Not only did this adopter confess to her true feelings, she has had several people empathize. I want to ask her what moved her to adopt in the first place? So sick and so sad......
This sucks. I've just had an epiphany that I'm totally wishing my life away waiting for my children to grow up so I can get on with MY life. I can't wait until they're old enough to go to school and get them out of my hair. I hate all of this and I dread each and every day. I wish this was a rant, vent or just a bad day but it's not. I HATE BEING A MOM. I get very little out of this and I'm beginning to doubt my capacity to love anything at all. I wouldn't mind wishing a few years of my life away if I had more of it ahead of me than I do. I'm 40 and these kids won't be going to school for several more years. The worst part of this whole thing is that both of my children are adopted and somewhere out there are two (*natural) mothers whose children went to an adoptive mother who has very little appreciation for them.
Ah, Confessoress, but these women were in what they perceived to be a "crisis" mode and these agents/social workers were too intent on filling YOUR order for a baby to think about whether you were psychologically prepared for the job or to work first to find a way to help the mother keep her child. They put the screws to these women and never suggested that there might be a better way. That is the way of the big industry of adoption. Also, 40 is a bit long in the tooth to be keeping up with energetic little ones. That is why it is best to have your own children at a younger age when the eggs are fresh and viable and a real bond can be formed. This waiting for the "optimum" conditions is against all the laws of Nature.
This is the dirtiest, most awful--probably the ONLY awful thing I've ever done, but boy is it a doozy. I can't tell a soul this because it's just too terrible to say out loud. It's probably every (*natural)-mother's nightmare...to plan an adoption for your child who ends up with a mother who doesn't want or appreciate them. I really have no idea how I got here or why this happened, but I know it makes me an awful person---a person I can't look at in the mirror because my heart is so small that I can't stand being a mother. I used to like me.
"Boy, is it a doozy?" An understatement. These kids are probably just being normal, energetic, children and they could also be acting out their primal grief over the separation from their mothers. That is a reality. It could also be that each of them, as an intuitive child, feels your hatred on a gut level and is fighting back. Your bad...not theirs. Your heart is not necessarily small so much as you just were not cut out for motherhood, which leads to my original question...why did you seek it out in the first place? Why couldn't you have taken the money you spent to "become a 'mother'" and help a little family stay together? For God/dess' Sake, find their mothers and return them.
I hate having kids. This crushing boredom, endless need, bottomless thanklessness, blatant greed and inconsideration are slowly killing me. Even worse still is that I pretend very poorly that things are "okay" and in the end that will only rob these two kids of something real. It's clear that I can't "fake it 'til I make it" in this situation. If there was any way to save face and send these kids away, I'd do it. The worst of the worst? I hate myself, but I think I hate them more. Maybe they'll get lucky and I'll die before they really figure out what a horrific bitch their "mother" really is.
I find myself echoing your wish, Confessoress. The fact that many people who adopt fail to consider is that the human child, especially during infancy and the toddler years, is the most selfish creature on earth. It's how they survive, Dummy! The don't even see themselves as a separate entity from their natural mother until they are over 6 months old. That's why a separation at birth is so traumatic for them. You have to have a conscience or you would not be agonizing over it. Put the energy you are putting into self-pity and loathing and find those mothers. Work out a way to return them and, while you are looking, consider yourself a legal guardian of these children for whom you can feel some fondness and concern but are not required to provide "mother love."
You know, I'm not really a "kid person" myself, but Goddess, how I loved raising my two raised kids and my heart was firmly connected to all four of my born children. I even have an earnest and loving, long-distance bond with my great-grandchildren and they are at that mischievous, squealing age which, from other people's children, is a total irritant.
You are not alone, Confessoress. There are probably thousands or more adoptors who feel exactly the same way and are playing the "as if" game and all parties suffer for it, worst of all, the children. Those adopters who care for the children they are raising "as their own" attach...they do not bond because the most important bond was forming before these kids were even born.
You know, the only real answer to this is to do more to help mothers and their children stay together. This country has become so adoption-crazed that people do it because they THINK they should...not because it is what is best for either them or the children they might adopt. She's wasting energy hating the children because she's the one who decided to raid the baby market. She's also wasting time hating herself when she needs to be taking action. Let's hope she can forgive herself, be kind to these kids and do what is right by them...FIND THEIR MOTHERS.