste and saintly. They are as subject to all the shortcomings of humanity as any of the rest of us. They have tripped over their own peccadillos and made their own mistakes just like everyone else. They get divorces, abuse, batter, have affairs, steal, cheat, and lie in the same proportions as the rest of the population. They have done nothing outstanding to merit the children they covet over the mothers of these children. Something is very skewed when these people can judge us moms as morally unfit or unfit in any other way..lack of funds is immoral???
I was very naive for a very long time. I bought into the idea that I was one of just a few stupid girls who should have said "no." I didn't protest my heartache or even address it, because I let a very unjust society decide my worthiness to do so. I compared my inner truth to the outer lies of those around me. I weighed my worth on a scale that was tipped against me. Well, now things are back in balance, big time! I will talk about how horrible it is to have children taken for adoption due to a fallacious idea promulgated by facilitators and their clients. I will tell young women to reconsider, to keep their babies, to spare themselves and their children the pain of that unnatural separation. I will tell the truth of what happened and what continues to happen and if the truth hurts...well, so did losing my children.
I also have to address the most recent self-delusion of the adopter...the "Paper Pregnancy." And they have the nerve to make trite remarks about the terms WE use...! It seems that once the home study is complete and their names are in the pot and things start proceeding, the potential adopter will declare herself "paper pregnant." OK..how delusional is THAT? Perhaps, then, we should call them "paper parents." We could give them a red crayon so that they could properly color their "paper labor and delivery." Or, better yet, just give them "paper babies," pictures they can put on the wall or paper doll babies whose outfits they can change by bending the little paper tabs. It would save a lot on education, diapers, you name it. Then we could start giving attention to helping a mother keep and raise her own child rather than having to fight against those that encourage her to surrender that intergral part of her own being.
Maybe there is a new truism in this. "Those that can, do. Those that cannot, try to do it on paper."
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Please Take a Moment....
....And sign this petition to help Stephanie Bennett, her supportive parents, and her baby girl, Evelyn, taken for adoption by unethical means. The adoption industry and its supporters and those who benefit from their practices are starting to hear our roars. Let's keep the pressure going. It only takes a minute to sign and you will also speak for yourself and all the rest of us.
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/828030483
Thanks!
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/828030483
Thanks!
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Moving From the Back of the Bus
A little over 6 years ago, I wrote this essay. I was just coming out of the deepest parts of my delayed mourning for my lost babies and trying to deal with the "gut punch" of realizing just how badly I had been used...how unjust it all was. I had been awakened to the greed of the industry, the hostility of adopters towards us and the anger of our own children.
We mothers from the Baby Scoop Era, who had our children taken for adoption, are still battling the stereotypes(loose sluts), the misinformation(we "made a choice") and the renewed efforts of the industry and adopters to keep us at the back of the bus. I thought I would like to re-visit these thoughts from December of 2000.
THE VIEW FROM THE BACK OF THE BUS
Name: Robin
Title (to others): "Birth-"mother
Role: Unclear
Status: Secondary
Status of Feelings: Secondary
Favorite Color: Shades of Gray
The murky waters of adoption have claimed more victims than any other disaster I can think of. The problem is, that the victims are killed over and over again. Every time I hear my daughter call me "Robin," every month that passes without hearing from my son, every time I realize that I had my motherhood amputated a long time ago where Sara and Jay are concerned, I die again, inside.
We are one of the last minorities for whom discrimination seems to be OK. We wear hoods and veils while the adopters wear halos. We are the women who, when reunited with our adult children, are often treated like "back-street" mistresses, visited secretly and never spoken of to the adopters.
Holidays, weddings, engagements, graduations, even wakes are for them, not for us. I was not even allowed at my daughter's wedding. My raised daughter was told she could come if she stayed to the back of the church and didn't bring notice to herself. I'm pleased to say that she declined the invitation.
By the very act that so many say is "noble" and "selfless", that of surrender of our children for adoption, we are relegated to the second or third-class section of our children's lives. We are thanked, but not honored. We are necessary, but many would prefer that we remain invisible. We are actively recruited, then have them pray that we will disappear. We are the "untouchables" of western society.
Those of us who do not chose to remain in the niche of second-class anonymity are thought of as "troublemakers," even by some of our sisters who surrendered. Those of us who rail against the lies and coercion by which our children were removed from us are accused of not taking responsibility for our own actions. Those of us who never stopped loving and grieving for our children are accused of "living in the past " and "not moving on with life." No matter how much pain we endure, it's all OUR fault.
So we walk on eggshells so as not to lose again the children we lost in our youth. We subjugate our needs and feelings to those of the adopters and act grateful for the crumbs we receive. Now I know how it must have felt to the African-Americans to be forced to sit in the back of the bus. I don't know about you, but I get nauseated riding in the back.
I am my childrens' Mother. That fact is carved into my heart in letters of blood. No legal doublespeak, no papers bearing any signatures or any judicial decree can change that primal and natural fact. And True Mothers don't forget and they don't accept second-class treatment and they don't ride at the back of the bus.
So, I'm fighting my way forward, not just for me, but for all my sisters who have felt less that who they truly are due to this tragedy of adoption. I am out of the closet and exposing myself, my past "sins" and successes to the light of scrutiny. I am here, at the front of the bus, and I want a seat!
Copyright © 12/31/2000 Robin Westbrook
We mothers from the Baby Scoop Era, who had our children taken for adoption, are still battling the stereotypes(loose sluts), the misinformation(we "made a choice") and the renewed efforts of the industry and adopters to keep us at the back of the bus. I thought I would like to re-visit these thoughts from December of 2000.
THE VIEW FROM THE BACK OF THE BUS
Name: Robin
Title (to others): "Birth-"mother
Role: Unclear
Status: Secondary
Status of Feelings: Secondary
Favorite Color: Shades of Gray
The murky waters of adoption have claimed more victims than any other disaster I can think of. The problem is, that the victims are killed over and over again. Every time I hear my daughter call me "Robin," every month that passes without hearing from my son, every time I realize that I had my motherhood amputated a long time ago where Sara and Jay are concerned, I die again, inside.
We are one of the last minorities for whom discrimination seems to be OK. We wear hoods and veils while the adopters wear halos. We are the women who, when reunited with our adult children, are often treated like "back-street" mistresses, visited secretly and never spoken of to the adopters.
Holidays, weddings, engagements, graduations, even wakes are for them, not for us. I was not even allowed at my daughter's wedding. My raised daughter was told she could come if she stayed to the back of the church and didn't bring notice to herself. I'm pleased to say that she declined the invitation.
By the very act that so many say is "noble" and "selfless", that of surrender of our children for adoption, we are relegated to the second or third-class section of our children's lives. We are thanked, but not honored. We are necessary, but many would prefer that we remain invisible. We are actively recruited, then have them pray that we will disappear. We are the "untouchables" of western society.
Those of us who do not chose to remain in the niche of second-class anonymity are thought of as "troublemakers," even by some of our sisters who surrendered. Those of us who rail against the lies and coercion by which our children were removed from us are accused of not taking responsibility for our own actions. Those of us who never stopped loving and grieving for our children are accused of "living in the past " and "not moving on with life." No matter how much pain we endure, it's all OUR fault.
So we walk on eggshells so as not to lose again the children we lost in our youth. We subjugate our needs and feelings to those of the adopters and act grateful for the crumbs we receive. Now I know how it must have felt to the African-Americans to be forced to sit in the back of the bus. I don't know about you, but I get nauseated riding in the back.
I am my childrens' Mother. That fact is carved into my heart in letters of blood. No legal doublespeak, no papers bearing any signatures or any judicial decree can change that primal and natural fact. And True Mothers don't forget and they don't accept second-class treatment and they don't ride at the back of the bus.
So, I'm fighting my way forward, not just for me, but for all my sisters who have felt less that who they truly are due to this tragedy of adoption. I am out of the closet and exposing myself, my past "sins" and successes to the light of scrutiny. I am here, at the front of the bus, and I want a seat!
Copyright © 12/31/2000 Robin Westbrook
Friday, January 26, 2007
Rape of the Soul
I am posting an article, today, written by *Stephen Fitzpatrick, in 2004. I'm sure that many of you might have read this, but it bears re-reading. Having been both a victim of rape and loss to adoption, I am comforted by the truth in his words.
