Tuesday, June 03, 2008

The Mice Are Squeaking

The one thing that I have made clear on several of my posts is that I am not going to debate the pro-adoptionists in my comments sections. Life is too short and hate mail is just that....something hateful and something to discard.

The latest tempest in a teapot (4 whole posts, 2 from the same person who baited me as a coward), is over an archived post, "From The Ridiculous To The Sublime", no longer even on the front page, addressing that abominable tee-shirt bearing the legend "Adoption is the New Pregnant." Looks like some wannabes and PAPs think we should give them our conceptions and gestations, labors and deliveries as well as our precious children. Nah...don't think so. "Paper Pregnant" isn't pregnant at all...it is just being predatory. There is no comparison to being truly pregnant.

One poster is adamant that women, especially young women, who become pregnant while single and keep their offspring are destined, nay truly FATED to become abusers and trots out the old line that judges all of us by a small minority. I would like to direct this person's attention here and suggest she read the thread about Adopter Abuse In the News. Now, what if all people who adopted were judged by that group? Hmmmmmm?

I know a huge gang of unmarried mothers, some of whom I helped to keep their babies when they were being chased down by voracious PAPs and unethical agencies and good "Christian" help centers. Not a one of them is an abuser or a neglectful Mom, all of them receive moral and other support from family members and friends, they work, they finished or are finishing school and they are exemplary mothers. I notice that our unnamed poster (my real name and location is here but you guys either use "anonymous" or a nickname) seems to think that leaving any child in his/her natural family is an open invitation to abuse. Well, then by your standards and stats, I can say the same fate awaits any child who is adopted if I want to judge you all by what some have done.

I am called "Hateful" because I don't like adoption or the act of adoption. It's funny, but at my YMCA water aerobics class, one of the ladies I like the most is an old-line adopter and we have had many a mutually respectful debate. Of course, she doesn't presume to think she can take away the natural mother's place where pregnancy is concerned. She thought the tee shirts were silly. If it is "hateful" to dislike the industry and the customers of that industry that still subtly coerce young women out of their babies and cause the kind of damage I have seen to both the mothers and their lost-to-adoption children, then "hateful" I am.

I reunited with two such damaged individuals and my heart has been thoroughly broken by the gentle ministrations of their "Forever Families." I shouldn't even put that one in caps since the entire notion is so facetious. However, the children I raised, while I am sure they will tell you I was an over-protective mother and a bit strict, will also tell you that I never raised a hand to either one of them except for a smack on the butt when my youngest tried to run out into the street and scared me half to death.

Now, one more time...this is a blog for me and others to get information about adoption which we use in our fight to keep natural families together. I and my sister moms in this endeavor, do NOT think that every single mom is an abuser or that the child of a single mom is short-changed. My father left us when I was 5, and we had a lovely childhood, my sisters and I, filled with positive attention and love. Actually, things went downhill when he returned 9 years later and my forgiving, very Christian mother took him back.

In truth, I have done you "ladies" or whatever you are, a favor by deleting your nastiness instead of leaving it all up for all to see. Even then, this blog entry is a waste of my time, but you asked for it. If someone questions something here in a civil and decent manner, I'll post an answer. People who post nasty comments get bupkiss and thrown into the trash. Not a matter of lack of nerve...but a matter of a waste of time. It's MY blog and I'll delete what I want to. That's the power of a blog.

I don't name names or pick on individuals, as a rule...I am an equal-opportunity iconoclast. But if you don't like what I have to say, run on back to alt.adoption or your Cafe Mom group and blast away. I have a feeling I won't miss any sleep at all. If you post it here and post it hatefully and with rancor, I'm just going to trash it. That's just the way it works.


Anonymous said...

Awwwwwwww Robin. Did you piss of the nasty adopters too. Took them long enough to find it

janice said...

Just curious, how do you feel about children that are wards of the state, with no family of their own being adopted?

Robin said...

Fair question, Janice, so I will try to answer. The various state CPS agencies are not very good at contacting and arranging for kinship guardians for the kids they put into foster care, often for no good reason other than poverty or a dirty kitchen. They can look around and see no Sponge Bob toys and scream "abuse" and confiscate the children when it is totally unnecessary. Texas just showed their true colors. They were already culling out the infants and toddlers when the courts ordered them to return all the children.

The states get funding from the national government for "placing" children. Their mandate is to get as many kids adopted as they can, whether they need it or not.

If a mother is totally unable to care for her child, then all efforts should be made to find a guardian within that child's family of origin. Failing that and realizing that the foster system in this country leaves a lot to be desired, then people who truly have the welfare of these children as their first and only, UNSELFISH priority, should apply for legal guardianship in order to provide, not a false parent/child relationship, but a stable environment.

Most people who adopt don't want these older children, anyway, because they come with baggage, loyalties and memories. Oh, they'll snap up the infants and toddlers because, with them, they can play the "as if" game. But the older children are the ones who need the stability.

With legal guardianship, the motivation is truly altruistic and there is no need on the part of the child to pretend to be someone they are not or to pretend that their beloved caretakers and nurturers are really "Mom and Dad." I have quite a few adult adoptees who can tell you the truth about that one.

I have a friend, my age, whose mother died and whose father deserted her. She had only one living relative who immediately took her in. To the day this generous woman died, my friend loved her AUNT Connie with all her heart and both of them visited her mother's grave on a regular basis. Relatives taking in a child used to be the norm and many well-adjusted adults came from those situations.

In any event, a child's identity and heritage should never be taken from them just so someone can pretend to be a parent. Sorry, but I think only God and Nature produce parents. The entire system needs to be revamped and money, federal funding, the self-serving needs of adults who "just waaaant a baybeeeee" need to be booted off the priority list.

Now, if we are through with the stereotypical "abusive" single mom, crackwhores and orphans with no kin at all, maybe we can start caring for children, first, and stop placing mothers in Catch-22 situations where they think their only recourse is to surrender. Unfortunately, there is also a move towards a eugenically-created society, ala, "The Handmaid's Tale."

BTW, if you are really wanting to understand, read that book. It's by Margaret Atwood, and read Ann Fessler's "The Girls Who Went Away." I suggest Fessler's book because it will explain how I feel. Just know that it is no better in this time frame...just different tactics.

Please note that, if an attempt is made to extend this into an argument/debate, I will just delete. I only answer fair questions, respectfully submitted as was yours.


Janice said...

Thanks....just wondering. We are adopting a child through foster care that is older and has no other options. They will know every thing about their family that we know, as it is appropriate for them developmentally. We are a mom and dad to a wonderful son. But, we are opening our home and our hearts to a child who has no one to love and protect them and help them grow into a healthy adult.

I wish you and your family the best!

Robin said...

Janice, I wish that adoption was not the only option in order for you to care for this child. Legal guardianship would be a much more honest and caring way to incorporate a special needs child into a home. However, please know that you will not feel the same for this child as you do for your natural son. Being older, this child will know that he/she is different and has memories and baggage. Also, if you are fostering to adopt through the CPS, please know that they don't always do the most they can do to keep a child in their family of origin. They get federal bucks for placing children so what they see as "no other option" can often be exaggerated or contrived. Please leave a place in this child's life for natural family members. Thanks.