All About Dad

Father's Day isn't the best day in the world for me. My own father, now deceased, was not exactly the picture of the ideal Dad. Father definitely did NOT know best in our home.

I was abandoned and lied about by the father of my oldest child and raped and abandoned by the father of my second. The first was poor judgement on my part in loving someone too immature to hold up his end of the relationship. The second was just being in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person.

While our marriage wasn't the best, my ex-husband was and is an excellent father to our two. My current husband is a wonderful step-father and was a very loving Dad to the only child he had of his own, now deceased. Father's day is rough for him.

My own father was a narcissistic, pathological liar, bigamist and serial adulterer. The last few years of his life were, unfortunately, the best for us. He had retreated into a fantasy of being a good man who never hurt anyone and slowly ate himself to death. He died of congestive heart failure complicated by extreme Type II diabetes at age 72.

For nine years, from age five to age fourteen, I wondered about him and why he left. When he came back, I would soon come to believe it would have been better had he stayed gone. My mother and extended family were my sanity and comfort...well, at least until I "went and got MYSELF pregnant."

I have seen many adoptees becoming the champions of the natural fathers, but they weren't the ones who were in the relationships with these guys that led to their conception. For every girl who "got pregnant, deliberately, to trap a man," I can show you ten who just loved a guy too much to realize that he was not going to hang in for the duration. For every girl who "didn't tell the father because she was mad at him," I can show you twenty who, when they told their beloved the news, were coughing from the dust of his hasty departure. There are two sides to every story and Mom is NOT always the villain.

To me, the kind of father that deserves the accolades on Father's Day are the ones who took the responsibility for their actions and stood fast to give their child a name and the ability to stay within the family of origin. I would have been OK with a quickie marriage and divorce, even with that odious animal who inseminated me against my will, for the ability to keep my child. That's what it was all about, back then. No husband, no Mrs. in front of your name, no right to your own child. Illogical but then this society has never been real good with that logic thing, in my opinion.

I think the two hardest pills to swallow were learning the true nature of my own father, and being abandoned by the father of my first born and mistreated by him. I truly loved both these guys, the first with the innocent love of a child and the second with the first intense love of a young woman, and they both gave me a major kick in the gut. You know what's funny? My first love couldn't stand my father. I think he saw himself in my old man's philandering ways.

So excuse me if all I do for Father's Day is give my husband the loving support he needs and thank my ex-husband for being a good Dad. The rest is up to everyone else to do as they see fit. I don't think I feel much like celebrating.

If Anyone Wonders Why.....

This past weekend, my oldest child's paternal grandmother passed away. She was a sweet lady who always treated me with kindness and a gentle respect. The same was true of her late husband.

I don't know what happened to her son. We were both teens, close together in age, and my family was adamant that there would be no marriage. So was my errant lover. He was scared to death. I wonder if my family had allowed it, would his folks have made him marry me? From what I know of those fine people, yes, they probably would have, if only to give their grandchild a name.

But it had already been decided, on my family's part, that there would be no marriage and that "the baby" (MY BABY!!!!!) would be given up for adoption. They decided that, not me.

When my daughter contacted me in April of 1993, I was ready with any information she wanted, including the name of her father. For her, it was important that "the circle be closed." I knew that, where her father was concerned, I was persona non grata, especially to his wife. So, we decided we would contact her paternal grandparents.

No one could have been sweeter or more welcoming to her than her grandparents. They considered her family, at least until her father decided that he didn't want that happening. She had met him only once and he was not eager to acknowledge her even though she could tell he knew she was his daughter. He eventually cut off all contact with her.

She sent a floral arrangement when her grandfather passed but the family had it removed. He spent years denying that she was his to anyone who would listen. His family knows better. However, they ARE his family, so my daughter is a subject not to be discussed because he wants it that way. He has a sister that is kind and open to her and to me, but her loyalties are, first and foremost, to her brother.

So if anyone wonders, this is why I get frustrated with the "good old Dad" stuff that I hear from a lot of adult adoptees. When I say that many of us were abandoned in our time of need, know that the "putative" fathers were usually the first ones out the door and running down the road. This didn't just happen to SOME of us. It happened to MOST of us.

Remember young love? Remember the lovely ache of it, deep in the chest, the fire in the belly and the stars in your eyes? Remember the sweet dreams and the joys of just being held and kissed and hearing those sweet words? I would have carved out my heart for him, back then, and handed it to him in an ivory box lined in silk. I lived to see him look into my eyes and smile.

The reaction of my family and some of my former friends really hurt. Being sent away like a dirty little secret hurt. Being a social outcast hurt. But one of the things that hurt the most was that uncaring rejection, that being kicked to the curb like so much rancid garbage by the one I loved. The only other thing that hurt worse was the loss of my child.

He spoke about me to others in the most disparaging of ways, hinting that I was easy and promiscuous. He lied like a politician who was losing. And, stupid me, I still loved him! It took me years to get over him and, when I  finally did, I felt a thousand pounds lighter. Obsessive masochism is a heavy load and he wasn't worth the damage it did to me.

He is now doing the same thing to our daughter, kicking her aside and refusing to acknowledge her. She offered to have a DNA test done just to still his protests, but he refused. And the ultimate insult to her is his refusal to allow her to join in the mourning for her grandparents.

