Wednesday, November 30, 2011

November 30th..The Day of the Mothers

Today is National Strange and Mournful Day, an observance that began in response to the designation of November as National Adoption Awareness Month. We mothers wear our ribbons all month and tell anyone who asks what they mean. The last day of the month is an observance of the validity of our motherhood and the dreadful nature of our loss.

I came up with the name because certain lyrics from Paul Simon's "Mother and Child Reunion" resonated, so deeply, with me. All through this past month, many Exiled Mothers have been wearing our ribbon badges of black for mourning, red for righteous indignation and passion for our cause and white for hope and healing. Some of us will adorn our ribbons with the birthstones of our children that were taken for adoption. I have a diamond and a pearl for my ribbon....April and June are the months in which I gave birth to, and was forced to surrender, my two oldest children.
While we refer to the lyrics of Simon's wonderful tune, this observance is not about reunion, but about the devastating effects of loss to adoption on the mother. I have high-lighted the pertinent lyrics in red and boldface.

music and lyrics by Paul Simon

No I would not give you false hope, On this strange and mournful day,
But the mother and child reu-nion, Is only a motion away,
Oh, little darling of mine, I can't for the life of me,
Remember a sadder day. I know they say let it be,
But it just don't work out that way. And the course of a lifetime runs,
Over and over again.

No I would not give you false hope,On this strange and mournful day,
But the mother and child reu-nion, Is only a motion away,
Oh, little darling of mine. I just cant believe it's so,
And though it seems strange to say, I've never been laid so low,
In such a mysterious way, And the course of a lifetime runs,
Over and over again.

But I would not give you false hope, On this strange and mournful day,
When the mother and child reu-nion,
Is only a motion away.

While most of the support groups online for Mothers of adoption loss tend to deal with the ups and downs of reunion (and God/dess knows, it is a rough ride), SMAAC is focused on the pain and injustice of our ordeal leading up to and including the "Strange and Mournful Day" when we realized our babies were lost to us.

So today, on the last day of what we now call "Adoption BEwareness Month," we honor ourselves and remember the injustice of the EMS/BSE and renew our determination to be an active and vocal part of bringing justice to the mothers.

And to my daughter and my son that were lost to me in those dark days, always know that I loved you and losing you was neither my choice nor my wish. Some day, some how, some one is going to have to make restitution for what was lost to us. Not in dollars, but in acknowledgement, atonement and public awareness of the pain and the dark underbelly of the adoption myth.

Happy Strange and Mournful Day, Sisters. I am so sorry you had to suffer this

*I wanted to add this post script to this repeat article. It is just in the last year that I have realized the full import of the loss of my children. I am and will always be their mother. But something twisted happened when they were raised by other people and it is my sad realization that my babies are gone forever. In their place, are people who share my DNA, but not my values or vision or cultural orientation, who look like me, but who don't really know me for who I truly am. Surrender is forever and adoption is the great destroyer of the person that might have been. My children are tied to mothers who never knew them on that deep, cellular level that is the natural connection and to whom they are unrealistically loyal, even after one of those mothers passed away. It doesn't hurt as much as it used to, but it still makes me angry.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Guest Post; Potent, Passionate and Political

My daughter, Kerry Henline Klein, sent me this message last night. She is without work and times are hard for her and her Significant Other. Being senior citizens on a fixed income,there is little we can do to help. She finally boiled over and this is the result.

Between Thanksgiving and now (not to mention everything else going on in my life) I have a lot to think about. Life these days is hard. It's not easy or fun making ends meet day to day for most folks, especially the older generation and those who do the jobs that most consider beneath them. But we do those jobs to live and help those who are retired and we want to make sure they can live the rest of their lives in reasonable comfort. Then there is making sure the children in our lives have food and an education??? YEA RIGHT! Even a college education you work and pay for yourself doesn't mean you will be able to have a good life these days.

I do remember a day if you worked hard for a day's pay you got a fair day's pay. The last few years I worked for 911 I didn't even get a cost of living raise, yet I had to be there and was expected to neglect my life and family should a huge catastrophic event happen. 9/11 happened... the next few days at 911 dispatch were so quiet. So quiet it was scary. It seems that things have gone to hell from 9/11.

I'm tired of those with money making more money and thinking they are doing the 99% a favor by giving them a job that can't even pay a month's worth of bills. SCREW YOU! We need Kennedy and Clinton back in office together! Back when they were president even the homeless had a chance to get back on their feet! Republicans did nothing but screw what America is SUPPOSED to be at the behest of their corporate owners.

I rarely speak my mind on most political or religious issues, but I am sick and tired of being on the bottom of the pile in the 99%! I remember when Clinton was in office.... life was actually better for the "little" people. We are the BACK BONE OF AMERICA! And when the BACK BONE IS happy.... so should the "privileged" be.... but NOOOOO! They are too greedy and selfish and care NOTHING for their fellow HUMANS WHO MAKE SURE THEY HAVE WHAT THEY WANT...NOT NEED! We struggled to have a good Thanksgiving because of CORPORATE-OWNED REPUBLICANS AND CONSERVATIVES! To hell with all of you! I want my life back! All I want to do is earn an honest days wage and live a normal life.That was what America was about to begin with! Pardon me but... SCREW YOU REPUBLICANS AND 1%! I have rights too! And I'll be DAMNED if I won't take them back, even if I have to take them from YOU!

Start looking over your shoulder... you're about to have to live like a REAL American again.... try WORKING! I'm there and I will bring you down. If something catastrophic were to happen, you would be the 1st to go down.... I have a good chance of surviving.... screw you. 1%... you are screwing yourself by breaking the nation's backbone! That backbone will bite back and take what THEY MADE. You sure as hell didn't nor could you do the really hard stuff! You'd BEST think really hard or you will eventually regret it.

This, from one of the 99%, is a promise... not a threat...a promise. Sleep tight asshats, republicans and the just plain ignorant idiots born with a silver spoon. There will be a day of reckoning, and that silver spoon won't mean S***! And who will you depend on to survive???? Think about it dumbasses. I know I will... I doubt you will, if I have a say in it.

I need my teeth taken care of... I can't come up with the $3000 to have them pulled much less the money for my choppers! I need glasses... I can't pay the $500 bill to get an exam and a decent pair of glasses so I can see properly. I need to go to my DR for other health reasons too many to mention... I IGNORE THEM! If I end up with cancer.... guess what... I die in pain cause I have no insurance. Bet I won't even get a Tylenol to ease the pain as if it will do any good.

Because I actually will work instead of thinking my fellow humans are farm animals to be used, this is my future. Let the tables turn... I would LOVE to see the 1% hold their own! LOLOL!!!! Plant a field...harvest a field... YEAH RIGHT! Sweep a floor, wash your own clothes, grow your own food, prepare your own meals, take care of a medical issue with a little common sense. The 1% could NOT survive without the 99%! Watch out the 1%.... you are going to be in for a RUDE awakening soon! We will NOT allow you to run us down or treat us as slave labor. Our founding Fathers would be sooooo ashamed of you! America is supposed to be a chance for one and all.... you're trying make it a Hitler-type fascist state!

Just wait until you have no one to wipe your ass when you're sick, or cook your food or feed you or grow/buy your food.... you get the drift. Try hemming and mending your own clothes...I dare you. Yes... I'M F****** PISSED AND HAVE HAD ENOUGH! I'm tired of not being able to do simple things that the 1% toss around like candy. Oh... GAS IN MY CAR! FOOD ON MY TABLE! FIX MY CAR! GO TO THE DR! A NEEDED NEW PAIR OF SHOES, A BADLY NEEDED NEW BRA! Need I go on???? I've had it... the gloves are off.

