Beware The Self-Ordained "Experts"-A Mother's Day Warning

My Four "Babies"

And also watch out for pundits, divas and petty dictators. The "mind police" even tend to pop up in the natural family preservation movement. Unfortunately, a certain"umbrella" organization has a doozie.

A person I know once defined an "expert" to me by breaking the word down. "Ex, she said, is a has-been and spurt is a drip of water." Humorous but apt. I'm not saying that there are not real experts on a lot of subjects, but when it comes to the subject of being a mother of adoption loss, each of us are our own "experts." I look upon anyone who acts like they have all the answers for everyone with a very jaundiced eye.

I have a dear friend who is having a very hard time of it as Mother's Day approaches. She just needs someone to listen to her pain without telling her what she should or shouldn't feel or do, but, of course, there is that one "fount of wisdom" that has to jump in and "cure" with her assumed superior knowledge. Not everyone is going to march in lock-step with one idea and it is about time that certain leaders acknowledged this fact and accommodated it. It seems that the fact that the mother in question identifies herself as a BSE mother doesn't sit well with our expert.

Anyone can sit down in front of this one-eyed monster, put fingers to keyboard and affect others for good or for ill. The more self-serving the writer, the more ill is done. I am hoping that there is still independent thought in this society of ours, that people do not just take what is written as gospel. I have looked at the double-helix and seen that none of us are rubber-stamped out of a single mold. It is so immature to feel threatened if someone disagrees with us. Those of us with too much time on our hands need to watch out. We can overdo the posting thing to the point of opinion-ad nauseum.

I only have my years in reunion, my personal experience of loss and what I have learned over the years from my own failures and successes and from the experience of other mothers. Like the wise people in the twelve-step program, I can relate what has worked for ME, but I can't dictate what others should do. So, when I write about my experience, I thoroughly expect other moms and adoptees to take what they need and leave the rest.

So, to all you mothers of loss out there, to those who have lost more than one child, to those who have lost twice, the second time to the untimely death of your adult, reunited child, the ones with badly damaged adult children and the ones without raised children, BSE Moms and the Moms who came after...YOU and you alone are the expert in your situation and they are different, for sure. It is only one day and we can do anything one day at a time. Let's be there for each other and disregard the pundits and the "experts."

I also have to look at the words of a certain rather passive-aggressive man who was in a relationship with a friend of mine for a few years. When she railed at him for keeping silent during their arguments, he finally spoke up and said, "well, I listen to you, Honey, and when I do that, then I not only know what I know, I know what you know as well." While I don't advocate being passive-aggressive, I had to see the wisdom in that remark. You could learn a lot if you would just listen and not run off at the keyboard like you have taken some kind of cyber-ex-lax.

So to the "self-ordained experts" among us...I know what I know and I know what you know. And if we can refrain from trying to attain supreme Diva-hood and spend more time with real life and less time embroiled in the tumultuous world of the Internet, maybe we can really be effective in helping others. And even though my focus is on the BSE, Happy, Peaceful Mother's Day to all mothers in our situation of years lost and grief unrecognized.

Now, does anyone know when Adopter's Day is? Gotta get my cards ready.