Although the ABC game show he talks about never materialized, the media and industry glamorization of adoption continues. What really brought this to mind was another story about Melinda Duckett, a Korean adopted woman here in Florida, who took her own life a few months back, after pressure and media intrusion by the infamous Nancy Grace, and the disappearance of her son, Trenton.
There is now some evidence to indicate that, before she took her life, she may have had her son taken to Korea. She was in an intense custody battle with her ex-husband before her son disappeared and many have thought she killed the little boy. I hope the Korea theory is the right one and that Trenton is alive and well. It would make sense, in a way, that she would return her son to her own roots. If so, I hope he has family there who will keep him safe. This article is about adoption, expectations, media and how we all are raped in our souls.
Rape of the Soul
When one person, or more people, force someone to indulge in sexual activity against their will, we call this act a rape. We are aware of the horror of this despite our attempts to glamorize it in media and television. We know that a rape is a trauma, we know that the victims of rape take years to recover and we know that this road to recovery is a torturous one.
When one person, or more people, force someone to relinquish a baby against their will, we call this act adoption. We choose to ignore the horror, and describe this as a win-win situation. We choosenot to acknowledge adoption as a trauma. It is a trauma for the natural mother, a trauma for the baby, a band-aid recovery package for the adoptive parents who do not get to deal with their real issues around sterility and infertility.
No one consciously chooses to have their being penetrated by a stranger, to give away an intimate, vulnerable part of themselves. No one does it freely. It is an act done out of fear. It is a desperate act done because the belief exists that to do otherwise would result in death. No mother chooses freely, willingly or easily to give away her precious child, whom she has created. The overt and covert pressure from family, from society, from social workers, from people she believes have a greater power and knowledge than the power and knowledge of her own mothering instincts take over her being in an abusive swoop. She has to believe the direct and indirect threats in order to relinquish her flesh and blood. She believes her own life is in danger, that the shame that she will suffer will annihilate her. She believes that her child will be better off elsewhere, in a two parent, financially secure stronghold. These beliefs are false. The information fed to her is untrue. Her decision to relinquish is based on lies.
A victim of sexual abuse is made to feel guilty by his or her perpetrator. The shame, the guilt, the self blame, the horrific feeling of being dirty, the one at cause, the one who deserves to have this happen, results in a downward spiralling, all consuming powerlessness. A powerlessness which silences. A powerlessness which does not allow for the truth to be said. A powerlessness which robs us of our authenticity. A powerlessness which can kill.
When a mother is separated from her infant, two beings enter a state of agony. The agony is turned inwards, for the society who created the shame, the society who does not approve of the mother’s sexuality, who does not approve of a bastard being born into the world, does not validate the torture that the separation creates. It does not wish to see the effects of its hypocrisy, and demands that the mother pretends that she did not give birth to her child. It demands that the child live as if the strangers to whom it is given created it, mistakenly believing that this relieves the child of its illegitimate status. Society creates denial for itself. It hides the real facts in brown envelopes, which are not allowed to be opened. The secret must be preserved at all costs.
The secret is preserved by refusing to allow mothers and children to speak about their experience. By pretending that everyone is better off. By creating a packaging around adoption which is so appealing, that no one thinks to look below the cover and ask what this institution is really about. A packaging so seductive that even those who are the most closely involved do not see what is really going on. People imagine that mothers are relieved to see their unwanted children leave their lives.
They do not imagine that the mother is no different from the blissful expectant mother who is radiant and glowing, alive with the sensuality of carrying her unborn child. They do not imagine the mother being desperately in love with her child, wanting to be there to hold and nurture and love her child in the same way that any other mother would. They imagine this mother to be different, to be a monster. But she is not a monster, she is the loving mother who is not allowed to love. The caring mother not allowed to care. The supporting mother not allowed to support. She is the mother whose soul has been raped.
The primary definition of rape is to take by force. No word is more apt to describe what adoption is really about. ‘Force’ has been smoothed down to such an extent that it is hardly noticeable. It is a technique which has become so subtle and professionally polished, that it gives the opposite impression of what it is about. Cigarette companies advertise their product with a huge dose of sexuality and glamour. They hide the truth that cigarettes are about addiction and the destruction of one’s health. Cigarette companies wish to create a fortune by promising love, attraction, romance, partnership, sex appeal. When will they be truthful about what they are doing? Why do their advertising campaigns not show deceased lungs, people on support machines, bodies which are yellow and crippled, with barely enough air inside them to keep them alive? This is what cigarettes do to a person. But the truth is distorted, and a lie is put in its place in order to make a profit through deceit. A person’s health is taken away from them, intentionally. This is a rape of a person’s birthright.
Adoption is the same. The lifelong effects of adoption are not made clear to anyone. The natural mother, by now relegated to a breeding machine by the inhuman prefix “birth”, was not told that she would suffer lifelong, irresolvable grief. The adoption agencies didn’t mention it. That the adoptee, literally born into a vacuum, will feel the loss, will spend the rest of his life searching for the missing link, is also glossed over. There is no acceptance of reality, no attempt to deal humanely with the consequences. We are all supposed to feel happy about this event. Society wants us to believe we have all been done a favour. Rape is too gentle a word for what has happened.
As if this vile violence is not enough, America has now decided to make a sport out of it. ABC television has created a show where prospective adoptive couples get to compete, on TV, for a baby. The lucky couple will get to take the child home. It is a return to medieval times, where human atrocities were spectator sports. People will cheer as the ‘prize’ gets torn away from its mother. They will gloat over the good fortune of the ‘lucky couple’ who have had their dream come true. This kind of behaviour mirrors a society which has become so out of touch with itself that it mistakes its own barbarity for entertainment. Did anyone wonder how the baby will respond during adolescence when she asks “Mummy, where did I come from?”. The reply won’t be “From my tummy, darling”. It will be “You were first prize on a game show honey.” How many of us can say we would enjoy hearing that from our parents. I suspect the answer is a resounding zero. Yet,the show must go on. The glamour is important, after all, and plenty of money is waiting to be made.
Rape by Media. Society sits back and enjoys the blood, and then washes its hands. Pretends it is innocent. The torn lives are never fully healed. As with the excessive smoker, adoption, also has fatal consequences. Unlike the tobacco industry, there is no large warning sign on the consent forms. This month, April 2004, two women took their lives due to the pain they suffered from being separated from their children. I dedicate this article to these two women, Cindy and Kate. May we stop manipulating and lying to each other with fatal consequences, and may we do it before too many more Cindys and Kates have to sacrifice their lives for us to take some notice.
*© Stephen Fitzpatrick, May 2004
Although the ABC game show he talks about never materialized, the media and industry glamorization of adoption continues. What really brought this to mind was another story about Melinda Duckett, a Korean adopted woman here in Florida, who took her own life a few months back, after pressure and media intrusion by the infamous Nancy Grace, and the disappearance of her son, Trenton.
There is now some evidence to indicate that, before she took her life, she may have had her son taken to Korea. She was in an intense custody battle with her ex-husband before her son disappeared and many have thought she killed the little boy. I hope the Korea theory is the right one and that Trenton is alive and well. It would make sense, in a way, that she would return her son to her own roots. If so, I hope he has family there who will keep him safe. This article is about adoption, expectations, media and how we all are raped in our souls.
Rape of the Soul
When one person, or more people, force someone to indulge in sexual activity against their will, we call this act a rape. We are aware of the horror of this despite our attempts to glamorize it in media and television. We know that a rape is a trauma, we know that the victims of rape take years to recover and we know that this road to recovery is a torturous one.
When one person, or more people, force someone to relinquish a baby against their will, we call this act adoption. We choose to ignore the horror, and describe this as a win-win situation. We choosenot to acknowledge adoption as a trauma. It is a trauma for the natural mother, a trauma for the baby, a band-aid recovery package for the adoptive parents who do not get to deal with their real issues around sterility and infertility.
No one consciously chooses to have their being penetrated by a stranger, to give away an intimate, vulnerable part of themselves. No one does it freely. It is an act done out of fear. It is a desperate act done because the belief exists that to do otherwise would result in death. No mother chooses freely, willingly or easily to give away her precious child, whom she has created. The overt and covert pressure from family, from society, from social workers, from people she believes have a greater power and knowledge than the power and knowledge of her own mothering instincts take over her being in an abusive swoop. She has to believe the direct and indirect threats in order to relinquish her flesh and blood. She believes her own life is in danger, that the shame that she will suffer will annihilate her. She believes that her child will be better off elsewhere, in a two parent, financially secure stronghold. These beliefs are false. The information fed to her is untrue. Her decision to relinquish is based on lies.