I remember them both stumbling over words, way back when, trying to make excuses for him and apologies to me. I was, and still am, grateful to the core for their kindness. Their hearts were in the right place and the world is poorer for their passing. I see the best of them in my daughter.

I lit a candle for Hazel. I hope there is something there, on the other side of death, and that she is with her husband again. I hope they both are at rest.

I just wish my daughter didn't have to mourn, alone.

Aw, Ya Done Gone and Got Yerself Pregnant!

I have had it! I am so sick and tired of the careless, uncaring, thoughtless and even nasty things being said about Natural Mothers. When it comes from a member of your own family, it hurts. Even if the thing that was said wasn't directed at you, it can hurt. It gets especially vicious when they go after teen moms, but any young woman who dares to conceive without the dubious benefit of holy deadlock is fair game. Here are a few of the statements, made by those who have no idea what it's like, that set my dentures on edge.

"Babies having babies." RIDICULOUS! I'll admit it isn't the most ideal situation in the world, but most teen moms are not infantile and make great mothers with a bit of support and understanding.

"You've ruined your life!" HOGWASH. The idea that the young, single mom is going to be on welfare for life, will never have a good relationship, career, education or fulfilling events in her life is bullshit of the smelliest variety. I only have to look among my contemporaries to see the erroneous nature of that idea. And I really have to hand it to some of the newer moms who are finishing their schooling, working and raising a child and not complaining. We are a confused and spoiled culture that keeps our children in a state of infancy post-puberty.

"Your baby deserves TWO parents who can give them more." More what? More love? More care? AAH. More MONEY. And the fact that there IS a father who should be contributing to the care of his child is not considered? I wish I had a ten-spot for every adopted adult who has said they would not have minded not having the pony and the toys and the dance lessons if it had meant they could have stayed in their family of origin. I could go on a nice vacation.

"You're the one who spread her legs." Why is it that a girl's sexuality is condemned while a boy's gets a wink and a nudge? I can also tell everyone, from hard experience, that many times those knickers didn't come off without a lot of urging and cajoling from a horny guy along with false protestations of eternal love. And, in a few cases, those horny guys just took what they wanted without permission. It's just sex, for Pete's Sake and it doesn't make a slut out of a girl who gives in to passion. It's the loose talk and the labels and condemnations that do that. How about offering sex education and available birth control instead of unrealistic expectations?

"Haven't you ever heard of birth control?" It's awfully hard to hit the Health Department for the pill or insist on condoms when you have Dad and Mom preaching 'aabstinence only' and believing that their little girl would never let a nasty boy touch her like that. This willful forgetting of their own teen years spells disaster for the sons and daughters who are too human to measure up. AND, condoms fail and even the pill can fail if a dose is missed or if there are certain other factors such as a short illness and other medications in the body.

"You cannot give your child a good life. They will be messed up and never amount to anything." I have seen numerous people who were adopted by well-meaning, affluent people who turned out to be addicts, thieves, bad with family and relationships, and even murderers. There are no guarantees. You just do your best. On the other hand, there are many people raised by single mothers who had succeeded in making good lives for themselves. And several of those people credit their mother's influence as the reason behind their success. Among them are Bill Clinton, Barack Obama and Olympian Michael Phelps. Whereas, among adopted people, we can include, Ted Bundy (adoptee lite), Jeffrey Daimler and David "Son of Sam: Berkowitz. It's not the family structure but the quality of family love and guidance and that can be a crap shoot.

"You can always have babies after you're married, have a home and are settled in a career." OK, this one is the old promise that we can have it all. Yet it has been proven that delayed childbearing is the leading cause of infertility. A study in the UK concluded that women lost 90% of their viable ova by age 30. That doesn't mean you can't become pregnant after 30. It just means it is a lot harder. And a mother in her late teens to early 20's does seem to have a monopoly on the energy it takes to keep up with toddlers and small children. That is hard work. But I know a few young mothers who, while raising small children, pursued their education and a career. One became a cardiologist while raising twins on her own. Don't set limits on those who find themselves pregnant at a young age and single. They take the things you say to heart and you may be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

"She went and got herself pregnant." Yeah Buddy. I picture women raiding sperm banks or knocking out young men to procure sperm, then getting out the old turkey baster and doing the deed. What tripe. In most normal pregnancies, it takes two, a male and a female, both equally responsible for the act and the outcome, to make a baby. Has our species not evolved far enough to cease this demonetization of women? Will we always be judged by a two-millenia-old patriarchal myth about our worth and our sexuality?  We have stood on another planet. We take pictures of distant galaxies and have working computers no bigger than our palms, but we still are sexist, racist, ageist and operating from a questionable idea that a certain religion has a lock on morality.

I am a mother who became a mother when it was the worst possible thing a girl could do in the eyes of society. I have managed to grow past the fear and shame and realize what is behind this denigration of the single, young mother. It sickens me, saddens me and, when it comes from a loved one, it gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Even natural families don't seem to get that unconditional love thing.