My daughter is proud and has always worked for what she needed. She just wants a chance to work and make the money she needs to live. This is not what I envisioned for my children. I understand your anger, Pooh. I am angry, too and my heart hurts for you. I love you.

Sunday, November 27, 2011


Ah, it is that time again. As we approach the end of November and the Strange and Mournful aspect of our observation of this heinous month of adoption idolatry, another adopter/facilitator/good adoptee searches for, and finds, my old post about what anti-adoption really means.

"GB's Mom" is the latest of the irate, pro-adoption souls to lob the "bitter bomb" at me without even knowing me. GB, in answer to your "comment," you go ahead and stay in your world, as you put it, and I am sorry you are so willfully clueless.

Here is said comment and you should be honored that I gave it this much attention: "GB's Mom has left a new comment on your post "What Anti-Adoption Means": I am sorry you are so bitter. You stay in your world, I will stay in mine." Well, Hell. That sounds like a deal!

Sometimes I see, in these frustrated adoption defenders, the 6-year-old, arguing with classmates and holding on to the myth of Santa Clause for dear life. A glimpse of the true pain that comes with this unnatural separation is too much for some to take. They hold on to the Industry mythology like a life ring in a sea of turbulent truth. The only defense they have is to call us "bitter." AND each one that does so thinks that they are the original with that assessment and are so proud of their bon mot. I tend to get the giggles, now, when I see that "bitter" bomb flying through the air only to be a dud when it lands.

It would be right to call us angry. We have a right to that anger. We were screwed by more than the fathers of our babies. We were placed into the maw of a beast...the social service and adoption industry...and left to sink into compliance by coercion. Not a great way to spend a big chunk of your younger years, I might add. And not a single person has stepped up to acknowledge the injustice that was done to us and to our infants. But we are also survivors who love, laugh and live. This battle is a PART of our lives. It is not the sum total of our lives.

GB's (Can I call you GB's?), don't confuse righteous anger and a desire for justice and change with bitterness. Of course, if you follow that advice, you might learn something you don't want to know. Meanwhile, I have a life, with husband, children, doggies, family and friends whom I love and who love me. I guess they like the taste of "bitter." We're riding out to the coast, today. Excuse me while I go enjoy my bitter life. (That's sarcasm, I say, that's sarcasm, kid!) *giggle

I JUST HAD TO ADD THIS ONE: Someone commented;"Anonymous (of course) has left a new comment on your post "INCOMING!!":

@1:30 Anon: I don't know about her older kids, but I don't think she "purchased her babies from a baby broker." The younger child is from a disrupted adoption. The older child has FASD, among other medical issues. Perhaps the mother that chose to drink excessively during pregnancy wasn't fit to parent?

I understand your pain, I really do, but I don't think she is representative of people that buy babies. I don't think she is the face of your anger. If anything, she is doing a service, taking in (dare I say "unwanted?") children with special needs. I am sure you two can find much to disagree about, but I don't think she should be the object of your scorn for parenting these children.

To which I must say; That's all well and good. But GB'sMom CAME HERE FIRST, with the 'bitter bomb' insult. She got what she deserved. It seems that it is OK for adopters to make any nasty judgment of mothers and those of us who really "felt the pain," but nothing should be said in return? I think not, Anonymous. And, what effort was really made to help any of the families of said children? Do you know anything beyond what she and the social workers have said? If you don't think she should receive any criticism, then you might want to advise her against making such comment about people she doesn't know. RKW

Lisi...I didn't troll GBM's blog. Anyone can reference any open URL on the 'net. As far as I am concerned, this didn't start with me but it ends HERE. On to other things. RKW

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Headaches and Heartaches

I have been sadly remiss in posting, this past month. Between health issues, concerns for family members and the national angst we are all experiencing, the issues of adoption just seemed to take a big, back seat with me. I have had to deal with headaches and heartaches of the personal variety. Adoption is still not numero uno on my agenda, but November has reared its ugly head and National Adoption Awareness Month is upon us. I gag as I type.

My friend, Musing Mother, posted a very relevant and insightful piece on the plight of Mothers from our era. La Dia de los Madres is a take on the Mexican Day of the Dead and that is how I and many others felt after our journey through the surrender of our infants to the adoption machine, back in the day.

I can't help but link those feeling to the feelings many are beginning to experience just being middle-class and poor Americans. We have awakened to the fact that we have taken much for granted and while we were doing so, the greed machine was working overtime. Now, substitute your flesh and blood, the child you carried inside you for nine months, for that lost job, home, income and self-esteem, and you get the picture.

I have my "I am the 99%" button, but I will also be wearing it next to my "Strange and Mournful" ribbon (pictured). I am unable to camp out in downtown Orlando, but I have spent some time there with the local "Occupy Group." I hope there are those who will ask me about my ribbon when I return to wave a sign for a couple of hours. I have some good analogies to use for their edification.

I have always loved November. The promise of approaching winter, the smell of dry leaves on the ground, Thanksgiving with feasting and family...all have special significance for me. But along came this co-opting of one of my favorite months by the adoption machine, adherents and fans and they are doing their best to ruin this month. Well, I won't let them!

November will always be those things I love, PLUS, it will also still be "National Adoption Bewareness Month." Let the one-percenters who reap the bloody booty of the adoption industry put that one in their turkey and stuff it! If there ever was an example of the misuse and abuse of capitalism, adoption, the traffic in human children is it. The nation of the bottom line has brought us to a new low, but it was well on its way in the Era of Mass Surrenders (EMS and/or BSE) .

Let's hope the turn of events on a national level will allow for open minds on this issue for a change. The brainwashing the public has received that allowed this financial fiasco is no different from the mythology they have been force-fed about adoption. Just like Wall Street, Citizens United, The Tea Party and the Dominionists, Big Adoption is just about as harmless and benign as a nest of angry rattlesnakes. And, as many recent news stories from both here and abroad have proven, this Industry is just as corrupt as the rest.

Corrupt, greedy, entitlements for the self-entitled, all these apply. But I will not let this entity take my November from me. I think I will make a new sign to wave. How about, "Screwed by Big Adoption?" Meanwhile, in the vernacular of my generation, I will continue to groove on MY November.

Monday, October 03, 2011

What's Really Important?

I have had little to nothing to say about THE issue of adoption in the past few posts. It is hard for some mothers and adoptees to understand, but, at this point, adoption is the last thing on my mind. Like millions of others, I am holding on to my last shred of hope that we will survive this unrest, corruption and intrusion into our government by greed and religion. I know it has been happening for a while, now, but I was one of those who really believed it would never get this far.

One thing I do know is that there is little to no hope for adoption "reform" and uniform open records if we get a president out of the current batch of Republican wannabes. Even the undeclared GOP candidates make me shudder when I think of them taking the reins of the executive branch. The Congress is a playground for a bunch of greedy children and the future of our nation as the great country it was is in doubt.

Funny how pet causes and personal interest causes can take a back seat when basic survival becomes an issue. People had criticized the "Occupy" movement, saying it is unfocused and unorganized. I have read the mission statement from the Occupy Wall Street organization and it is very coherent and inclusive. A visit to the Facebook Page and to the links provided will give anyone with questions a lot of good information. This and the upcoming election are the issues that now consume me.

It is imperative to me that we keep corporate greed and ANY religion out of our government. I watched the first part of the PBS documentary on Prohibition last night and the folly of trying to legislate religious morality by altering the constitution or making such laws was made clear. Before anyone tries to point out the Civil Rights act, let me stress that there is a difference between making bigotry illegal, an impossible task, and making laws giving all people a right to a decent life. That is what is ethical, not what is dogmatically moral.

