About That Pregnant Teen....

Now that I have come to the defense of the pregnant teen, I find it necessary to make some distinctions and give some, probably unwanted, advice.

I do not advocate teens having deliberate pregnancies. With those of us from the BSE, stuff happened. The reason stuff happened is that we were woefully undereducated about sex and reproduction and had no access to birth control or safe, legal pregnancy termination. There sure were no morning after pills to be had. That is something the younger generation seems to find unbelievable but it is true. Teens and unmarried women were denied birth control in those days. And, for me, the pill was a couple of years away. All we had were condoms and those were often unreliable and overlooked because young men had problems going into the corner drugstore for a pack of Trojans.

Today's teens are a lot more savvy about sex and much more sophisticated than I was. But they are just as impressionable and impulsive. That hasn't changed. Along come the anti-choice contingient with their horror-story pamphlets and strident chants, add into the mix the inane and unworkable "abstinence only" propaganda, and you have a fertile field for harvesting good, little, adoptable fundies.

Education about the workings of the reproductive systems and how to acquire and use effective birth control seem to be missing from the equation. Some people seem to think that giving this information to our children will encourage them to have premarital sex and we don't want to think our little Suzie or Johnny is allowing anyone to sully their pure little bodies. But think back. Post-puberty is a powerful time in our lives and the hormones flow in rivers through our systems. That can interfere with good decisions and merits protection from lapses in judgment. And a teen CAN be in love, feeling a love just as real to them as it is to those of us in more mature relationships.

I wonder if anyone has connected the reported rise in teen pregnancies to the abstinence-only and anti-choice movements that overwhelmed us in the prior administration? There seems to be a connection to me. And the scary thing is that many of these girls are getting pregnant on purpose and for all the wrong reasons.

To our teens. Yes, have your children while you are young, healthy and energetic. But the optimum age span for really viable pregnancies is ages 18 - 29, NOT 12 and up. If you are going to be sexually active, then use protection against disease, go to the local Department of Public Health and obtain effective birth control and you will be exercising informed choices. And try to exercise good judgment in your partner.

Parents, give your teens this information. It's not automatic permission to have sex, but if they do, then they are protected. And, if it does happen despite it all, and your teen daughter is pregnant and wishes to bear her baby, support her, welcome your grandchild, and make sure the father of that baby takes his responsibility. You are her best resource, comfort and guide. Think love and compassion rather than politics and dogma. Don't jump on the adoption bandwagon. Talk to some adult adoptees in private, where they can speak freely and then think about your grandchild.

Give your child the support we didn't receive and you won't be sorry.

YESSSSSSS!!!!

I love it when a truth is validated by expert scientific research. A study published by the University of St. Andrews and Edinburgh University in Scotland found that women have lost 90 percent of their eggs by the time they are 30 years old, and only have about 3 percent remaining by the time they are 40. Dr. Marie Savard, on Good Morning America, said that when planning to have a child, "The sooner the better."

The research, also reported in this article is the latest to warn women that they must not leave having children on the shelf until it is too late to conceive. This is one more report, verifying that the primary cause of infertility is delayed attempts to conceive. After untold decades of hearing the teen mother villified, this is another plus for those of us that bore children while young.

We women are born with all the eggs we will ever have. According to the study, this number varies but, the loss of viable ova is faster than even first thought. Add to the age factor STD's, obesity, smoking, drug use and other questionable lifestyle choices and the saga of infertility expands.

I can't help but feel a bit vindicated. Too often, we are told that our tragedy was our own fault because we "couldn't keep our panties on." Perhaps our bodies were telling us that it was time to produce children. How can anyone call young women past puberty and well into their teens "Babies?" I have heard the scornful phrase, "Babies having babies," until I want to heave. Our bodies mature at the rate Nature has initiated. We human have the arrogance to think we can control and engineer Nature. Nah, I don't think so.

A whole new industry, infertility research, has sprung up as women have tried to "have it all" and wait until they are over 30 to start families. The adoption industry has had demand begin to increase again as liberated women hear the alarm going off on their biological clock. And, once again the cry is heard through the land, "Alas and woe! Teen pregnancy is a problem!"

If, instead of treating a teen's pregnancy as a horrible problem, instead of insisting she is a child when she obviously isn't, why not help those young women? They live in a society that keeps our young people in childhood longer than is natural. Let's help them grow up rather than chastizing them for something that is totally natural.

I was 15 when I became pregnant for the first time....16 when I delivered my daughter. Yes, I was scared and knew I would be given no options, but I can also remember when I felt that first faint flutter in my womb. I became a Mother at that moment.  I did all the things that older mothers do when I delivered. I counted fingers and toes, did a strip-check to make sure all was well with my infant and felt my breasts grow heavy with milk that would never be suckled. And I mourned when they were taken from me.

Now, I am not advocating that teenagers rush out and get pregnant. There is still a lot to be said for thoughtful preparation. But, if today's couples want children, they should have them from the get-go. I know quite a few women who went to college while married and having babies. I know career women with children who do quite well. It can be done. Who knows how far the demand for adoptable infants would fall if women followed the rules of nature rather than the constructs of humans?

So lay off the teen moms. Give them a chance and a little bit of support and quit coveting their babies. Stop with the raids on the children of other cultures, accept what nature has decreed and live with your choices just was we were told we would have to live with ours (except for the fact that we were given no choices).

And, as I have said before, infertility does not entitle anyone to a child.

(Thanks to Musing Mother for bringing this to my attention.)

Time's A' Wastin'

I know that most of my contemporaries hate to be defined by their age and that is understandable. However, to deny the fact that we are aging is not the healthiest way to fly, either. Life happens.

The mothers of the Baby Scoop Era are, like me, grandmothers and even great-grandmothers. Many of us are dealing with health issues and the realization that we can't keep up with our old schedules. We have learned the way of the nap and stopping to smell the roses.

