Sunday, May 30, 2010

News Flash!!


UP (Uppity Broads) News Service; Ima Ditz, Sr. Reporter

5:43AM, Washington, DC. A group of women describing themselves as Senior Mothers from the Era of Mass Surrenders stormed Congress demanding that a hearing be held into the past injustices done to unmarried mothers in a time frame which they describe as an era of wholesale baby-theft and discrimination against the single mother. Our nation's leaders and lawmakers responded quickly and as expected. George, Teddy, Abe and Tom were among the first to respond.

The mothers were told that "someone would get back to them" and they were given a brochure on infant adoption awareness as they were escorted from the floor of the house of representatives.

Film at 11.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Head "Em Up, Move "Em Out

I don't think I have had my sensibilities more offended than just this past week when I ran across a group on Facebook get this...."BirthMom Buds." Headed up by an educated but still vapid Barbie clone who calls herself the "Queen BM," this group shills for adoption in the name of anti-choice and Gaw-ud. Now, I have seen some awesome floaters in the toilet bowl, but I had no idea they had a hierarchy, much less a queen. Is excrement like ants or bees? Let me also note that a companion site carries a very obvious and saccharine ad for Adoption Agency (baby-market) services.

Not only that, Queenie has a hard-on for Ron (GAG)Paul and disrespects our current Chief Executive in his name. I wonder if she would like to bear Ron Paul's love child? All in all, this chick is a Texas Bush-Baby with only one wing and it's on her right side. Rush, Newt, Glen, Dubya and Sara and the gang must be so proud.

With the professed purpose of helping young mothers who have surrendered to cope with their grief, using such profound wisdom as, "it's okay to cry," the site reveals itself as another one of those agency/church shills. And golly, gee! It tells these poor, women, that they are heroines who "gave the gift of life and also gave the gift of parenthood to a poor, childless couple." Aren't we generous, though? This kind of counseling is nothing more than keeping an industry-induced and church-approved fantasy alive in the psyches of these poor moms and offers platitudes and proselytizing to ease the pain. Good luck with that. These things are, at best, temporary placebos.

In the old stockyards, there was always one cow, goat, pig or whatever animal was slated for *chuckle*  humane execution that would lead the others into the chute. The fact that this amiable creature was betraying others of its kind was evidenced by the title of "Judas Goat." Same thing here..led by the blond, Bible-toting/Kierkegaard-quoting cheerleader, they line up to get their dose of "what a wonderful mother you are by doing this" sledgehammer in the back of the head.

Of course, it will probably be a few years before they realize that they have been slaughtered. Some will come to that realization when the Wonderful Adopters they Chose slam the door shut on that open adoption agreement which isn't worth, in most states, the paper on which it is printed. Others will watch their child grow up, calling another woman "Mother" and the pain will surface like Moby Dick coming after Ahab. At that time, every platitude and trite adage they have been fed by their beemommie buds will be ashes and dust against the real grief. Others will be snapped into reality by the hostility of their adult child wanting to know why they were not worth keeping.

But hey, you've got all these morality mavens using a literal Bully Pulpit and telling you that Gaw-ud is on your side and Jeee-seu-uss approves and you will earn stars in your crown. You'll hang on to that junk for a good while, like a drowning person holds on to the idea of rescue. The smarter you are, the longer you will be in denial because you can con yourself and make it all sound rational. I was there for over 30 years. But I finally realized that there is nothing rational or natural in separating a mother from her child. And, knowing my scripture, I figured out that neither the Almighty not Jesus ever said or did anything advocating infant adoption. Oh the fundies twist and text-proof and "interpret" but they can't really back it up using the Bible.

"But I wasn't ready!" you protest, to which I have a response and a question. Response: No matter how well planned a pregnancy might be, no one is ever, really ready. This is something that is in your body, soul and hormones and you do what all natural parents do..respond to your instincts and learn as you go. Question: If you weren't ready, then why didn't you use that to which we Senior Moms had no access, a little something called birth control? It's out there and all you need is to take the time for a short trip to your local department of public health.

The "I wasn't ready to be a mom" argument also brings up another thought. What do you think your body was doing for you for those nine months? Anyone? was getting you READY. Now that's a miracle for all to see. Back before birth control, mothers just accepted their babies as they came and really didn't think about whether they were ready or not. Now, I see adoption used the same way it is preached that abortion is after-the-fact birth control for convenience's sake and so some can save face by saying "at least I didn't abort." That and a dollar will get you through one of the toll booths on the highway.

To address the situation where rape or date rape is a factor; Guess what? Me too! My second child was conceived in violence but gestated and delivered with love. I should not have had to lose him, either. I had already lost my first child, conceived in love (I thought) and it was no less painful to lose my son than it was to lose my daughter. But I had no choice. You younger moms do, for Pete's Sake! You have resources and support that either did not exist for us or remained hidden from us. If we were given "do-over's" in life, believe me I would be checking out the options that would allow me to keep my babies. Of course, I didn't know bupkus back then and trusted the adults in my life a little too much.

Finally, the idea that you BMB's are preventing abortions is ludicrous. Those who do not want to be pregnant will abort and you will never see their faces. The so-called alternative to abortion is NOT adoption. The two do not go together. The alternative to adoption is keeping and raising one's own child and is to be preferred. But when one's head is full of the slick PR of the agencies and industry and the emotional drug of religious fervor, logic and what is right and natural seem to be left in a pink fog of that "Gee Whiz" factor. Sooner or later, that fog dissipates.

