Saturday, December 06, 2008

Circle of Hope and Healing

"God/dess, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

I have stood in many a circle in Overeater's Anonymous and Alanon groups, reciting those words and hoping to be able to live up to them. I learned, a long time ago that I have little power over anything anyone else has ever or will ever say or do. The only thing I can change is me and what I do and how I respond to others. I also learned the grace of acceptance as being healing. I cannot undo what was done to me many years ago. What was, was and what is, is.

Where the courage comes in was coming out of the "good birthmartyr" closet, facing the truth and realizing that, together, we, as mothers, could do something that might bring about change on a bigger scale or, at least, remove the scales from the eyes of the population. That is the main thrust of groups like SMAAC and BSERI and Bastard Nation among others. We each approach it from the vantage point of our own experience, but there is something we all have in common. Thanks to a sister on the Origins Canada support group, I have the perfect words for it. We all have stopped "farting rainbows" about the supposed beauty of adoption. Comical but apt and real.

I wore my "Strange and Mournful" ribbon with pride, last month (Thank God/dess, November is over) and several people, out of the many who asked me about it, seemed to have some warm, fuzzy story about someone they knew who adopted/was adopted/surrendered. I grew weary of politely but firmly disagreeing and tired of hearing these folks fart rainbows. You know what? Those suckers might have pretty colors, but they stink.

By facing reality and accepting what has happened, understanding why and how it happened and gaining strength from each other, many of us have achieved healing and hope. Absolutely, the best support and understanding I have received has been from other mothers of the EMS. We are finally speaking for ourselves rather than allowing the industry and its talking heads and adopters to speak for us. We want the truth told...not fairy tales and rigged statistics.

There is now a group calling itself a grassroots movement for the benefit of those who adopt and potential adopters...protecting what this group calls their "rights." The following is the truth so I hope these folks listen and listen well. PAPs have NO rights to the child inside another woman's body and that woman has every right to change her mind and say "NO!" Just as a woman has a right to call a halt when petting gets out of hand, so does the woman who is in an unexpected pregnancy. Not being allowed to say no or to change her mind is the same thing as rape....rape of the heart and soul. How can women predate on other women this way? In our circle, we support each other. We don't prey on each other.

We who have stood in the Circle of Hope and Healing have come a long way. We don't want to see any more women joining our ranks. Trading in human flesh for the benefit of the self-entitled infertiles and/or wannabe saints puts a wound on the soul of both mother and child. Having a child is NOT a "right," but a God/dess-given gift and responsibility. That gift is given to the woman who bears that child. Adoption is not God/dess-ordained. If a child is born into poverty, then help the family. Don't help yourself to the child.

It is time that we brought to the attention of the general public exactly what coercion was and how badly and painfully we were used. That Circle of Hope and Healing is turning into a circle of warriors.


Anonymous said...

Wow. I have been on the recovery freedom circuit for about 25 yrs. I thought I heard a tone of "conditional acceptance" in your wise voice.

My sister is in Marketing and Marketing, and might be of help in this fight, as soon as she can get to the other side of guilt for having abortions, when I chose to abort motherhood instead. I try to support her, especially since we are so alike in our fears.

How does one get info for this? I am just getting my feet wet, but already angry that I/we are treated so shabbily.

My 38yr old son expressed that he has guilt abd anger, too, in being reunited. How do I deal with that, ohther than to tell him that he need not do anything he is uncomfortable with, and that "I loved him before he was born"?

maybe said...

What is this grassroots group of paps?

Anonymous said...

I LOVE your analogy of petting, coercion and rape. Very fitting. "A couple more strokes honey, it'll be okay"; and the message afterwards, "you asked for it, it's your fault."


Robin said...

"OA Tony has left a new comment on your post "Circle of Hope and Healing":

What a powerful prayer the Serenity Prayer is. It's all about surrender. Great post."

We mothers of adoption loss have a little bit of a problem with the term "surrender." To us, rather than giving over control to a Higher Power, it brings back the fact that we were backed into a corner and coerced into surrendering our children, thus feeding the adoption industry. My Higher Power and I have an agreement, Tony. I surrender, to Her what I can't control. But I fight like Hell not to give up my personal autonomy and will work to change what I can.

Thanks for your comment.

Sandy Young said...

Beautiful, Robin. Simply beautiful.

Robin said...

Maybe, if you can contact me privately, I will let you know the answer to your question. I don't want to give any more publicity to this bunch other than the reference in this post.

Robin said...

Holly, I think it comes under the "wisdom to know the difference" part. With work, persistence and determination, we CAN, at least, affect the general public's view of adoption. Refusing to keep silent about a massive injustice takes courage. Many times, I am shaking in my boots when I speak up. But that is what courage is...doing what is right, even when it is scary.