My husband turned 70 in November. I will be 65 in July. We are planning a move to our retirement home but struggling to sell our current house. We both know it will be the last move we make. We are making sure this is what we both want because it will be our home for the rest of our lives.

Some of us are fortunate to have husbands and children, raised and reunited, with whom we can share this part of our lives. There are others who are aging alone and reach out to friends to find support in the issues unique to this situation.

Recently, on an Internet group for BSE mothers, we discussed the 14th amendment to the constitution. To summarize, this amendment, adopted in 1868,  protects rights against state infringements, defines citizenship, prohibits states from interfering with privileges and immunities, requires due process and equal protection, punishes states for denying vote, and disqualifies Confederate officials and debts. Coming at the end of the American Civil War, it was the first anti-discrimination amendment to include African Americans. But, women did not come under this umbrella of protected rights until the early part of the 20th century. I sometimes wonder if we ever really made it to that position, even today.

Were our rights not protected? Did we, when being coerced into surrender of our infants, have the advantage of due process and equal protection? NO. We were an odd,  oppressed minority. Middle class and Caucasion, for the most part, we were  disenfranchised due to marital status and/or age and/or financial considerations. Our infants were harvested like ripe wheat and that harvesting was done with arrogant impunity.

If we are ever going to make a case for the crimes against us that took place in that most hypocritical of times, it is now. We are not getting any younger and our time is being used up dealing with the chores and issues of aging. The industry counted on our silence and, for many years, they got it. The question is, do we continue to sit in the closet or do we make ourselves and our cause known?

Because our civil rights were violated, the rights of our children to see their own, true birth certificates is denied them. Information that should be free and open to BOTH mothers and adult children is kept under lock and key by some group of bureaucrats who either enjoy the power or want to cover their culpable asses or both.

Many groups of people who have been the target of discrimination have had the injustices of their pasts addressed and received official apologies. The issues have seen the light of day and society has the opportunity to correct them and not to repeat them. Why can't we get the same consideration? No, an official apology won't make it all better, but the attention to the truth, the airing of the dirty laundry can have an effect on such practices in the present day. And we will know that someone heard us.

But we are not getting any younger (Darn It) and time's a'wasting.

On The Glide Path

Those turbo-prop engines have a unique sound, not at all like the commercial jet liners that usually land at Sanford/Orlando International. Living in a house built right on the main glide path, we have become familiar with the different sounds and know how a troop transport plane sounds.

Governor Charlie (who?) Crist was on hand, in our small hamlet, yesterday to greet returning Americans who were in Haiti, a few rescued families and about 30 "orphans" to be delivered to the waiting adoption faciltators. A friend who works at SOI said the kids looked "bewildered and scared." I don't blame them.

My neighbor is still in Miami. His attorney is having to jump through numerous hoops to help Jean gain permanent custody of his nephews or, permanent enough for him to bring them home and get them settled. Meanwhile, the adoption pipeline is being greased by bureaucratic lard in order to get the goods to the buyers. It seems that adopters have more rights than blood relatives. Jeez..we already knew that, didn't we?

There have been a few of those planes coming in over our roof since the catastrophe in Haiti. I do know that several missionaries have been evacuated to this particular area. Ah, yes...not only are some Haitian children going to be immersed in our "superior" culture, but the Haitian people get the privilege of being bombarded by our "superior" religions. Well, according to Whacko Robertson, they DID make that pact with Satan...or was it Santa? Only the King of the Fundies knows.

Meanwhile, a women's health organization, that would offer safe delivery of their babies for thousands of pregnant, Haitian women, is the target of the American Life League. They say it is "all about abortion." This is covered in more detail in Bastardette's latest post. Hell, even the Scientologists are trying to reap a few sheaves among the devastated and frightened islanders. It seems John Travolta sent a pack of Scientology "ministers" to bedevil the already overburdened folk of Haiti.

Haiti needs food, clean water, shelter, blankets, medical care and funds with which to operate a clean-up. They DON'T need it served up with a side of religion du jour. And they also need a concentrated effort by everyone to find the living relatives of children affected by this disaster, even if that means searching the globe to find them.

I am beginning to feel deeper and more intense disgust at evangelizing and baby-marketing disguised as "help and rescue." They have a difficult course facing them in Haiti. They have their own corrupt individuals who would steal supplies for profit. Help should be offered without any attached agendas. They are begging for the bare essentials.

Those essentials don't include Americanization, Adoption and Evangelizing.

Heeere We Go, Again/ Orphan Bonanza

My next-door neighbor left for Miami, yesterday. Jean is from Haiti and has learned that his brother and sister-in-law were killed in the earthquake. He has inforrmation from a friend that his two nephews, Alaine and David, survived and he wants to make sure they don't wind up in the adoption pot or foster care. The boys have no living relatives in Haiti, but do have Jean and his wife, here in FL and another uncle and aunt in Paris.

It is only normal that relatives should be the first to be consulted when children are left without their parents due to a tragedy. But the American way is to favor genetic strangers who have passed some agency's home studies over members of the surviving family. What is wrong with this picture? For a culture that exhalts the idea of the nuclear family, there seems to be little regard for family ties in the US.

Jean's nephews, if he is able to locate and intercept them, are among the lucky ones who will, at least, be with their relatives and will be exposed to their own culture. Many more are being looked at with greedy eyes, by those who  are ready to airlift as many as will fit on a jet liner and place them in the adoption system. They may have living relatives still in Haiti, or in the US or elsewhere in the world, but there will probably be little to no effort to find them and give them the opportunity to take in their young kinfolk. The little ones will be picked out like ripe berries by salivating PAPs.