All the Judas Goat got was a reprieve from slaughter. I wonder what the Queen BM Judas Goat gets per head per pregnant woman?

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Semantics And Insults

You know, there are times when we all are silly and childish. Regardless of our age, we all still have that impulse to stick out our tongues and yell "neener, neener" at our foe du jour. But sometimes, it gets past childish and into ridiculous.

For that reason, and because I am just worn out from living a busy and eventful life, of late, I backed off from posting for a few days. But now I want to address some terminology. Would that it were unimportant and just a matter of semantics. You know, to-may-to/to-mah-to and that sort of thing? But, some language matters and here are a few terms that are in a state of contentious debate.

ADOPTER: It is on the legal papers and in the textbooks for social workers. It is not an insult. It merely means "someone who adopts." And, it is a bit easier for many of us natural mothers to say rather than "parent/mother/father." Why should we acknowledge a legal and emotional attachment when our natural bond is ignored and belittled?

BIRTHMOTHER: Coined by Pearl Buck and adjusted by early CUB members, it became an insult and still IS an insult. It relegates us to the realm of pure biological function, faceless and without feelings that should be considered, a convenient womb. It is used, pre-birth, to define a woman who has yet to surrender in order to lead her in that direction and diminish her motherhood. It's also a bit cutesy and saccharine, say, when used on a Facebook page called "Birthmom Buds." It's hurtful when used to isolate us, again, such as in "Birthmother's Day."  GAG! I cringe whenever I hear a woman introduce herself as a "birthmom" and wonder if she really thinks so little of herself. But, again, that is how I and quite a few others see the term. You can call yourself a purple dildo or whatever floats your boat as long as you don't call me a "BM."

ABANDONER: A person who abandons a child, does so by leaving that child where it can be found or, by just leaving the child, period. A mother who turns her child over, with legally-approved process, to the false promises of an agency or social worker after being convinced that she would be a toxic parent with no future is NOT abandoning that child. She is doing the only thing she feels she can do to assure her child's survival and well-being. Her back is against the wall and she is without hope. Yeah, yeah, I know about feeling abandoned, but you can work that out with counseling. Meanwhile, you respect us, we respect you. I am not an abandoner and I don't play one on TV. Plus, unlike "adopter," abandoner gets spell-checked as a non-word.

ANGRY: Well, what? If it bothers you, then don't be angry. I don't fear an emotion because I am in control of what I do with it and how I express it. And that's all anger emotion. I don't see being called "angry" as an insult. My anger energizes and directs me and some expressions of anger can be very stress-relieving (some close friends know what I mean, here, heh heh). Stress makes one sicker than a bit of anger ever did. Sorry, but being angry is not a character defect.

EMS/BSE: The Era of Mass Surrenders, aka, the Baby Scoop Era is a real, historical and shameful part of our American past. I will not argue time parameters. But I will argue sheer numbers of women treated like criminals for being pregnant. While not all mothers from this era were coerced, we make up the vast majority. Not only coerced, we were isolated and punished as if we were delinquents. Then, to save our souls/psychological health, we were relieved of our newborns. It happened, it was real, it WAS.

STINKA-PADINKA: My favorite pet name for my dog. I just thought I would throw that one in there. And I and Mr. Einstein say, "Have a nice day. Neener-neener."

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Both Sides Toasted

I've been accused of being "anti-adoptee" just because I object to being told I am responsible for the feelings of adults who are not even my children. I am told I lack compassion and understanding because I think the attack against and stereotyping of mothers  is as unfair as the withheld rights of the adopted adult. I am tired of being called an "abandoner" and having my feelings and needs seen as secondary, so that makes me the enemy? I think that makes me a woman who stands up for herself.

I held on to a lot of "stinkin' thinkin'" for years and sucked my past like a thumb. At some point, it behooved me to get past it and stop making people who were as screwed up as I was the goats for all my problems. All I am asking is that the understanding and compassion go both ways. If I were "anti-adoptee" I doubt I would have the decent relationships I have with my reunited children. But I am only the mother to two adopted adults...not all of them. I don't deserve the insults and I know hundreds of moms who don't deserve them, either.

I hate it when a natural mom rejects her child. I also hate it when a mother is mistreated by a resentful adoptee...and YES it happens with regularity. I have seen mothers have to tearfully take out restraining orders against their own flesh and blood because they feared for their safety and that of the rest of their family. But I sure don't call all adoptees "abusers and stalkers."

The enmity towards mothers is really heavy and downright nasty, but how dare we call anyone on that? See, that is the attitude that is totally anti-mom. Not only do we get the blame and the nasty names but it seems we are supposed to sit back and take it. We are supposed to allow our wounds to be opened in order to bleed a bit more just to satisfy someone whose mother was not as loving or accepting as she should have been? What is fair about that? What about understanding and compassion taking into account that we are attacked on a daily basis by strangers who are the same age as our children just because we are natural mothers? That compassion is supposed to go both ways.

We all suffered and continue to battle a terrible injustice, BUT, we can either try to do something about it or shut up. Pity parties don't get the job done and that is directed as much at moms as at adoptees. Being indignant about an injustice is a lot more productive than feeling sorry for oneself.

The blame game is making us ineffective, allowing the industry to manipulate us and keeping us at odds. All I have asked in the previous post and this one is that we just try to grow past that sad stage of indicting and name-calling and realize that both of the main parties to this ignoble social experiement were and are treated unfairly. I think the time has come to stop allowing others to govern our self-images and our emotions. So what is so anti-adoptee about that? I think it is good, healthy advice.