The lack of ethics in the financial community and Congress got us into this mess WITH OUR PERMISSION. You say you didn't give your permission? Well, every time we don't vote, or we don't take the time to educate ourselves about a candidate or issue or we depend on sound bites and whatever someone else says to make a political decision, we are handing the government over to these entities.

Now, a lot of good people, who are deeply into their religion, are giving knee-jerk approval to the Dominionists who are hand in glove with the Corporations in wanting to make the government theirs. Our way of life is not all that is at stake. Our most precious and personal rights are in danger of being destroyed by those who would re-fashion the Constitution to suit them.

For a long time, I thought that the populace was too smart to let these theocrats and fat cats pull one over on them. But the rise (and the slow fall) of the Tea Party has persuaded me that I have given many of my fellow Americans too much credit in the common sense department. The main stream media now relates to its audience on about an eighth-grade level. No longer champions of the truth, the media has bowed to its corporate ownership and watered down its message. Education and penal institutions are in the process of being privatized. The dumbing down of America is almost complete.

I don't want this to be the kind of world left to my four great-grandchildren. I am sick of watching my children, who should have been able to do better with their lives than their parents, struggling to hold on along with millions of other. And I am tired of hearing obnoxious media pundits, both religious and political, spouting ignorance and nonsense for the consumption of those who don't want to use the good brain with which Nature endowed them.

What is really important is that we save our nation from the Big Corporate and Theological Brothers and ourselves from a slide into ignorance. It's a simple matter of survival.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

They're There! Where's The Media?

Last Saturday, 2000 people occupied and marched on Wall Street. They have camped out in a park. They are standing up and speaking out for the majority of us who can't be there. This is no longer "life as usual" people. Yet, there was no coverage on any of the major news programs.

We need to complain to the mainstream media. They will cover the nasty little Westboro Baptist bunch, sometimes numbering less than 15 people when they spew their homophobic hatred at the funerals of our service people. But 2000 people, assembling peacefully to see that the truth is heard..they are suspiciously silent. Is this coming from the top where media moguls are wanting these folks to go away, unheard?

This is a movement that is spreading, a movement that doesn't have the deep pockets of corporate mercenaries behind it. It is you and me and young people who can't find jobs and the elderly who are watching their hopes for a dignified retirement drift away. I worry about where all this is headed, but I admire and support them for their efforts.

We are living in a time when, in the name of greed and dogma, people are willing to see our government and our nation go down for the count. We are seeing, to our shame, the man holding the most important position in the free world being treated with disrespect and hostility. And yet he remains a gentleman.

For those whose attention is still solely on adoption issues, let me add my opinion here, for what it is worth. If one of the GOP candidates is nominated and elected, the chances for real reform, open records and the rights of single mothers will go down the tubes. You might as well kiss that goodbye, especially if one of the Tea Party Darlings is elected.

Three years ago, I was elated and joyful that our nation seemed to have overcome racism to the point that we would elect a well-qualified man of mixed race to the Presidency. Now I realize that there were a lot of good old boys and girls who didn't think it would happen and the hatred boiled to the surface. Now I am fearful, for the President, for our nation, for my family, my loved ones and my friends. Something nasty is happening.

The hatred of the teabaggers is a festering boil on the face of the USA. If we seemed ugly to the outside world before, just combine corporate interests with the racism and adamant fundamentalism of the baggers and you have the end of freedom, the Constitution, and life as we know it and our downfall will be very public and very disgraceful. Poverty and hunger will make rebels of many, and corpses of more.

Doomsday scenarios are not easy to take, and I am not saying that the world will end, but it will definitely change, for the worse, if the Republican/Tea Party/ALEC Power Brokers get their way. We can only stop this from happening by making a lot of very public noise and making enough of it that we can't be ignored. The people occupying Wall Street need our support. So here are a few email addresses and phone numbers through which the national media can be contacted. This is just the TV news departments. You can also easily Google the big-name newspapers and they have email addresses to send letters to the editors.

ABC News:
CBS News: Phone: 212-975-4321
NBC: 212-664-4444
PBS/Newshour With Jim Leherer:

Let's get these reporters out there covering this story. I don't want to see these people leave, dejected and feeling they have failed us. Help them.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Dear Republicans

Dear Republicans,

I'm not sure, but I hope I am writing this to a group of real people. You see, I probably am a naive idealist, but I have to think that there has to be a way to get the realities of life across to you. I am a senior citizen. Yet, I still have hope that there is compassion and decency in the vast majority of human beings.

I know you don't want there to be a Democratic president. I fear you REALLY don't want a mixed-race, Democratic president more than anything. But is it fair for you to engineer an economic disaster that will take us all down, except for those of you who are wealthy, just to try to destroy one man? And why do you seem to think that none of us see what is happening and why? I feel, somehow, disrespected as a person, a woman and a senior by the tactics you are using. I am neither blind, brainwashed or ignorant.

In my lifetime, I have seen statesmanship left behind and replaced with political idealogues, I have seen the incremental destruction of everything socially and politically good that came out of the first 70 years of the last century. There are babies out there, on the ground, crying because they have been thrown out with the bathwater. I have seen the decline of truth and the rise of the spin doctor. I have seen a nation grown so lazy that they depend on media sound bites rather than researching the candidates before voting. I have seen an educational system so crippled that it is turning out functional illiterates.

I started out as an activist in the area of adoption, specifically, coerced surrenders of the Era of Mass Surrenders. I always looked in wonder at the attitude of adopters or PAPs who felt they were entitled to the child of another woman, just because they wanted one. Now I see where they get it. Most of you are attorneys that have been elected to Congress and I have never seen such a bunch of self-entitled people in my life, except, perhaps, the corporations and financial fat cats and hedge funders that line your pockets.

Yet you call the pittance that we have worked for and paid into all our working lives an "entitlement?" I call Social Security a promise and a deal. I call Medicare necessary and paid for with OUR money. And I call social programs that help feed, house and educate the less fortunate among us, especially children, COMPASSION.

Capitalism, on its own, is a ravenous beast that consumes and acquires with no thought of consequences. Without social programs to balance things out, our system becomes even more corrupt and ugly than it already is. We WILL fight for the social conscience that keeps our nation from becoming a complete corporate-owned plutocracy and theocracy.

And yes, while we are at it, what IS IT with this evangelical overload? Not only have many of your number thrown the Constitution to the ground, but with this aspect, you tread all over it with mud on your shoes. America is a nation of multiple beliefs and non-beliefs and it should remain that way. I don't think "freedom of religion" means just freedom for one segment of believers.

President Obama has offered the olive branch more than once and you have hurled it back in his face. Oh you good Christians, you. He has offered programs to help our nation and you look, not at the merits of the program (similar to many passed in bipartisan actions over the years) but at the source of that program and you sneer and reject. We want that program. We need it. But you are in that "my way or the highway" groove.

I know a lot of self-proclaimed Republicans that seem to be decent people and they are looking somewhat embarrassed, these days. They still puff up and flash their "Nobama" buttons, but they are wondering what happened to their 401Ks and retirement as well. And they are not real keen on Social Security cuts or Medicare cutbacks. You're walking a slippery slope with those subjects.

You want us to blame President Obama for his predecessor's excesses and your stubborn pique and that's not representing the people. That is a vendetta and not a pretty one. Maybe you need to step back and remember that you, whether you are well to do or not, are just one of the herd and that the strength of the working class makes or breaks any nation.

Of course, I look at the picture of the current GOP candidates and find myself, an agnostic, praying that none of these people defeat the President next year. That would probably put an end to my American citizenship. I have lost trust in you and in your motivations. So hope you don't win 2012 or you will have a nasty situation on your hands. Hungry, desperate people can get angry and determined.

