Thursday, September 10, 2009

What Anti-Adoption Means



You know, it seems I even have to clarify "Clarity." When I said "wanting to parent" does not give someone the RIGHT to parent, I meant that all the way to the bank.

So many who adopt are under the illusion that the child they adopt would have no where else to go if they did not step in and give that child their name and identity. That, in and of itself, is a questionable "gift." That child already has a surname and a family identity and that is taken from him.

I can bet that when this mother with the "unwanted" (read "unexpected or unplanned") pregnancy reached out for help, no one suggested giving her a hand in dealing with her personal situation so that she could be there for her child. I will also bet that no one tried to see if there was a family member that could assume kinship guardianship until Mom got on her feet, nor did they suggest making Daddy financially responsible for his casual pleasures. No, not any agency who stands to gain profit nor a state agency who would get goodies for their state would dare to give this mother all her options, especially any that would allow her to keep and raise her child.

You can also bet your layette that this surrendering mother has the same skewed view of surrender for adoption as do too many of the rest of her contemporaries. They grew up with the myth and actually think that it is "heroic" to turn their child over to facilitators who will, in turn, give that child to genetic strangers. They do not have a clue as to the ultimate grief and dismay they will experience and the inner (and often well-concealed from their adopters) pain and confusion of the adoptee as they try to digest the fact that they are round pegs carrying the surname of and trying to fit into square holes.

I also bet that no one suggested legal guardianship of said child with no legal lies involved including altered birth certificates, loss of family history and name and the biggest lie of all on that certificate...the names of the adopters inserted to allow them to pretend this child was "as if born to." It is a real privilege to care for a child who needs someone but there is no right to be called "Mommy and Daddy" when it just isn't so.

I have called adoption a myth and a fairy-tale. I was wrong. Myths and fairy tales are things that are harmless and entertaining most of the time.

Adoption is an outright lie, harmful and painful.

19 comments:

Barb said...

oh, you hit it on the head. again. thank you.

Anonymous said...

Exactly.

Adoption is legalized discrimination of an entire class of people.

Karen Dawber said...

Adoption will always be about the monetary benefits for the adopters until the reforms that are so needed are in place. Robin your blog is soo right on.

Sandy Young said...

Robin, once again you nailed it. I read this stuff and think to myself, "LETS TAKE THIS BITCH D-O-W-N!!!" Let's do it!

Mei-Ling said...

I really wish more commenters would stop at your blog... or at least expand the discussion (since you may actually get more hits on your stats page).

But I see so many discussions over at FMF and your blog could also have so many intriguing exchanges as well... I just never see much commentary over here.

It's too bad because your blog is quite direct and blunt, if not honest about the dark side of adoption.

Hazel said...

So glad to have stumbled across your blog!! Just wanted to say hi and I appreciate your honesty.

Joan M Wheeler, born as, Doris M Sippel said...

Great blog. The need for commentors here is acknowledged! I'll be back, for sure! This post is extreemly important to read, especially from a mother of loss. Identity is so very important, our roots, our names, come from our parents, our creators.

Please stop by my new website and blog, which is in the beginning stages, so I could use a few visitors and comments, too. Sadly, the look may change as the webhost is soon changing format, but this one is more secure.

Robin said...

I appreciate what you are saying, Joan and Mei Ling, but I don't want to make this blog a debate forum. That works for some people, but here, this is the only place where I can speak the truth as I see it and make that the main message. Too many adopters with arguments and crackwhore barfmuggles as examples muddy the waters. I want nothing on this blog by anyone that is in favor of separation of mother and child.

Anonymous said...

A big problem is that foreign adoption is now "trendy". And people who adopt are lauded as heroes who rescue children from bad situations. In fact, if you want to have your own biological child these days, you are called "selfish" for not adopting instead. You are told "with all those kids out there who need homes, why are you trying to have one? Take a child that is already here."
I think American society needs to quit pushing adoption as the only thing that anyone should do. America is on the adoption bandwagon, unfortunately, they are not getting off any time soon. I even know a woman who goes around shoving adoption literature at any and everyone she can find.

Bobby said...

Is this blog for real? What's your latest progress? Let me hear from you'all as to how the word is getting out to the public. I believe me and my sister were ram-rodded into being adopted years ago without our fathers permission. What a mess. A bunch of do gooders to the rescue only ended up screwing us up. Two orphans to the rescue.

Anonymous said...

I'm so happy to have stumbled across your blog. My daughter was coerced into signing away her parental rights
by CPS in Boulder County Colorado. Amongst other things the falsification of birth certificates has got to stop!

Susan Spies said...

I'm so happy to have stumbled across your blog. My daughter was coerced into signing away her parental rights
by CPS in Boulder County Colorado. Amongst other things the falsification of birth certificates has got to stop!