I learned something new, this week, by reading the daily Bastardette. In a repeat of the 1960's "operation Pedro Pan," there are plans afoot to airlift Haitian children to south Florida. Pat Robertson had his usual inane and insane remarks* to make and it seemed to prompt this response in the Miami Herald. Bastardette did a lot of research and came up with some information about this operation that would make any thinking person cringe.

The original "Pedro Pan" operation airlifted children out of Cuba. Mel Martinez, retired Florida politician is a Pedro Pan adoptee. Now there are some questions about whether or not "Pierre Pan" will procede as a full-blown operation or not, but it's a situation worth watching. Bastardette is keeping apace of this situation as it unfolds and it is fascinating reading.

If I had a message for those PAP's who see the tragedy in Haiti as a source of adoptable orphans, it would be that anyone with family living is NOT an orphan. Jean is making the trek, downstate, and contacting immigration and goverment agencies to make sure they know this. CUSTODY BY KIN SHOULD ALWAYS BE THE FIRST RESORT. Did I say that loud enough?

I really wish that some of these PAPs could have honest conversations with adult international adoptees who were taken from their homes and cultures and adopted by arrogant Americans who are so sure our culture is superior to any other.

I don't think they would like what they hear.


(*According to Robertson, the earthquake is the result of Haiti's "pact with Satan." tee hee, chortle and LOL)

Mother Knows Best?

 Have you ever noticed that the people with the most knowledge about child-rearing are those who never had a child of their own? I had a maiden aunt and a childless aunt who always were telling my mother what to do about me and my sisters. While raising my two kept children,, my ex-husband's maiden aunt was the reigning expert. It gives meaning to the old insult/adage; "Those that can, do. Those that can't, teach."

While that statement is a bit broad and shouldn't be regarded as true in every situation, it is applicable for many  of us. I notice that those of us who have raised children and those who haven't also have different approaches to reunion.

I had someone object to my previous post where I explained that reunion doesn't fix the damage done to us. That doesn't mean that I think reunion is useless or shouldn't happen. It just means that only an adult human being can "fix" themselves. Looking to a relationship with lost and reunited mothers and children to resolve our issues is unfair on both ends. These relationships have to be built and the blood bond is only the foundation.  I, personally, am glad to learn what happened, even the bad parts, to my children. Living in a fog of conjecture and assumptions planted by the social workers who "counseled" me (many of them, single and childless) was singularly unhealthy. I just don't put all my emotional eggs in the reunion basket.

And for those mothers who were "guided" to surrender by the good sisters of Catholic Charities, have you ever wondered where they got THEIR expertise? I doubt that a group of professional virgins who never walked in our shoes could even begin to understand our experiences and situations. 

I have to stand by my statement, that we have a right to be happy and should never place the responsibility for our happiness on the shoulders of our reunited children or mothers. I don't do that with my raised children, for Pete's sake.

When I was in the giddy first throes of falling in love with my current and forever husband, I had a friend tell me something that applies to this, as well. She said, "Robin, if you were going to embroider a beautiful pillowcase as a wedding gift for someone special, you would choose the pillowcase  made of the finest material possible. You are that pillowcase, beautiful on your own. D******  is the embroidery that adds to the beauty. He does not make you beautiful."

Relationships that place the burden of one's emotional well-being on the acceptance or affection of the other is a co-dependency and unhealthy. If we lean into each other, when one steps back, the other falls. Better to stand upright and hold out your hand to the other. Reunion is rife with the co-dependency landmines, laid there by our own expectations. I know, because I stepped on a few of my own.

So, by all means, pursue a reunion.  In and of themselves, they are a good thing. Just keep a firm rein on your expectations and, if you have raised children, use your instincts.

No Happily Ever After

When we read a fairy tale or watch movies with upbeat endings, it is easy to pretend that life is really
like that. Of course, those of us who have lived more than a few decades know that sometimes IT
doesn't turn out OK, but, if we work at it, WE will be OK. Nothing guarantees anyone a happily ever after. We can only work at attaining peace of mind.

Yet, when we tell our stories to others, we often hear, "Well, you did get to reunite and everything is better, now." I do believe that many of the people who say that actually  believe it. It's very difficult for them to understand the impact that separation of mother from infant had on us all. They honestly believe that reunion fixes it all.

We mothers get a lot of "you did the right thing," or, "you didn't have to raise your skirt!" We're either heroines or whores. Adoptees get called ungrateful and greedy. Here we are, two generations, seniors and middle-aged people, and very few seem to understand what we are saying. Or, they just don't want to think that a tearful reunion doesn't fix it and wrap it all up with a big, red bow.

It is even more important that we keep talking thrugh the misconceptions. We are the ones keeping the light burning in the lighthouse that could guide society to learn the truth about the era of secrets and lies and filling the demands of a market for human infants. If we don't learn from and address our sorry past when it comes to the social experiement of adoption, we are, indeed, doomed to repeat and repeat and repeat it.

American writer David McCullough once said, "“History is a guide to navigation in perilous times. History is who we are and why we are the way we are.” Examining the errors of our past helps us learn what we need to do to change the present and save many mothers and children from suffering the same fate. Natural family preservation only makes sense if we know WHY we need to guard this most basic of human bonds. As long as adoption separation is seen as a happily ever after scenario, with reunion as some kind of reward for the mangling of our family ties, there will never be real, effective reform.

People just love their happy endings. Too bad that this story doesn't have one.

A Reeeeaaaally White Christmas

Well, here it is,  almost 4:00AM, and I am looking out our motel window at snow falling softly on top of the two-plus feet already here in the West Virginia mountains, from the weekend blizzard. The manager at Carnifex Ferry Cabins is working to get the power back on and a driveway plowed to our Christmas cabin. We are at a lovely place in Beckley waiting for his call to tell us the cabin is ready. Ah, the best laid plans, etc., etc.

