Sunday, May 02, 2010

And Why Should I Give A Damn?

I am sitting here, nursing my second cup of coffee and thinking about my friend and what she said last night. She told me about how tired she was of going to sites like Yahoo Answers and Craigslist and seeing us moms called "abandoners." For her, it stung because it just isn't the truth. I am so sick of hearing about the "feeling abandoned" from that little group of adopted people that I could barf. I feel 25 and slender but, when I look in the mirror, I see the truth and I accept and embrace it. I didn't abandon my kids and I wear trifocals, false teeth, have wrinkles and wear a size 18. I live with that, just fine, thank you.

I have learned something about seeking vengeance and that is what this hatefulness is all about. It is about striking out at an imagined foe, many times without checking all the facts. It's about wanting to put all dogs down because one dog bit you, or maybe just barked at you. Actively seeking some one's come-uppance can be hazardous. Often, it will turn around and bite you in the ass, while the person against whom you seek revenge is untouched.

This anti-mother, all for the adopted person, MommyMartyr, hit-me-again-please, I'm-gonna-get-you-beeyotches, melange of strife and angst is getting tiresome and I agree with my friend on this one. It's like elevator music. It becomes cloying and annoying and totally ennui-inducing.

I often wonder why I even care. I am reunited with both my surrendered children, 17 years now. I have a good bit of my paperwork from that horrible time. I am past any guilt that was put upon me by others and am over the angst of reunion. Why should I even bother with blogging about this?

It's simple. There is a difference between seeking revenge and fighting for justice. Recognition of the wrongful tragedies of the EMS is justice. Open access to the original birth certificates for adopted adults AND mothers is justice. Standing tall, evidencing self-respect and courage in both mothers and adopted people is the ultimate justice. And what is it that they say about the best revenge being a life well lived?

So, it seems that I care about justice and respect. Not bad values, considering all that life has dealt me. I want the same thing for my sister mothers and our children. Being free from guilt, martyrdom, resentment and vitriol is a good way to be. It makes for a much nicer life. And to our adult children; for everyone of you who had the nmom from Hell, I can show you 10 that had loving, caring nmoms who were persuaded that they were toxic to their children and had to give them up to save them. I know adopters who physically, sexually and emotionally abused the children they adopted. Does that mean that all the people who adopted you are like that? Should the adults who survived this kind of horror say that all who adopt are monsters?

There's so much infighting, self-interest and pure snarkiness going on that the messages, i.e., justice and no more sealed records, gets lost in the noise. This is what adoption has given us and it is the gift that keeps on giving with boxes of rancor and sacks of self-pity. I have rejected that for myself and I don't want it to be the lot of my sister mothers or our children.

We are on the road to our retirement home in the hills by the running stream. We are no longer constrained by bosses, deadlines and the need to keep up with the Joneses, Smiths, MacAlillies or Mortons. I could just lay back, decline internet service, get out my easel and my books and my fishing rod and take it easy. I certainly wouldn't miss the losing of friends over non-issues and the venom of people who don't even know me. I definitely would love to never have to hear the term "abandoner" again. So, why should I give a damn?

I don't know but I do.


Sandy Young said...

When I hear that Abandoner crap, all I can think of is that I hope that they never, ever, have to feel the AWARENESS of every single person you know who is in your family, your friends, you entire support system turning their backs on you, en masse, and the realization that you have ZERO alternatives but to do what you are expected to do. I believe that Betrayal, Abject Powerlessness and Abanonment and the acute awareness of them, the feelings that the mothers felt, allows for a certain amount of pique to be felt in the name-calling area.

SustainableFamilies said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sandy Young said...

Robin, this said it all so well. There is a huge difference between being a floor mat and expecting to be treated equally. And, there is a huge difference between meteing out punishment and demanding justice. Thanks for this.

Beautifully done, as always. You truly have a gift for making things understandable and reasonable

Robin said...

