Friday, May 28, 2010

Head "Em Up, Move "Em Out

I don't think I have had my sensibilities more offended than just this past week when I ran across a group on Facebook get this...."BirthMom Buds." Headed up by an educated but still vapid Barbie clone who calls herself the "Queen BM," this group shills for adoption in the name of anti-choice and Gaw-ud. Now, I have seen some awesome floaters in the toilet bowl, but I had no idea they had a hierarchy, much less a queen. Is excrement like ants or bees? Let me also note that a companion site carries a very obvious and saccharine ad for Adoption Agency (baby-market) services.

Not only that, Queenie has a hard-on for Ron (GAG)Paul and disrespects our current Chief Executive in his name. I wonder if she would like to bear Ron Paul's love child? All in all, this chick is a Texas Bush-Baby with only one wing and it's on her right side. Rush, Newt, Glen, Dubya and Sara and the gang must be so proud.

With the professed purpose of helping young mothers who have surrendered to cope with their grief, using such profound wisdom as, "it's okay to cry," the site reveals itself as another one of those agency/church shills. And golly, gee! It tells these poor, women, that they are heroines who "gave the gift of life and also gave the gift of parenthood to a poor, childless couple." Aren't we generous, though? This kind of counseling is nothing more than keeping an industry-induced and church-approved fantasy alive in the psyches of these poor moms and offers platitudes and proselytizing to ease the pain. Good luck with that. These things are, at best, temporary placebos.

In the old stockyards, there was always one cow, goat, pig or whatever animal was slated for *chuckle*  humane execution that would lead the others into the chute. The fact that this amiable creature was betraying others of its kind was evidenced by the title of "Judas Goat." Same thing here..led by the blond, Bible-toting/Kierkegaard-quoting cheerleader, they line up to get their dose of "what a wonderful mother you are by doing this" sledgehammer in the back of the head.

Of course, it will probably be a few years before they realize that they have been slaughtered. Some will come to that realization when the Wonderful Adopters they Chose slam the door shut on that open adoption agreement which isn't worth, in most states, the paper on which it is printed. Others will watch their child grow up, calling another woman "Mother" and the pain will surface like Moby Dick coming after Ahab. At that time, every platitude and trite adage they have been fed by their beemommie buds will be ashes and dust against the real grief. Others will be snapped into reality by the hostility of their adult child wanting to know why they were not worth keeping.

But hey, you've got all these morality mavens using a literal Bully Pulpit and telling you that Gaw-ud is on your side and Jeee-seu-uss approves and you will earn stars in your crown. You'll hang on to that junk for a good while, like a drowning person holds on to the idea of rescue. The smarter you are, the longer you will be in denial because you can con yourself and make it all sound rational. I was there for over 30 years. But I finally realized that there is nothing rational or natural in separating a mother from her child. And, knowing my scripture, I figured out that neither the Almighty not Jesus ever said or did anything advocating infant adoption. Oh the fundies twist and text-proof and "interpret" but they can't really back it up using the Bible.

"But I wasn't ready!" you protest, to which I have a response and a question. Response: No matter how well planned a pregnancy might be, no one is ever, really ready. This is something that is in your body, soul and hormones and you do what all natural parents do..respond to your instincts and learn as you go. Question: If you weren't ready, then why didn't you use that to which we Senior Moms had no access, a little something called birth control? It's out there and all you need is to take the time for a short trip to your local department of public health.

The "I wasn't ready to be a mom" argument also brings up another thought. What do you think your body was doing for you for those nine months? Anyone? was getting you READY. Now that's a miracle for all to see. Back before birth control, mothers just accepted their babies as they came and really didn't think about whether they were ready or not. Now, I see adoption used the same way it is preached that abortion is after-the-fact birth control for convenience's sake and so some can save face by saying "at least I didn't abort." That and a dollar will get you through one of the toll booths on the highway.

To address the situation where rape or date rape is a factor; Guess what? Me too! My second child was conceived in violence but gestated and delivered with love. I should not have had to lose him, either. I had already lost my first child, conceived in love (I thought) and it was no less painful to lose my son than it was to lose my daughter. But I had no choice. You younger moms do, for Pete's Sake! You have resources and support that either did not exist for us or remained hidden from us. If we were given "do-over's" in life, believe me I would be checking out the options that would allow me to keep my babies. Of course, I didn't know bupkus back then and trusted the adults in my life a little too much.

Finally, the idea that you BMB's are preventing abortions is ludicrous. Those who do not want to be pregnant will abort and you will never see their faces. The so-called alternative to abortion is NOT adoption. The two do not go together. The alternative to adoption is keeping and raising one's own child and is to be preferred. But when one's head is full of the slick PR of the agencies and industry and the emotional drug of religious fervor, logic and what is right and natural seem to be left in a pink fog of that "Gee Whiz" factor. Sooner or later, that fog dissipates.