Actually, we are quite comfortable and enjoying this place very much. Our only real problem, so far, is persuading our Florida dog that it is OK to go poopies out in that cold, white stuff. He does look awfully cute on his plaid fleece coat, but refuses to wear the little leather boots. However, between potty battles, there are cookies, egg nog, cocoa and carols at the fireplace in the lobby. There is a 12-foot tree, decorated to the nines, in the center of the lobby/lounge and we're not complaining.

This is our unexpected adventure....plans sidelined by something natural, something awe-inspiring, something scary and beautiful at the same time. It made me wish that my unexpected adventure, becoming pregnant at 16, could have been viewed in the same light....as something natural and, while frightening and problematic, something miraculous and lovely. A new life, a new family member, the result of the most natural urges all life feels, should not be viewed as a crisis of disasterous proportions. What is wrong with this society that we would view unmarried pregnancy with such abhorrence?

It's even more ironic that I am pondering this question during a time when the Christian world chooses to celebrate the purported birth of a baby boy to an unmarried, 13-year-old girl. Yes, I understand that the baby boy in question is believed by many to be the Son of God and a holy miracle. But any time I look into the face of any newborn baby, I see a sacred miracle. And any woman who has ever felt that fierce, brilliant, frightening response to the first movement felt in her womb, the first sight of the child of her body to nourish and protect has participated in something that is worthy of carols, gold and celebration.

The story of that baby boy of Mary's goes on to tell of his later years, when he exhorted us to love one another, to care for the poor, the weak and the needy. I seem to remember a passage in Matthew, 25:40, where he is quoted as saying, "....in as much as ye have done it unto the least of these, my brethren, ye have done it unto me." The "it" he spoke of was simple kindness and charity. Now, call me crazy, but I'll bet there are quite a few mothers who will agree with me that kindness and charity were definitely not a part of the reaction to their unexpected miracles. The same churches that celebrate Mary's miracle, denounce ours and promote the idea of our children being raised by those they consider more "fit."

All it would have taken  would have been simple kindness, a helping hand and a family that could celebrate the arrival of an innocent child into their midst rather than react with shame and censure. Yeah, yeah..I know that was the way society was (and, unfortunately, still is with some groups and individuals) but that fact doesn't make the Era of Mass Surrender right or just. I remember thinking, when pregnant with my oldest and getting ready for a sad holiday, that all were saying to me, "We're going to take your baby...Merry f****** Christmas." And whenever I hear an adopter refer to the child they obtained as a "gift" from the natural mother, I cringe.

Humanity has yet to be able to produce any thing as awesome as a snow-storm. Such a thing is beyond the power of mere men.  In the same vein, they can issue decrees and sign writs and make laws until it snows in Florida, but only Nature can make a mother.

Now, I intend to ignore the hateful responses I am bound to receive from adopters and grateful adoptees, etc., and take my dog for a walk in the snow. He has to let nature take its course, sooner or later.

Being There

I remember tearfully signing the surrender document that took away my parental rights and responsibilities to my daughter, a week after her birth. I don't remember signing those papers after delivering my son, at all, but he was still taken.


Something that I DO remember, very clearly, in both cases, was giving information for the original (TRUE) birth certificates for both children. At the time of the inception of those documents, I was the only true, legal parent of each child. All the documentation of all the medical care that each of us received up to the time of legal surrender was legally mine. If the law is read, correctly, it all should still legally be mine and unavailable to anyone, including adopters, but my children and me.

In that same vein, the original birth certificate should be accessable to only me and each adult child. If any other legal, public record were to  be altered in the way the OBC's were, it would be a capitol offense and punishable by imprisonment. Yet, though the majority of us knew the father of our child, they insisted on writing "unknown" in that slot. Then, they locked these precious documents away and substitued a legal lie, and a physical impossibility and that was used to identify our children from that point forward,

This makes the demand that mothers be included in the numbers of those who receive copies of identifying information all the more righteous. We were there! Many of us did name the fathers. Many of us did name our children. Many of us believed the stories told us of perfect, wise and wonderful adopters who would gladly help our children find us when they came of age. Many of us were sucked into the legalized lie of adoption, much to our painful regret.

We have more than a desire to be included in the numbers of those who receive indentifying information. We have a right..a right based on the fact that many of these documents, especially the OBC and medical records, were generated while we were still the legally recognized parents of our children. WE have a right to this information.....NOT the adopters. And our medical and psychological histories belong to us, kept private under the auspices of the HIPAA requirements and ours to share with our adult children as we choose.

I really admire the courage, the chutzpah and the irreverent humor of Bastard Nation. I have written many a letter to members of congress and newspaper editors, stating, in no uncertain terms, that we neither sought nor were promised anonymity from our own children. The only reason many of us are not standing with linked arms, beside BN in their fight is simple. We want in. We want what was taken from us just as every adoptee wants what was taken from them. Years of separation have made our reunion awkward. Years of lies have made our children see us as what we aren't and instilled painful resentment in so many of our children,


The only cure for this adoption disease is a heavy dose of the truth. Until the truth is openly available to adoptees and mothers, and until the enormity of that truth is realized, it will be business as usual for those who traffic in human flesh to fill the demand of the self-entitled and the arrogant. Sad but true, the fact is that only about 2% of women giving birth truly do not want their child and I know that is not enough baby-flesh to fill the demand. Tough. I don't remember any of us being presented with a gold-edged certificate of guarantee, when we were born, entitleing us to bear children when we became adults. Stuff happens, People.

The truth, overt, brightly lit,unmistakable and there for all to see, is the only way  that we can return to a child-centered way of caring for the ones who truly need the help. But we need to be included, or only one half of the truth will be told. And remember...we Mothers were there.