A victim of sexual abuse is made to feel guilty by his or her perpetrator. The shame, the guilt, the self blame, the horrific feeling of being dirty, the one at cause, the one who deserves to have this happen, results in a downward spiralling, all consuming powerlessness. A powerlessness which silences. A powerlessness which does not allow for the truth to be said. A powerlessness which robs us of our authenticity. A powerlessness which can kill.
When a mother is separated from her infant, two beings enter a state of agony. The agony is turned inwards, for the society who created the shame, the society who does not approve of the mother’s sexuality, who does not approve of a bastard being born into the world, does not validate the torture that the separation creates. It does not wish to see the effects of its hypocrisy, and demands that the mother pretends that she did not give birth to her child. It demands that the child live as if the strangers to whom it is given created it, mistakenly believing that this relieves the child of its illegitimate status. Society creates denial for itself. It hides the real facts in brown envelopes, which are not allowed to be opened. The secret must be preserved at all costs.
The secret is preserved by refusing to allow mothers and children to speak about their experience. By pretending that everyone is better off. By creating a packaging around adoption which is so appealing, that no one thinks to look below the cover and ask what this institution is really about. A packaging so seductive that even those who are the most closely involved do not see what is really going on. People imagine that mothers are relieved to see their unwanted children leave their lives.
They do not imagine that the mother is no different from the blissful expectant mother who is radiant and glowing, alive with the sensuality of carrying her unborn child. They do not imagine the mother being desperately in love with her child, wanting to be there to hold and nurture and love her child in the same way that any other mother would. They imagine this mother to be different, to be a monster. But she is not a monster, she is the loving mother who is not allowed to love. The caring mother not allowed to care. The supporting mother not allowed to support. She is the mother whose soul has been raped.
The primary definition of rape is to take by force. No word is more apt to describe what adoption is really about. ‘Force’ has been smoothed down to such an extent that it is hardly noticeable. It is a technique which has become so subtle and professionally polished, that it gives the opposite impression of what it is about. Cigarette companies advertise their product with a huge dose of sexuality and glamour. They hide the truth that cigarettes are about addiction and the destruction of one’s health. Cigarette companies wish to create a fortune by promising love, attraction, romance, partnership, sex appeal. When will they be truthful about what they are doing? Why do their advertising campaigns not show deceased lungs, people on support machines, bodies which are yellow and crippled, with barely enough air inside them to keep them alive? This is what cigarettes do to a person. But the truth is distorted, and a lie is put in its place in order to make a profit through deceit. A person’s health is taken away from them, intentionally. This is a rape of a person’s birthright.
Adoption is the same. The lifelong effects of adoption are not made clear to anyone. The natural mother, by now relegated to a breeding machine by the inhuman prefix “birth”, was not told that she would suffer lifelong, irresolvable grief. The adoption agencies didn’t mention it. That the adoptee, literally born into a vacuum, will feel the loss, will spend the rest of his life searching for the missing link, is also glossed over. There is no acceptance of reality, no attempt to deal humanely with the consequences. We are all supposed to feel happy about this event. Society wants us to believe we have all been done a favour. Rape is too gentle a word for what has happened.
As if this vile violence is not enough, America has now decided to make a sport out of it. ABC television has created a show where prospective adoptive couples get to compete, on TV, for a baby. The lucky couple will get to take the child home. It is a return to medieval times, where human atrocities were spectator sports. People will cheer as the ‘prize’ gets torn away from its mother. They will gloat over the good fortune of the ‘lucky couple’ who have had their dream come true. This kind of behaviour mirrors a society which has become so out of touch with itself that it mistakes its own barbarity for entertainment. Did anyone wonder how the baby will respond during adolescence when she asks “Mummy, where did I come from?”. The reply won’t be “From my tummy, darling”. It will be “You were first prize on a game show honey.” How many of us can say we would enjoy hearing that from our parents. I suspect the answer is a resounding zero. Yet,the show must go on. The glamour is important, after all, and plenty of money is waiting to be made.
Rape by Media. Society sits back and enjoys the blood, and then washes its hands. Pretends it is innocent. The torn lives are never fully healed. As with the excessive smoker, adoption, also has fatal consequences. Unlike the tobacco industry, there is no large warning sign on the consent forms. This month, April 2004, two women took their lives due to the pain they suffered from being separated from their children. I dedicate this article to these two women, Cindy and Kate. May we stop manipulating and lying to each other with fatal consequences, and may we do it before too many more Cindys and Kates have to sacrifice their lives for us to take some notice.
*© Stephen Fitzpatrick, May 2004
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Please Help
Today's post is for Stephanie Bennett, her baby daughter Evelyn and her supportive parents in their battle against the shameful actions of a school official and a greedy, maniuplative agency. Please read and help. This was posted by a friend who has been helping the Bennetts.
Help needed for Stephanie and Evelyn Bennett
I am passing the following on as help is desperatly needed. Please feel free to pass this on to whatever blogs, lists, forums, etc...a flood of letters is very necessary.************************I really need help!
The Bennett family desperately needs letters to be written, preferably snail mail, if at all possible, and emails if nothing else. I am attaching addresses below, and I will bring you up to speed as much as I possibly can....I received a phone call from Judy Bennett this morning. She is Stephanie’s mother and a very nice lady. She got a phone call from the reporter and they are going to do another article about Steph and about the case. I will bring you up to speed as much as I can so that you will be informed.
Stephanie went to the school guidance counselor’s office and mentioned adoption to him. The guy never said a single word to her, but turned in his seat, reached in his drawer and pulled out a pamphlet and business card for the agency and made a phone call. They made arrangements for Steph to come into his office the next day, the agency women were there, and they had Steph sign the papers there in the counselor’s office. The woman from the agency told Steph in front of the counselor that she should run away from home in case her parents tried to stop her. She said that it was illegal to run away and the woman told her no, that she was the mother of Evelyn and could. They sent her to some safe house place where she stayed.
The Bennetts were terrified and had no idea where she was, so they called the police. The police called the agency after speaking to the counselor apparently and the agency told them that they had no idea where she was. They essentially lied through their teeth… imagine that! An agency lying!!!
But, the point is that all of this was conducted in the Guidance Counselor’s office, in front of him. This is unethical, immoral and breaches every kind of trust issue there is for counselors. Oh, I have not been able to verify this, but the asst. Superintendent supposedly is the one who owns the agency, and he resigned last week as Asst. Super. I am including some addresses below. Please write to some of these folks and ask questions, register your unhappiness at the school’s part in this. I will also include other addresses, if you are in a letter writing mood…..Letters could turn the trick on this, I really think. BTW, the counselor’s name is Thomas Saltsman, and his signature is all over the relinquishment docs.
Glen Oak High School
1301 Schneider Street, N.E.
Canton, OH 44721
Mark Harman, Principal/HS Curriculum
CoordinatorMichael Labriola,
Academy Principal Dave Pilati
Academy Principal Cindy Donnelly, PrincipalMark Parent, Assistant Principal,
Plain Local School District901
44th St., N.W.
Canton, OH 44709
Christopher Smith, Local Superintendent
Tom Brabson, Special Assistant to SuperintendentN. Kathleen Jordan, TreasurerJim Aquilo, Admn AssistJim Knis, Business ManagerJim Gertz, Director of Programs
The Honorable Arlene J. SetzerChair,
House Education Committee
Ohio House of Representatives
77 South High Street13th Floor
Columbus, OH 43266
The Honorable Joy Padgett
Ohio SenateSenate Building Room 035
Columbus, OH 43215
State Board of Education
Office of Board Relations
Ohio Department of Education Building
25 S. Front St. 7th Floor
Columbus, OH 43215
They are in District 8 and their rep is Deborah L. CainThe At-Large Members are Robin C. HovisStephen MillettEric C. OkersonEmerson J. Ross, Jr.Carl WickSue WestendorfAnn Wormer Benjamin
Here is the information for the Akron Beacon, which has been the only newspaper in the country that reported on this, and another article coming. The reporter’s name is Rick Armon and his email addy is rarmon@thebeaconjournal.com Very nice man.