Yesterday, I got a facetious invitation from Baskin-Robbins to celebrate my "half birthday" (I became 65 & 1/2 on the 14th) with a buy one cone, get one free deal. Time is flying by and I am educated more and more every day. OK, so at the grand old age of 65 & 1/2, I see something very clearly. The problem isn't the pregnant teens. That old chestnut just won't fly anymore. The problem is social engineering and the demand for healthy infants by the "right kind of people." It isn't a "win-win situation" and it isn't caring for the mother or her child. It is bottom-line flesh trading and religious arrogance and manipulation by the self-anointed. It is heartless, covetous, greedy, elitist and painful.

And it stinks to high heaven.

Where Is True Brilliance and Charity?

Both qualities seem to have left us and we are forced to deal with the popular and the politically expedient. I am thinking, especially, of two very opposite personalities, today. While the name of the Florence Crittenton Homes can conjure some pretty lousy memories for many a natural mother, the original mission of this service was not as a clearing house for adoptable infants in utero. Kate Waller Barrett, who, with businessman Charles Nelson Crittenton, created this service, was trying to help the young mother with child care instruction, medical care, good nutrition and all the thing that would give any young mom a good start. It never entered her mind to do anything but help these young women keep and raise their children and give them the consideration and caring they could not find in society at large. It was only after WWII that the punitive and avaricious practice of using maternity homes to produce infants for adoption began in earnest.

I did a little research at the behest of a friend and wrote a short essay on Ms. Barrett for publication. This was a woman who was filled with the right kind of compassion, who saw a wrong and wanted to right it. I wonder what she would think if she viewed the adoption industry as it is today. I wonder how it would make her feel to see the organization that she and Charles Crittenton formed and named after Crittenton's late daughter turned into an arm of that industry. Some of the Crittenton services are trying to get back, a bit, to the original purpose, but the Industry looms large.

Kate Waller Barrett didn't qualify her charity by judging the worth of the mothers she helped according to their marital status. She knew that it took two to create a child and she knew that men often left a woman to deal with whatever happened once he took what he wanted. She recognized her good fortune and wanted other women to experience it. She didn't charge these young women if they didn't surrender their children. She didn't try to sell babies to the well-heeled. She didn't do any of the things that many who styled themselves as "charitable" have done. That kind of honest charity takes courage and determination, not a desire to make a fortune off the pain of others.

Any kind of honesty takes courage. I have long admired the comedian and philosopher (yes, I consider him one of the most brilliant social minds of our time), George Carlin. His one-liners usually made more sense than all the most learned tomes of Kierkegaard, Adams, Sartre or a host of others. I love his jaundiced view of authority, such as, "The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment." It's funny that he mentions the people who are the arbiters, supporters and technicians of adoption. It's hard to find one of that crowd on the side of the single mother.

I consider George Carlin to have been brilliant and another who was ahead of his time. He didn't back down to the networks and he showed us that personal integrity could be hilarious.

I am going to take a page from Carlin's book and be honest about something. I have watched the fight between the Vaughns and the natural father of the little boy, Grayson, they wanted to adopt. I watched as the self-entitled adopter wannabes defied one court order after another. People were lauding the judges who ruled in favor of the rights of the father. I applaud the outcome, but have one question. When are these judges going to favor the rights of the mother who is conned out of her baby?  Benjamin Wyrembek fought the good fight, but so did Stephanie Bennett and her family and they were just SOL. I saw no one making a move to honor the original order to return baby Evelyn to the Bennett home. It's still a man's world. Grayson's mother was required, by her husband, not Wyrembek, to surrender her son. I pray she will have an opportunity to play a positive part in his life.

I'm also glad to see eye to eye on many of George Carlin's observations about organized religion. He once said that he was happy for people who had a relationship with a deity that would tell them what to do. What he didn't like was these same people using what they got from their deity to tell others what to do. The church and its influence on our society has made us one of the most judgmental, prudish national cultures on earth. And the concern is not on hate, disease, poverty, famine or any of those ills. No. It's all about who got a BJ while in office and who is qualified to keep their children based on their marital status. The nose of the pious is stuck in the private bedroom of us all. Sex is the great Satan but sending our young people to some dessert thousands of miles away from home to be killed is righteous?

So, what would I say if I were able to speak to both these people, today? I would tell them that they and their efforts and ideas are sorely missed. I have yet to see anyone with the heart and the backbone to take their place. Meanwhile, the tears of untold numbers of mothers and their children still flow, inequities are still unchallenged and the beat goes on.

Hmmm, what would Kate do and what would George say? It's something to consider.

Getting Out The Vote

....In more ways than just one. We are at the deadline for voting for the Demons of our choice. The following is borrowed...well, blatantly stolen from Musing Mother.

4th Annual Demons in Adoption Awards Nominations

Each year Pound Pup Legacy presents the Demons of Adoption Award to raise a voice against adoption propaganda and the self congratulatory (specious and vomitous) practices of the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute's annual Angels in Adoption Awards(TM)

Until October 30 you will have the opportunity to vote for the recipient of this year's award. To vote, go to:

http://poundpuplegacy.org/node/45564

The nominees are:

LDS Family Services: for being the most secretive of all adoption agencies, using coercive tactics in obtaining infants for adoption and having no respect for father's rights; (my personal favorite and I protest by finding those "missionaries'" bikes, chained to a light post and let the air out of their tires)

Gladney center for adoption: for being one of the most profit-centered agencies around and blocking open record efforts in Texas; (Wonder if Mexico would like this part of Texas back?)

