Thursday, February 07, 2008

HOSTILITY

Every so often, I get my eyes really opened to the fact that our surrendered children were put through a massive mind-f***. It is most apparent on the groups where adopted people and moms post together. Those of us who haven't had to confront much hostility in our reunited children get a full dose of it on some of these groups.

We are not talking about very young reunitees with post-adolescent hormones and angst still a-blooming. We are talking about adults who have held on to the idea of the careless, abandoning mother or who is in a bad reunion and decides that all us moms are demons from the underworld, here on earth just to give them a hard time. It amazes me that, when confronted with documented history, personal stories and the examples of what really happened to the majority of us, they still bring out that old "you have to take responsibility for your part in the adoption" bit. We can thank the adopter, Nancy Verrier, author of "The Primal Wound," for that one. Just when it seemed that an adopter was going to support what we had known all along, she slips that "mothers should apologize" zinger in and we are off to the races again, us against adoptee infantile rage.

Sorry, my collective babies...NO CAN DO. If you are desiring of an abasing apology and a blood sacrifice, then try to hang your own mother on that cross (although, if she is smart, she is probably keeping her distance from you), but don't tar us all with the same brush, for two reasons. One is that it is neither right nor fair and the second is that we aren't going to allow it.

Since the Hostile adopted people in question are at the ages that shows their mothers were of the Baby Scoop Era when they were coerced into surrender, we will address just that time frame. It's something that adopted people and even younger mothers can't even begin to understand. That complete lack of autonomy, choice and self-determination is an alien concept and one that many don't want to accept. Why? Well, because that might mean that their adopters lied to them and society lied to them and they would much rather believe the lies than accept the truth because the truth comes from US, the mothers who lived it and there are not words horrible enough to describe it. They want to punish mommy and punish they will if they can find a way. Luckily, not all are of that mindset, but enough are to let me know that there were some major lies being told to vulnerable, adopted children by the people who were supposed to have their "best interests" at heart. Some of the most heinous, horrific lies were told during the BSE and adopters and social workers told them with impunity.

Things have changed so drastically in such a short time, that younger women, including some of our sister mothers, cannot conceive of such a situation, therefore, it suits them to believe that it wasn't so or isn't important in the allover scheme of things. That's a pity because addressing the BSE would be one of our strongest arguments against adoption. Opening our children's eyes to the truth would be a wonderful side benefit and maybe, just maybe, they could purge themselves of some of that hateful anger.

Why haven't these mature, adopted men and women in their 30's and 40's who think mommy should beg their forgiveness and take their attitudes with meek submission been taught simple courtesy and respect? These are people who need a lesson in compassion and old-fashioned manners. And heaven forbid you intimate that the ones who adopted them might have swayed their thinking against moms for their own benefit. Where do we all learn the most where our own behavior is concerned? That's Right!!! At HOME.

This is why I cannot begin to say enough about how the BSE and the young, now much older, mothers caught up in that heinous time needs to be addressed, and given redress in a public forum and adoption condemned for the nasty social experiement it was. It still is nasty, but they hide that nasty behind the pink bow of so-called "open" adoption and offer young women "scholarships" and then turn around and call us all crack-whores and unfit. SOMETHING has got to change and we old bats with the flabby arms and the holes in our hearts seem to be the ones who need to get on our ponies and ride into the fray.

It just makes me wonder, with some of the more hostile, angrier adopted people, what that is going to leave for them to use as a target. Here's an idea...how about the industry and those who fuel that industry with their demands for healthy infants and toddlers to "cure" their infertility? Stop shooting at the wrong targets, my children. We're survivors and, even if you draw blood, you're not going to get us kneeling in front of you and begging your pardon. Mea AIN'T culpa!

5 comments:

Suz said...

Robin, thank you for this post. I agree and see so much of this myself and find it so disheartening.

I have a good friend, a BSE adoptee in Ireland who recently told me the worst tragedy is when we become our own abandoners. This strucks me as something that happens often with many adoptees, BSE or not, that cannot get past the hurt, anger and reality of the situation and they stay stuck in that anger and as a result, abandon themselves.

Also wanted to comment, that I appreciate this statement

It's something that adopted people and even younger mothers can't even begin to understand. That complete lack of autonomy, choice and self-determination is an alien concept and one that many don't want to accept.

I am not BSE. I lost my daughter in 1986 after being sent away to maternity home and being threatened by the broker (Kurtz) who sold my child. Yet, I do feel I often have more in common with BSE as my experience mirrors their more than what you refer to as "younger mothers". I state this to say only that some of us younger mothers DO understand. Some of us are in the exact some position as BSE only often chided worse - even by our own sister mothers - "it was easier for you, what the hell was wrong with you, why didn't you do something different..you had it better than I did in 1970.."

Did I?

Anyway, good post.

Something that must be said.

Robin said...

Thanks, Suz. I do realize that there are those of you who came after who still had the same pressure, shaming and forceful degrading happen to you that happened to us. It was criminal in the BSE and after.

I will admit to being jealous of those who did have a "choice" of sorts although, I don't really think they actually had one...coercion is a science, now, more subtle and more insidious.

If it makes you feel any better, I have received the same kind of comments, even from those knowing that the way things were in the BSE precluded me having any autonomy..."what kind of mother would give up her own children." People still want to believe we had a choice.

I am so glad that there are some younger moms who do understand. Knowing that has made my day.

Anonymous said...

Robin,

Excellent post.
I for one am tired of these 40 something adoptee's treating mother's who are there day in and day out posting "trying" to make them understand what happened to us moms.

If after 20 years of a reunion you still are influenced by your adopters you need to just give your mom some peace. Do her a favor just leave! Who are you kidding that you are doing anything right except playing to your adopters. Sad, but at forty I at least had my own mind. Maybe not at 16 yrs old but 40 no way would someone be telling me anything.

Anyway, I think adoptee's need to listen and then make up their own minds leave the manipulating adopters out of the equation and you might have a chance. I wonder though if the damage is too deep..

Thanks again for the great post. I admire you and what you are doing.

sincerly,

yours truely

Anonymous said...

I have never understood how anyone could blame their mother for anything - especially women. I was born during the BSE and if the information I was given is correct, my mother went through hell with her own mother as her "escort".

God bless you for trying to change things for the better!

40 something adoptee

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this post. Frankly, I have had it up to my eye balls with the anger and hostility of many adult adoptees, my own son included. I have heard him say to me, more then once, "Why can't you just get over it", whenever I show any anger of my own concerning his adoption and the truth of how it actually was for us BSE mothers. I truly believe he thinks I am making it all up, that I am crazy and delusional and that he has a right to be angry at me. I have come to the conclusion that he needs that anger to continue to fuel his 'poor me' 'I am the victim' role that he plays so well. And of course the adoptors are still held in high esteem for their saintly, noble act of adopting him out of the goodness of their hearts. Yeah right, when pigs can fly.
I agree that adoptees need to redirect their anger to the system that allowed this to happen and continues to happen.
Thanks again for your continued courage and tenacity to educate and spread the truth, I admire you very much.
Sincerely,
Another BSE Mom