Contact us by Email or Phone
Postal address:Akron Beacon Journal
44 East Exchange Street
P.O. Box 640
Akron, OH 44309-0640
Publisher, Edward R. Moss 330-996-3483 emoss@thebeaconjournal.com
Managing Editor, Mizell Stewart330-996-3507 mstewart@thebeaconjournal.com
Deputy Managing Editor, Bruce Winges 330-996-3858 bwinges@thebeaconjournal.com
Metro Editor, Ann Sheldon Mezger(Coverage of local news) 330-996-3586 amezger@thebeaconjournal.comEditorial
Page Editor, Michael Douglas(Comments about editorial page)
330-996-3512 mdouglas@thebeaconjournal.com
Letters to Voice of the People; vop@thebeaconjournal.com
And, finally the agency….A Child's Waiting.
Ohio Adoption Agency
3490 Ridgewood Rd.,
Akron, Ohio 44333
The names of the women there are:Jennifer Bessemer-Marandon and Crissy Bessemer-Kolarik. They are sisters and both are counselors at the agency. The husband of Crissy Bessemer-Kolarik is an adoption attorney. There can also be letters written to the Courthouse, where Stephanie’s case will be held. You can send them to the ;
Magistrate’s Office, Summit County Courthouse
209 S. High Street,
Akron, Ohio 44308
Thank you all so very much for the time and effort you are making on behalf of this family. They are good people who have done everything right. They do not deserve to have this kind of treatment, nor does Baby Evelyn. Please take a moment and send a note to some of these people.
And thank you, from me, Robin, as well. These people deserve all the help they can get.
Help needed for Stephanie and Evelyn Bennett
I am passing the following on as help is desperatly needed. Please feel free to pass this on to whatever blogs, lists, forums, etc...a flood of letters is very necessary.************************I really need help!
The Bennett family desperately needs letters to be written, preferably snail mail, if at all possible, and emails if nothing else. I am attaching addresses below, and I will bring you up to speed as much as I possibly can....I received a phone call from Judy Bennett this morning. She is Stephanie’s mother and a very nice lady. She got a phone call from the reporter and they are going to do another article about Steph and about the case. I will bring you up to speed as much as I can so that you will be informed.
Stephanie went to the school guidance counselor’s office and mentioned adoption to him. The guy never said a single word to her, but turned in his seat, reached in his drawer and pulled out a pamphlet and business card for the agency and made a phone call. They made arrangements for Steph to come into his office the next day, the agency women were there, and they had Steph sign the papers there in the counselor’s office. The woman from the agency told Steph in front of the counselor that she should run away from home in case her parents tried to stop her. She said that it was illegal to run away and the woman told her no, that she was the mother of Evelyn and could. They sent her to some safe house place where she stayed.
The Bennetts were terrified and had no idea where she was, so they called the police. The police called the agency after speaking to the counselor apparently and the agency told them that they had no idea where she was. They essentially lied through their teeth… imagine that! An agency lying!!!
But, the point is that all of this was conducted in the Guidance Counselor’s office, in front of him. This is unethical, immoral and breaches every kind of trust issue there is for counselors. Oh, I have not been able to verify this, but the asst. Superintendent supposedly is the one who owns the agency, and he resigned last week as Asst. Super. I am including some addresses below. Please write to some of these folks and ask questions, register your unhappiness at the school’s part in this. I will also include other addresses, if you are in a letter writing mood…..Letters could turn the trick on this, I really think. BTW, the counselor’s name is Thomas Saltsman, and his signature is all over the relinquishment docs.
Glen Oak High School
1301 Schneider Street, N.E.
Canton, OH 44721
Mark Harman, Principal/HS Curriculum
CoordinatorMichael Labriola,
Academy Principal Dave Pilati
Academy Principal Cindy Donnelly, PrincipalMark Parent, Assistant Principal,
Plain Local School District901
44th St., N.W.
Canton, OH 44709
Christopher Smith, Local Superintendent
Tom Brabson, Special Assistant to SuperintendentN. Kathleen Jordan, TreasurerJim Aquilo, Admn AssistJim Knis, Business ManagerJim Gertz, Director of Programs
The Honorable Arlene J. SetzerChair,
House Education Committee
Ohio House of Representatives
77 South High Street13th Floor
Columbus, OH 43266
The Honorable Joy Padgett
Ohio SenateSenate Building Room 035
Columbus, OH 43215
State Board of Education
Office of Board Relations
Ohio Department of Education Building
25 S. Front St. 7th Floor
Columbus, OH 43215
They are in District 8 and their rep is Deborah L. CainThe At-Large Members are Robin C. HovisStephen MillettEric C. OkersonEmerson J. Ross, Jr.Carl WickSue WestendorfAnn Wormer Benjamin
Here is the information for the Akron Beacon, which has been the only newspaper in the country that reported on this, and another article coming. The reporter’s name is Rick Armon and his email addy is rarmon@thebeaconjournal.com Very nice man.
Contact us by Email or Phone
Postal address:Akron Beacon Journal
44 East Exchange Street
P.O. Box 640
Akron, OH 44309-0640
Publisher, Edward R. Moss 330-996-3483 emoss@thebeaconjournal.com
Managing Editor, Mizell Stewart330-996-3507 mstewart@thebeaconjournal.com
Deputy Managing Editor, Bruce Winges 330-996-3858 bwinges@thebeaconjournal.com
Metro Editor, Ann Sheldon Mezger(Coverage of local news) 330-996-3586 amezger@thebeaconjournal.comEditorial
Page Editor, Michael Douglas(Comments about editorial page)
330-996-3512 mdouglas@thebeaconjournal.com
Letters to Voice of the People; vop@thebeaconjournal.com
And, finally the agency….A Child's Waiting.
Ohio Adoption Agency
3490 Ridgewood Rd.,
Akron, Ohio 44333
The names of the women there are:Jennifer Bessemer-Marandon and Crissy Bessemer-Kolarik. They are sisters and both are counselors at the agency. The husband of Crissy Bessemer-Kolarik is an adoption attorney. There can also be letters written to the Courthouse, where Stephanie’s case will be held. You can send them to the ;
Magistrate’s Office, Summit County Courthouse
209 S. High Street,
Akron, Ohio 44308
Thank you all so very much for the time and effort you are making on behalf of this family. They are good people who have done everything right. They do not deserve to have this kind of treatment, nor does Baby Evelyn. Please take a moment and send a note to some of these people.
And thank you, from me, Robin, as well. These people deserve all the help they can get.
Monday, January 22, 2007
About The Fathers of Adoption Loss
There's been some talk, here and there, about the "wrongs" done to the fathers of children lost to adoption. Again, the mother gets the blame and the shaft, which is another case of the same stuff, different day. But this one is a bit much for me to just let it pass.
Maybe this might help some understand;
I was deeply in love with my daughter's father, or, at least thought I was. I was as much in passionate love as a girl of 15 can possibly be. I trusted him, I gave myself to him in love and I believed him when he told me he loved me. We were both minors. When he found out I was pregnant, he got together with his buddies (a close group of about 9 guys) and they worked out a scheme. They would all claim to have slept with me and divert attention from him so that he wouldn't get "caught holding the bag (his words)."
They did a very good job of this and managed to totally ruin my reputation and my chances for any kind of normal life in my small community for years and years to come. If I had actually done what they all claimed I had done, I wouldn't have had time for anything else but quick meals and showers between sex partners. I would probably have been sleep-deprived. When would I have had time to even have a baby? Please remember that this was 1961/62 in the Bible-Belt south.
They did such a good job that every nerd and frustrated, out of luck, male virgin, who even slightly knew who I was, claimed to have had a crack at me, pun intended. These pitiful specimens figured the guys in the locker room would believe them if they told them they had "done" me. My faithless first love had gotten into a bit of a scrape with the law and had told his juvie officer that he wasn't even in town when I got pregnant and the idiot believed him.
They did such a good job that my son's (second child lost to adoption) father, in the act of beating and raping me, told me that if I "gave it to A*******, you'll BY GOD, give it to ME!" It was all so hurtful and horrible and demeaning and my raised children had to hear this garbage said about me, their mother, even years after the fact. My ex-husband was a voluntary martyr to that vicious gossip and he never let me forget about his, assumed, "moral superiority."