Christian World Adoption: for their involvement in "harvesting" practices in Ethiopia and their blind ambition to "save" each and every "orphan" in this world;

Larry S. Jenkins: for his involvement in nearly every case where father's rights were violated;

Joint Council on International Children's Services: for promoting the interest of adoption agencies at the expense of children, and pushing agency friendly legislation in Congress;

Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute for giving their seal of approval to persons and organizations that promote the interests of the adoption industry and pushing agency friendly legislation in Congress;

Council on Accreditation: for their lack of research done on inter-country adoption agency histories prior to giving out Hague accreditation;

American Adoption Congress: For failing to remove state reps who were openly working against open access for adult adoptees;

American Civil Liberties Union of New Jersey: for opposing open records for adoptees and "protecting" closet moms, based on a "stack of anonymous letters" claimed to be from "birthmothers".

Christian Alliance for Orphans: for promoting the business interests of adoption agencies through churches.

Southern Baptist Convention: for passing resolution no. 2 , pushing the business interests of adoption agencies to the members of their church;

Adoption.com for systematically banning voices that oppose current adoption practices and their continuous pro-adoption propaganda;

Scott Simon: for his vomit-inducing book “Baby, We Were Meant For Each Other” and his grotesque crying and blubbering about his purchasing of another human being;

WE TV: for their hideously exploitative series ‘Adoption Diaries,’ turning what is a highly emotive and complex topic into ‘reality’ show fodder.
 
And the adoption-affected ask, because the adoption-affected dare, "WHO will it be?"  I can't wait for the results.

Only Women Bleed

Alice Cooper's song was meant to be about physical abuse of women by their spouses and significant others. I used to see it, though, in the context of my experience as a Natural Mother. I menstruated, therefore I was a female who proved to be fertile. I bled on a monthly basis until I became pregnant and I bled from the wounds of delivery after my children were born. This is something men don't have to endure. When I was "one of those girls" in the early 1960's, we couldn't even prove that the father of our child was, indeed, the real father. ALL of the blame, shame, isolation, punishment, shunning, and abandonment was borne by the unwed mother. Very few guys got any fall-out or flack from their sowing of wild oats.

I received a message from an adopted person, yesterday. She's a lovely, intelligent young woman who has been struggling with the rejection she received from her natural mother over a decade ago. While the biggest part of me has trouble understanding this mother's reaction, there is a part of me that wonders just what mom did go through in those days back then.

I wonder what happened that shut off that part of her that carried and gave birth to this adult child. I wonder if there was a trauma that was laid on top of trauma. And I wonder if it was at the hands of a man against a powerless girl. It happens too often and is discussed too seldom. I think that is why I came out with the fact that I was raped. It was my just my luck that it resulted in another pregnancy, but there are many of us who were date-raped after losing a child to adoption. I also know that there were a few girls, here and there among the inmates of the homes in which I was incarcerated, who were abused by close family members and impregnated. I can remember the sick, horrified feeling I got when one of them casually mentioned being raped, on a regular basis, by her own father.

I often find myself thinking about all of that horror and injustice whenever I hear of a mother who has refused a relationship with her adult child. I also know that everyone is different. What one of us may survive with just scars, others never recover from and carry open wounds for a lifetime. Some just don't have the courage to face the pain of the memories they have carefully buried. Some fear losing the life and the family they have built since their loss. Some just never got over the shame and still want to hide their past (perceived) sins in a locked vault. But others..I just can't help thinking that there are some who are hiding a horrific secret...one that they cannot face without a fear of losing their sanity or worse.

Some are survivors, some aren't. Some go on to live and some go on to float on the surface of life without ever venturing into the depths. Denial can be a real bitch. While I don't think it is healthy to live in the past, it is equally unhealthy to fear and regret it. Once things have happened, they are irretrievable. You can't make them "unhappen" by forcing the memory down into the dark parts of the mind. The fact of what happened is always going to be there. You can't run from it or hide for long. It will turn up again and some coping mechanisms hurt others as well as yourself. That makes me think of the adage, "wherever you go, there you are."

We leave a trail through life. Each incident, each joy, each crisis, is a footprint in the soil of our existence. For too many woman and their children appropriated for adoption, there is a hitch in the trail, a side trip of pain. Some deal. Others hide.

Maybe some women have just bled too much.

On A Bender Over Gender

The post, yesterday, where I was not very kind to Rod Stewart, Natural Daddy, brought out a lot of interesting comments. I was informed that, sometimes, the mother is the villain. Well, gee. I kinda knew that, in a minority of cases, that does happen. Silly me not to have mentioned it. You will be glad to know that my reconsidered opinion of the Rod Stewart situation....has not changed one whit. In fact, it has become even more my considered opinion, the more I learn about it.

This is more than just one isolated incident. We Natural Mothers have been watching, with growing dismay, as we get all the blame and the Ndads become the greatest, gosh-darned people on the earth. You would think that adopted people would better understand the concept of being abandoned, since they accuse us Mothers of that so often. Actually, it feels, sounds and seems to us that many adopted people are saying, "It's just peachy-keen for Daddy to have his fun with Mommy and then treat her like dirt, take off like the hounds are after him and put her in the position of having to surrender for the sake of her child's survival and her own because, if he comes out and says he is our Daddy 40+ years later, that makes him a great guy."