There's two sides to this slice of bread and both sides were thoroughly toasted. But no one says that we have to lie down on the plate and let anyone smear us with marmalade.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

"Made to Feel" What?

I would love to pass on a lesson I learned, and almost learned too late in life, that allows me a bit of peace of mind. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." After a lot of work, reading and counseling, I came upon the simple fact that no one can make anyone else feel anything without their permission.

Let's take the mother of adoption loss as one example. When we were younger (many of us in our teens), it was easy for us to be influenced by what others thought of us. I bought into the shame, figuring I was some variety of the lesser, slutty, delinquent sinner. That was THEN. I finally grew up and learned the truth. I not only learned it, I assimilated it, I believed it and I started treating myself accordingly. Though hard to work through, I realized that I had allowed the assumptions of others to keep my world rocky and harsh. I looked outside myself for my happiness and self-worth and never thought to look inward. It was right there all the time.

I had stuffed down years of anger until it became clouded and self-directed and very, very toxic. When I allowed expression of all that anger, the dark parts, the ones that said "poor me" went the way of the Dodo and I was left with what I call justified indignation at the injustice done to a large group of vulnerable young women and their babies. I also realized that I didn't deserve the derision and judgmental attitudes I received. I was okay then and I am okay now. It was a revelation on the order of the discovery of fire. I could feel what I wanted to feel. I could be, as Abraham Lincoln said, as happy as I had a mind to be. I could allow others to feel what they wanted to feel without being threatened by that or hostile if it was counter to my perceptions. Blessed freedom!

Now, I read a comment, yesterday, that was prefaced by the words, "the adoptee is made to feel...etc." If every other adult in the world is expected to be responsible for their own feelings, why not the adopted adult? It's not easy to change, but listening to the old tapes of a child trying to make sense out of the unnatural situation of adoption does no one, not them, not their natural mother, not their adopters or anyone else any good. It just keeps the flames fanned and the message mangled. The work it takes to incorporate the truth into one's emotions and find one's own road to self-acceptance and peace is hard but worth it.

It was the reaching of clarity that allowed me to direct my indignation at the source of my trauma. The adoption industry, a Puritanical society, a social experiment and a self-serving government along with the coveting of my flesh and blood did this to me and I didn't deserve it. I cannot blame my mother..she genuinely thought she was helping me. I can't blame myself. I was young, ignorant of what was happening and terrified. I can't blame my blameless children. None of these are responsible for my emotions. My feelings are, now, totally up to me and my understanding of what was and what is.

The truth, for the vast majority of adopted people, especially those from the EMS, is that they were NOT abandoned, they were NOT "throw-aways," they WERE loved and wanted and Mommy is not a heartless slut. Unfortunately, a few of us are still the frightened girls hiding in a woman's body. They are the ones still in hiding. Conversely, there are the adult adoptees looking for a punching bag and someone to blame. Those who go among them, especially mothers, need to tread warily.

Well, I am stating the Natural Mother's Declaration of Peace and Freedom. I am responsible for no one's feelings or attitudes or actions but my own. I cannot make you feel anything without your permission. In fact, I don't want the responsibility for anyone else's emotional welfare. It's an impossible burden to bear and a lose-lose situation for all concerned. When you were an innocent baby on the adoption auction block and I was a frightened, desperate, uninformed teen mother-to-be, shame on them for what they did to both of us. But now that we are adults, if we harbor low self-esteem, enmity or stereotype all moms or adoptees or drink/use drugs/overeat/etc., "to forget" or otherwise abuse ourselves and others, then SHAME ON US!

We have a common enemy, the ones who are truly responsible for the grief we suffered from our separation; the sealed records laws, the industry and those that stand to gain from this heinous act of separation of mother and child. Let's go after them and stop trying to make each other the answer to our problems, angers and sadness. And let's live and let live. We senior mothers are fighting our own battle. We don't need to fight anyone else, especially our children or each other.

Let's all grow up.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Meant To Be, My Foot!

In the Old Testament, Sarah, barren after many years of marriage to Abraham, tells him to take her handmaiden, Hagar, and get her with child which they would raise as theirs and would give the old fellow an heir. Hagar was the first surrogate-to-be. But God took issue with that arrangement and, lo and behold, in her 90's (if the myth is to be taken literally), Sarah conceived Isaac, which leaves Hagar and her son, Ishmael, out in the cold. That Abraham was a cold dude.

If you read the Bible, you know they put a lot of emphasis on blood lines in the more ancient texts, and natural children of both spouses were favored over the children of concubines and mistresses. Moses was watched over and "wet nursed" by his own natural mother and reverted to his own people when he observed the cruelty of the Egyptians to the Israelites.

Even Solomon, when testing the ultimate love of a mother, decided that the prostitute, who was willing to give up her child to save his life, was worthy of continued motherhood. Jesus protected the woman "taken in adultery" and said, "let him among you who is without sin cast the first stone." (John 8:7)

This is why I cannot get this "meant to be" and "ordained by God" idea that church-based agencies push about adoption. I named my oldest child Sarah. Her adopters named her Sara. Because of that, the adopter told me her adoption and the "as if born to" section meant that it was "meant to be" and "the work of God." As I remember, it was the work of the social workers, society and the church that took my children. To paraphrase Dickens, "There was more of coveting than covenant" in that tragedy. God/dess didn't have a dang thing to do with it.