Feeding the Beast

It's all over the 'net. The Evan B. Donaldson Institute (for the further glorification of adoption) has released a new study here.  It has even inspired ABC to go on the hunt for adopted people who feel they have experienced discrimination in order to craft more TV news. Here's the summary.

BEYOND CULTURE CAMP: PROMOTING HEALTHY IDENTITY FORMATION IN ADOPTION
Authors: Hollee McGinnis, Susan Livingston Smith, Dr. Scott D. Ryan, and Dr. Jeanne A. Howard
Published: 2009 November. New York NY: Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute
Document Type: Research (112 pages)

This study, released in November, is the broadest, most extensive examination of adult adoptive identity to date, based on input from the primary experts on the subject: adults who were adopted as children.

The principal recommendations of the 112 page study include:


Expand parental preparation and post-placement support for those adopting across race and culture. Such preparation should include educating parents about the salience of race across the developmental course, instruction about racial identity development and the tasks inherent in such development, and assistance in understanding racial discrimination and how best to arm their children to combat the prejudice and stereotypes they will face. Preparation also should include the understanding that seeking services and supports is a positive part of parenting - i.e., it is a sign of strength, not failure.


Develop empirically based practices and resources to prepare transracially and transculturally adopted youth to cope with racial bias. This study, as well as previous research, indicates that perceived discrimination is linked with greater psychological distress, lower self-esteem, and more discomfort with one's race/ethnicity. Hence, it is essential to arm transracially adopted youth with ways to cope with discrimination in a manner that does not negatively impact their identity.


Promote laws, policies and practices that facilitate access to information for adopted individuals. For adopted individuals, gaining information about their origins is not just a matter of curiosity, but a matter of gaining the raw materials needed to fill in the missing pieces in their lives and derive an integrated sense of self. Both adoption professionals and the larger society need to recognize this basic human need and right, and to facilitate access to needed information for adopted individuals.


Educate parents, teacher, practitioners, the media and others about the realities of adoption to erase stigmas and stereotypes, minimize adoption-related discrimination, and provide children with more opportunities for positive development. Generations of secrecy, shame and stereotypes about adoption (and those it affects) have taken a toll, as the respondents in this research make clear. Just as discrimination based on color, gender, sexual orientation and religion - all components of people's identity - are broadly considered to be socially unacceptable, adoption-related discrimination also should be unacceptable. Professionals and parents also need to be better informed about the importance of providing diversity and appropriate role models.


Increase research on the risk and protective factors that shape the adjustment of adoptees, especially those adopted transracially/culturally in the U.S. or abroad. More longitudinal research that combines quantitative and qualitative methods is needed to better understand the process through which children, teens and young adults progress in confronting transracial adoption identity issues. Additional research is also needed on the identity journey experienced by in-race adoptees - and, pointedly, more of the studies of every kind need to include the perspective of adopted individuals themselves.
 
We must remember the last study, purportedly for the benefit of mothers, that came from that organization. Here and in the Barfmuggle study, EBDI admits that adoption is badly broken, causes trauma to both the mother and the adopted person and then goes on, blithely, to tell adopters, social workers and agencies how to "fix" things so that they can carry on with business as usual. It reminds me of Nancy Verrier's "The Primal Wound." Verrier, an adopter, rightly points out the pain that separation of infant from mother causes, yet still endorses adoption, thinks that adopter knowledge will fix the problems and then goes on to lay all the blame at the feet of the mothers. I see red every time I think about her urging mothers, especially those of us who were coerced through the system during the Era of Mass Surrender, to "apologize" to our adult children.
 
I have told my children that I am very sorry their family of origin did not give me the support I needed to make an unpressured decision to keep them, that I am sorry I was young and kept ignorant of the resources available to me and that I am sorry my constant prayers for their well being weren't enough to deter the damage done. But I WILL NOT apologize for something that was forced on me, against my will and desires and needs as a mother. "Nuff said about THAT one.
 
I have some advice for the EBDI and the industry who persist in thinking they can fix a totally wrecked train. Why not put your efforts and resources towards making sure that pertinent records, past and present, are made available to adoptees AND mothers and do what can be done to keep mother and child together? What a concept, huh?
 
Nah....I didn't think you would go for it. Ka-ching, ka-ching.

Questions, Mysteries, Quandries and Enigmas

We fight for recognition of the coerced surrenders of the BSE. We fight for opening the records from this time of secret closed adoptions. And while we all fight, wrangle, debate and seek our goals, reunions keep happening, searches continue and mothers and adult adoptees meet. While SMAAC is not about reunion or even adoption, but surrender, reunion has been a catalyst for the need to know, correct and resolve.

A mother in Canada asked, "But what are we supposed to mean to each other? In so many cases, parties meet and that's it. How can that be? How can healing take place? Has too much damage been done? How do we fit into each other's lives?" What many think will be the end of the quest and the answers to the questions is often just the beginning of a deeper search. My daughter once said that she thought everything would come about in the right way once the circle was closed. Instead, we were greeted with a different set of problematical queries.

The phenomenon of reunion has become a springboard for a lot of different activist groups, but reunion, in and of itself, is still scary, new, uncharted territory. I have been in reunion with both of my adult, surrendered children for 16 years and we are still feeling our way. We do a strange dance, we mothers and our grown offspring and, often, it is a jitterbug and the dance floor is a minefield.

What should be as natural as breathing, the primal relationship between mother and child, is an awkward, painful attempt to put together a puzzle with broken pieces. The very abnormal nature of separation of the mother/child dyad and the attempt to craft the "as if born to" relationship has usually done so much damage to both ends that only years of work and communication can bring even a bit of peace to this scene. And, it seems more and more evident that the ones in power that could help us don't want to hear us.