Someone once referred to the adoption equation as an uneven square with two sides (facilitators and adopters) being the winners and two sides (adoptees and natural mothers) being the losers. I am starting to see a lop-sided pentagram here because the pappies are definitely on the "win" side. As far as I am concerned, anything that either of the fathers of my two oldest have to offer me or them would be too little and way too late.

The connection to the Natural Mother is the more intense one. Ndads didn't give birth and then have to render their coerced signature giving up their rights. Our children emerged from our bodies and the mother has a mystique that is almost religious. So, if a Mother, abandoned by the father of her child, isolated from the support and comfort of her family and reeling from the litany of dire threats to her child's survival and her own, surrenders, then it is all her fault. Daddy can always lie (and many of them do) and say he was never told. BULLSHIT. In many cases, if daddy wasn't told, it was because Mommy knew it would be water off a duck's back and that she could look for no help from that corner. Believe me, kiddies. The vast majority of them knew and too damn many of them ran like scared rabbits.

For those of us who, like Susannah Boffey, were very much in love with the fathers of our babies, that makes the rejection of us and the infant created from that love even more painful. Stewart had his first chance when Susannah told him she was pregnant. He blew that one. He had another chance to acknowledge his daughter in the 80's but declined and blew that one, as well. NOW, when he is aging, looking for good PR and a way to keep his career afloat, he acknowledges his daughter. So, does that mean that the third time is the charm? It sure doesn't make him out to be the good guy or the hero.

I think this young woman needs to re-examine the reasons she and her Mother "didn't get on." Her adopter, who left everything to her natural son and nothing to her appropriated daughter, was still living and Streeter was still in full obligation and loyalty mode. Perhaps Susannah had refused to lick butts and humbly apologize for what she was perceived to have done wrong. Perhaps the conflicting loyalty issues were a problem. But this woman tried like the devil, for months, to keep her baby. She had to have been under enormous pressure, not the least from Stewart, and got backed into the proverbial corner. There are different sides to this story and, in the story of the reunion, we have only heard from one side. Excuse me if I keep an open mind and even make some educated guesses.

It is the difference in our genders that makes it easy for the male to scoot and leave the female holding the bag, as it were. For the man, it is a momentary pleasure. For the Mother, it is her body, her instincts, her pain, her life in jeopardy when giving birth. Believe me, for most of us, after going through that, surrender was the LAST thing we wanted to do. We are the ones who are penetrated, who bleed and who have our bodies and psyches prepared to nurture and protect. We are the ones who will sign a paper if it means security for our infants. Read Rohan McEnor's article about why Mothers surrender if you want to understand it better. The patrichial nature of our society allowed the fathers to get off, scott-free, while we carried the shame, the blame and the weight of pressure from parents and social workers, family and society.

Whenever I think of the father of my oldest child (the second one doesn't deserve a mention..I was relieved not to have him in my life), I often think of this verse from Linda Rondstadt's version of "Poor, Poor Pitiful Me." While tongue-in-cheek, it is accurate, barring locations.

Well, I met a boy out in (Spartanburg *)
And I ain't namin' names
But he really worked me over good
Just like Jesse James


Yes, he really worked me over good
He was a credit to his gender
He put me through some changes, Lord,
Sorta like a waring blender.

I am fortunate in that both my surrendered children see and know the true nature of their Natural Fathers. And I will stand, foursquare, behind any Natural Dad who steps up to the plate and wants to keep their child in the family and/or gives respect and support to the mother. I am overjoyed to see this kind of behavior on the part of fathers becoming a trend. And the Natural Father who acknowledges his adult child, right off the bat and tries to make amends to both his child and the Mother of his child has my grudging respect.

But I will be doubly damned if I am going to look at the picture of a man more than forty years out of his child's life, who has already forfeited two chances to make the grade, who smiles at the camera with his arm around said adult child's shoulders and think, "Gee, what a great guy." This geezer has a baby on the way by a current wife that is younger than his adult, reunited daughter. He's a player.

Sorry, but I don't see a hero or even a good guy, there. I see a guy who thinks with his "little brain" and tried to get away from the responsibility of that action and who is trying to salvage something, now. Excuse me if I sound a bit bitter over this one. I have a right to the feeling.

Like I said before, too little, too late.

Frustrating Daily Distractions and Other Injustices

It seems that, often, I will be on track with a blog theme, only to be distracted by life, daily crisis and other topics that catch my eye. The news, especially that being circulated on Facebook, is full of things to fill my brain and short-circuit synapses. Some folks say that the absent-mindedness that hits people in middle age is really just information overload and distractions. I think that's a workable theory.

It's good, I guess, that if I have to lose one perfectly good idea, another is there to take its place. But it still frustrates me, and I am further frustrated by the topics I do retain. There just ain't no justice.

I'm talking about the latest story making the rounds about Rod Stewart, aging rock star and, surprise, Natural Daddy. I'm not surprised. I was never a fan and I found his music to be mostly hormone-laden anthems to sex, getting it, keeping it and indulging in it. I admit to liking "Maggie Mae," but it's the music that is good. The lyrics are just every young guy's wet dream of the sexy older woman "keeping" him. Now he's hanging on with old standards and showing his "nicer" side.