Usually, I keep my posts about the interference of religion in the legal system of our nation on my other blog, "Slightly Left of Center,"  but I am getting so sick of people twisting what they call the Word of God to facilitate their agenda that I had to shake a finger in their face and say, "Shame on you!"

Jesus taught tolerance, compassion and love. The intolerance of his followers leaves me aghast. I doubt that the Son of the Almighty would have demanded that a mother surrender her child because of her so called "sin" of loving not wisely, but too well. Hell, his mother was single and pregnant with him. From what I have read, he understood the human condition and felt empathy and love for all of us.

Of course, along came the post-crucifixion apostles, such as Paul and John, and these guys really twisted the message. From the Paulist writings and John's so-called apocalyptic visions came the fundie Puritans who were so fanatical that they murdered whole villages who did not agree with their theology. Just as the mythical Adam and Eve were kicked out of Eden, so were the Puritans invited to leave the British Isles. Lucky us, we got them and their heritage.

So I defy and argue that specious idea that God is behind adoption. I am sure that God/dess looks favorably on those who take in children that need care, but trying to change what She has wrought is a bit presumptous and arrogant of humanity. I also believe that God/dess would look with approval on those who work to keep mother and child together. Gee, that would go along with the idea that natural heritage is important. Ya think?

I think the biggest insult to the natural family is that misnamed "Angel In Adoption" award give out by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption. Angels don't do adoption. Self-serving, pseudo "experts, toadies to the industry and adopters, and the very misguided do adoption. So, with that in mind, I might suggest that SMAAC and other organizations institute the "Angel in Natural Family Respect and Preservation" awards each year. Anyone who has ever received the AIA award would be disqualified from this award.

While we are at it, we could also have the "Baby-Step Pratfall" award for those who worked to push through dirty records access bills and the state legilators that passed them. There could also be the "Golden Egg" award for the most vacuous, insipid barfmuggle of the year. The acceptance speech could be one thanking those who gave her child a "better home." (Pass the dramamine)

Adoption is an industry, one instituted and run by human beings. There is nothing of the Divine in it. To say so is not just sacreligious. It's arrogant.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Jesus and Yoda on Anger; Kick Your Ass, They Would

They should write a book called "The Wisdom of Yoda." He was a pretty smart, 900-year-old, alien, Jedi warrior puppet, if you ask me. When it came to anger, he knew when to lose it and when to use it. Wanting to rid the universe of evil and make life safe for all species, justified, it is.

I am a Star Wars fan and have seen all six films at least twice. There are always nuances I find. Aniken Skywalker was anger shamed and turned into self-interest and obsession. The Jedi and rebels used anger as a sword against injustice. As I have said before, anger is nothing more than an emotion. How we use it and direct it is what makes the difference between toxicity and energy.

I have to wonder at those who fall prostrate at the feet of the celebrity, pop psychologists and never question their broad sweeping statements. Just as they have managed to make a perfectly good word like "victim" a bad thing, now anger is in their gun sights. So, how do they explain the righteous indignation of Jesus Christ as he laid about himself with a whip to drive the money-lenders out of the temple? "Whoops! Looks like the Son of Man lost His grip there?" Golly, what WAS He thinking?  Could it be that he was trying to right a wrong?

Musing Mother has an excellent blog. today, about this issue where she cites a very pertinent paragraph in Bradshaw's "Healing The Shame That Binds You."  I loved this part of the quote because it echoes what I have found to be true in my life.

 "Anger like sexuality is a preserving emotional energy. Anger is the self-preserving feeling. Our anger is an energy by which we protect ourselves. Our anger is our strength."

I can remember when I was afraid of my own anger. Just as I feared my sexuality as being "not nice," I also labored under the misconception that a real lady never became angry. It wasn't until I entered treatment for my eating disorder that I discovered that I had been sitting on a volcano of anger for most of my life. Stifling it was what was toxic and what had led me to abuse my body with binging and purging. Moreover, the things I was angry about were justified. What a concept!

I no longer apologize for my righteous indignation and that is what it is...righteous. And I reserve a special portion of that indignation for Internet Bullies parading about as some kind of absolute expert on adoption loss, mothers' and adoptees' right and whether or not there was an EMS. I also get a bit miffed at the anti-mom contingent who take upon themselves the mantle of head, high hand-slapper. They need to watch it because increased self-esteem and good counseling have given me the strength to slap back.

So, to speak in the learned manner of my little, green, light-saber-wielding hero, "Mad as Hell, I am, and take it anymore, I won't!"

And, as Jesus observed, "I can't believe these people are selling their crap in church!" 

Monday, May 10, 2010

Abortion Isn't The "Worst" Reproductive Choice

Wow! I have always known this in the back of my mind, but this article by Keli Goff in the Huffington Post laid it out in black and white. It is wonderful to hear someone else say they have noticed this about our society. In writing about the new Supreme Court nominee, Ms. Goff had these words of warning for Ms. Kagan when approached with the big "A" question.

"Question for you. Today what is the most controversial thing a female candidate can say?

A) I had an extramarital affair.
B) I am gay.
C) I do not want to have children.

Or forget a female candidate. What about the female spouse of a candidate, or a female vying for a major appointment, such as to the Supreme Court? Fifty years after the pill was created to empower women to take their reproductive choice into their own hands, I would argue that the answer is still C."

So would I, Keli. Isn't it so weird to realize that, thousands of years after the myth of Abraham and Sarah (of "Give me a child lest I die" fame), that women are looked askance upon if they decide that motherhood is not their bag? I have always wondered how much of that yearning for a child has come from the natural desire for a species to reproduce itself and how much of it is induced by social mores and demands.

