Friday, November 14, 2008

Abusers, Neglecters and Whores..Oh My!!

And on we go with more commentary on the unfortunate post written by Heidi Saxton, an adopter and critic of natural mothers, everywhere. Please see the preceding post.

I cannot believe that the pro-adoption faction is still pulling out the old chestnuts about how young, single mothers will (not MIGHT, but WILL) become abusive and/or neglectful mothers and leave their babies with sitters or alone while they go out to party and do questionable things. They still judge millions by the unfortunate behavior of a minority. One question I asked Ms. Saxton on the comments section of another blog was whether or not it would, then, be fair for us to judge all adopters by the actions of those who have also abused and, yes, even murdered the children they "chose." She hasn't answered that one.

She was still delving into the perceived notions, as well, that we were responsible for the loss of our children because we had pre-marital sex. If we can't be pegged as abusers and neglecters, they can always fall back on the "shame factor." It seems easy to charge a stranger with being a whore or a slut, even without knowing them or their circumstances. It seems being an adopter and a converted-to-Catholicism Christian gives people like Ms. Saxton the assumptive right to judge us.

If being single makes one a bad mother, then it would stand to reason that the young mother who loses her husband to death or divorce should immediately be relieved of her children. After all, that two-parent family is a sacred necessity according to these pious prigs. The man who takes off and deserts his family is not held to the same standards as the mother, left behind to do the whole job.

My unmarried niece has two little girls. They are cared for so well that it amazes me. My niece works, is both mother and father to her daughters and manages to have friends and a social life as well. Gee...didn't anybody tell her that she couldn't do that? And...get this....she is NOT a slut. Wow! Will wonders never cease?

Many of us from the EMS (Era of Mass Surrenders) became mothers who kept as soon as possible after the loss of our children to the adoption industry and avid infertiles. I started my kept family at age 19. The two children I raised say I was, and am, a very good mother. I would have been just as good a mother three years earlier with just a little help and support from my family. Of course, I was never informed that there were social services in place that would have helped me. Funny how they left that information out when I was being "counseled."

Heidi Saxton is pulling out all the guns including the one we deserved the least...the shame card. Young love is a powerful thing and we are not always wise, even when we get older, about the heart wanting what the heart wants. To have it intimated to us that we should still, after 4 or more decades, feel some self-blame because we were sexually active (something a LOT of people were doing that didn't get "caught") is very un-Christian, or, at least, it goes against what I was taught was Christian in nature. But whether she and her cohorts think we should be ashamed or not, it ain't gonna happen. That Scarlet Letter is gone and you cannot put it back on us, so stop trying.

I am a MOTHER, a NATURAL Mother and I deserved the right to choose to keep and raise all my children, a choice that was denied me by a prudish and prurient society that was more concerned with sex than with murder, war or poverty. So do the natural mothers of today deserve all the right information to make an informed choice, no matter what that choice might be. Get over it, Heidi.


maybe said...

Robin, did you take my pic last night while I was out turning tricks? I look pretty hot, eh? :)

Society just can't believe that mothers and adoptees might (gasp!) have their own opinions about adoption. The myth of the saintly adopter rescuing the baby from the abusive abandoner is etched deeply in the pschye of the average American. Thank goodness that myth is being deconstructed and that we are finally hearing adoption stories from the viewpoint of someone other than the adoptive parents.

Robin said...

Was that YOU, Maybe? I couldn't see too well because I had my glasses stuck in the pocket of my satin hot pants. ;o)

Mei Ling said...

This article and TONS of commentary is being linked from blog to blog and spreading like wildfire everywhere.

I actually stumbled upon Heidi's blog when I looked up the tag "anti-adoption" on Wordpress, and exchanged a series of e-mails with her.

The summary of her e-mails:

"No one is saying you can't mourn the loss of your parents, but it is you who decides to dwell upon grief and failing to see the positives of what adoption has brought you. Don't those gains count for anything, too? Oh, and by the way, God will save your soul as long as you let him."

Yes, really.

I actually thought she wanted to learn from me, too. It appears that she doesn't really intend to learn but to just SAY she wants to learn, hears but doesn't "listen."

maybe said...

I'm so glad that there has been such a strong response to this. Especially from vocal adoptees like Mei Ling, Triona, and many others - it's pretty hard to tell them they don't understand their own experience.

The mothers are routinely dismissed as abusive, druggies, etc. Our voices count for little. But now that Robin and Sandy and others are taking a bold stand and speaking out, things will have to change!

Anonymous said...

Mei Ling,

adopters don't listen.

That's the problem because if they truly listened they might be able to see beyond their need for acquiring a baby for themselves, is a mother suffering they don't care if the baby suffers after all they can provide such a better life.

Robin said...

You know, maybe, What you said just proves that not only do people like Saxton not know many Natural mothers, they don't want to know us. They might find out that we are normal, everyday women with values and morals and people who love and respect us. That would not be good for them. Their stereotype would fly out the window.

They also don't want to know how adopted people really feel. That makes me really mad because that is not how a real parent responds to their child.

Cedar said...

"They first laugh at us. Then they fight us. Then we win." They've just stopped laughing.

Now is our time to fight back.

Do we have a natural mother (or several) who would be willing to write an article for publication at CE? The guidelines for submission are at under "How to Submit an Article for Publication"

Robin said...

Cedar, do you really think they would publish such an article? I hate to sound so cynical, but I think that, no matter how well written, how passionate and how persuasive such an article might be, they would not publish it because it does not fit their agenda.

maybe said...

The article idea is great! Whether they would publish it is questionable.

And Robin, you are so right about them not knowing us, or wanting to. I am probably the most run-of-mill, ordinary woman imaginable. I go to work, own a home, pay my taxes, never been on drugs, never been arrested, never been "bad." Expect I did commit the most heinous sin of all - youthful sex before marriage! I should be stoned!

(Oops, I shouldn't have said that, don't want to give the religious zealots any ideas).

Mei-ling said...

The only defence I can think of for her is that she *did* save her children. They came from a worsened background.

But the stereotypes are unnecessary.