I'll just get out if I can, should that happen. I'm too old for your nonsense. Here's some truth for you.


Robin Kinney Westbrook

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Legacy of Greed and Arrogance

9/11 has left us with a curious and terrifying legacy; asshats, motherf***ers, and bullsh***ers as far as the eye can see, bad things happening to good people, bad people getting all the dough and all the power, and good people watching their homes burn or washed away in a flood and people in Africa starving while a bunch of pin-headed, self-righteous redneck, evangelical elitists and greedy power-mongers glad-hand, campaign and make back-room deals.

These influence brokers used the fear generated by the cowardly attacks of 9/11, ten years ago, to erode our freedoms and break the back of our government. Bin Laden got what he wanted.

Racist bullies, liars and hypocrites sit in their snug little ivory towers and rain down hate rhetoric. Inane/insane pundits burst our eardrums with their messages of hate....This goes beyond party and philosophy and into the heart of the human race where it is festering and about to blow. They wanted to use fear to control the populace. Well, good job, Sh**eaters! I am definitely afraid. But controlled? Not yet.

I fear a return to the dark ages, an elite class that celebrates the ignorance and fear of the masses while they control access to everything that makes life, creativity, art, music, freedom. I fear a time when the public becomes nothing more than voiceless drones. I fear a bloody rebellion, a destruction of something so precious, lost because it was taken for granted.

I see the seething anger and/or the exhausted resignation of the millions who just want to work for a living. I see a wife entering a church to ask for food. I see a man gathering scrap metal so that he can sell it to buy gas to look for work. I see elderly people wondering if they will die in poverty.

And I see a large dark cloud harboring a hideous, tentacled, Lovecraftian monster with many faces; Koch, Murdoch, Bush, Perry, Beck, Coulter, Rove, Cheney, Palin, Bachmann, Robertson, Cain, Paul, Devos, Exxon Mobile and tar sand blasters, pipeline runners and mountain cappers...not enough room to list all of the dastards.

I see book-burning, church-run "education" and emotions, especially love in any form, outlawed and punishable by law. Orwell just had the year wrong. Atwood is a visionary as well. History and literature have warned us but we haven't heeded the warnings and are beginning to pay the price. "Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it."

Ten years ago, we saw the results of hate and religious fanaticism. It cost the lives of thousands of innocent people and left a scar on the face of our nation. I find it absolutely flabbergasting that the parallels are not recognized in the antics of Robertson, the Tea Party and praying candidates who fall to their knees while their states burn. Fascism isn't socialism, People!! It's intolerance and fear and iron control and fanaticism and it isn't just Islam that has a claim to those attributes. It is here in the fundamentalist, evangelical, end-of-timers Christian Dominionists and we should fear them just as much as the Arab piloting an airliner. There is an ACTIVE campaign to replace Democracy with control through fear, and to replace the Constitution with the bible. And YES, that would be a bad thing!!!

My time is coming soon, when I won't have to worry about it. I am in my "golden years" (*snort) and the worse will probably come after I am dead and gone. But I have children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren and a legacy of ignorance, fear and poverty is not what I would want for them.

For every time I didn't speak up, for the times when I was younger when I was too self-involved and reacted rather than researched, for all the votes I didn't cast because I was too "busy," I am so sorry, my Dear Ones. As long as I still have breath in me, I will protest and write letters and keep the DC switchboards buzzing. I will support that which speaks to the rights of all and fight that which gives the best to a few.

I just hope we aren't too few, too late.

Monday, September 05, 2011

Distilling Knowledge

Kerry and Sam...1990

When I first reunited with my surrendered daughter and then my son, I knew that I was entering a strange land. All the maternal feelings were there, but there were kinks in the chain. Little did I understand at the time, or for years, how that gap in years, and missing out on sharing their childhoods would dash any expectations of a normal relationship and cause a lot of hurt and frustration.

I can see jealousy in my surrendered children, towards their siblings...not hostile but wistful that my raised children have something with me that they don't. It speaks to the importance of shared experience.

You see, my raised children, Kerry and Sam, were my babies, then my toddlers, then my little girl and little boy, then my rebellious teens before they became my adult children. I can recall, with them, special moments, traumas and happy times. My surrendered children were my babies and then they were gone. All the in-between was lost and I admit to searching, hungrily, in their faces for the children they were rather than the adults they now are. That was MY bad.

In 1993, I was hit by a storm of emotion and confusion, with two reunions in one year, just as I was going though a very tough time in my marriage. It took me a long time to accept and mourn the fact that what I had lost would never be returned. Those precious formative years belonged to someone else. And to say I was displeased with what took place with my babies during those years would be an understatement.

I tend to over-analyze a lot. And often, I have to stand back and quit going around my arse to get to my elbow. Accepting what I can't change has always been a challenge for me, but I find myself in a much better state of mind when I do that very thing.

Yes, I am the Mother of the two children lost to adoption...their true Mother. But they are not, nor will they ever be my little girl and little boy. Those years will always belong to someone else.

My daughter's adopters are deceased, but they are still a living presence in her. She often posts tributes to them on her FB page. Now that is not the norm for children raised by their natural parents, but what the hey...whatever floats her boat. I just cannot read those paeans without feeling a bit of a knife in my gut. I have to wonder if that is why she does it.

I feel the family connection more keenly through my granddaughter and her children. I wasn't there when she was a baby, but then lots of grandparents weren't. Our relationship is easier, laughter comes to us more readily and we don't try to burden each other with our troubles. And she gave me a gift when we visited while I was in San Antonio....the gift of her truth and the verification of a lot of my suppositions. The weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders.

Now I know that in any dysfunctional family, the truth is usually somewhere in the middle. But this is the first time I have really listened to my granddaughter and heard her pain and frustration. Once I had boiled down all this information to the inner essence, I knew that I had to distance myself from a toxic relationship. I would do no one any good by enabling them.

So here I sit, on Labor Day, having been greeted by my raised children and my granddaughter, and getting on with the bigger fish I have to fry. We have to figure out how to make our move to WV, on hold for four years, now, due to a badly damaged economy and corrupt, political shenanigans. We also have to re-work our budget, deal with the expenses we have without incurring any more and make sure we are covered, health-wise. One of my raised children is going through a terrible time and needs a strong shoulder on which to cry. Oh Bla Di, Oh Bla Da and all that.

And even that pales when I remember riding through the countryside of Texas, to the west of San Antonio, and seeing the devastation of drought and heat that is ruining the livelihood of millions. I watch the news when I feel especially brave and I have to do what little I can to aid in preventing our Nation from going completely down the tubes greased by greed and arrogance. I can write, I can vote and I can talk. Like I said..bigger fish to fry.

And as the song says, "You got your troubles, I got mine." My little girl and little boy were taken from me and I have accepted that. And maybe that tragedy will be a learning tool for someone else and a preventative from falling into the same trap. Instead, I am concentrating on what I do have, and I am one fortunate woman. I need to remind myself of that on a continuing basis.

Sometimes, you just have to boil it all down to the basics, distill your knowledge and go with the essence. Simple, but not easy...but then the simplest truths are never easy to take.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Life Is.......

When I was small, my first memories are of being held, coddled and played with by my parents and my relatives and I thought, "Life is warm and caring."

When my father left us in my fifth year, and I watched my mother cry, I thought, "Life is scary and troubling."

When I suffered a severe burn on my hand as a child, I thought, "Life is physical pain."

When I would play with my toys or my sisters and friends, I thought, "Life is fun."

In school, I thought, "Life is working and learning."

When I approached and reached puberty, I thought, "Life is confusing and full of strange feelings and thoughts."

When I became interested in boys and had my first serious boyfriend, I thought, "Life is being in love."