I remember asking both of my childless aunts why they had no children when I was in the first grade. Neither of them seemed insulted by the question and their lives seemed full and happy so I never felt sorry for them or felt that they were anything less than the wonderful women they were. But, and this bothered me a lot, I heard others refer to "Poor Irene" and "Poor Fran" as if they were somehow handicapped by their childless state.

It didn't bother me that they hadn't given me more cousins. That just meant more goodies for me for Christmas and birthdays. Some of the best times I can remember from my childhood were times I spent with these two ladies. I named my first-born after one of them.

I have a few friends that have remained cheerfully childless and it has never occurred to me to see them as less than feminine or less than caring women. If I'm honest, I envy them, just a tiny bit, for their carefree lives.
My former brother-in-law and his wife made a conscious decision to remain childless and they are happy and have a great life. I asked Nancy, when she was sitting in the floor playing with my kids, why she wasn't planning to have a family. Her answer was that she loved children but she didn't want to live with them 24/7. She also said she figured there were enough kids around, already without her adding anymore. She didn't elaborate any further and I didn't push it.

I have since decided that it is none of my business why any woman has no children and chooses to remain with none. Would that others felt the same way. If women could come to be respected and admired for more than their wombs, I wonder if this business of adoption would have as many customers? I also know women and men who have never married yet they never seemed to feel that they needed a partner to complete their lives.

So why should a woman feel incomplete, "less than" or a failure if she doesn't conceive? It behooves me to blame the patriarchy for this one. I can't help but think about an old movie where they were trotting out captive women on the slave block and the slave trader says, "Ah, this one has wide hips and full breasts. She could give you many little slaves." I have read histories of ancient times and  those attributes were what men looked for when seeking wives. Look at the Earth Goddess Gaia with her pendulous breasts, thick hips and big belly and you will see why women were both feared and revered by prehistoric man.

We, who choose motherhood, can do something no man can do and I believe there has always been as much uterus envy as there ever was "penis envy." With their brute strength, men set out to control our reproductive lives and, to a great extent, they are still trying to do just that, often with the help of women who cannot feel complete and whole within themselves. It's a shame that many of our own gender can't see the forest for the trees on this one.

Fertility is not our identity, individually or as woman-kind as a whole. There is so much more to all of us than just that. I know...some will say, "It's easy for you to say that. You have had children." Yep, I sure have and, while I wouldn't take a trillion dollars for any of them, I also know how a life can be constrained by motherhood. I also know that none of us are perfect at the job. Children are hard work and are not social decorations.

We give our daughters dolls and tell them that the most wonderful thing they can aspire to when they become adults is motherhood. It is in the media, in the schools and in the literature of ages and ages past. Yet you let nature take its course a little early or before the house and car are paid for or before the ring is on the finger and motherhood becomes the veil of shame and the mother becomes unfit and unworthy. On the other hand, if a woman is unable to conceive, she is also seen as "less than" and someone to be pitied. Double standards seem to be the norm for us.

In pops the hand of men again, because how can they know, unless they "own" the woman, that the offspring is theirs? Well, fellows, we have a nifty little thing now called a DNA analysis. It pretty much beats the old paternity tests by a mile. So you would have to be responsible for your share of that child's conception and,
with you taking responsibility, mommy wouldn't have to provide an infertile woman with a child. And, if we were truly an advanced civilization with respect for all our people, the childless woman would go about her life without needing to predate on her sisters.

So, what does this say about us? To me, it says we are still huddling around a fire in a cave, wearing animal skins when it comes to social and emotional development. We are still superstitious, elitist, chauvinistic and scared to death of our own animal natures (and we ARE primates).

It also says we have a lot of evolving to do. Funny, isn't it, how the oldest fossil of early humans is female yet all the evolutionary models are of males? Think about that one.

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Happy Senior Mother's Day!

1945..The year I was born....Having our children back, safe and sound is more precious than gold. Motherhood is never deleted naturally...only legally and that is questionable and execrable. Motherhood begins with that  physical and emotional bond as our children grow within our bodies and stays with us for the rest of our lives. As Irving Berlin wrote, "Oh no, they can't take that away from me." To all the Natural Mothers from the EMS/BSE "Happy Mothers Day!!!!" We earned it!

Saturday, May 08, 2010

Oh No!! Not Again?! Barfmuggles Day Rears Its Ugly Head

Through the year, I am mostly able to forget about that abomination called "B****mothers's Day." Here, again, are the crumbs thrown to the breeders to try to make them feel special and it grinds my garters to a nub that any mothers of adoption loss would fall for this crap.

I wish I could just sleep all day, today, and not have to come across the inane and sugary and fricking insincere sentiments online. You want to honor the woman that gave birth to you? Do it on HER day..Mother's Day. You won't be taking a thing away from your adopter. After all, she has you and your mother doesn't. And for Goddess' sake, if you are an adopter, DO NOT "thank" this woman for her "precious gift." Gifts are silver picture frames and vases of flowers....NOT babies. Saying "thank you" for a child is like saying we actually wanted to give you our child and that, m'dear, is anything but the truth.

Unfortunately, there are the good, little beemommies among us who buy into this sad satire. They honestly still believe the industry hype and think that they are sooooo special. They also don't see the brainwashing that has been done to this society, starting with the EMS, and really think they have made some kind of well-informed choice. Well, goody for you if you feel that you made the ultimate mother's sacrifice and are a heroine. See how that feels when your child is honoring his/her adopter and his/her chair at your table is empty. Good luck with that heroine thing.