Yep, old Rod has finally, at LONG LAST, stepped up to the fatherhood plate and I have to wonder about his motives and the inclinations of his reunited daughter, Sarah Streeter. Susannah Boffey, her natural mother who was definitely not helped out or supported by Stewart when she was finally forced to surrender her daughter, is the designated goat, here while Stewart has become his daughter's hero. This is the father who wanted her mother to get rid of her. I wonder if money has anything to do with her attitude? So Streeter couldn't get along with her Mother (this probably all went down before the adoptress passed away) and she has been summarily dismissed, even though her Mother tried, for two months, to be both mother and father to this child when she was an infant and was defeated in her efforts. Stewart refused to acknowledge Streeter when the reunion began, back in the early 80's. So NOW he is coming around?

WHY IS IT that mothers get the bulk of the dissing and blaming and the fathers get many pats on the back for DOING WHAT THEY SHOULD HAVE DONE IN THE BEGINNING?? This frosts my hide. It doesn't take a hero to say, "Yes, you are my child." All it takes is a real man with backbone and with a modicum of respect for the mother of their child. For some reason, a strutting, self-involved rocker has landed on his feet with this one and Mom is out in the cold.

I just want to let our adult children know that many of these good old daddies who will "acknowledge" you do so because it isn't any skin off their back, anymore. These are the same men who, as boys, probably, ran off and left your mothers to go through the most traumatic experience of their lives. These are the guys who came up with too little, too late, or nothing at all. They abandoned us.

In my mind, the father who steps in at the beginning, such as the father of Grayson Vaughn (read more at firstmothers forum) is the one who deserves the kudos. The Rod Stewarts of this world didn't have to go through the fear, the frustration and the heart-breaking defeat that the Mothers endured. Nope, they didn't and I don't care what anyone says, I will never believe they suffered more than a minor twinge. These goatish ones of whom I speak were too busy trying to make big bucks and get laid as often as possible. Muy Macho, huh? The responsible ones, the REAL men, hung around and married the Mothers.

My frustration is compounded by the fact that there is still the double standard operating today. We're still the ones who are responsible for all the pain of the adopted person and the fathers, who were 50% of the conception, are suddenly Jim Anderson, Ben Cartwright and Ward Cleaver, all rolled into one just for saying "yes, you're my child." F*** that! Right now, my fondest wish is that Sarah and Susannah will  find some common ground and be able to have a relationship.

And Stewart owes the Mother of his oldest daughter a HUGE apology. Do you think, Mr. Rock Star, that you, in all your short, preening, banty rooster glory, might be able to manage that?

The Flip Side of The Flip Side

My friend, Musing Mother, posted an interesting blog about the best and the worst among us. She cited my previous blog about Liza Minelli. She then went on to speak about the ongoing battle between the PAPs who are presently in custody of the boy, Grayson Vaughn and his natural father, Benjamin Wyrembek. This battle is gone into with more detail over on Firstmother Forum, by Lorraine Dusky and Jane Edwards.

There is a lot being said about father's rights, these days. I certainly have respect for the father who steps up to the plate, admits paternity and want to be included in the responsibility for his child. I guess that number is increasing but I find it odd that, now that unwed mothers are no longer seen as shameful sluts, the number of fathers that come forth has gone up. In my day, very few fathers had the respect they should have had for the mothers of their children. In the case of Musing Mother and a few other friends, that was there. Her boyfriend came and tried to rescue her and their son. Quite a few dads stuck by their girlfriends even after they had been coerced into surrender and eventually married them. To me, that was all too little too late, but it was more than I got from the fathers of my two surrendered children.

Let's get that second baby out of the way first. There is no more disrespect any male can show any female than to take what she doesn't freely give. That is a no-brainer. He saw me as soiled goods who had the temerity to say no, so he felt justified in asserting his manly might. Yeah, right. Thank God for rape crisis counseling. The pain of the loss of my son that was conceived of that encounter far outweighed the pain of the violation. Besides by the time it happened, I was at the point of believing I deserved no better.

The real story for me and for many disillusioned and abandoned unmarried mothers of the EMS is the one concerning the father of my firstborn. When I saw the movie, "The Dark Knight," of all the villains involved I was disturbed the most by Tommy Two-Face played by one of my favorite actors, Tommy Lee Jones. Yes, Heath Ledger created a memorable Joker, but Tommy Two-Face gave me chills for a while. His constant battle with himself was classic. I realized that he reminded me of the father of my firstborn and that was some insight I would rather not have experienced.

I really think that, in his own way, he loved me, but he was young and a mill hill bad boy. His values were the same as the rest of his Bible Belt neighbors even as he flaunted his disregard of them as the teen rebel. That meant that, in his mind, there were girls you married and there were girls you f*****. I started out as one of the first and wound up the latter, in his estimation. Even though he was the one who pushed the idea of a sexual relationship, when I caved in and said "yes," I became unworthy of his respect. He was, I think, confused by his own feelings. Even though he denied paternity, and lied about me and tried to convince everyone that I was promiscuous and untrustworthy, he kept popping into my life, wanting to see me, I thought just to use me, but I know, now, that there was a little bit more. He was having trouble reconciling having real feelings for "that kind of a girl." Well, didn't it just suck to be him? When I was in the hospital awaiting surgery to remove a congenitally defective kidney, he called to make sure I was OK. How he found out I was there, I will never know.