When I was a single, pregnant teen, sent away by my family, abandoned by my lover, alone, frightened and told I was unfit to raise my own baby, I thought, "Life is about debasement, loss and shame."

Each time I gave birth and felt that wonderful feeling when I held my child, I thought, "Life is about fleeting moments of joy."

When I met, married and lived, day to day, with my wonderful husband, I thought, "Life is mature, comfortable yet still exciting love."

As I struggled on, as we all must, through all the different highs and lows of life, I learned that life is all of that and, grief, peace, worry, fun, fear, loss, serendipity and epiphanies. Some manage life better than others. Some can't deal with it at all and decided to opt out. Others in my life have shown me the meaning of courage, self-honesty and, as my late aunt put it, "keeping on, keeping on." My husband honors his lost child by making his life the best one he can make.

But the most important thing is that I think life is worth living. In all its joys and sorrows, it is a miracle created by the Universe and something which each person makes as good as they want it to be despite the pitfalls.

But that good life can only be made in the environment of true freedom, where with rights come responsibilities to each other and our world and where each person is free from ANY kind of oppression, be it physical, financial or spiritual. We must be free from the dogma of the self-righteous. We must be free from ignorance, want and hunger. We must be free to learn, to explore and to be enriched by art, science, literature and music.

That is why we must not let the direction that is being taken by the extremist Right determine our future. We must say NO to fascism in the name of religion and NO to corporate person-hood and the idea of alms to the rich. I don't know about any of you, but none of my family, friends and associates are named Exxon Mobile. We must continue to say NO to racism and the encroaching idea of a Christian theocracy. This country was founded by people who felt strongly that the Church and the State should always be separated by law and logic.

So, to counter this, we must say YES to progress, YES to equality, YES to compassion, and YES to all Americans sharing the load.

When we do that, we are saying YES to a life worth living for ourselves and the generations to come.

Footnote* A friend posted this quote and I thought it appropriate to the news of the day;"A tyrant must put on the appearance of uncommon devotion to religion. Subjects are less apprehensive of illegal treatment from a ruler whom they consider god-fearing and pious. On the other hand, they do less easily move against him, believing that he has the gods on his side." — Aristotle

Monday, August 22, 2011

Send 'Em In

The GOP candidates arrive for another debate! It's Tea Party Time!!

I never thought I would see the day that a group of candidates for the highest office in our nation would deliberately tell whoppers, misinform voters and generally show their racist bias in such an overt manner. I know that there have been lies told by politicians from day one in this nation and others. But to do it in such an in-your-face manner is criminal. The fact that there are those who buy into these lies is just plain sad.

For years, the lies about adoption persisted. The fact that the truth is coming from those of us who experienced the mistreatment, grief and shame makes no difference to the spin doctors. We just get dismissed as bitter and angry.

Now, we are being lied to about everything we know to be true and they just don't care. Faux news will make things up as they go. The GOP candidates try to rewrite history. They don't know as much as a 6th-grader knew about history and civics in my day.

We are approaching an Idiocracy and, if you don't believe me, go visit the "Birthmom Buds" on Facebook, listen to a speech by Mispeak Bachmann or try to argue with an avid "birther" about the fact that the President WAS born in the US. Willful ignorance is going to take this nation down if we don't stand up, not just for the rights of individuals as put forth by the Constitution, but for TRUTH.

I can see the drive for open records being detoured by the Corporate Congress and the state leggies who have had their palms greased. I can see no chance, at all, for the "sinful, sexual" Mothers to even ask for, much less receive the justice they deserve. How can we when we still have idiots who use the old "no one held a gun to your head" and "you're the one who spread your legs" arguments and think them valid?

We are no longer trudging up a long hill. We are climbing Everest with no equipment except the frail rope of truth. Like everything else in this corporate culture, truth has become a commodity and can be anything anyone wants it to be if they have the money and the connections. We have entered the Twilight Zone of American politics. Statesmen have been replaced by celebrities and proselytizers. There is NO government of, by and for the people. It has become the playground of the Kochs and the Murdocks and the DeVoes and their ilk.

It is a truly bizarre circus and the clowns are truly scary. But we must have clowns, so send 'em in. Oh. Don't bother. THEY'RE HEEEEEER.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Of Forests and Trees

I have come to ponder, recently, if I have kept my focus too narrow in recent years. While I was speaking out for justice for Mothers from the EMS and open records for adult adoptees, a lot was happening in the good, old US of A. For instance, we were slowly being bought up and sold out by corporate interests and their government toadies and we woke up, one day, to a massive recession and fears for our futures. Say what you will about bubbles and busts...someone screwed us over.

Suddenly we had Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, Ann Coulter, Rick Santorum, and all the rest of them stirring the under-educated and over-churched to a frenzy. Where had I been? I had been dismissing these wannabe editorial pundits as insignificant and then I saw what they had managed to do. They played to the lowest common denominator and they played it well. I mean, how smart can the teabaggers be? They claim a Christian faith but revere Ayn Rand, a misogynistic, declared atheist whose only good point was her ability to write.

I have pondered on this quite a deal. I have done some ranting as well, but the conclusion I have come to is this. If we allow certain groups, such as the Tea Party, the Far Right Republicans and ALEC to control our government, buy out our supreme court, use racism, fundamentalist Christianity and hate to force their way into power, we can say hello again to maternity homes, forced surrenders and social engineering. All the progress made in the areas of women's rights and health will go down the drain, there will be thriving back-alley abortion operations and birth control will be tightly controlled by the powers that might be.

Education is suffering and the Dumbing Down Of America is almost a fait accompli. What else can one think when MSNBC gives an hour or more to the wedding of some bimbo reality star? How else does one explain such TV hits as Parking Wars and Storage Wars? Why are science and nature programs no longer on mainstream networks? Why are PBS and NPR having constant beg-athons?

As Wall Street and CEOs play fast and loose with our livelihoods, America, the land of the free is going down the toilet and into history along with Rome, The Old British Empire and all the others that fell of their own weight and greed. I believe it will not be an alien invasion, global warming (REAL, by the way), an asteroid collision or a nuclear attack but a rotting from within that will bring us down. It may take another civil war to save us only this time the lines will be drawn in ideology, not northern and southern boundaries.

We have presidential candidates that are totally ignorant about history and the meaning of the Constitution. They want to take it away and substitute the Bible and to Hell with the First Amendment. We who want justice and redress don't stand the chance of a snowball in July if these dogmatic dumb asses manage to win the nomination and election. Single motherhood will go back from being a choice to being a sin. A Corporate Theocracy isn't just science fiction material but a real and present threat.

It took me taking a step back from all things surrender and adoption and looking at the big picture. And my tree was part of the forest. I am 66 and while not exactly ancient, I know that I am not going to be around for the big show that may or may not happen. All I can do is try to work to save the forest so that we can still breathe and then work on my tree. It will probably be those coming after me who will see the results, unless the corporate takeover is complete. We did not see our sons, fathers, daughters, sisters, brothers and friends die in foreign wars to allow this to happen.

My son and I are discussing a trip to DC so that we can participate in the "Take Back The Dream" rally. I am signing petitions, writing letters to congress, the senate, our President and newspaper editors. I am supporting those who want to hold the line against a takeover of our government by the corporations and fundies. Living in a theocracy is no fun. Ask people in Iran, if you happen to be in a place where they can answer you honestly.

I am feeling the earth move as the shades of Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, John Adams (the elder...not the little boy), Paul Revere and all the rest rail in anger at the blatant rewriting and skewing of history. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt (boy, do we need another 'trust-buster' like him), FDR and JFK are probably in tears, if there is an existence after death. Or maybe the railing and the crying are just me acting for them. This is certainly a piss-poor way to honor their memories by taking what they worked so diligently to create and making it unrecognizable and serving only the financially and theologically "elite."