I owe my adult children, raised and reunited, nothing but my love and emotional support. I do not owe them my blood and soul. Anyone who thinks I should sacrifice my rights or anything else for them just because they were adopted can talk to the hand. NO WAY do our children suffer any more than we have and I am tired of that "who was hurt the worst" whining. Grow up.

Comments defending people who mistreat mothers are rejected. My blog, my house, my rules.

ElaineP said...

The name calling is just awful -- from all sides.

I have been publicly called 'stalker', 'predator' and 'adoptee stranger' -- and, of course, been called 'ewwww' also.... All because I dared to send my nmom a couple of letters. She refuses any label that has mother in it. She wants to be referred to as maternal source.

It's sad that this name calling comes from adults. I've heard less name calling on a kids' playground. It's mind-blogging.
Although, I am bit guilty when I call her husband - Ferret Face. But in my defense, that is towards one specific person and he has called me every name I said above in the newspaper and tetifying before NJ government... So, hopefully that isn't too bad to call him....

Robin said...

LOL, Elaine, if it helps any, I call the father of my first born, who lied about me and abandoned me, either the "Penis Pappy" or "The Jerk." I also used to call my husband's ex-wife "Brunhilde Von Alpo." We are all guilty of being snarky about individuals ("ferret face" is a good one), but when we do it to a group, then it becomes a form of bigotry.

I wish I could have some quality time alone with your mother. She drank the Kool-Aid and now she is showing the effects. I am sorry you have been called names.

ElaineP said...

Yeah, it's amazing that at 45 years old, the names still hurt. Of course, they keep repeating them -- you'd think I'd be immune to them by now...

If you ever want to see her brutal, not pg-13 website, I can email it to you, I don't feel comfortable posting it in public.


Von said...

We can all do a bit of name calling in our private lives where it's not on display and it relieves our feelings.Publicly calling mothers 'abandonners' or any other name calling is sad and shows how far the name callers have to go in their journey to survival.When bitterness, vengefulness and hatred reign we're all in trouble.It diverts from the important tasks ahead, some of us will get tired soon and want to retire and leave the job in safe hands.I hope they will be capable hands.

Robin said...

Von, I honestly think that some people hold that hatred to them like a security blanket and use it to excuse questionable behavior. Freud should be shot for blaming the parents for problems that they didn't cause. I'd do it myself, but the old mysoginist is already dead.

ElaineP said...

"I honestly think that some people hold that hatred to them like a security blanket and use it to excuse questionable behavior."

I think that's a bullseye!

Cedar said...

What I see as the one practical use of the term "abandoner" applied by adoptees is that they need to apply it to (and get the message straight to) those expectant mothers who are seriously considering surrendering ("making an adoption plan" - puke!) and need to hear that it is NOT "the loving option" that the baby brokers are telling them about.

No use applying it to mothers who were coerced years ago -- that's like calling a rape victim a slut and saying she "asked for it."

I'd like to see these adoptees who consider us all to be "abandoners" to be trying to prevent more vulnerable expectant and new moms from "creating new adoptees." Are they getting their message to pregnant mothers?

Robin said...

Cedar, I see your point, but we are doing all we can to bring attention to the mothers who are at the end of their lives. I would love to see the younger moms who have learned the truth about what was done to them by the industry PR reach out. Most of the younger ones won't listen to us and, frankly, the adopted people also have their own agenda..OBC access.
We can't be everything to everyone and justice for the EMS/BSE moms is #1 here.

Mandy Lifeboats said...

""I would love to see the younger moms who have learned the truth about what was done to them by the industry PR reach out. Most of the younger ones won't listen to us and, frankly, the adopted people also have their own agenda..OBC access.
We can't be everything to everyone and justice for the EMS/BSE moms is #1 here.""

Well said and thank you Robin.
I know I can't be everything to everyone..I can't even do that for myself most days, nor for the children (now fully-grown adults) that I raised!! I should be expected to do ALL for millions of women and children lost in Adopto-Land, yesterday, today and tomorrow??!! I'm only ONE human female...not a Super-Power Being from another planet! Thinking Super-Woman?..I don't think so..