But, I learned, after a lot of hard work, that being wanted and loved is great, and it is even nice to have someone concerned about me, but it doesn't mean diddly if there isn't some respect on the plate, as well. When I got married the first time, it was to someone who was grateful for the attention of an attractive female. His self-esteem was pretty low, as well. We didn't respect ourselves or each other and that made for some pretty nasty early years until I started getting a handle on what I really wanted to be for my children and for myself. We are both better off and have more respect for each other now that we are divorced.

I had very little trust for men. Add in the fact that my father deserted us for 9 years of my childhood, and you can see how the behavior of the father of my firstborn really compounded the problem. I'm not really sure how I regained it and, perhaps, I still hold some trust back, but I am comfortable now, in my own skin and with my husband. I can feel his respect and consideration as well as his love and desire. It's a killer combination.

So the fact that fathers are stepping up to the plate, now, is great. But they have a long way to go to make up for how things were and they are going to have to prove themselves to me, big time. When the men who participated in the engineering of our tragedies from the EMS stand up and take responsibility, then I might regain all my trust.

We have been the ones to take the brunt of the punishment, grief and pain. We are the ones who are seen as the "abandoners" by our adult children when most of us just flat had no frickin' say in the matter. We are the ones who receive the anger and vilification of our adult reunited children, even as they say they love us. And the fathers? Well, it seems the double standard is alive and well and many of these adult children think they are just the bee's knees. Many times, this comes at the expense of the mother. It wasn't beneath the father of my child to lie before she was born and it wasn't beneath him to lie, again, when they met at reunion. Luckily, she believes me.

So c'mon Daddies. I'd like to see more than just caring for your offspring. I'd like to see you do them the great service of showing a little respect to their mothers. I've had passion and I've had respect. I'd rather have both but if I had to choose, I'd go with the latter. Thank Goddess and my wonderful husband, I don't have to choose.

Reunion and Expectations

I watched as an old friend and her surrendered daughter took their seats on the reunion roller coaster this past weekend. They are already learning why it is called the roller coaster. It is a combination of exhilaration, fear, mild to moderate nausea and many ups and downs.

I call what happens first after the initial pink cloud, "hitting the wall." That's when the realities start to sink in. For the mother, it is knowing that the relationship is never going to be 100% mother and adult child because the adult child has a history with other people she considers her parents.

The mother has to deal with decades of suppressed grief. We were denied the opportunity to mourn our children when we lost them. When all that grief bubbles to the surface, it can take us down like a blow to the gut. Finding peace and acceptance of what is and what was while building a new relationship with the adult child of our body is a difficult task. The fact that we also have tried to make lives for ourselves and often have other loved ones who need our attention can further add to the emotional weight.

For the adult child, there is the realization that there is no "closure" or resolutions of emotional problems with reunion. We can't fix each other. It causes a severe case of anti-climactic shock for many. Add that to the problems of loyalty and sense of obligation they can feel for their adopters and you can easily see why the adoptee is torn, confused and looking for something more. My friend's daughter is in the stage where she wants to be with her mother all the time. She wants to make up for lost time and that is something none of us can do.

That time that is missing is gone forever. The young woman who gave birth to the adult child is no longer young, is often plagued with the various annoying medical problems of the middle-aged and aging and has a journey of her own to take. We get shocked back to that young woman who was so abandoned and desperate and sad beyond belief. That's quite a trip to take when you are getting up in years.

The adoptee has to deal with the reality vs. the feelings. Even though they know, with their adult minds, that most were neither unloved nor abandoned, there is still a small child inside wondering why mommy didn't want them. If they were told lies during their years growing up, it is hard to decide who to blame or if anyone is to blame. They also have to deal with, in some instances, hostile and insecure adopters whose love might, unfortunately, carry conditions.

Often, the adult adoptee finds it easier to deal with found siblings than with the mother who has such a bigger-than-life presence in their psyche. They have their fantasies about the mothers just as we have ours about our children. On both ends, we usually find normal, fallible people with all the baggage of life. Each of us, mother and adult child, have a power to hurt the other without even meaning to do so. Many of us are guilty of trying to read things into what the other says without accepting that they might just simply mean what they are saying. We're as tender as new growth in the Spring. Hyper-sensitivity can become an issue.

The stories of their conceptions and births can often also cause an adoptee extra angst. That especially goes for those whose mothers were raped or were the victims of incest. Knowing that their fathers deserted their mothers in their time of need and that their grandparents were not receptive to keeping them in the family can hurt. Again, this is something they can understand intellectually, but is a hard emotional blow.

Even if the mother welcomes the adult child with open arms and heart, there might be others, usually the father and some extended family, who are uncomfortable with reunion and don't care to participate. That can cause heartache for both mother and adult child. People are still awfully funny about adoption mythology.