My daughter's father, however, did have a very ethical, responsible fatherof his own who knew, without a doubt, that my baby was his grandchild, despite what his son said. He ordered his son to give the SW all the information she needed and to admit to the SW and my parents, that he was the father of my child. Unfortunately, he was unable to stop what he said to other people, and by that time the damage had been done.
His father also begged my Mom to let him know how I was and all about the baby when the time came. He talked to her about forcing his son to marry me, but Mom knew that I didn't want him under those circumstances and she was still trying to "save me" from the gossip and the erroneous notion that having and keeping a baby would destroy me. She wanted me to be a carefree virgin again.
My daughter called her paternal grandfather the second day after our first meeting and, when she identified herself, he whispered her original name over the phone. We had a lovely visit with them and my daughter was in deep grief when this nice man passed away a couple of years ago. "Elmer" will be missed. Both he and his wife were very nice people who, unfortunately, overindulged their "shining star" son.
This jerk, however, still hedged when he met his daughter, alluding to my alleged "promiscuity." He reluctantly acknowledged that he was "probably" her father only after she talked about doing a DNA test to make sure. She laughed about that, later, because his youngest son was standing there, marveling at how they were "looking at each other with the same eyes and smile." He has since totally rejected her and any kind of relationship with her.
Of course the animal who raped me also rejected any contact with his son...he also denied that I was raped, stating that I had shared a beer with him, gone to the "lover's lane" with him and was, therefore, "asking for it" and that I was "that kind of girl (*nudge and wink)."
NEITHER ONE of these "dads" have ever had to suffer any manner of repurcussions from their acts. It was all on my head as was all the "blame." I was seen as the only one "responsible" for getting pregnant, even though it does take two, according to the biology textbook, and even when it was the result of an execrable act of violence.
No, I've seen too many of my peers (and a lot of younger women) go to the fathers of their babies for help only to watch these men swagger away with no qualms, whatsoever. Those that claim they were never told, well, some of them are telling the truth. But a lot more of them are outright lying. They married, they had jobs..many of them were successful and you cannot tell me that they ever spent more than a moment wondering if we and our babies were OK. They sure do jump like fleas off a dog when their adult children show up...usually trying to hide them from their wives and subsequent children.
Now, the talk on some other lists is about all those "poor Daddies" and we moms are, again, the goats, which, I am beginning to think, is just what adopters and our own children want us to be. The injustices keeps piling up and this is one where I have to balk and balk big time. Yes, there are a few men out there who did care and who tried, but they are NOT the victims. This all just shows how patriarchal and oppressive this society still is...men predate on women and women predate on other women to get their babies and the ones who lose are still getting the blame and the shaft and the crumbs and absolutely no respect.
If these daddies want to help, here we are. We've been needing them and their support for a long time. Hi Fellas! Better late than never? You don't have to marry me, love me or provide for me or my child...that time is long past. But we sure could use some down-home truth and honesty from your corner. You see, most of our children already believe that we are the ugly, unnatural mother demons behind their pain and are now starting to see you guys as innocent victims. There's a lot you could help clarify...if you have the guts to do it.
I am beginning to wonder what's the f****** use! We are at the bottom of the pile, due to our circumstances and our gender. But I'd like our adult children to know that, in the majority of cases, if Big Daddy had cared, then you wouldn't be searching and needing support groups for adoption issues and having to fight for open records. In other words, you probably would have never been adopted.
Maybe this might help some understand;
I was deeply in love with my daughter's father, or, at least thought I was. I was as much in passionate love as a girl of 15 can possibly be. I trusted him, I gave myself to him in love and I believed him when he told me he loved me. We were both minors. When he found out I was pregnant, he got together with his buddies (a close group of about 9 guys) and they worked out a scheme. They would all claim to have slept with me and divert attention from him so that he wouldn't get "caught holding the bag (his words)."
They did a very good job of this and managed to totally ruin my reputation and my chances for any kind of normal life in my small community for years and years to come. If I had actually done what they all claimed I had done, I wouldn't have had time for anything else but quick meals and showers between sex partners. I would probably have been sleep-deprived. When would I have had time to even have a baby? Please remember that this was 1961/62 in the Bible-Belt south.
They did such a good job that every nerd and frustrated, out of luck, male virgin, who even slightly knew who I was, claimed to have had a crack at me, pun intended. These pitiful specimens figured the guys in the locker room would believe them if they told them they had "done" me. My faithless first love had gotten into a bit of a scrape with the law and had told his juvie officer that he wasn't even in town when I got pregnant and the idiot believed him.
They did such a good job that my son's (second child lost to adoption) father, in the act of beating and raping me, told me that if I "gave it to A*******, you'll BY GOD, give it to ME!" It was all so hurtful and horrible and demeaning and my raised children had to hear this garbage said about me, their mother, even years after the fact. My ex-husband was a voluntary martyr to that vicious gossip and he never let me forget about his, assumed, "moral superiority."
My daughter's father, however, did have a very ethical, responsible fatherof his own who knew, without a doubt, that my baby was his grandchild, despite what his son said. He ordered his son to give the SW all the information she needed and to admit to the SW and my parents, that he was the father of my child. Unfortunately, he was unable to stop what he said to other people, and by that time the damage had been done.
His father also begged my Mom to let him know how I was and all about the baby when the time came. He talked to her about forcing his son to marry me, but Mom knew that I didn't want him under those circumstances and she was still trying to "save me" from the gossip and the erroneous notion that having and keeping a baby would destroy me. She wanted me to be a carefree virgin again.
My daughter called her paternal grandfather the second day after our first meeting and, when she identified herself, he whispered her original name over the phone. We had a lovely visit with them and my daughter was in deep grief when this nice man passed away a couple of years ago. "Elmer" will be missed. Both he and his wife were very nice people who, unfortunately, overindulged their "shining star" son.
This jerk, however, still hedged when he met his daughter, alluding to my alleged "promiscuity." He reluctantly acknowledged that he was "probably" her father only after she talked about doing a DNA test to make sure. She laughed about that, later, because his youngest son was standing there, marveling at how they were "looking at each other with the same eyes and smile." He has since totally rejected her and any kind of relationship with her.
Of course the animal who raped me also rejected any contact with his son...he also denied that I was raped, stating that I had shared a beer with him, gone to the "lover's lane" with him and was, therefore, "asking for it" and that I was "that kind of girl (*nudge and wink)."
NEITHER ONE of these "dads" have ever had to suffer any manner of repurcussions from their acts. It was all on my head as was all the "blame." I was seen as the only one "responsible" for getting pregnant, even though it does take two, according to the biology textbook, and even when it was the result of an execrable act of violence.
No, I've seen too many of my peers (and a lot of younger women) go to the fathers of their babies for help only to watch these men swagger away with no qualms, whatsoever. Those that claim they were never told, well, some of them are telling the truth. But a lot more of them are outright lying. They married, they had jobs..many of them were successful and you cannot tell me that they ever spent more than a moment wondering if we and our babies were OK. They sure do jump like fleas off a dog when their adult children show up...usually trying to hide them from their wives and subsequent children.
Now, the talk on some other lists is about all those "poor Daddies" and we moms are, again, the goats, which, I am beginning to think, is just what adopters and our own children want us to be. The injustices keeps piling up and this is one where I have to balk and balk big time. Yes, there are a few men out there who did care and who tried, but they are NOT the victims. This all just shows how patriarchal and oppressive this society still is...men predate on women and women predate on other women to get their babies and the ones who lose are still getting the blame and the shaft and the crumbs and absolutely no respect.
If these daddies want to help, here we are. We've been needing them and their support for a long time. Hi Fellas! Better late than never? You don't have to marry me, love me or provide for me or my child...that time is long past. But we sure could use some down-home truth and honesty from your corner. You see, most of our children already believe that we are the ugly, unnatural mother demons behind their pain and are now starting to see you guys as innocent victims. There's a lot you could help clarify...if you have the guts to do it.
I am beginning to wonder what's the f****** use! We are at the bottom of the pile, due to our circumstances and our gender. But I'd like our adult children to know that, in the majority of cases, if Big Daddy had cared, then you wouldn't be searching and needing support groups for adoption issues and having to fight for open records. In other words, you probably would have never been adopted.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Well Moms, What Now?