In any event, before we take the trip to redress, justice and reform, we need to make sure the vehicle is in running condition. I shall keep a close eye on my tree, but I need to get the nasties out of the forest. Anyone want to help?

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Beating A Dead Horse Can Be Good

You say either and I say eye-ther
You say neither and I say nie-ther
Either, eye-ther, neither, nie-ther
Let's call the whole thing off

You say tomato, I say tomahto
You eat potato and I eat potahto
Tomato, tomahto, potato, potahto
Let's call the whole thing off

But oh, if we call the whole thing off then we must part
And oh, if we ever part then that might break my heart

So, if you wear pajamas and I wear pajahmas
I'll wear pajamas and give up pajahmas
For we know we need eachother so we
Better call the calling off, off
Oh, let's call the whole thing off

You say ahfter and I say after
You say lauhghter and I say laughter
After, ahfter, laughter, lauhghter
Let's call the whole thing off

You say Havana and I say Havahna
You eat banana and I eat banahna
Havana, Havahna, banana, banahna
Let's call the whole thing off

But oh, if we call the whole thing off then we must part
And oh, if we ever part then that might break my heart

So, if you say oysters and I say ersters
I'll eat oysters and give up ersters
For we know we need each other so we
Better call the calling off, off
Oh, let's call the whole thing off

The battle of the "B" word has erupted again, on a Facebook group. It began, as far as I can tell, having entered the fray a bit late, by an adopted adult who was really angry at her mother and carried on by a mother or two who felt themselves to be the righteous voices of reason. It was impelled forward by hostility and a lack of understanding.

Now, if it were just a matter of pronunciation, as in this cute ditty, above, that Fred warbled to Ginger, I think it would be relatively unimportant. But, in this case, it IS important. I can refer many people to the article by Diane Turski, "Why Birthmother Means Breeder," or I could speak about the fight of African Americans to be referred to in a dignified manner, but there are always, it seems, those who want to push us back into our dusty niches.

Yes, to all. LANGUAGE IS IMPORTANT. Can you hear me? This is an issue brought about by the civil and human rights of the mothers being decimated, especially during the BSE. We were defined, then, as being deviant, delinquent, careless young sluts. Most of us were just frightened girls who loved, maybe not wisely, but too well. We were judged and found lacking by the evidence of our humanity and passion.

The author and serial adopter, Pearl Buck, first used the term "birth mother" in the 1950's. The early founders of Concerned United Birthparents left out the space in the middle of birth and mother and thought they had settled the issue. What happened, however, is that the industry and society took off with the term and the meaning became one that is anything but dignified and respect-worthy. It is used against us to reduce us as mothers and women. It is used to pre-define a surrendering mother before she even thinks about surrender. It is a tool and a ploy of the industry and social engineers. It is a way for those who adopt to deny our motherhood as many would like to deny our very existence.

It's funny that they also apply the word to unwed fathers. A man can't be a "birth" father because he didn't give birth. Ergo, as one mother pointed out, wouldn't that make the males in the equation "Ejaculationfathers?" It is, and always will be, a term of denigration. There is no way you can take the term, as the adoptees were able to do with "Bastard," and make it one of "in-your-face self-respect." Perhaps, if we were to call ourselves "Sluts," that would have more of a ring? No, not really. A bastard is not responsible for the circumstances of their birth. We were forced and coerced and we need a sobriquet that recognizes that fact and the fact that we require respect. "Slut" just plays into the stereotype.

If Gandhi, Martin Luther King and many others realized the importance of how language is used, why is it such a battle for Natural Mothers to insist on being referred to in a dignified and respectful way? We are only trying to claim that which was ours before we were stripped of all autonomy and thrust into a cycle of grief and shame. Shame is not acceptable any more. Self-respect is essential to anyone making a mark in the battle for inquiry and redress and reform.

So save your, "it doesn't matter" speeches for to-may-to/to-mah-to. I am not a walking uterus, a breeder for the infertile or a non-mother. I am a Mother, or, if you insist on differentiation, a Natural Mother.

You can call me a birthmother all you like. But I will not answer you.

Monday, July 18, 2011

And The Beat Goes On..

Look above this post at the blog header. It says, in PLAIN ENGLISH, "My home. My blog. My opinions. This is NOT a forum for debate." What's not to understand? I just had to hit on this once again as I seem to get more and more attention each time I do. *whistles and giggles*

My message and opinions are not exactly PC as far as adoption is concerned, but they are the true and valid experiences and opinions of legions of mothers and adoptees who have had to deal with the painfully unnatural nature of the separation and the expectations put upon our children.

This is the nice thing about the right to Freedom of Speech. As long as I don't post porn, violent sedition or libel, I can say whatever I like as the owner of this website (as defined by Google). I could have made Motherhood Deleted a subscription-only site, but I am not doing any good preaching to the choir. We want to reach the general public and people with open minds. This blog is to educate, not debate. Debate, as far as I, personally, am concerned, wastes my precious time and space. Usually, it turns into attacks and the sort of people who want to debate are not going to have their minds changed by any argument I might give. It is my right to monitor comments and delete any that I find argumentative and non-productive or (as in the case of one or two) deceptively "curious."

But, lest any of you frustrated flamers think you are not being heard, fear not! For, on my Face Book page, I copy and paste, for all my friends to see, your words of censure and your banal insults. We have many a laugh over them. The personal attacks are the best, especially for those who really know me. I still have to chuckle about the one that accused me of driving a Buick with a Palin for Prez bumper sticker on it, especially since I drive a PT cruiser and am a die-hard, left-leaning Democrat. That one will make me laugh for a long time. Her snap judgement of a complete stranger is totally comical.

Then there is the confused person who says that, since I allow the contents of my blog to be read by the general public, I should provide a forum for those who....well, "disagree" would be the polite term. That a public website is not the same as my home. Well, above.


You know, a lot of flamers have a habit of citing the rare "hard case" when justifying adoption. The fact is that children with AIDS were not an issue during the BSE and the crack whore mother was also a very rare bird. She and the afflicted, orphaned children still are not the norm. I have to thank my friend, Bastardette for pointing this fact out to me.

And, there are numerous kin who DO want to take on the children of family members who can't care for them, but the state and others think that it is more profitable to subsidize an adoption that to help out with expenses for real family. This is the kind of social engineering that wants to deny the poor the right to have families and raise children. I'm still a fan of the idea of beefing up the legal guardian descriptions so that the lie of "as if born to" becomes unnecessary and children receive love and nurture without the pressure of trying to be what they are not.

But to hear it from the ones salivating over the prospect of getting a baby, toddler or being a saint and "saving" an older child, the mothers are worthless and the families of the mother and father are uncaring 100% of the time. NOT TRUE. Cases such as that are still in the minority, PAPs still lust after that healthy, preferably female infant, and there is money to be made and hearts to break.

There are also lives to forever mark with the stain and strain of the attempt to break the natural bond. No, it doesn't break, but it bends and twists out of shape over the years and grief and confusion are among the least of the worries of the Mother and Adopted Adult. Those who have not walked in our shoes and who operate from the vantage point of the one who benefits from that separation should not judge when we speak out...they will but they shouldn't.

So flamers, keep them coming. We get a really good laugh after we tear your arguments to shreds. The personal attacks are really special. I don't go to the happy-sappy, pro-adoption blogs and attack or argue. Those people are saying what they have the right to say, whether I agree or not. And I sure don't judge the character of people I don't know, personally.

I am very lucky when it comes to family and friends. I guess that is why I am able to keep on posting even when being attacked by strangers and nutbars. I feel the love and support and it keeps me keeping on.

