Tuesday, January 29, 2008

A Place For Mothers

It seems that the more things change, the more they stay the same and mothers are the ones who get it in the end. I don't often see the wisdom in combining support groups of mothers, some of whom have been rejected by their adult reunited child, and adopted adults, some of whom have been rejected by their mothers or are just angry at their moms and moms in general. It always seems to wind up in a fight for control and, I am sorry adoptees, but the control issues are usually yours.

I have seen a lot of frustrated anger when we have refused to apologize for something we did not do (willingly give up our children) or refused to pay obeisance to the people who adopted you or to agree that your adoption was "for the best." When you do that "Inner Child" work, maybe you should teach that child that the only thing in life that one can control is oneself. No other person, be it your child, your mother, your sibling, your spouse or significant other can be under your control. And try to remember that we suffered from a "Primal Wound" also. Being separated from your own flesh and blood is a terrible, unnatural and wounding thing.

The last thing that mothers need is to be required to pay homage to adopters and to "respect their feelings." It is adopters that don't respect our feelings, that refer to a pregnant, usually single woman, as a "b****mother" before she even gives birth, that fight, along with agencies, legislators and facilitators/attorneys, to take away precious time in which a mother can bond with her child and make a more informed decision (if agreeing to release your infant to others forever could be called a "decision"....I call it an act of desperation with little real information). And, it has been anecdotally proven to me, beyond a doubt, that adopters are the ones who are hateful, nastily jealous, possessive and give conditional love (it's us or HER) when we come back into the picture at reunion.

Another thing that mothers don't need is adoption social workers, agency personnel or adopters sneaking onto various boards, "seeking to understand" when all they really want to do is change the nature of the board and our "erroneous" thinking. The passive/aggressive nature of some of the questioning done by these folks gives them away in a heartbeat. I have heard all of the stories of children abused by their parents and crackwhore mommies and dumpster babies. But you close your mind and hearts when we talk about the many adopters who have abused, emotionally, sexually and physically, the children they have adopted. Some have even murdered these kids. But it's us moms that are the eternal villains in your lexicons.

Mothers are angry because we have been at the bottom of the heap, disrespected and disregarded for more decades that I can count. We are not guniea pigs for a Master's Thesis or a "study" to find out what crumbs can be thrown out to us to keep agencies in business. We are certainly not punching bags for angry adopted people. Most of us are channeling our anger into activism and that is healthy. Anger, itself, is just an emotion, like all others. It's how you use it that matters.

So here we go again, wasting time explaining ourselves and our need for respect when we could be making a difference and facilitating real change. We laugh, we love our spouses, we cry over loved ones who die or become ill, we worry about our own health, take fun vacations, watch movies and try to do good jobs at work and at home. We do not spend our time, 24/7. writhing in psychic pain over our mutual tragedies. A lot of us are healing, quite nicely, thank you, and leaving behind those who sit in their misery and spin their wheels. That anger I spoke about is not our weakness, but our strength.

I have 3 groups where I feel I can speak my mind about my role (which is only one facet of my life) as a Baby Scoop Era Mother who had children taken for adoption. On the others, I have to walk on eggshells. Where's the respect in that? Well, this is my blog and I can bitch if I want to. I love it.


Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Great blog Robin! Thanks!

And please if you will move my Juno info to it's proper place...I made a boo-boo!


Robin said...

Dear, dear Shadow. Trust you to dig up the most delicious dirt. LOL Thank you for the information.


Robin said...

Moved as per your request, Shadow.