It is obvious that agencies, social workers, adopters, fosterers and social engineers want to steer the ship of resolution and reform out of the sight of society. These people are content with the pretty myth that is adoption, American style. It suits their needs and purposes. To recognize the pain of the mothers and adoptees would be to admit to mistaken notions about the importance of the blood bond and the rights of small families to exist and be accepted by society. No one wants to admit that they were wrong and no one who adopts wants to think that they might be causing pain to another mother and the child they adopt.


But, we have, now, thousands of reunions and the stories of those reunions should be collected and read by everyone in the adoption industry and everyone contemplating adopting. The evidence is there. It is irrefutable that a social experiment has failed yet it is pushed by politicians, media and celebrities as the best thing since sliced bread.

Meanwhile, we live the experience, ask the hard questions and dance through the reunion mine field. I wonder if we will ever have the answers?

Sometimes, Life Gets In The Way

My DH and I are planning a Christmas getaway to this lovely cabin (with hot tub and working fireplace) in the mountains of West Virginia. We have placed a deposit, paid the pet fee and reserved a motel for the road trip up there. Then life got in the way.

My hubby has developed a serious condition with his spine...serious enough for his GP to send him to a neurosurgeon after viewing his MRI films. We see the neuro tomorrow AM. Meanwhile, hubby is on two Tylox (oxycodone) every 6 to 8 hours and is still in extreme pain. A chiropractor won't touch him. To say I am worried sick is an understatement. My oldest daughter is also unwell and needing attention.

My friend, Bastardette, has had a lot of health problems, lately, but has managed to keep her blog going. I feel guilty. I visited with another mother of adoption loss this past Friday out at the coast. In addition to reunion quandries, her health is not the best so her focus is diverted. Another friend, Musing Mother, has a hubby and  adult children with ongoing health issues. As we Moms and our adult children age, these problems become more frequent and sap our time and energies.

For all the nay-sayers who think that all we do is gripe about adoption loss, surrender, open records, laws, etc., 24/7, this should remind them that we do have other things going on in our lives. As senior citizens, and I think that at age 64 (me) and 70 (hubby), we qualify, these life issues tend to take center stage. We are doing the best we can, before we die, to get some kind of recognition of the massive crime against single mothers in the EMS (era of mass surrenders) and, hopefully, cause people to look at the way adoption surrender is affected in the here and now. But life is what it is, and arthritis, hypertension, and all the other garbage that comes with getting older seems to take over more and more of our lives.

Also with age comes loss. In this past year, I have lost my mother-in-law, my last remaining uncle and two friends. Another friend has just been diagnosed with end-stage colon cancer. Saying goodbye is hard work and emotionally draining.

We want to speak loudly enough to be heard, even if we are called strident. We want to keep the impetus going and the debate raging (not here on this blog because this is for US, not the other side), we want people to ask us about our Strange and Mournful ribbons, we want people to begin questioning the entire institution/industry that has caused us so much pain.

We want to do all that, but, sometimes, life gets in the way.

Motherhood Deleted: Time to Honor and Remember

Motherhood Deleted: Time to Honor and Remember

Time to Honor and Remember

Today is  National Strange and Mournful Day, an observance that began in response to the designation of November as National Adoption Awareness Month. We mothers wear our ribbons all month and tell anyone who asks what they mean.




I came up with the name because certain lyrics from Paul Simon's "Mother and Child Reunion" resonated, so deeply, with me. Today and all through the coming month, Mothers of adoption loss will be wearing our ribbon badges of black for mourning, red for anger and passion for our cause and white for hope and healing. Some of us will adorn our ribbons with the birthstones of our children that were taken for adoption. I have a diamond and a pearl for my ribbon....April and June are the months in which I gave birth to, and was forced to surrender, my two oldest children. I find it appropriate that it falls on a Sunday, this year.



While we refer to the lyrics of Simon's wonderful tune, this observance is not about reunion, but about the devastating effects of loss to adoption on the mother. I have high-lighted the pertinent lyrics in red and boldface.





MOTHER AND CHILD REUNION

music and lyrics by Paul Simon



No I would not give you false hope, On this strange and mournful day,

But the mother and child reu-nion, Is only a motion away,

Oh, little darling of mine, I can't for the life of me,


Remember a sadder day. I know they say let it be,


But it just don't work out that way. And the course of a lifetime runs,


Over and over again.



No I would not give you false hope,On this strange and mournful day,

But the mother and child reu-nion, Is only a motion away,

Oh, little darling of mine. I just cant believe it's so,


And though it seems strange to say, I've never been laid so low,


In such a mysterious way, And the course of a lifetime runs,


Over and over again.



But I would not give you false hope, On this strange and mournful day,

When the mother and child reu-nion,

Is only a motion away.



While most of the support groups online for Mothers of adoption loss tend to deal with the ups and downs of reunion (and God/dess knows, it is a rough ride), SMAAC is focused on the pain and injustice of our ordeal leading up to and including the "Strange and Mournful Day" when we realized our babies were lost to us.



So today and through the coming week, as we approach the last day of what we now call "Adoption BEwareness Month," we honor ourselves and remember the injustice of the EMS/BSE and renew our determination to be an active and vocal part of bringing justice to the mothers.



And to my daughter and my son that were lost to me in those dark days, always know that I loved you and losing you was not my choice or my wish. Some day, some how, some one is going to have to make restitution for what was lost to us. Not in dollars, but in acknowledgement, atonement and public awareness of the pain, the dark underbelly of the adoption myth.



Happy Strange and Mournful Day, Sisters. I'll be wearing my ribbon every time I leave the house until this heinous month is behind us.

Give 'Em The Old Razzle Dazzle

Every time I think of the way the adoption industry has manipulated the media, society and popular thought, I am reminded of Billy Flynn, the amoral attorney from the musical "Chicago."