‘All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing’ (Edmund Burke)
After the heart-breaking court proceedings of yesterday, in Akron, I am left with a decidedly bad taste in my mouth. You know, we rant and we rage about the industry and the society that perpetrates this kind of adoption atrocity, but that seems to be about it. We fall short of realizing that we are as implicit in this legal crime as everyone else is because we are silent, because we are fearful and because we are too busy and self-involved and think that "someone else" will do it. Don't get me wrong. I am not letting myself off the hook with this fact, either.
Although my friend, Sandy Young, and others have been in contact with the Bennetts and have flooded the Internet groups with pleas for help, only one person, out of several in that area, showed up at the courthouse, yesterday, signs in hand, to support this young mom. I was so disappointed that more were not there.
I don't know why I am surprised, though. For years, I have seen secretive aliases, fearful and timid mothers, frozen moms and happy barfmuggers doing their all to keep us penned into some kind of secret society where no one has to stick their necks out for what is right. We talk and talk and work this idea over and make plans for this event and that idea and NOTHING is ever actually done. PR's hit the Internet sites days after the event, if at all. Deadlines come and go, opportunities are missed and adoption flourishes while people argue over the placement of a word or date or sentence structure. The desire that many of us, who are now entering our sixth decade, holds dear..to see the injustices of the BSE addressed in our lifetime...is becoming a misty dream, subject to the inertia of us big-talking "activists."
None of us can do what needs to be done, alone. And we all have lives apart from adoption activism. I am getting ready to sell our house and move to another state within this next year. BUT, I am also ready to work with anyone who will actually DO SOMETHING. It seems we can skip off to retreats and seminars and healing sessions, but we can't brave the light of public scrutiny and put our actions where our mouth is.
We go into our groups, supposedly to be active, and it becomes a mutual gripe session where we preach to the choir, ad infinitum. A lot of our groups seem to be not even for healing and moving forward, but more for mutual misery recitations. We are fast losing our edge in the more well-known groups, OUSA, CUB and others, while we measure our steps, micro-manage everything to death and try not to offend. This is an issue of passion and justice...not an intellectual exercise. We have the talent in a lot of different areas, so why are we so mired down in the details? (I am going to have some really miffed friends when they read this.)
I'm not a searcher, or a researcher or a person to sit down and analyze legislation and data. But I can write with some talent and I can speak and I can ORATE, with passion if need be. I can and am willing to stand in front of a crowd and exhort them to action and commitment. I can hold a sign and I can wear a button and I can be proud and unashamed to speak out for that which I believe to be right. Hey, I even use my right name and location on this blog. Here I am..use me...give me the facts you want included, and I will do my part while you do yours...but DO IT!
And, I figure, friends, that if we can make it to a beach retreat, a Heart-to-Heart gathering, a healing weekend or an Adoption conference, then we can, once in a while, gather a few of us together to support a mom who needs it when her whole future is on the line. The other side is winning battles and we are helping them win those battles with our inaction. Not cool...not cool at all.
After the heart-breaking court proceedings of yesterday, in Akron, I am left with a decidedly bad taste in my mouth. You know, we rant and we rage about the industry and the society that perpetrates this kind of adoption atrocity, but that seems to be about it. We fall short of realizing that we are as implicit in this legal crime as everyone else is because we are silent, because we are fearful and because we are too busy and self-involved and think that "someone else" will do it. Don't get me wrong. I am not letting myself off the hook with this fact, either.
Although my friend, Sandy Young, and others have been in contact with the Bennetts and have flooded the Internet groups with pleas for help, only one person, out of several in that area, showed up at the courthouse, yesterday, signs in hand, to support this young mom. I was so disappointed that more were not there.
I don't know why I am surprised, though. For years, I have seen secretive aliases, fearful and timid mothers, frozen moms and happy barfmuggers doing their all to keep us penned into some kind of secret society where no one has to stick their necks out for what is right. We talk and talk and work this idea over and make plans for this event and that idea and NOTHING is ever actually done. PR's hit the Internet sites days after the event, if at all. Deadlines come and go, opportunities are missed and adoption flourishes while people argue over the placement of a word or date or sentence structure. The desire that many of us, who are now entering our sixth decade, holds dear..to see the injustices of the BSE addressed in our lifetime...is becoming a misty dream, subject to the inertia of us big-talking "activists."
None of us can do what needs to be done, alone. And we all have lives apart from adoption activism. I am getting ready to sell our house and move to another state within this next year. BUT, I am also ready to work with anyone who will actually DO SOMETHING. It seems we can skip off to retreats and seminars and healing sessions, but we can't brave the light of public scrutiny and put our actions where our mouth is.
We go into our groups, supposedly to be active, and it becomes a mutual gripe session where we preach to the choir, ad infinitum. A lot of our groups seem to be not even for healing and moving forward, but more for mutual misery recitations. We are fast losing our edge in the more well-known groups, OUSA, CUB and others, while we measure our steps, micro-manage everything to death and try not to offend. This is an issue of passion and justice...not an intellectual exercise. We have the talent in a lot of different areas, so why are we so mired down in the details? (I am going to have some really miffed friends when they read this.)
I'm not a searcher, or a researcher or a person to sit down and analyze legislation and data. But I can write with some talent and I can speak and I can ORATE, with passion if need be. I can and am willing to stand in front of a crowd and exhort them to action and commitment. I can hold a sign and I can wear a button and I can be proud and unashamed to speak out for that which I believe to be right. Hey, I even use my right name and location on this blog. Here I am..use me...give me the facts you want included, and I will do my part while you do yours...but DO IT!
And, I figure, friends, that if we can make it to a beach retreat, a Heart-to-Heart gathering, a healing weekend or an Adoption conference, then we can, once in a while, gather a few of us together to support a mom who needs it when her whole future is on the line. The other side is winning battles and we are helping them win those battles with our inaction. Not cool...not cool at all.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Land of the Elite and Home of the Self-Entitled
What Has Happened To Our Country?
I am sick at heart and, honestly, quite furious. The court hearing for Stephanie Bennett to, hopefully, overturn surrender of parental rights to her daughter, Evelyn, that was held this morning in Akron, Ohio, did not go well. From what I am able to see, the total corruption of our national ethics and morals and sense of compassion, in our courts and in our laws, where the rights of mothers and families are concerned, has been accomplished by the eugenicists, adoption attorneys, social workers and the self-entitled adopters of this nation. Pat your sorry, pompous selves on the back because you won. Please take note, also, that I could give a rat's ass who I offend at this point.
A nice, average family, who didn't deserve this crap, has lost their little girl and that little girl has lost her chance at a natural and normal life in the bosom of her True and Natural family. Good going, you guys. Now, whose baby shall you snatch next or which mother shall you coerce and manipulate today? Work, work, work...*sigh. Maybe, if you guys rush, you can also get 9 holes in before dark.
To the people who have baby Evelyn in their clutches, right now: You know in your hearts (if you have one), whether you'll admit it or not, how this family is suffering, and that this child is going to suffer, as well. Is it all worth it so that you can have a baybeeee (whiiiine)? That you not only took that child and hid her and defied a custody order, but that you probably also feel justified in doing so, just reinforces my lack of respect for the majority of adopters. How lacking in compassion and caring can anyone be? How arrogant you are as to think that you are, in any way, superior to a child's natural family. How ugly you are in your smug, self-entitlement. Yet, you actually expect us to fall all over ourselves in sympathy for your infertility or other reasons for thinking that we owe you our precious children? What kind of people are you?
To the agency "A Child Wailing for Their Mothers...oops, I mean Waiting," and the affiliated attorneys and the school assistant superintendent and the school "counselor;" I hope this comes back and bites you all in the posterior. Your methods, while perhaps "legal" were certainly, egregiously and obviously unethical. I doubt that you have the moral fiber to be ashamed of yourselves, but what goes around, comes around. There are a lot of people who think you should be thoroughly investigated, and soon. This case vividly shows this horrible industry and its minions for what and who they really are.
I am totally ashamed to be living in a country where money and the arrogant ideas of a few, self-righteous proselytizers and the needs of a few over the rights of many can take precedence over simple compassion and fair play.
I am sick at heart and, honestly, quite furious. The court hearing for Stephanie Bennett to, hopefully, overturn surrender of parental rights to her daughter, Evelyn, that was held this morning in Akron, Ohio, did not go well. From what I am able to see, the total corruption of our national ethics and morals and sense of compassion, in our courts and in our laws, where the rights of mothers and families are concerned, has been accomplished by the eugenicists, adoption attorneys, social workers and the self-entitled adopters of this nation. Pat your sorry, pompous selves on the back because you won. Please take note, also, that I could give a rat's ass who I offend at this point.