And about the one who accused me of having a "heart of coal," my husband has an owl carved from coal that we bought in our future retirement home, West Virginia. Does that count? And you know what happens to coal under a lot of pressure?

It turns into diamonds.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Bless Their Hearts

If you have ever lived in any part of the South for any amount of time, then you know that the women of the South have a way of softening the harshest criticisms by adding one little phrase:"Bless his/her heart." It's all part of that manners thing. Yes, I said that southerners are polite. I didn't say they weren't human. Gossip is as prevalent in the South as anywhere else.

I remember being at church one Easter morning when I was about twelve and overhearing what I refer to as the "Biddy Brigade" critiquing the clothes and hats that other women were wearing. One spoke up and said, "You know, I think Malvena is color-blind, bless her heart." Malvena (not her real name but close) was resplendent in day-glow, hot pink. Her cheeks were pink, her lipstick was pink...even her shoes, bag, corsage and eyeshadow were pink. I sang in the choir and all eyes in the loft were constantly drawn to that eye-blinding spot of pink in the congregation. I know she thought the looks she received were admiring and I had to give her an A for having Chutzpah (chooots-pah?) enough to wear what she liked.

These days, people are prone to just put out those zingers without adding the softener at the end. But I have a lot of hearts I want to bless. For instance:

The adoption industry seems to smugly believe that we Mothers are no threat to them, Bless their Hearts.

That PAP bashed me online because she is still insecure about adopting, Bless her Heart.

My child's adopter went into a nasty tailspin when my child found me, Bless her Heart.

Those folks seem to think they are more entitled to our children than we are, Bless their Hearts.

Everyone connected with adoption seems to think that we mothers should take a back seat and suffer. How silly, Bless their Hearts.

Gee! We are still treated like teenage delinquents and our adult children are still treated like infants. These people are seriously deluded, Bless their Hearts.

Michelle Bachmann is bat guano crazy, Bless her Heart. (Sorry...had to throw that one in)

So, you see that any allusion to or critique of delusional, greedy, arrogant and rapacious behavior, such as that which abounds in the world of surrender coercion, the Industry of Adoption, and the rabid market for babies can get the Steel Magnolia treatment by just adding a "Bless his/her/their Heart(s)" with a sympathetic smile, to the end.

Then you look at your friend, grin really big, and wink.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Welcome To My Home

And that's what this is, you know. My blog, my Face Book page are my territories. When someone posts comments on either it is the same as someone coming into my house and talking. No one with any real breeding and sense of decency would ever go into anyone's home, especially the home of someone they don't know, and forcefully and even viciously challenge the home owner's beliefs, values and standards and opinions.

Now I was raised in the south for most of my growing up years, and lived in SC until 1996. Well bred, intelligent southerners put a lot of stock in good manners. It was a shock for me to learn that others didn't see civility and respect as we did...something important. And on the Internet?? The anonymity of the 'net seems to let people think they can say whatever they want to whomever they please, stir up any kind of trouble they can and get away with it.

This is why I have monitored comments. I have no desire to see MY blog, expressing MY opinions and MY beliefs being turned into a forum for flame wars. I have no need, here in my home, to be "fair and balanced" nor am I open to those who wish to change my attitude about adoption with near evangelical zeal. If I won't let Mormons or Jehovah's Witnesses into my home, why should I let your argumentative, pro-adoption posts be published on my blog?

There are some who have the opinion that it is good to have debate and they do allow it, to an extent, on their blogs. Good for them. To each their own. But this is my soap box. This is not subjective journalism, here, but objective editorializing.

Recently, I have been sandbagged by a number of posters, most of them anonymous, who pop up every now and then and try to get my goat. Well, Nanny's in the back yard, cropping grass, waiting to be milked and you can't have her.

The insults that follow comments being deleted are hysterically funny in many cases. You can tell that these pro-A's taking umbrage at my opinions don't know me at all. One accused me of having a Sarah Palin bumper sticker. I laughed so hard I started coughing. Anonymous, Honey, I am so left-winged and so anti-Tea Party and Faux News and the GOP that my husband, a moderate, never discusses politics with me. I read that to him and we chortled most of the afternoon.

So, to make it clear, Motherhood Deleted is my house and I don't allow my beliefs and values and standards to be challenged in my house. You want to air another side of the issue? Write your own blog and leave mine alone. I don't frequent the blogs of pro-adoptionists and so you won't have to worry about me doing the hit and run, anonymous thing.

If you want a fight, go to Craigslist and their adoption section. Someone is always raking someone else over the coals over there.

Oh, and don't think we aren't being taken seriously, us Mothers from the BSE. We are.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

And There's Another One!!

Just when I find myself in the delighted position of not having to decline comments for a long time, along comes another PAP (or so she says) with her, "just curious" questions about my views on adoption. Here's her seemingly innocuous comment:

"Hi there-
I just stumbled across your blog, and I must say that I am intrigued. I am a soon-to-be adoptive parent and while I don’t expect rainbows and puppy dogs, I am excited. I was wondering if you think that adoption is ever a good thing? In a perfect world, I don’t believe adoption would ever be necessary. But since we live in an imperfect world, do you believe that there are any situations where adoption can be the best option (given the circumstances) for all parties involved? Interested to hear your thoughts."

Whatever would adopters, the industry and PAPs do without that good, old, imperfect world (crack-whore moms and undeserving, single teens) to justify them doing what they really feel, inside, they have a perfect right to do? Sorry, but I don't buy it, especially if said PAP is lusting after a womb-fresh infant or toddler. There they are, just like saints, waiting to take in the, seemingly, "unwanted." How convenient.

To the commenter: You don't really want to hear my thoughts. You want to try to argue me down or see what king of opposition there is out here in the real world. Often, agencies, church-affiliated, especially, will assume an identity and try to stir the pot among those of us who don't like adoption, especially as it was practiced in the last century. Unfortunately, we are learning from heart-broken moms, that coercion has just put on some pretty lace, powdered its face, spritzed on some Rainbow Farte parfum and still going at it. The ads are slick and the tactics are slicker.

Yes, I do think that there are some women who truly don't want their babies and I encourage them to seek out a first-trimester termination. Better yet, avail yourself of available and effective birth control and seek termination if that fails. Why reduce yourself to serving as a brood mare for someone who sees themselves as more deserving and subject a child to emotional pain? If you feel you must carry to term, then see about finding a way for that child to remain in his/her family of origin. There has to be a daddy somewhere, no?

I talk to a lot of adopted people every day. One thing I have learned is that the hardest thing for anyone to accept is the thought that their mother did not want them, that said mother saw them as disposable. That idea does a good service for the adopters and the facilitators, even if it often slanders innocent Mothers who were coerced. From what I have seen, Mr. and Mrs. PAP, the most loving, most nurturing adopters in the worlds cannot take the sting out of that abandonment issue. All the love in the world cannot heal that wound and "attachment therapy" is a ridiculous concept.

And as for reunion, there is no reunion that can make up for the years lost, the bond twisted and the misconceptions that grew and grew. It is a minefield born of the most unnatural separation there is. Even after 18 years, I find myself still walking on eggshells occasionally and suffering through periodic breaches in the relationships. I was not put on this earth to provide an infant for C. and C. S. or for K. and S. S. !! There is no "meant to be" or "God's Will" about it...just injustice, a sick, punitive society and the greed that marks us as nothing more than a garden plot from which a product can be reaped.

My children were conceived and gestated in MY body. It was MY job to raise them and care for them. I suffered and they suffered because I was not allowed to do my job. Don't expect any friendly words about adoption from me.

There. Those are my thoughts. Accept or reject them, but don't expect to change my mind or my message.