For the majority of us, especially those of us who suffered the overt coercion of the EMS, Barfmuggles Day is a farce, a sham, a shame and an empty sentiment. I'll take my chances and get my kudos tomorrow. I don't want to be "remembered" as a breeder for the more worthy and a vessel for the entitled. I carried both of my taken children in my body, felt them move, held them when they were born, named them and love them, to this day, with a mother's heart, even when they show their butts. That is NOT just a walking uterus. That is a real mother.

I guess the industry and their customers felt they had to do something for us, seeing as how we didn't die or disappear like we were supposed to. Some, I am sure, well-meaning mothers started this observance as a recognition of our motherhood. But the "Triadinists" have taken it and run with it in order to look like they have regard for us. Hell, most of them don't even feel compassion. I have had one woman who adopted tell me that women like me were her worst nightmare. Well, lady, the feeling is mutual. You and the social wreckers and the morality police and the industry are the reasons for many of my abrupt, heart-pounding awakenings.

I have been insulted, ignored and threatened by the adopters of both my adult children. I have had my hand slapped by adoptees, adopters and other pro-adoption mavens for telling my truth without shame. And I'm still here. I didn't do a dramatic "Camille" and expire with grace and secrets intact. I can hear hundreds of adopters and PAPs saying, "Bummer" at that one.

So take your Barfmuggles Day and stick it where it could cause a serious, gastrointestinal blockage. This MOTHER is getting her goodies tomorrow.

(I just HAD to include this with many thanks to Karen D. who quoted "As a great movie line from "The Red Shoes" states: it is much more disheartening to have to steal than to be stolen from, hmmm?")

Friday, May 07, 2010

I Remember Mama

I really miss Mama and Mom. One was gone too soon. My mother was only 46 when she died, suddenly, of a brain hemorrhage caused by an aneurysm in December of 1968. My mother-in-law, lovable and infuriating, passed away a year ago at age 94 of natural causes, as well. Funny, but it felt like she was gone too soon, even though she was over twice the age my mother was when she died.

No matter how old you are, I don't think you are ever ready to lose your mother. I was 23 when I lost mine. My husband was 69 when he lost his and I loved her almost like my own. My two oldest children were infants when they lost me. Losing your mother sucks at ANY age. Babies just can't tell you they are in mourning.

 I am now a part of that generation that has no living predecessor. All grandparents, parents and now, all my aunts and uncles are gone. My husband has one living aunt, age 85. We are the senior generation.

When I was a kid, I remember wearing a red rosebud pinned to my dress to church on Mother's Day. My mother wore a red rose corsage as well. Then, one Mother's Day, my grandmother came out from her room wearing a white rose. My great-grandmother had passed away the summer before. That was when I was introduced to the "white rose orphans." It was the first time I understood the meaning of the red versus the white roses. I looked around at church and saw a lot of people wearing white roses. All of them but two were older, many with gray hair. There were two little boys, there with their father, who wore white rosebud boutonnieres. They had lost their mother to cancer.

Then, there I was, years later, getting ready for church, pinning a little red rose on my raised daughter's dress and then reaching into the box and taking out the white rose corsage I had bought for this day. It was a painful moment and, now, years past the church-going and rose-wearing, I still feel that pinch in the region of my heart on Mother's Day.

Mother's Day was as hard for me as the birthdays of my daughter and son. I would find myself wondering if they were thinking about me and wondering, too. With the sudden loss of my mother, it became a day that I put on a mask of happiness for the sake of my two raised children. For me, for many years, Mother's Day equaled loss and grief. Believe me, all the little hand-made gifts and cards from my raised children are preserved with pride and loving memories. I've already received cards and wishes and flowers and little gifts from my children, all of them, and will get phone calls on Mother's Day and a lot of the pain has been eased. But I still remember Mama, and Mom, and Grandma S. and Gramma K. and all the other family members that are gone and I know one thing for sure..Mothers, families and children are NOT interchangable and are sorely missed when they are gone.

So Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers and children. Connect if you can and remember the mothers that are not with us. I miss Mama.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

There They Go, Again!

Just when I am able to pretend that certain people with certain ideas do not share this planet with me, I am reminded that they are still around, still running their version of "The Flat Earth Society." Their version is, "There was no such thing as the EMS/BSE and no wrongs were committed then and it's not important, anyway," club, with, sadly, mothers from our own generation in the membership lists. They really don't like us SMAAC moms.

I wonder how they get anything done on the things they DO think are important. Some of them are so busy jumping our case with their annoying lectures whenever we dare to mention the crimes against the mothers of the EMS, that they couldn't possibly have enough time to do what they think SHOULD be done. They are too busy trying to be the Natural Mother's Thought Police. Whenever anyone decides that they are the ultimate expert and the go-to person about all things adoption, I put on my high-top waders because it's getting deep in there.

I am an expert about one own experience as a mother who lost to adoption during those "bad old days." I was there to know what was done, how it was done, how many were there with me and how it affected me and those with whom I have communicated in depth. I am neither senile nor stupid. Yes, Mirginia, there WAS an EMS and yes, it needs to be brought to the attention of the nation that allowed it to happen. You don't have to like it, but stay the Hell out of our way while we try to do our job as we see it or expect to be called out and challenged.

The thing is, if the opinion the distaff side holds is that the now is more important than the then, that's okay with me. But could you do me the same courtesy? You work on the now, we'll work on the then, our kids will work on the OBC access issues and maybe we can not trip over each other while doing what we must.