Then we get back to the adopters. They can deep-six a reunion faster than anything going. The insecurities, the fact that they could not give the gift of life to the adoptee, the fears that the adoptee will like the natural mom more than them can, many times, make them behave in a hostile, demanding way. I remember my daughter's adopter saying "Thank you for S***. Now this reunion nonsense will cease!" I quietly told her that I was going to leave that up to my daughter. She managed, for a while, to really mess with our reunion. Like it or not, the adopters are all the adoptee knew and they fear losing the only anchor in life they ever felt they had.

We never know what we will find at the end of a search. For some, on both ends, it can be rejection. For some, it is a grave and that is very hard to take. For many mothers, we have found damaged adults who were either physically or emotionally abused or were in a very dysfunctional situation. We were promised two full-time "parents" for our babies and we learn, years later, that there was divorce, infidelity, alcoholism, financial problems, distant, cold adopters..in other words, the exact opposite of everything we were promised by the ones who did the emotional coercing. We often also find that there was no truth to the blithely told tale of adopters waiting at the agency to immediately take our children. Most, if not all, were in foster care for months before they were placed in adoptive homes.

The biggest injustice the mother or the adult adoptee can do themselves is to look to the other to fix or resolve their issues. That resolution comes from looking within and taking time to work through things. A little honest but respectful communication helps. Even our raised children learn that there comes a time when they have to find their own answers.

We can give each other information and reassurance. We can give each other unconditional love. What we can't do is fix each other. Reunion is valuable but it isn't the answer. It isn't the end of the road but the beginning of a new one.

If I were to give any advice it would be to not take yourself too seriously while on this reunion journey. It's dramatic enough without adding to it.

And What About Those Daddies?

With apologies to Mason Williams, composer of "Classical Gas" and author and performer of "Them Poems About Them People," one of the funniest albums I have every listened to, here is my paean to some of the EMS Dads. Not all were as bad as the ones who fathered my two oldest, but that was definitely an issue of the EMS...the "putative father" denying it all and the father on the OBC and social work records  listed as "unknown." Of course, that made us sound like promiscuous sluts. It was also easier to process the surrender if the father was listed as non-existent. There were lots of immaculate conceptions or "she went and got herself pregnant" going on. Neat trick, huh? I wonder how we managed that one.

How About Them Boy Daddies

How about them boy daddies, off on a run,

Before them girls' dads grab they shot guns?

Goin' to they buddies, gettin' them to lie,

Ain't no DNA yet, so they ain't gonna fry.

Them fast-talkin' boy daddies from way back then,

They had fun and they girls had sin.

Tellin' them whoppers, blamin' they girl,

Boltin' to the trees like a dog-scared squirrel.

How to be a boy daddy? It's a lot of fun,

Get a girl pregnant, take off and run.

Of course, this is a story that is repeated quite often. A girl falls in love and trusts the words of love, so soft and tender, that her beloved whispers in her ear while trying to get his hand up her skirt. Or, during an era when the girl was the one who was supposed to be in charge of saying "no," some would-be stud would refuse to take that for an answer and there was no such thing as date rape back then. Not all the guys were this reprehensible, but a good percentage of them were. The guys got away with a nudge and a wink while we were isolated, and stripped of our self-esteem, any support and, ultimately, our newborns. Along with that, we had to deal with the heartbreak of being abandoned by someone we loved or violated by someone we trusted.

Fast-forward to some reunions and there are some dads who still refuse to acknowledge paternity and/or refuse to even see their adult child. In the case of my daughter's father, his wife gets rabid over anything to do with me, including the child that was born well before she became his girlfriend or his wife. He is still trying to live the lie he tried to tell 49 years ago. I wonder if he realizes how pathetic that is?

The idea that, now, many fathers have no problem taking responsibility for their play times, even to paying child support and being a part of the child's life even if they didn't marry the mother, that fatherhood can be proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, by DNA matching, just boggles the mind. But what really still tears at my serenity from time to time is the fact that boys were just being boys and we were sluts in the minds of the society of the EMS. Anyone thinking that the sexual revolution began in 1960 for all of us is not viewing history as it was but seeing things  from today's perspective.

Now, I know that some of the boy daddies of today still try to exit, stage left, boot-scooting into lies and accusations. But, they can't run very far if the mother wants to prove paternity. That's one of the reasons why I cannot understand anyone who surrenders in the present day because of lack of support of the father. Hey, you can make that asshole pay! All it takes is one, court-ordered DNA test and here comes the child support. An imperfect system, that court-ordered support, but much better than what we had in our day. And if he dumped you, hey, pride doesn't pay the bills but a monthly check helps.

So,to all the fathers of the EMS who did, at least, try to take responsibility and help, kudos to you. You were ahead of your time.

To all the rest, bite me, jerkwads.

PS: I just couldn't let this post go by without showing my favorite MW "them poem."

Them Doodle Dashers

How about them doodle dashers, ain't they jewls?

Jumpin' out o' bushes, waivin' they tools.

Jumpin' out o' palm trees, jumpin' out o' shrubs,

Leapin' out o' flowerbeds, waivin' they nubs.

Look at them doodle dashers, ain't they queer,

flagin' they tally-wacker, then disappear.

Them ever-lovin' doodle dashers, ain't they pearls,

Waivin' they doodle-knobs, at them girls.

How to be a doodle dasher? Well, you don't need a ticket;

Get your doodle rod handy, jump from a thicket!

 

 

Sorry, I couldn't resist. RW