Thursday, September 10, 2009

What Anti-Adoption Means

You know, it seems I even have to clarify "Clarity." When I said "wanting to parent" does not give someone the RIGHT to parent, I meant that all the way to the bank.

So many who adopt are under the illusion that the child they adopt would have no where else to go if they did not step in and give that child their name and identity. That, in and of itself, is a questionable "gift." That child already has a surname and a family identity and that is taken from him.

I can bet that when this mother with the "unwanted" (read "unexpected or unplanned") pregnancy reached out for help, no one suggested giving her a hand in dealing with her personal situation so that she could be there for her child. I will also bet that no one tried to see if there was a family member that could assume kinship guardianship until Mom got on her feet, nor did they suggest making Daddy financially responsible for his casual pleasures. No, not any agency who stands to gain profit nor a state agency who would get goodies for their state would dare to give this mother all her options, especially any that would allow her to keep and raise her child.

You can also bet your layette that this surrendering mother has the same skewed view of surrender for adoption as do too many of the rest of her contemporaries. They grew up with the myth and actually think that it is "heroic" to turn their child over to facilitators who will, in turn, give that child to genetic strangers. They do not have a clue as to the ultimate grief and dismay they will experience and the inner (and often well-concealed from their adopters) pain and confusion of the adoptee as they try to digest the fact that they are round pegs carrying the surname of and trying to fit into square holes.

I also bet that no one suggested legal guardianship of said child with no legal lies involved including altered birth certificates, loss of family history and name and the biggest lie of all on that certificate...the names of the adopters inserted to allow them to pretend this child was "as if born to." It is a real privilege to care for a child who needs someone but there is no right to be called "Mommy and Daddy" when it just isn't so.

I have called adoption a myth and a fairy-tale. I was wrong. Myths and fairy tales are things that are harmless and entertaining most of the time.

Adoption is an outright lie, harmful and painful.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Clarity...It's Refreshing

Some may have noticed that I do not publish hostile, argumentative or mean-spirited comments, but I do read them all. It amazes me how many people scan but do not read and how many will take, or omit, one section or sentence out of context of the entire message. I also do not publish comments from people who tell me I should watch out what I say, be careful about what I say (I already do both), or who ridicule good people.

To the infertile, potential adopter who responded to my post about taking responsibility for situations; you must have missed the sentence where I stressed that not all people are infertile due to their own activities. You and others like you, though, are in the minority with the leading causes of infertility still being delayed childbearing, STD's and other lifestyle choices. Check with the medical researchers. And, even though it is unfortunate, and I am sure, painful, that you are infertile through no fault of your own, that infertility still does not give you the right to "parent" someone elses' child. I stand by my original statement and post.

To the adoptee who had the recalcitrant mother who insisted that surrender was her idea and that she wanted no contact with her adult child; Dear, I am so sorry. She is either terrified, brainwashed, ignorant or a combination of all three. Yes, such mothers exist, but our experience shows them, again, to be in the minority. Having such a mother, as well, does not allow or excuse hostility towards all mothers of loss to surrender. I know many adopted adults, reunited, who "get it" and who don't like what was done to us. Please note, I said "many," not "all." Again, I stand by my statement and original post.

We who are speaking out against the adoption industry, the crimes against mothers during the EMS and who are trying to reach our younger sisters with the truth of our experience are not speaking for everyone across the board. There are a few of us who did drink the Kool Aid the industry forced on us and that is heart-breaking.

And there are a few potential adopters who were hit by lightening where their infertility is concerned and we feel bad for these people. BUT, pretending to be the mother and father of another woman's child really doesn't work. You are still infertile, even after you adopt, and you have the disadvantage of not naturally having that "die for my child" bond. Having friends who have adopted and also had children of their own, I know, from their own words, that there is a difference. While the drive to reproduce is a natural one, adoption is NOT reproduction.

If someone is born without legs, they may be fitted with prostheses, but they will never have legs. A child should never be used as a prosthesis or panacea to fill a personal need.

A child should never be used, period.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

What You Learn From Walking The Dog

Rocky woke me up at 4:00AM with that little urgent whine that let me know a walk was forthcoming. I struggled into my clothes, found the leash and we set out. The front of our house faces the northeast and the lights of Orlando and all the communities around it are to our southwest. There was a beautiful patch of sky there, with the moon surrounded by high, wispy clouds and lots of bright stars.

The humidity was down to a dull roar for a change and the temp was in the low 70's with a slight breeze. I thought about how wonderful it was to have a view of the night sky without all the neon and halogen and other lights of the ticky-tacky, plastic tourist region south of us obscuring the clarity.

I thought, then, about the fairy-tale, saccharine dog-and-pony show that surrounds the efforts to increase infant adoption. It's hard for a young mother-to-be to see the clear and natural reality when it is obscured by the manufactured bright lights of adoption mythology. The industry, social workers and their cohorts wave the image of the heroic but inept mother who cares only for her child's welfare, said welfare being, according to these spin doctors, surrender for adoption. That "heroine" label and $1.00 will get you a Whopper Junior. It tastes good at first, but doesn't last. There are a lot of adopted adults who would argue the perceived, skewed rightness of surrender.

We don't have a powerful lobby that would intercede on behalf of natural family continuity. We don't have an eager market for our message as does the adoption industry. All we have it the natural truth and you have to look away from the hype and the hooplah in order to really see it and understand it. While the industry pitches its product like a manic Billy Mays, we are trying to calmly tell the truth.

Maybe people will get tired of the noise and the bright lights and start listening.