Saturday, May 10, 2008

Beware The Self-Ordained "Experts"-A Mother's Day Warning

My Four "Babies"

And also watch out for pundits, divas and petty dictators. The "mind police" even tend to pop up in the natural family preservation movement. Unfortunately, a certain"umbrella" organization has a doozie.

A person I know once defined an "expert" to me by breaking the word down. "Ex, she said, is a has-been and spurt is a drip of water." Humorous but apt. I'm not saying that there are not real experts on a lot of subjects, but when it comes to the subject of being a mother of adoption loss, each of us are our own "experts." I look upon anyone who acts like they have all the answers for everyone with a very jaundiced eye.

I have a dear friend who is having a very hard time of it as Mother's Day approaches. She just needs someone to listen to her pain without telling her what she should or shouldn't feel or do, but, of course, there is that one "fount of wisdom" that has to jump in and "cure" with her assumed superior knowledge. Not everyone is going to march in lock-step with one idea and it is about time that certain leaders acknowledged this fact and accommodated it. It seems that the fact that the mother in question identifies herself as a BSE mother doesn't sit well with our expert.

Anyone can sit down in front of this one-eyed monster, put fingers to keyboard and affect others for good or for ill. The more self-serving the writer, the more ill is done. I am hoping that there is still independent thought in this society of ours, that people do not just take what is written as gospel. I have looked at the double-helix and seen that none of us are rubber-stamped out of a single mold. It is so immature to feel threatened if someone disagrees with us. Those of us with too much time on our hands need to watch out. We can overdo the posting thing to the point of opinion-ad nauseum.

I only have my years in reunion, my personal experience of loss and what I have learned over the years from my own failures and successes and from the experience of other mothers. Like the wise people in the twelve-step program, I can relate what has worked for ME, but I can't dictate what others should do. So, when I write about my experience, I thoroughly expect other moms and adoptees to take what they need and leave the rest.

So, to all you mothers of loss out there, to those who have lost more than one child, to those who have lost twice, the second time to the untimely death of your adult, reunited child, the ones with badly damaged adult children and the ones without raised children, BSE Moms and the Moms who came after...YOU and you alone are the expert in your situation and they are different, for sure. It is only one day and we can do anything one day at a time. Let's be there for each other and disregard the pundits and the "experts."

I also have to look at the words of a certain rather passive-aggressive man who was in a relationship with a friend of mine for a few years. When she railed at him for keeping silent during their arguments, he finally spoke up and said, "well, I listen to you, Honey, and when I do that, then I not only know what I know, I know what you know as well." While I don't advocate being passive-aggressive, I had to see the wisdom in that remark. You could learn a lot if you would just listen and not run off at the keyboard like you have taken some kind of cyber-ex-lax.

So to the "self-ordained experts" among us...I know what I know and I know what you know. And if we can refrain from trying to attain supreme Diva-hood and spend more time with real life and less time embroiled in the tumultuous world of the Internet, maybe we can really be effective in helping others. And even though my focus is on the BSE, Happy, Peaceful Mother's Day to all mothers in our situation of years lost and grief unrecognized.

Now, does anyone know when Adopter's Day is? Gotta get my cards ready.


Barb said...

CyberLax, I LOVE it!

I want to propose that we declare
the day before Halloween as Adoptor's Day

Robin said...

Well, Barb, if THEY can choose a day for Barfmartyrs Day, then we can choose an Adopter's Day. I like the October 30th thing...Kinda witchy, ya know?

Barb said...

I like it because it is a day for creepiness.

lilgranny said...

Robin, This is Laura & I agree with everything you have to say.
I am here in Sanford also. Hope one day we can meet. We are fighting for the same cause. I think I am on the brink of hearing from my son. Still waiting.
you can write me at:, anytime.
Take care & Keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Robin said...

Ah, the bitches are out in force, I see. I was going to let that last comment stand just to show how nasty these folks are and then decided that I refuse to give them a forum for their crude and rude comments. Gummy, huh? Looks like we have a mole, somewhere. Gonna find ya, bitch.

Anonymous said...

OMG you've piqued my curiosity (again!)... mole?? Anyhow...expertly written as per the usual. Where were you when I was suffering through highschool english?? :D

CarolC. said...

Robin, you are right on Sister! I love your description of you-know-who - a petty dictator.

Happy Mother's Day to all!


Shadow said...

""Gummy, huh? Looks like we have a mole, somewhere.""

Mmmmmm...tis not good when we have 'moles' amongst us! Hope ya find the bitch real quick..

In the future... if you would like, those posts by the Anons that are nasty, insulting, rude, etc.. please pass them on to me. I think I possess a little ability in ferreting out the 'fingerprints' of anon posters. Just a mere suggestion though. I do like to catch 'moles'!

BTW....Great Blog! I am sick to death of all the Burfmuggle Divas..that are so blinded by the 'stars' in their eyes and the cotton in their ears! The only people they see and hear are...THEMSELVES! Christ, they want so much attention...why don't they go to D.C. and become a politician! But Nooooooo, they would rather chew other mothers into bits, on the internet no less and by 'private' cowardly.

Robin said...

I found her, I think, (Thanks Shadow and Cedar for pointing out what I had missed) and AAT is no longer her playground. Happy Mother's Day to all my good friends.


lamecherry said...

I am shocked!
No adopters day and I hadn't noticed until you pointed it out.

Just think of all the revenue being lost by this oversight!


speaking-the-truth said...

She's still going at in over at her blog, i noticed. What is totally beyond me is how she just doesn't GET that people have problems with lying and backstabbing. It is NOT "blame" or "slacking-off" (which she uses 2 posts to accuse us of), but us refusing to accept being lied to, backstabbed, and treated with immense disrespect.

The Diva you refer to has a problem with the very concept of a "BSE" because she willingly gave away her own baby during that period. Trauma? yes when her daughter died, definitely. But as she herself admits, she was neither lied to, coerced, nor her baby stolen from her at birth. Adoption was HER choice!

THAT is the difference. This Diva is not in it for justice for BSE moms -- or for any moms at all -- but in it for her modern family-preservation agenda. that organization has gone back to embracing that word since she took over). its policies have changed to reflect the agenda and influence of just one person. notice: it embraces the word 'birthmother' again? what is the difference between it and CUB? None, any longer.