Adoption separation sucks.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

A Little Less Talk.......

....and a lot more action. I have been suffering from a writer's block, especially in this subject area where so much has been written. As time has gone by, I have noticed that I am often repeating myself. Of course, that happens with a lot of causes. And some things do bear repeating.

The latest political unrest and national and international crisis have distracted me. As a senior citizen, largely reliant on Social Security and Medicare, I am afraid of what I see happening in the halls of congress and in the White House. As a die-hard liberal, I am frustrated.

But, first and foremost, is my interest in seeing justice done for the Mothers of the EMS and our adult children. We can't change the past, but we can address the injustices and damage done and demand that something be done in the way of redress and civil/human rights.

It's a simple request from our adult children. Give them access to their Original Birth Certificates in a simple and straightforward bill with no embroidery and contact vetoes and "on-demand" medical histories from their Mothers. It shouldn't take 80+ pages to give our children the right to information they should have had all along. Then let the ADULTS involved take it from there.

It's not quite so simple in the case of the Mothers' issues. But, if they can complicate something as simple as OBC access for adoptees, think of what they could do with our plight. I do know that we are sick and tired of the Industry, adopters and others who don't know us presuming to speak for us. We are big girls now. If we want to say "no" we can do it on our own without the help of the ACLU, NCFA or the EBDI. That is, of course, if we want to. The vast majority of us DO NOT want our names kept from our adult children. The states and bill writers are big-brothering us to death with this one.

Well, come August 8, I will have my opportunity to put my physical presence where my mouth has been, lo, these many years. I am braving the heat of the big city of San Antonio, Texas to add my voice to those seeking the cooperation of state reps. The National Convention of State Legislators will be meeting there and adoptees and mothers will be there. We shall see what we shall see because a couple of us will also be representing SMAAC and the Mothers' issues. We have been working on a brochure for our cause and hope to see it in the hands of someone who might actually learn something from it
We will be there with adoptees, demonstrating and, hopefully, educating. This is not an easy task. We are bucking a status quo with which our entire society has been not only comfortable, but enamoured. Adoption mythology in the US is right up there with the flag, baseball, apple pie and fireworks on the Fourth. It is another of those feel-good myths that people would rather believe than see the dark underbelly. It is presented to the public by the Industry, and those that profit in any way from it, in the same skewed way that we have taught American History to our children..totally slanted and prettied up with the dirt swept under the rug. Getting the word out about the realities involved is going to be an uphill climb.

So, San Antonio, don't get me wrong. I know you have that lovely RiverWalk and that little, historical, adobe mission, but you could never get me to come there in August for those attractions. Triple-digit heat is not my thing. But the cluster-f*** of sealed records, the inequities of coerced surrenders and the grief of Mothers and the civil and human rights of us and our adult children can and will get me out there in the heat. And I'm mean when I'm hot.

Watch out, you State Legislators...the adoptees are coming and they are bringing their Mamas!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

When The Myth Explodes

I received, this morning, a very interesting and poignant comment on my old post, "What Anti-Adoption Means," posted 9/09/2009. It was from a woman, here in Florida, who adopted a sibling group and has learned, the hard way, about the mythology of adoption. She was terribly disappointed when her vision of family was disrupted by the truth. She wrote:

"You know what? I totally agree with you, and I am the adoptive mother of 5 children (a sibling group) The two older ones are now adults, and the day they turned 18 they left us, found their birthmom on Facebook, and have never loooked back. We were lied to by the state of Florida, told the kids had no other options, that we were the last chance. In reality, it turns out we were the "last chance" the state had to pawn the kids off on someone that didn't need a subsidy or financial help. There were relatives willing to take the kids, but they were poor, so the state of Florida found it cheaper to give them to us, than to their own family members. Now I have to deal every day with the heartache of having raised the two older ones only to have them leave me for their biological family. I live in constant fear that the same thing will happen with my 3 little ones that are still with me. I DO NOT BLAME THE CHILDREN! Adoption is a horrible lie, it not only hurts the children, it hurts the adoptive parents."

I answered:

"Erin, you left someone out...someone that most adopters don't want to even consider. In the MAJORITY of cases, the natural mother suffers unrelenting grief and pain. MOST of us, especially from the BSE/EMS era, were not given a choice. Today, many SW's and agencies are coercive or, as you point out, don't consider the natural family if they can find people with more money. That is government-sponsored social engineering.

Rather than "living in fear," why don't you try being honest with the three you have now? Acknowledge their need to know, their primal grief and help them connect with their natural families. There is always more than enough love to go around.

You can't buy or assume motherhood regardless of what that piece of paper says. But you can earn your children's love and respect by realizing that they are not possessions but their own people. You can also realize that "as if born to" is only legal-speak and not a reality. You will always know that your children were born to other women.

You might also want to ask yourself why your older kids "never looked back." Did you place emotional demands and conditions on them about their relationship with their natural families? You have a chance to do things differently with the young ones. Face your issues and work with your old mistakes. Good Luck."

I can't help but be amazed that this woman sees herself as more of a victim than the natural family. These children were placed by the state for all the wrong reasons and now this woman is having to deal with the fact that the blood bond is stronger than adopters wants to think it is. I assume this was a foster situation in the beginning and those oldest children probably had complete memories of their natural family. The fact that they have a natural family that wanted them but were denied custody, primarily because the state of Florida is big on the social-engineering thing, had to have been a major factor in the "defection" of the two oldest.

But I would love it if just one adopter could be educated to the realities of adoption rather than the ephemeral promises made by the adoption mythology. There is the assumption of ownership of the child. Natural parents don't usually see it this way. We see it as our job to give the child love and nurture and prepare them to face life on their own terms. We don't own them in any way. They belong to themselves and they form other bonds where their primary loyalty is to a partner/spouse rather than to us. Letting go is part of love. And loving them, regardless of the choices they make is part of being a parent.

Adoption is the only arrangement where a person is never allowed to legally grow up, where the existence of a natural mother and natural family is literally ignored (and some wish would disappear) and where a fantasy is legally entered on the books via "as if born to" decrees and amended birth certificates.

No, don't blame the "children" (including the adult ones) and don't blame the natural family, either. Poverty is not a good reason to break up a family or take children from a mother. Have some compassion for those children in a situation that was not of their choosing and without their own kith and kin near to them. Have compassion for the mother that lost her children, many times through no fault of her own, and the family that lost their kin because they were poor and needed assistance. The adopter's disappointment, I opine, pales beside the grief of the coerced mother who has a child or children taken for adoption and the pain and frustration of the adoptee.

I was told by a woman who adopted during the BSE that I was a representative of her "worst nightmare." No matter how much adopters would like to ignore the natural parents and family (and how large those people loom in the minds and emotions of the children they adopt) they know we are out there. They know enough to, if they are smart, enable them to take a realistic look at adoption and learn to share and care.

There's that old thing about Butterflies and how you have to let go...I wonder if the reason these adoptees "never looked back" comes from being held too tightly? I wonder if holding on too tightly happens because we also loom large in the back of the mind of the adopter. Everyone tries to make a monster of the mother/natural family.

But we are all just ordinary people who either got caught up in extraordinary circumstances, got swept into the web of the state or agencies, or fell for a myth and acted out of panic. We are families who are sad when one of own becomes a prisoner of their bad choices and we want to take care of the children of our own but are not allowed to if the state gets there first. Nope, no monsters here.

Perhaps the expectations of those who adopt should be scrutinized. It doesn't help that the Industry, including the state, pander to those wants and expectations. The court presumes to do something that only nature can accomplish with that "as if born to" nonsense. That is the arrogance of humanity and social engineering.

And that myth can often blow up, right in their astonished faces.