A nice, average family, who didn't deserve this crap, has lost their little girl and that little girl has lost her chance at a natural and normal life in the bosom of her True and Natural family. Good going, you guys. Now, whose baby shall you snatch next or which mother shall you coerce and manipulate today? Work, work, work...*sigh. Maybe, if you guys rush, you can also get 9 holes in before dark.
To the people who have baby Evelyn in their clutches, right now: You know in your hearts (if you have one), whether you'll admit it or not, how this family is suffering, and that this child is going to suffer, as well. Is it all worth it so that you can have a baybeeee (whiiiine)? That you not only took that child and hid her and defied a custody order, but that you probably also feel justified in doing so, just reinforces my lack of respect for the majority of adopters. How lacking in compassion and caring can anyone be? How arrogant you are as to think that you are, in any way, superior to a child's natural family. How ugly you are in your smug, self-entitlement. Yet, you actually expect us to fall all over ourselves in sympathy for your infertility or other reasons for thinking that we owe you our precious children? What kind of people are you?
To the agency "A Child Wailing for Their Mothers...oops, I mean Waiting," and the affiliated attorneys and the school assistant superintendent and the school "counselor;" I hope this comes back and bites you all in the posterior. Your methods, while perhaps "legal" were certainly, egregiously and obviously unethical. I doubt that you have the moral fiber to be ashamed of yourselves, but what goes around, comes around. There are a lot of people who think you should be thoroughly investigated, and soon. This case vividly shows this horrible industry and its minions for what and who they really are.
I am totally ashamed to be living in a country where money and the arrogant ideas of a few, self-righteous proselytizers and the needs of a few over the rights of many can take precedence over simple compassion and fair play.
To the Bennett family; You are all in my heart and my prayers. I am so sorry that this happened to you. Please, hold on to hope and hold each other close. We are all hurting with you. We know how it feels.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Those Militant B****Moms
I wonder if our critics, those who think we are too outspoken ("strident") and militant, have ever really talked to any of us who are in this group of mothers who got mad as hell and decided not to take it anymore? They tout our anger as a fault ("bitter old birfmuggles") and dismiss our efforts and words as coming from a place of guilt. The idea of our anger as both righteous and a good tool if used correctly is also dismissed.
While I do acknowledge that guilt and shame were enforced upon mothers of adoption loss, a great many of us, who have reached this stage in our lives and our activism, have long since kicked that attitude to the curb. Guilty of what? Of being betrayed by our loved ones, victimized, used, denigrated, deprived of our precious infants and discarded? Hmmmm, well, bad old us. How dare we? And how dare we be angry that such was ever allowed? Naughty birfmuggle..naughty!
In talking to the many friends in the moms groups, I have also seen a lot of self-healing. We have accepted what we cannot change, but we will, by God, change the things we can. We are out to address an injustice, but we have also taken back our right to be respected and have some happiness in life. That's pretty healthy, if you ask me. I think that is called growth, maturity and having a just cause.
From the early Baby Scoop Era to more recent times, we have watched this society, the self-righteous and the eugenicists prey on women at the most vulnerable times in their lives. It's been a horror of the patriarchy and one that causes women to actually predate their own gender. Even NOW (the National Organization of Women), who, you would think would consider the right to raise one's own child even if a man is not present, a worthy cause, has turned their back on the mother of loss. This is due, I am sure, to the fact that there are a lot of adopters in the upper echelons of NOW. Our society is addicted, it seems to the legal lie of adoption.
We are fighting insulting and demeaning stereotypes, the greed, lies and selfishness of adopters (yes, that's what I said and it's the truth, uncomfortable though it may be for many), the greed, lies and arrogance of the industry and the eugenicists and, sadly, the misconceptions and expectations of our own adult children. We are expected to apologize to our children for something we didn't do (hold your breath for that one, Nancy Verrier) and always be on tap, even when they back off from contact.
We also have to listen to the ignorant pseudo-moralist/chauvinist who has to pop in, occasionally with the, "you didn't have to spread your legs" tripe. It matters not to this person that it has been found to be true, by reliable research, that 95% of people did not make it to marriage with their virginity intact. But we "wild women who got pregnant" are still designated as "less than" because, I suppose, we were fertile and birth control was unavailable. And remember, we got that way all by ourselves. At least I don't remember any of these critics ever mentioning the fact that there was a male partner involved.
So why am I militant? When you spend your life at the bottom of society's heap, judged by others using such a specious, biased scale of conduct..when you are seen as "unfit" and "loose" and "irresponsible" when you didn't do a damn thing but that which everyone else, including the sainted adopters, was doing...Well, you can get a bit tired of it all and ready to fight. When you have to see your adult reunited children, confused, frightened and in pain and know that it really didn't have to be this way but for the machinations of the arrogant, then your anger gets righteous. When you see people trying to silence you by treating you as unworthy of respect, when your own children judge you without really getting to know or understand the human being their mother is, when they relegate you to the back streets like a dirty secret or relegate you to the role of "distant relative" or "acquaintance," when adopters (the elite and more "fit," remember?) treat you like their worst nightmare come true and when the big machine that is adoption tries to mow you down and turn you under, then you come up fighting if you are any kind of a person at all.
I fought and won the battle against shame and guilt a long time ago. But my anger is righteous and empowering and appropriate, so I think I'll keep it. It doesn't rule my life and it doesn't keep me from loving, being loved, moments of joy, fun or appreciation of the good things in my life. But it does keep me focused on a terrible wrong that needs a powerful lot of righting.
"Neither society nor the (adopter) who holds the child in Her arms wants to confront the agony of the mother From whose arms that same child was taken." (Margaret McDonald Lawrence)
While I do acknowledge that guilt and shame were enforced upon mothers of adoption loss, a great many of us, who have reached this stage in our lives and our activism, have long since kicked that attitude to the curb. Guilty of what? Of being betrayed by our loved ones, victimized, used, denigrated, deprived of our precious infants and discarded? Hmmmm, well, bad old us. How dare we? And how dare we be angry that such was ever allowed? Naughty birfmuggle..naughty!
In talking to the many friends in the moms groups, I have also seen a lot of self-healing. We have accepted what we cannot change, but we will, by God, change the things we can. We are out to address an injustice, but we have also taken back our right to be respected and have some happiness in life. That's pretty healthy, if you ask me. I think that is called growth, maturity and having a just cause.
From the early Baby Scoop Era to more recent times, we have watched this society, the self-righteous and the eugenicists prey on women at the most vulnerable times in their lives. It's been a horror of the patriarchy and one that causes women to actually predate their own gender. Even NOW (the National Organization of Women), who, you would think would consider the right to raise one's own child even if a man is not present, a worthy cause, has turned their back on the mother of loss. This is due, I am sure, to the fact that there are a lot of adopters in the upper echelons of NOW. Our society is addicted, it seems to the legal lie of adoption.
We are fighting insulting and demeaning stereotypes, the greed, lies and selfishness of adopters (yes, that's what I said and it's the truth, uncomfortable though it may be for many), the greed, lies and arrogance of the industry and the eugenicists and, sadly, the misconceptions and expectations of our own adult children. We are expected to apologize to our children for something we didn't do (hold your breath for that one, Nancy Verrier) and always be on tap, even when they back off from contact.
We also have to listen to the ignorant pseudo-moralist/chauvinist who has to pop in, occasionally with the, "you didn't have to spread your legs" tripe. It matters not to this person that it has been found to be true, by reliable research, that 95% of people did not make it to marriage with their virginity intact. But we "wild women who got pregnant" are still designated as "less than" because, I suppose, we were fertile and birth control was unavailable. And remember, we got that way all by ourselves. At least I don't remember any of these critics ever mentioning the fact that there was a male partner involved.
So why am I militant? When you spend your life at the bottom of society's heap, judged by others using such a specious, biased scale of conduct..when you are seen as "unfit" and "loose" and "irresponsible" when you didn't do a damn thing but that which everyone else, including the sainted adopters, was doing...Well, you can get a bit tired of it all and ready to fight. When you have to see your adult reunited children, confused, frightened and in pain and know that it really didn't have to be this way but for the machinations of the arrogant, then your anger gets righteous. When you see people trying to silence you by treating you as unworthy of respect, when your own children judge you without really getting to know or understand the human being their mother is, when they relegate you to the back streets like a dirty secret or relegate you to the role of "distant relative" or "acquaintance," when adopters (the elite and more "fit," remember?) treat you like their worst nightmare come true and when the big machine that is adoption tries to mow you down and turn you under, then you come up fighting if you are any kind of a person at all.