Anonymous said...

I love your blog and hate adoption. It violates are human , Constitutional and Civil Rights.It is a form of slavery.

Erin said...

You know what? I totally agree with you, and I am the adoptive mother of 5 children (a sibling group) The two older ones are now adults, and the day they turned 18 they left us, found their birthmom on Facebook, and have never loooked back. We were lied to by the state of Florida, told the kids had no other options, that we were the last chance. In reality, it turns out we were the "last chance" the state had to pawn the kids off on someone that didn't need a subsidy or financial help. There were relatives willing to take the kids, but they were poor, so the state of Florida found it cheaper to give them to us, than to their own family members. Now I have to deal every day with the heartache of having raised the two older ones only to have them leave me for their biological family. I live in constant fear that the same thing will happen with my 3 little ones that are still with me. I DO NOT BLAME THE CHILDREN! Adoption is a horrible lie, it not only hurts the children, it hurts the adoptive parents.

Robin said...

Erin, you left someone out...someone that most adopters don't want to even consider. In the MAJORITY of cases, the natural mother suffers unrelenting grief and pain. MOST of us, especially from the BSE/EMS era, were not given a choice. Today, many SW's and agencies are coercive or, as you point out, don't consider the natural family if they can find people with more money. That is government-sponsored social engineering.

Rather than "living in fear," why don't you try being honest with the three you have now? Acknowledge their need to know, their primal grief and help them connect with their natural families. There is always more than enough love to go around.

You can't buy or assume motherhood regardless of what that piece of paper says. But you can earn your children's love and respect by realizing that they are not possessions but their own people. You can also realize that "as if born to" is only legal-speak and not a reality. You will always know that your children were born to other women.

You might also want to ask yourself why your older kids "never looked back." Did you place emotional demands and conditions on them about their relationship with their natural families? You have a chance to do things differently with the young ones. Face your issues and work with your old mistakes. Good Luck.

Mother said...

Robin,

Love this post and you speak from the heart of the matter.
All the fake, phony birth certificates should be burned they tell lies and untruths. No pen can change a person's truth
no matter how many adopters adopt they will always live with the truth. No how many times they repeat the lie.

Erin, YOU, aren't a victim you have been taken by the lies
of adoption thinking you could make the children you raised
forget their parents. Even adoptees who don't know their
parents search endlessly for them.

Anonymous said...

Adoption is certainly a horrible and immoral act. In some ways it is equally as bad as abortion. Both acts are avoidable through abstaining from premarital sexual relations. Also raping and robbing foreign mothers of their children so undeserving parents, including those in the homosexual community can feel like they have a family. The state certainly benefits financially through the adoption process, as do churches and agencies. Child support is also not an answer to the problem as the child can be harmed as much by a single mom, as well as through the devastating course of adoption. I am certain that God does not permit some women, or couples, to have children.Man should not interfere with Gods will and give those women and couples a child. I am an adopted child, who never felt a part of the family that I was adopted into. I didnt look like them, think like them, act like them, or want anything to do with them. I want my mother, and my true Identity. Even though I probably only met her at birth, I feel a longing to meet her and hug her. When the reality of what an adoption was really hit me in my 40's I realized what was lost. At first I was angry that my mother would give me up and turn me over to people who were really unfit to be parents. Then It hit me that I don't even know my heritage. I began to think that I was nothing more than a mistake. I never wanted to try and find my mom, because I didn't want to open her old wounds.I thought I would open scars of wounds of the pain, and embarrassment she must have felt because of me. After reading what many moms have written it dawned on me that she might want to see me, and know Im ok. I think of her daily, and think about what a wonderful woman she is, and how much I love her. It is funny how family courts have perverted the family relationship when it comes to divorce. They adopt the best interest of the child theory in those courts. When it comes to adoption, the child loses his/her voice, his/her heritage, and his/her mother forever. Well I'm 49 years old and I want my mommy!!!!!

Robin said...

Anon, I feel your pain. I also see your point, but is it realistic to expect everyone who is unmarried to refrain from having intimate relations? Rather, let's make birth control a part of sex education and available to all.

Anonymous said...

https://www.facebook.com/notifications#!/events/347315435343140/

Hi I just found your blog. I am hunting for other parents like me hurt by adoption to let you know about the International Protest against CPS and Family Court abuses on September 28th. Everyone is welcome including father's groups, women's groups, veteran's groups and you and I.
On the facebook page linked above you can find information about the date and who to contact in your state. With all of us coming together, we are sure to be heard. The group is afire and I feel strongly that it is what we have been waiting for. If you can not make it, then please keep up hope and your activism.
Thanks!