But, if you try to cross me, impede me or sabotage me or SMAAC, there will be no words minced and no retreats. You're not going to persuade us, dissuade us and you sure aren't going to get away with subtle coercion. We've already had our share of the overt variety.

I have a lot going on, right now. I am a SENIOR (what part of that don't they understand?) mother, with a senior husband and a life that I would like to live out with dignity and a taste of justice. Sorry if that concept licks all the red off your candy, but that's the way it is. Meanwhile, my daughter is ill, my husband has a chronic condition, I am slowly recovering from surgery (from which I would have bounced back like a rubber ball 20 years ago) and my dog is receiving cancer treatment as we plan to move 5 states north. Don't expect me to be sugary sweet right now. The pupal case is open and I have morphed into Maxine on wheels.

Time is short. I'd say it would be best not to waste it trying to convince everyone else that you are the only show in town.

Wow, I just realized that I have attained curmudgeon-hood. Yay!!

Monday, May 03, 2010

Adult Responsibility

I think the thing I hate to hear from anyone, when someone has been rude, crude or cruel is "that's just the way he/she is" or "he/she is damaged by (adoption, traumatic potty training, seeing grandma naked)." Those comments might very well explain their actions, but they don't excuse them. There is no excuse for hatred, bigotry, cruelty and pure rudeness except, perhaps, advanced senility or severe mental illness.

We all suffer or have suffered. If I had been given a choice, I would have chosen another father. But I got what I got and I had to grow past it. No infant, raised OR surrendered ever has a choice about anything, so that particular whine is irrelevant and laughable. Should we be taking surveys in the hospital nurseries or perhaps we should get the opinion of every ovum and sperm cell?  I  have been abandoned, molested, raped, had my children taken from me, been through poverty, divorce, the suicide of my stepson and homelessness. Oh, and my sixth grade teacher, a real psycho, slapped me. Gosh, does that mean I can be nasty to people and it will be OK?

Right! It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? Every time I see a TV show where the psychiatrist says, "tell me about your mother," I want to barf. There comes a time in our lives when we, not our mothers, fathers, adopters, neighbors, siblings, or anyone else, are totally and irrevocably responsible for our own behavior. It's called adulthood. How we treat others is OUR responsibility and to say that we have a right to call people nasty names or denigrate anyone because of something that happened to us as a child or infant is whining cowardice. If you are going to be an asshole, then OWN it. Don't blame mommy.

People point to some one's childhood, say a person whose parents divorced when they were young, and say that this is why they murdered their neighbor. How many people had divorced parents who DIDN'T murder their neighbor? They used to use this one, the single parent, as a yardstick with generalizations about how the children of unmarried mothers grew up to be felons. They didn't include the children of long-married parents who landed in the slammer. Statistics can be skewed just like Bible verses and made to prove any point you think needs proving.

This "MeMeMe" attitude is getting old. I cannot say how much I appreciate people who can be civil, agree to disagree and not feel they have to blame all their snarkiness on something from the dim past and other people they don't even know. If you are going to place any blame, make sure you get the facts and the person right. Don't just throw it out at everyone that bears a faint resemblance.

I have a friend, not connected to adoption, who has read some of the items where we mothers are blamed for everything from hangnails to Uncle Joe's drinking problem. He called what he read "emotional masturbation." I call it childish and inexcusable. To any who want to "give the other side of things," or "add perspective" or "participate in lively debate," let me say that the negative posts that have actually come into my comments box are anything but these things. I either get excuses for how these people behave, or I get nastiness. One mother, one I thought of as a sister in this situation, posted me one of the most gratuitously nasty comments I have ever read. She's blocked. So, it's not just our children.

I want to be able to state the case of the Senior Mother with respect (well, not to the industry) and receive that same respect in return. We have valid issues as do adopted people. They do not have to be mutually exclusive and we have as much a right to be heard as anyone else.

So to the Snarks, Hissers, "Birther"Haters and the just plain mean-spirited, either back off or grow up.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

And Why Should I Give A Damn?

I am sitting here, nursing my second cup of coffee and thinking about my friend and what she said last night. She told me about how tired she was of going to sites like Yahoo Answers and Craigslist and seeing us moms called "abandoners." For her, it stung because it just isn't the truth. I am so sick of hearing about the "feeling abandoned" from that little group of adopted people that I could barf. I feel 25 and slender but, when I look in the mirror, I see the truth and I accept and embrace it. I didn't abandon my kids and I wear trifocals, false teeth, have wrinkles and wear a size 18. I live with that, just fine, thank you.

I have learned something about seeking vengeance and that is what this hatefulness is all about. It is about striking out at an imagined foe, many times without checking all the facts. It's about wanting to put all dogs down because one dog bit you, or maybe just barked at you. Actively seeking some one's come-uppance can be hazardous. Often, it will turn around and bite you in the ass, while the person against whom you seek revenge is untouched.

This anti-mother, all for the adopted person, MommyMartyr, hit-me-again-please, I'm-gonna-get-you-beeyotches, melange of strife and angst is getting tiresome and I agree with my friend on this one. It's like elevator music. It becomes cloying and annoying and totally ennui-inducing.

I often wonder why I even care. I am reunited with both my surrendered children, 17 years now. I have a good bit of my paperwork from that horrible time. I am past any guilt that was put upon me by others and am over the angst of reunion. Why should I even bother with blogging about this?

