Sunday, March 14, 2010
Ugliness; My Mama Told Me So
Online, of late, I have seen enough ugliness to last me a lifetime. Mothers accusing other mothers of something they didn't do, just because we don't follow their line of thought is bad enough. But what we are hearing from some of the adopted people is so hateful and ugly as to be grotesque.
One commenter on a previous blog described it best, so I quote; "at one time, I believed that first mothers and adoptees had common ground, common interests, that we could work together. but it is being called an "abandoner" and being the target of anger, that more than anything has convinced me that there is little or no common ground.
e.g. -- what one mother had said on one message board:
"... sometimes a mother had as much choice in the surrender as a rape victim has about being raped. Just as coerced sex is rape, no matter what type of coercion is used or at what point the victim states 'No!,' coerced surrender is not a 'choice.'..."
response from adoptee: "Yeah. And we all crawled out of our mother's hoo-hoo and put OURSELVES up for adoption, right?... Givemeafuckingbreak."
and "Your birthers are victims crap doesn't fly here."
and, as with previous similar comments, all other adoptees showed with their tacit silence that they agreed.
so, sadly, I am no longer convinced that there is any understanding or common ground between the two groups, adoptees and natural parents. Maybe not even enuf for open records or adoption reform."
I wonder if the people making these comments about mothers realize just how petty, infantile and ugly they sound? Their logic suffers, as well. The vast majority of us from the EMS WERE coerced into surrendering. It is historical fact. When there is no choice given, none can be used. It was the facilitator, the industry that "put you up for adoption," We didn't give birth and boot you out. Many of us fought, argued, begged and bargained in order not to lose our babies. This is why we use the term "surrender." We were backs to the wall and waving a white flag because it was ALL WE COULD DO, Givemeafuckingbreak, too.
And yes, us "birthers" (what a horrid word) did suffer pain. Who wouldn't when they are told, persistently, that they would be toxic to their own child if they kept them? There was not only the grief of loss, but the pain of being made to feel worthless, unfit and abandoned by family and our babies' fathers. So your denial of the mothers' pain crap doesn't even get on the runway, here.
We have come to a bit of an impasse, here. Or, as was said in the movie, "Hud," "What we have here is a failure to communicate." said the chain gang boss as he held his rifle in his hand. The adopted people who have assumed this ugly, viscious persona will find little to no cooperation from mothers. How can we, when we are treated as if we are OBLIGED to roll over and let you walk across our prone forms? (And I have a word or two for a couple of mothers and adoptees on that "Obligation" idea.)
So, as noted by the commenter, some of us are dropping out of the fight and seeing to our own issues. What's the use when we are disrespected and reviled, not only by adopted people, but some of our own sister mothers as well? It's lose-lose before we can even get a good start. And to our sister moms who don't mind being used as rugs and feel that mothers are less worthy than the adopted person, and who will take on the label of abandoner with a sweet smile...GROW A SET!
OK, Kiddos...say bye-bye to Mommy. Bye-Bye.
PS: PLEASE SEE MUSING MOTHER'S MOST RECENT POST!!