 His big number epitomizes the kind of spin-doctoring that has kept the social engineers and baby traffickers in high cotton. These are the lyrics that bring to mind how warm and feel-good this institution has been made to appear, when, underneath it all, there is arrogance and the slaughter of natural families and a failed social experiment.

Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle dazzle them
Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it
and the reaction will be passionate

Give 'em the old hocus pocus
Bead and feather 'em
How can they see with sequins in their eyes?
What if your hinges all are rusting?
What if in fact... you're just disgusting?
Razzle dazzle them
And they'll never catch wise

Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle dazzle them
Give them a show that's so splendiferous
Row after row will grow vociferous

Give them the old flim-flam-flummox
Fool and fracture them
How can they hear the truth above the roar?
(Roar, roar, roar!)
Throw 'em a fake and a finagle
They'll never know you're just a bagel
Razzle dazzle them, and they'll beg ya for more

Give 'em the old double-whammy
Daze and dizzy 'em
Back since the days of ol' Methusala
Everyone loves the big bamboozala

Give 'em the old three-ring-circus
Stun and stagger them
When you're in trouble go into your dance
Though you are stiffer than a girder
They'll let you get away with murder
Razzle dazzle them and ya got a romance

Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle dazzle them
Show 'em the first-rate sorceror you are
As long as you keep 'em way off balance
How can they spot you've got no talents
Razzle dazzle them
(Razzle dazzle them)
Razzle dazzle them
And they'll make you a star

I will also quote an old friend of mine, now deceased who said, while referring to the press releases by the Big Oil Companies a while back, "They're serving up horse shit but it's on a pretty plate." Young women of today are taken in by this kind of fancy side-stepping and honestly believe a lot of the agency's or social worker's patter. Where surrender of a child is concerned, there is a lot of pixie dust being sprinkled around so that the reality doesn't hit right away. Then, when the daze passes and they look on the table, they see the horse shit on the pretty plate and the plate's not so pretty any more.

The sequins were washed out of many of our eyes long ago, and we mothers of the EMS try to tell the truth, but the Razzle-Dazzlers are still doing their dance and it's hard to be heard above the roar.

What Anti-Adoption Means

You know, it seems I even have to clarify "Clarity." When I said "wanting to parent" does not give someone the RIGHT to parent, I meant that all the way to the bank.

So many who adopt are under the illusion that the child they adopt would have no where else to go if they did not step in and give that child their name and identity. That, in and of itself, is a questionable "gift." That child already has a surname and a family identity and that is taken from him.

I can bet that when this mother with the "unwanted" (read "unexpected or unplanned") pregnancy reached out for help, no one suggested giving her a hand in dealing with her personal situation so that she could be there for her child. I will also bet that no one tried to see if there was a family member that could assume kinship guardianship until Mom got on her feet, nor did they suggest making Daddy financially responsible for his casual pleasures. No, not any agency who stands to gain profit nor a state agency who would get goodies for their state would dare to give this mother all her options, especially any that would allow her to keep and raise her child.

You can also bet your layette that this surrendering mother has the same skewed view of surrender for adoption as do too many of the rest of her contemporaries. They grew up with the myth and actually think that it is "heroic" to turn their child over to facilitators who will, in turn, give that child to genetic strangers. They do not have a clue as to the ultimate grief and dismay they will experience and the inner (and often well-concealed from their adopters) pain and confusion of the adoptee as they try to digest the fact that they are round pegs carrying the surname of and trying to fit into square holes.

I also bet that no one suggested legal guardianship of said child with no legal lies involved including altered birth certificates, loss of family history and name and the biggest lie of all on that certificate...the names of the adopters inserted to allow them to pretend this child was "as if born to." It is a real privilege to care for a child who needs someone but there is no right to be called "Mommy and Daddy" when it just isn't so.

I have called adoption a myth and a fairy-tale. I was wrong. Myths and fairy tales are things that are harmless and entertaining most of the time.

Adoption is an outright lie, harmful and painful.

Clarity...It's Refreshing

Some may have noticed that I do not publish hostile, argumentative or mean-spirited comments, but I do read them all. It amazes me how many people scan but do not read and how many will take, or omit, one section or sentence out of context of the entire message. I also do not publish comments from people who tell me I should watch out what I say, be careful about what I say (I already do both), or who ridicule good people.

To the infertile, potential adopter who responded to my post about taking responsibility for situations; you must have missed the sentence where I stressed that not all people are infertile due to their own activities. You and others like you, though, are in the minority with the leading causes of infertility still being delayed childbearing, STD's and other lifestyle choices. Check with the medical researchers. And, even though it is unfortunate, and I am sure, painful, that you are infertile through no fault of your own, that infertility still does not give you the right to "parent" someone elses' child. I stand by my original statement and post.

To the adoptee who had the recalcitrant mother who insisted that surrender was her idea and that she wanted no contact with her adult child; Dear, I am so sorry. She is either terrified, brainwashed, ignorant or a combination of all three. Yes, such mothers exist, but our experience shows them, again, to be in the minority. Having such a mother, as well, does not allow or excuse hostility towards all mothers of loss to surrender. I know many adopted adults, reunited, who "get it" and who don't like what was done to us. Please note, I said "many," not "all." Again, I stand by my statement and original post.

We who are speaking out against the adoption industry, the crimes against mothers during the EMS and who are trying to reach our younger sisters with the truth of our experience are not speaking for everyone across the board. There are a few of us who did drink the Kool Aid the industry forced on us and that is heart-breaking.

And there are a few potential adopters who were hit by lightening where their infertility is concerned and we feel bad for these people. BUT, pretending to be the mother and father of another woman's child really doesn't work. You are still infertile, even after you adopt, and you have the disadvantage of not naturally having that "die for my child" bond. Having friends who have adopted and also had children of their own, I know, from their own words, that there is a difference. While the drive to reproduce is a natural one, adoption is NOT reproduction.