It's simple. There is a difference between seeking revenge and fighting for justice. Recognition of the wrongful tragedies of the EMS is justice. Open access to the original birth certificates for adopted adults AND mothers is justice. Standing tall, evidencing self-respect and courage in both mothers and adopted people is the ultimate justice. And what is it that they say about the best revenge being a life well lived?

So, it seems that I care about justice and respect. Not bad values, considering all that life has dealt me. I want the same thing for my sister mothers and our children. Being free from guilt, martyrdom, resentment and vitriol is a good way to be. It makes for a much nicer life. And to our adult children; for everyone of you who had the nmom from Hell, I can show you 10 that had loving, caring nmoms who were persuaded that they were toxic to their children and had to give them up to save them. I know adopters who physically, sexually and emotionally abused the children they adopted. Does that mean that all the people who adopted you are like that? Should the adults who survived this kind of horror say that all who adopt are monsters?

There's so much infighting, self-interest and pure snarkiness going on that the messages, i.e., justice and no more sealed records, gets lost in the noise. This is what adoption has given us and it is the gift that keeps on giving with boxes of rancor and sacks of self-pity. I have rejected that for myself and I don't want it to be the lot of my sister mothers or our children.

We are on the road to our retirement home in the hills by the running stream. We are no longer constrained by bosses, deadlines and the need to keep up with the Joneses, Smiths, MacAlillies or Mortons. I could just lay back, decline internet service, get out my easel and my books and my fishing rod and take it easy. I certainly wouldn't miss the losing of friends over non-issues and the venom of people who don't even know me. I definitely would love to never have to hear the term "abandoner" again. So, why should I give a damn?

I don't know but I do.

Saturday, May 01, 2010

I Am A WHAT??????? Revisited!

I am re-posting this because this subject, just like the proverbial bad penny, keeps re-emerging on public forums like Yahoo Answers, Craigslist and other places. It seems that there are adopted adults who refuse to give up erroneous concepts and their precious hatred and anger. That anger is some kind of security blanket. I was abandoned by my father when I was five. Does that make me special and does that mean I can malign all fathers? I don't think so. Here is the original post.

I no longer feel safe within the larger community of mothers of adoption loss. The anger of the adoptees and the unresolved guilt of many mothers, especially those who did not go on to have other children, has allowed a new label...Abandoner. The vicious, hostile sound of that reverberates in the heart of every mother who was coerced and/or forced to do what she was told was the only possible thing she could do for the well-being of her child.

I sat at my laptop, in a motel, last night and read some of this crap and almost cried in frustration. Adopted adults are demanding that we place ourselves in the path of legal jeapordy because they suffer from "emotional abandonment." Let's see..I suffer from the emotional perception of lack of riches so maybe we need a law to make me a millionaire. Everyone, whether they contributed to my particular financial state or not, would be forced to feed the kitty. It doesn't matter that I am solvent and my needs are being met. I feel emotionally poorer than Bill Gates so that is enough, isn't it?

Then there are the mothers...women with whom I felt a bond of sisterhood for having endured the same horrible situation and loss. But these women seem to be so overwhelmed with guilt or so enamoured of the idea of self-sacrifice that they are content to be seen as abandoners and feel that we must offer our last drop of blood to the adopted people of the nation. NO, to these women. I DID NOT ABANDON MY BABIES!!!!!!!!!!! How can a kid who is under the control of her parents, frightened and confused and made to carry an unbelievable load of shame be a willful abandoner? And, whether you agree or not, willful is the only adjective that will suffice in the true definition of abandoner.

It doesn't matter what we were compelled to sign or had those awful papers signed for us. It doesn't matter what the emotional perception of the adoptee might be (especially the rejected ones who want to hate all mothers). It doesn't matter about the unresolved guilt and desire for martydom of these mothers. What matters are the facts and, if one is emotionally sound and sane, the facts will translate into the proper emotions.

About 30 years ago, I realized that I had problems and I decided to do something about them. I went into a program for eating disordered people and I learned that I was operating on old, childhood misconceptions and old tapes running in my head. What I had to do was to learn to correct the misconceptions and burn those old tapes. A simple concept but certainly not one easily accomplished, I still wanted to be at peace and sane so I had at it and guess what? All that guilt and misguided sense of carrying the responsibility of the happiness of the world on my shoulders went away, bit by bitter bit. I am certainly not emotionally perfect, but I am sound enough in my self-image that I refuse to pick up a burden just because it is thrown at me.

The size of my world is getting smaller and smaller. Right now, there are just a few mothers that I can count as friends and from whom I get genuine support. There are also a few adopted people who see the truth behind the harsh and harmful lies and I can communicate with them on an equal basis. Other than that, my husband, children, other immediate family and my little dog are it. Trust is a valuable commodity and a few former friends have lost mine. I grieve the loss both I and they have suffered.

I am not the mother of all adopted people. I do not carry the responsibility for the happiness and satisfaction of all adoptees. It is psychopathically hateful the way we are spoken to and about by some of these "adults." I have reunited with my adult children and we have our own situations with which to deal but we deal on a mutually respectful basis. Hey, try it. It works.

Moreover, just because Mary Lou and Sally Ann are having a grand old time pounding their breasts in true martyred-mother style, doesn't mean I feel constrained to join the guilt party or should. I'm disappointed in so many of my sisters who would sacrifice themselves rather than demand respect.

Were it not for the few notable people I have mentioned before, I would be feeling very alone and unsupported. I wonder how long it will be before I stop caring?