Sunday, October 01, 2006

Second-Class Citizen Moms

"this treatment mothers get,
where once adoption gets its hooks into you, you are fair game for one
and all, is so animal kingdom to me--all the other animals, even
family members, pile on in the most uncivilized way once you have
been cut out of the pack for this very special and awful abuse" -E.


The words above were written in a post to a private group by another OUSA Mother of Loss and it gave me a very visceral jolt. I have often thought that there were two groups of people against whom discrimination and derision were still allowed or considered "politically correct." One group is the population of obese Americans and the other would have to be the single Mother of adoption loss. It is sad to say it, but what my friend wrote is true. Once you become pregnant while single and/or have the bad taste to be financially strapped and/or have not completed your education, you get immediately placed on the list of possible prey animals (birfmudders). Once you have been lured into the adoption surrender trap, you are fair game for one and all, to use, dismiss and abuse.

Your family usually wants you to just shut up and act like it never happened, the adopters want you to go away and stay gone or, at least, stay in your place (casual "friend" or some kind of "auntie") and the general public either abhors you for being the kind of mother that would "give your child away" or puts you into the *crackwhore niche. Too often, our adult, surrendered children seethe with anger at us, not understanding the coercion and browbeating that many of us endured or the seductive nature of the appeal to our love for our unborn child and concern for that child's "best interests." We're damned every direction in which we turn. Oh yes, we might get the occasional "thank you," from adopters who think that we just gave them some kind of "gift," but even that has the unsaid sentence after it.."now just go away." I, personally, do not appreciate the specious "Thanks" that get thrown our way like some kind of alms for the poor and my children were NEVER "gifts" for strangers.

Believe me when I say that NO ONE tells you that your child might grow up to hate you for surrender. They tell us, instead, that they will hate us if we keep and raise them, that they will thank us for saving them from a life with nasty, old, unfit us. They don't tell us that we will suffer an ongoing grief that is outside the pale and that it never goes away. Our families develop some kind of mental block that keeps them from being able to support us in our grief and everyone treats us like we deserve this kind of treatment. For WHAT? Being sexual beings...loving not wisely but too well..falling for a line of bull from some guy...forgetting a birth control pill..surrendering to overwhelming forces??? Damn people, this is definitely a case of the punishment NOT fitting the NON-"crime."

*Back to the "crackwhore" persona..if any of us speak out and speak up, you can bet your last dollar that the drug-addicted, neglectful, abusive Mom will be trotted out and held up as a reason for the insanity of adoption to continue. We get defined by our lowest, common denominator. Not many people wants to acknowledge that this particular person is part of a miniscule minority among the Mothers who have LOST (I love saying that because it seems to irritate someone out there) children to adoption. Yet, you see very little about the abusive adopter (some even kill their adoption-acquired children) even though it happens quite often(see "adopter abuse" threads at msn group, Anti-AdoptionTruth). Nope...the adopter seems to escape the predator that wants to cut the M.O.L. out of the herd and pounce because the adopter is one of the predators.

They say that predators always go for the weakest member of the herd. In our case, they go for the disenfranchised, the titular "unfit", the deeply wounded woman who dared to be fertile, single and less than rich and famous. And if we fight back and stand up with pride and show our own claws, those predators become incensed to the point of outrage. It's funny, but once I did start standing up and fighting back, I found out that many of the animals that were preying on us were NOT lions, but hyenas who are vicious, ugly and who tend to be rather sneaky, unprincipled, unfair and basically, cowards.

My friend's wonderful comment has helped me realize that the predators and the guardians of the status quo are not going to fight fair. We are in for a bloody fight, I think...tooth and claw will be deployed and some will bear scars after the melee is over. But I also saw a nature film once, where a herd of animals stood back-to-back and fought off the predators to save the young among them. That will happen with us, I think. We are smarter than the average herd animals and we are sick and tired of being food for the adoption predators. They might as well show their talons now, because we are standing up, speaking out and fighting back.

5 comments:

Carol C. said...

My friend's wonderful comment has helped me realize that the predators and the guardians of the status quo are not going to fight fair. We are in for a bloody fight, I think...tooth and claw will be deployed

You know Robin, I'm realizing that you are absolutely correct. No matter how rationale, succinct, well thought out and intelligent our arguements are; these old guard defenders refuse to even consider that we are speaking the truth. Or that even if we are, it doesn't happen like that anymore. It's impossible to have a fair and unbiased debate because these people are totally invested in not wanting to believe that adoption is as horrific for the mothers of loss as it's proven to be.

I'm on several lists and if the adopters don't jump in to tell us that there are plenty of good adoption stories out there - then the adoptees and/or brainwashed, disempowered mothers try to dismiss our experiences as "not the norm".

I'm counting on the belief that eventually "truth wins out in the end", but it's hard to keep the faith sometimes when there is such total denial.

Cara said...

I've been reading mother blogs for a while, especially those that have adoption issues. I have a question--and I've no desire to attack, so please don't take it in that light. I'd really like to know how you and other anti-adoption parties feel:

Are parents who adopt their children out of foster care when the parents' rights have been terminated for abuse also "predators"? Is it really evil to prevent contact between an innocent child and those who have (or will) hurt her emotionally if there's contact?

I'd really like to know.

Robin said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Robin said...

Sorry...messed that last one up.

Cara, I'll just refer you to this paragraph from my post. I think you might have missed it.

"*Back to the "crackwhore" persona..if any of us speak out and speak up, you can bet your last dollar that the drug-addicted, neglectful, abusive Mom will be trotted out and held up as a reason for the insanity of adoption to continue. We get defined by our lowest, common denominator. Not many people wants to acknowledge that this particular person is part of a miniscule minority among the Mothers who have LOST (I love saying that because it seems to irritate someone out there) children to adoption. Yet, you see very little about the abusive adopter (some even kill their adoption-acquired children) even though it happens quite often(see "adopter abuse" threads at msn group, Anti-AdoptionTruth). Nope...the adopter seems to escape the predator that wants to cut the M.O.L. out of the herd and pounce because the adopter is one of the predators."

It's unfortunate that there are abusers on both ends of the equations..adopters and real parents. That doesn't mean that adoption is the answer for the problem. No, I don't think you are "evil," but neither do I think that adoption is necessary when legal guardianship would suffice.

Robin

adoptionroadkill said...

to cara, "poverty" is FREQUENTLY defined as abuse. if you don't have a job that can cover your rent and feednig your kids, if you are denied adequate goverment assistance, if the only alternative to living with an abusive spouse is living on the street, then you are "abusing your child." ACDF has been replaced by TANF and many parents are denied even this as there are limits to numbers allowed on the program in many states AND limits on how long you can receive it. Run out of money and can't get a job and you lose your child due to "neglect."

Look beyond the label of "child abuse" and you will OFTEN find that it is solely POVERTY. And poverty is a human rights abuse.

yes, most people who adopt from foster care ARE predators. and most social workers who poach children are just that: poachers.

if they really did care for those children, they would help the parents get on their feet and keep the child. they would help the mother financially so she could leave the abusive spouse. they would help her get medical care -- MANY CHILDREN ARE IN FOSTER CARE BECAUSE THEIR PARENTS ARE ILL AND CANNOT AFFORD TREATMENT!!!!!

did you know that family court is the only court where people are presumed guilty until proven innocent?