If someone is born without legs, they may be fitted with prostheses, but they will never have legs. A child should never be used as a prosthesis or panacea to fill a personal need.

A child should never be used, period.

What You Learn From Walking The Dog

Rocky woke me up at 4:00AM with that little urgent whine that let me know a walk was forthcoming. I struggled into my clothes, found the leash and we set out. The front of our house faces the northeast and the lights of Orlando and all the communities around it are to our southwest. There was a beautiful patch of sky there, with the moon surrounded by high, wispy clouds and lots of bright stars.

The humidity was down to a dull roar for a change and the temp was in the low 70's with a slight breeze. I thought about how wonderful it was to have a view of the night sky without all the neon and halogen and other lights of the ticky-tacky, plastic tourist region south of us obscuring the clarity.

I thought, then, about the fairy-tale, saccharine dog-and-pony show that surrounds the efforts to increase infant adoption. It's hard for a young mother-to-be to see the clear and natural reality when it is obscured by the manufactured bright lights of adoption mythology. The industry, social workers and their cohorts wave the image of the heroic but inept mother who cares only for her child's welfare, said welfare being, according to these spin doctors, surrender for adoption. That "heroine" label and $1.00 will get you a Whopper Junior. It tastes good at first, but doesn't last. There are a lot of adopted adults who would argue the perceived, skewed rightness of surrender.

We don't have a powerful lobby that would intercede on behalf of natural family continuity. We don't have an eager market for our message as does the adoption industry. All we have it the natural truth and you have to look away from the hype and the hooplah in order to really see it and understand it. While the industry pitches its product like a manic Billy Mays, we are trying to calmly tell the truth.

Maybe people will get tired of the noise and the bright lights and start listening.

The Myth of the Triad

Probably the most misleading concept to be brought into the adoption arena is that of the so-called "Triad." No one has said it better than Bastardette did in this post to her blog back in 2007.

No matter how it is drawn, triad means triangle...three equal parts with equitable powers that make up a whole. Adoption "Triadinists" use the natural mother, the adopters and the adoptee to symbolize their concept of a triad.

I've said it before and I will say it again. There is no such thing as an adoption triad. First of all, and thank you for this sentence, BD, "surrender does not equal adoption!" I just love that truth. We did not surrender our children to adopters. We were backed up against the wall and had to wave the white flag for agencies, the state, lawyers, our parents and social workers. We were the source of supply, only, and our rights ended where the facilitators' began. How can we be considered an equal partner when we were stripped of all autonomy from the get-go? There is NOTHING equal about what happened to us or to our children who are still being denied, in many states and provinces, the simple right to their own, true identities.

If we held up a scale, and placed the powerful on one platform and the powerless on the other, we natural mothers and our children would be hanging on for dear life to keep from sliding off. If the industry ever gets honest, which I believe will happen when it snows two feet at the equator, the general populace will be appalled.

The triad is another myth, misleading as were the things that were said to us when we were being warehoused and stripped of our parental rights. It's just another industry trick like "open" adoption and post-birth "counseling." In my opinion, a social worker with an adoption agency counseling a mother who has surrendered is like a murderer counseling the loved ones of their victim. This is why there are so many groups for mothers to get together and for adoptees to share experiences with each other. We cannot get compassion, understanding or cooperation from anyone but our own.

That triad weighs a million tons and it is sitting on our backs. Getting out from under is a fight but we are a scrappy lot. Adoption is an INDUSTRY and big business and the bottom line and spin doctoring have no place when the life and future of a mother and her child are concerned. The self-entitled are the market and the facilitators are coming up with all manner of ways to fill the demand. They have to be more creative, these days, than they were in the EMS, but, they still manage to play that religion card, appealing to the puritanical and the rigid.

So, the Father, Son and Holy Ghost are a triad. Executive, Legislative and Judicial are a triad. Peace Love and Hope are a triad. But, there IS NO TRIAD IN ADOPTION.

Silver Linings and Rays of Sunshine

In these hard times and with the uphill battle so many of us are fighting, good news is always welcome. While we are pursuing recognition and redress for the mothers of the EMS, we are also normal people living our lives.

That's why is it so easy to delight in less "news-worthy" but very important good things. A friend, out of work for months, finally got a job. Home prices in our neighborhood rose a bit making our imminent retirement a tad easier and we have received two inquiries already. A friend's granddaughter decided against surrender and is going to keep and raise her expected little boy. A family member with liver failure finally received a transplant and is doing well. My sister-in-law is recovering well from her surgery for early-stage cervical cancer and another sister-in-law is making her way through the grief of the death of her son after three years and is taking a great deal of comfort from her faith. She has also adopted her late son's dog and the two of them have become very good friends. A little girl in my husband's family who was dealing with some hard times and parental neglect has been taken in by her aunt and is loving her new neighborhood and school and has made three new friends.

Those are the things of everyday living, but we tend to fail to appreciate them if we are too single-minded. We can also give the impression that all we are is the sum of our issues and debates online. That's why Internet communication can be misleading. People can seem so one-dimensional.

We mothers who lost our children to coerced surrender during the EMS are everywoman. We live lives that are very similar to everyone else's. Our lives are not constant bitterness and pain. We laugh, we celebrate when appropriate and we fight for justice when appropriate. We are in every walk of life from housewife to artist to secretary to teacher.

I think it is important to stress this so that those who oppose us know that they are not dealing with overgrown teens stuck in the past as has been charged. We were victims then. We are NOT victims today. Our very survival has made us strong. We won't back down from a fight. We have loving families that have our backs. We have adult reunited children who care enough to try to understand.

I would suggest that some of these folks who attack the EMS moms on Yahoo Answers and Craigslist not underestimate us. There is more to us than what you see on a message board.

This is just a FYI that is overdue.