Friday, May 02, 2008

About This "Triad" Malarky

I am watching, in horror, as an organization that used to be a strong voice, for mothers only, is becoming a "Triad" group. It's enough to make me want to cry except for the fact that I am too damn angry to weep, right now. It seems that there is always someone who knows better than those of us who have been around a while and know the lay of the land. They are losing members and board members who cannot abide what is happening.

To paraphrase Dubya's equally inept Dad, "Read My Lips. There IS NO Triad." Trying to effect the kind of change that is truly needed in adoption cannot be accomplished with feeble efforts to "educate" adopters. That's like trying to tell a horse they shouldn't eat sweet feed because it could cause the runs. Telling an adopter that what they are doing is going to hurt a mother and a child is just as fruitless. I've known a few adopters who did get most of the message, but never enough to admit that the child they were raising was not ethically theirs.

Adoptees have their own axes to grind. They are concentrating only on opening their records and having access to their original birth certificates. They are not interested in combating the crimes against their mothers or, at least, that is not their primary concern. Many of them are holding on to their childish anger at us (there's a group at cafe mom that reeks of resentment and refusal to accept the truth) and they would like nothing more than for us to stay at the very bottom of the adoption pecking order. There are a few, wonderful adoptees who get it and who do support us, but who do have their own issues to address.

So, this is an open challenge to any and all "mothers' groups" who have decided to expand at the expense of their core membership...go back to the beginnings and speak only for the mothers..not just prevention, but retribution, justice and redress should be on the agenda. If it isn't, then you are not speaking for all mothers...just those about to fall into the abyss. True, they need help. I've been doing that for years, but just like all younger people, many of these "good barfmuggles-to-be" think that things are different and that it will be better for them. Some of them just cannot be reached, period.

Meanwhile, there are millions of mothers growing older, grayer, and feeling more and more frustrated and abandoned. Right now, there is only one group that advocates for us and they know they have an uphill battle to fight. It's even more uphill without the support of the total community of exiled mothers.

I'll respond to the call for open records when mothers are included and their rights recognized. I'll commiserate with an adopter when they admit that the child they are raising should not be with them. And I'll support an organization when it remains true to its original goals and identity. Until then, I'll challenge and debate and refuse to back down. I'll be 63 in a couple of months. Even with the good genetics in my mother's side of the family, I have, at best, maybe 30 more years and that's if I keep on really watching my health. Then, one never knows...I could pass on tomorrow. But, be it at age 63 or age 93, I'm going to go down fighting, even if it is nothing more than making sure my opinions, experience and knowledge are known.

I'm on the down-sloping end of a distorted rectangle...the "loser's corner." That doesn't sound like a "Triad" to me. The natural family is under attack and we older moms are the only ones, seemingly, who see that reality. Atwood (author of "The Handmaid's Tale) is eerily accurate in what might happen to this society. Read the book and let's get back to where we need to be.


Shadow said...

I saw this coming in varying degrees in the past few years. It was rolling at a slow pace..but they sure have picked up steam, haven't they. Triad my ass! There is no equality in Adoption Land..never was, never will be. Any burfmuggle who believes that needs a massive head check. I think some of these 'educators' need to lose their Delusions of Burfmuggle Granduer! You're only a 'Star' when you can offer up the fruits of your womb to the 'deserving' adopters...after are painted a 'loser' with a Capital 'L'! Does that hurt someone's feelings? Sorry..but that's the plain truth and we all know it. Triad, Shmiad!

Triad-is-a-Myth said...

I see the same thing happening in that group. Several of us quit when the adopters were allowed to join. It is turning into "CUB Junior" where adopters are welcome. Why not invite in the baby brokers as well? They are both on the same side.

Adoption is not a triad. It is a 4 party transaction. Two parties (customer and broker) gain and two (mother and infant) lose. Profit and gain for the two in power (broker and customer) are the reasons why. I have NOTHING in common with these rapists.

Shadow said...

""Why not invite in the baby brokers as well? They are both on the same side.""

While 'they' are at, just invite the social workers, adoption lawyers, Christian Right Wing-whacko-pro adoptinists, and the entire adopter family!! Better yet... NCFA!! The more the merrier and of course all the more to give an 'edumacation'!