Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Responsibility Goes Both Ways

I just love this picture. It shows just how insidious secrets can be. I also love the article it accompanies about STD's and Infertility.

We get a lot of very nasty comments from the general public, as well as those who have a stake in our criminalization, about taking the "responsibility" for the loss of our children to adoption. You've heard them all, I assume..."you didn't have to spread your legs," "you could have said no (what about rape?)," "no one held a gun to your head (they might as well have)," etc., ad infinitum! Well guess what? A lot of infertile people, who think they are more deserving of our children than us bad, old, unwed mommies didn't keep their knickers on and their chinos zipped, either! GASP!

It has long been known, by the medical community, that STD's, along with bad lifestyle choices such as smoking, obesity, prior drug use, etc., account for an appreciable number of infertility cases. Rather than a bundle of joy, these unfortunates received inability to produce those little swimmers, scarred and impassable fallopian tubes and other such goodies for their early sexual activities. Who is holding THEM responsible? On a personal note, I know one contemporary of mine, now the wife of a dentist, who was always raring to go when the boys suggested a trip to lover's lane. Yes, she adopted. Now I am saying, "Hmmmmmmm?"

Don't get me wrong. I do know that there are some infertile people who just were struck by lightening and are not responsible for their infertility. There are also many of us who were raped, molested and intimidated by older men or used by inconstant lovers and were not solely responsible for the results of those actions. For many of us, it was a matter of loving, not wisely but too well, believing in our beloved's constancy ('coff, coff') and being young and impulsive. This has been happening since the beginning of recorded history. Those that didn't get pregnant were the "lucky" ones, I thought. Well, looks like old Mr. Chlamydia might have had something to say about that along with The Great Applauder (clap).

The assumed sainthood of the infertile adopter grates on my sensibilities. Being called a slut and a tramp when you are nothing but a disillusioned and frightened girl who has values just like everyone else, can make you a bit resentful of the secrets and lies that put us in that position. We weren't sluts...we were PREGNANT..a perfectly natural condition for healthy, young women. Now, if I can get this straight, a girl can get pregnant in a committed (on her part, anyway) relationship with ONE partner. But contracting an STD usually occurs when the activity, on the part of one or both, has included MANY partners. Now who's a slut? Hey...just postulating, that's all.

In any event, I doubt that adopters who fit into this category will ever come clean (yuk, yuk) about it. I just think this knowledge gives us all a good, object lesson about judging, name-calling and assumptions. Before anyone else jumps, when they see a natural mother, to the conclusion that she was loose and immoral, remember these medically documented facts and think about it. It would be just as wrong to assume that we were sluts as it would be to label every adopter as an STD carrier.

What goes around.........

07/08/2009 *As a good friend pointed out in the "comments" section, I neglected another leading cause of infertility which is delayed childbearing. In the battle to "have it all," many women put off having children until they had/have attained some vision of what they consider success. The thing that chaps my bootie on this one is that these women then turn and predate on their sisters, using the desperation that comes when a woman has no other choice than to surrender their child against them. So, what I have learned from this is that childbearing is for the young and that the sisterhood of feminists flies out the window when it comes to the old "give me a child lest I die" syndrome. This is one HUGE women's issue that is ignored by NOW and anyone else who would be an advocate for the rights of all women.


maybe said...

The U.S. still holds onto its a puritanical view of sex, pregnancy, and motherhood. The adoptive mother is presumed to be virginal, after all, she didn't have sex to get a baby. Case in point, there was an interesting recent article about more single black women choosing to adopt. The adoptive mother was quoted as saying she adopted because she did not want to be pregnant "out of wedlock." But it was perfectly okay to be a single mother via adoption. Strange.

Sandy Young said...

Add delaying the idea of having a child until after you have completed college, worked your way up in your career, purchased the starter home and built enough equity to move up to the family home, the SUV and the BMW, the trips that you won't be able to take with children and then be surprised when the fertility drugs don't trigger a positive response in those old eggs. Oh, well, you worked for it, you EARNED it, so go on out and get one from those teens who are too young to parent, anyway. They didn't wait till they had it all...they are going to do it later, like people have throughout history. That's why we are called "Empty Nesters" our grown children have flown the coop and it is time for us to spread our wings and get what we want.

There are compromises that must be made through life. Career, boats, houses, cars, education and trips can all be put off for a later time. Mother Nature Cannot and will not be delayed. Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock....biology trumps!

Chris said...

I myself have been for some length of time now curious about the causes of infertility and have tried to educate myself on this subject. What I found curious from the start..was way too often infertile women would talk about the 'damage' to their reproductive organs...but NOT how or why that 'damage' occurred. It is now reported by many reputable health organizations (verifiable facts & stats), that STDs is the cause of infertility in the infertile population. Chief amongst those STDs causing infertility...Chlamydia.
I have also noted that adoptors who have adopted because of infertility...become highly incensed when the cause of their infertility is questioned. We burfmuggles are never to question this....ever! Yet our burfmuggle twats should be open to mandatory inspection by female adoptors, every aspect of and how dare we become 'angry', when our own fertility is open to question and inspection by 'them'. And as we all know by now..us burfmuggles are a very distinct oddity and rare type of female human being. It has been told to us..'You got your ownself pregnant'!!! Damn, talk about a Miracle of Life!
All I can say if our fertility can be up for all manner of question, inspection and defamation...then turn-about is absolutely fair-play..I want to know all about 'their' infertility as well. 'They' have determined how we 'got our ownselves pregnant'..I want to know how 'they' 'got their ownselves infertile'!!

maybe said...

Right on about the age issue, yet another sacred cow in the adoption wars. Never, ever suggest to a woman she waited too long, unless you are prepared for the daggers to come out. We were told we could have it all, babies post-menopause included!

Another thing to consider about waiting is the increased risk of genetic issues. I've noticed quite a few more babies with Downs Syndrome lately; anecdotal evidence, yes, but I suspect part of the increase is due to delayed childbearing. Would be interesting to see the numbers on this, or to hear how many abortions are elected due to the identification of age-related genetic problems in-utero.

Anonymous said...

Simply put we got ourselves pregnant and they fuc*ked themselves infertile!

Shhhh its a secret as no one knew they were having so much sex while we had proof and our secret was out.