I fought and won the battle against shame and guilt a long time ago. But my anger is righteous and empowering and appropriate, so I think I'll keep it. It doesn't rule my life and it doesn't keep me from loving, being loved, moments of joy, fun or appreciation of the good things in my life. But it does keep me focused on a terrible wrong that needs a powerful lot of righting.
"Neither society nor the (adopter) who holds the child in Her arms wants to confront the agony of the mother From whose arms that same child was taken." (Margaret McDonald Lawrence)
Monday, January 15, 2007
Clarification on a Clarification
This post is probably going to generate a few hard feelings with some of my sisters, if, in fact, my blog is important enough to be read by enough people to make any kind of discernible difference. It may be that it is of no consequence at all. I hope do that all who do read it will understand that this is my personal belief and opinion and that I am led by my conscience and concern for the best interests of the original family preservation/adoption reform(abolition) movement. I hold no hard feelings against those with whom I disagree, but I am of a strong conviction concerning this issue.
Not too long ago, there was an email circulated by several people that stated they were clarifying a misconception regarding the Allison Quets case. They said that there was a rumor that she had actually been in a surrogacy deal with the Needhams and had backed out. Well, maybe that kind of rumor has been going around. I never saw it but I sincerely believe them when they say that was not the truth of the matter.
HOWEVER, nothing was said to address the point of real truth from which this rumor probably originated. While there is no reason to believe that she was ever involved in such a surrogacy arrangement, it is still a fact that the ova used in the IVF procedure that resulted in the problematical pregnancy of Ms. Quets WERE NOT HER OWN EGGS! Nope...no surrogacy here...just embryo adoption. Why is this fact constantly ignored or downplayed or diverted, hmmmm? I see the hands of a very savvy attorney who knows PR and how to use people to the advantage of the case he is working. In denying "rumors of a surrogacy arrangement" the real issue of embryo adoption was cleverly avoided. I, for myself, don't like my concerns being dismissed in such a cavalier manner.
For those who think that this is not an important aspect of this issue and that the Quets case can open doors for us, I'd like to refer you to the appearance on national television by Ms. Quets. The interview was all about her...and she gloried in it. Nothing..I repeat..NOTHING was said about the prevalence of coercion, the frauds used by the adoption industry or the hideous laws in Florida. It was all about the attention and publicity and her personal angst. So far, I have seen nothing but sensationalism and a few decent newspaper articles coming out of Canada that did focus some part of the articles on the issues but more on the splashy aspects of her dramatic flight north of the border...an action that I suspect was well orchestrated with promises made, etc. JMO, on this one. Other than the fact that Canada was the country to which Quets "fled," this is really not about Canada. The US needs to choose its own causes.
One other thing I need to insert here for those who scan rather than read...NO the issue is NOT about IVF. IVF with the mother's own ova is a good thing as far as I can see. The real issue is donor eggs/embryo adoption/helpless embryo adoptees with no chance to ever know their heritage.
I'd like to beg my sister moms and others in the original family preservation movement to please reconsider who you want to use as a poster child. There are other, horrible cases of adoption industry coercion and fraud being fought right now, by people without the wherewithal to employ a clever legal eagle with connections. These are regular people like you and like me...not professionals with deep pockets who adopted the embryos of others...but people whose lack of connections, financial and otherwise, made them vulnerable grist for the adoption mills and who lost their own, genetic children. Quets cannot deny that the eggs were not her own...that is a matter of record and easily discovered. When that becomes general, public knowledge, and taken with the fact that we have taken a stand against embryo adoption as groups and individuals, this is going to come back and bite all of us in our collective butts. Yes, the fact that the eggs were not her own IS important, no matter how hungry we all are for a breakthrough, a hero and how much we want to see a big splash made for our cause.
Maybe the attorney representing Ms. Quets would like to take one of these really worthy cases on, say the Bennett case in Ohio, pro-bono? For some reason, I highly doubt that will happen. Meanwhile, I am watching the anti-adoption movement floundering in the waves created by one woman who decided she had a "right to a child," even if it meant using the eggs of another woman. This situation has diverted, divided and conquered and other objectives have gone begging. I advise us all to head for high ground and let her and her attorneys navigate these seas. Meanwhile, I am also resigning myself to being an iconoclast, once again. Luckily, in this one, I am not completely alone.
Good luck to the Bennetts and their supporters in Akron on Friday, the 19th. I will be there with you in spirit. To my other sisters and others in this valiant fight, I apologize if I have offended any of you, but my conscience is my own and I have to answer to it.
Not too long ago, there was an email circulated by several people that stated they were clarifying a misconception regarding the Allison Quets case. They said that there was a rumor that she had actually been in a surrogacy deal with the Needhams and had backed out. Well, maybe that kind of rumor has been going around. I never saw it but I sincerely believe them when they say that was not the truth of the matter.
HOWEVER, nothing was said to address the point of real truth from which this rumor probably originated. While there is no reason to believe that she was ever involved in such a surrogacy arrangement, it is still a fact that the ova used in the IVF procedure that resulted in the problematical pregnancy of Ms. Quets WERE NOT HER OWN EGGS! Nope...no surrogacy here...just embryo adoption. Why is this fact constantly ignored or downplayed or diverted, hmmmm? I see the hands of a very savvy attorney who knows PR and how to use people to the advantage of the case he is working. In denying "rumors of a surrogacy arrangement" the real issue of embryo adoption was cleverly avoided. I, for myself, don't like my concerns being dismissed in such a cavalier manner.
For those who think that this is not an important aspect of this issue and that the Quets case can open doors for us, I'd like to refer you to the appearance on national television by Ms. Quets. The interview was all about her...and she gloried in it. Nothing..I repeat..NOTHING was said about the prevalence of coercion, the frauds used by the adoption industry or the hideous laws in Florida. It was all about the attention and publicity and her personal angst. So far, I have seen nothing but sensationalism and a few decent newspaper articles coming out of Canada that did focus some part of the articles on the issues but more on the splashy aspects of her dramatic flight north of the border...an action that I suspect was well orchestrated with promises made, etc. JMO, on this one. Other than the fact that Canada was the country to which Quets "fled," this is really not about Canada. The US needs to choose its own causes.
One other thing I need to insert here for those who scan rather than read...NO the issue is NOT about IVF. IVF with the mother's own ova is a good thing as far as I can see. The real issue is donor eggs/embryo adoption/helpless embryo adoptees with no chance to ever know their heritage.
I'd like to beg my sister moms and others in the original family preservation movement to please reconsider who you want to use as a poster child. There are other, horrible cases of adoption industry coercion and fraud being fought right now, by people without the wherewithal to employ a clever legal eagle with connections. These are regular people like you and like me...not professionals with deep pockets who adopted the embryos of others...but people whose lack of connections, financial and otherwise, made them vulnerable grist for the adoption mills and who lost their own, genetic children. Quets cannot deny that the eggs were not her own...that is a matter of record and easily discovered. When that becomes general, public knowledge, and taken with the fact that we have taken a stand against embryo adoption as groups and individuals, this is going to come back and bite all of us in our collective butts. Yes, the fact that the eggs were not her own IS important, no matter how hungry we all are for a breakthrough, a hero and how much we want to see a big splash made for our cause.
Maybe the attorney representing Ms. Quets would like to take one of these really worthy cases on, say the Bennett case in Ohio, pro-bono? For some reason, I highly doubt that will happen. Meanwhile, I am watching the anti-adoption movement floundering in the waves created by one woman who decided she had a "right to a child," even if it meant using the eggs of another woman. This situation has diverted, divided and conquered and other objectives have gone begging. I advise us all to head for high ground and let her and her attorneys navigate these seas. Meanwhile, I am also resigning myself to being an iconoclast, once again. Luckily, in this one, I am not completely alone.
Good luck to the Bennetts and their supporters in Akron on Friday, the 19th. I will be there with you in spirit. To my other sisters and others in this valiant fight, I apologize if I have offended any of you, but my conscience is my own and I have to answer to it.
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