All the Judas Goat got was a reprieve from slaughter. I wonder what the Queen BM Judas Goat gets per head per pregnant woman?


Chris said...

Thank you Robin...for putting this out there. As a 'commenter'on your blog, the FB site is Birth Moms Mission, the owner is Brooke E. Bida (she also has a personal FB page under the same name)and one can find her resume on the internet quite easily, also in Linkedin and her My Space page. Yesterday I (as were other older mothers) was banned from this group, because I had the unmitigated gall (as did other older mothers) who questioned her about her relationship to the Hope Cottage Adoption agency, and possibly Gladney and questioning her motives, along with her 501c3 status. Also questioning her (Brooke) co-opting copyrighted material from published authors (to use on her Pro-adoption site) who are clearly and widely known in many adoption circles as anti-adoption. We were accused of 'attacking' these HAPPY beemommies, because we related our 'experiences'as we experienced losing our newborns to adoption, without choice in most cases, and the vast majority of older mothers that I know..not 'happy', nor 'content' with their supposed 'decision', 'choice' to lose their newborns to adoption. For this we were 'attacked' as 'bitter and angry'...once again those 2 words thrown haphazardly around, as if that sums up everything in a nut-shell for the Happy, Dappy Beemommies. They only wanted to hear 'positive' stories, they simply could not bear to hear and told us so, to hear anything 'negative' about adoption. Afterall it was God's Will, God's Master Plan, their be Birthmothers, even thru rape, so that a childless couple could be gifted with the fruits of their wombs. This Birth Moms Mission has all the earmarks of a cult..with a very White, Blonde Cult Leader (imagine Golden Idol) and sheeple for her following. They adore her, they idolize was one of the worst places I had visited in many years. There was little to no talk about how adoption could affect their babies in the future..I saw no talk about the fathers of these babies either. Were all these babies born of Immaculate Conception? Were these Good Handmaidens impregnated by God, much like Mary? They are also a Pro-life group and heavily religious. Brooke E. Bida has all the qualifications (online retail business and a seller of products from a company much like Avon!)and characteristics to be another Laura Silsby Scammer.
I will say this...if surrendering mothers like those on Birth Moms Mission are truly Happy and Content to have given away their newborns to others. Then I am happy for you. But I will never be Happy for your beautiful babies..that you so happily and contentedly gave away. Maybe some adopters do have it right today..maybe some of this generation of surrendering mothers really don't want to be a full-time mother, with full-time responsibilities..but rather the 'visiting' one with full-time babysitters. One now does really have to wonder.

Chris said...

Part II

If I sound your ass I am. I had the saddest experience to visit one of the BMM members FB page where I could view her photos. She had one..Adoption Day...with several pics of her handing over her most beautiful baby girl to the adoptive parents, at what I am assuming is some sort of Adoption Celebration, The Handing Over.. It broke my heart to see those pics..and my heart has seriously hardened over the years. But even my old hardened heart softened with a few see this beautiful baby being handed over to strangers..from the looks of it to people who could have been the Happy Beemommy's parents. To look at these pics was painful. How do these young mothers of today do this? Seriously, I don't know how. When viewing these pics..all I could think of was my own newborn, so many years ago who I was "allowed" to see and hold for a few minutes..and the POOF! she was gone. She too was a beautiful baby..and I was not happy and I was not heart broke, I cried and cried some more. I was never happy nor content to lose my firstborn newborn to adoption..never! not one day in my life since.

Thank you Robin, for allowing me to express my thoughts and feelings. This Birth Moms Mission place and it's members, has deeply disturbed me and triggered more feelings within me...that I thought I was over with..evidently I can still feel, my heart can still break for all those babies lost to adoption and for all those mothers who so terribly wanted to keep their babies and take them home, where those babies so naturally belonged.

Sandy Young said...

Hear, hear! I am in 100% agreement with every word you both said...does that mean I am walking in lock step?

This angry old beemommy is going to write some stuff today....attend to my minutae, doncha know!

maybe said...

These happy beemommy sororities seem like clubs for self-mutilation.

Robin said...

Did you know there are pro-anorexia sites online? This groups sounds like them, as well, Maybe. Sort of a "let's get together and do something bad to ourselves and have fun."

maybe said...

I really find beemommie adoption apologists to be quite odd. Many of them seem to be fixated on the idea that they MUST FIND THE GOOD IN ADOPTION (even while they admit their own experience was terrible). What they are desparate to ignore is that some things just inherently suck and looking for the good in those things is a waste of time. Find a way to make peace with oneself, yes; brainwash oneself into always looking for the good, bad idea.

But religion appears to play a heavy role here, doesn't it? They see themsevlves as god's martyrs for some greater good, which of course leads to the next step - recruitment of more martyrs. The beemommie clubs are kind of like religions that encourage suicide missions in return for eternal bliss in the heavens. Maybe they will be rewarded with 70 babies in the afterlife?

Sandy Young said...

I think, Maybe, that the redemption and mission part are the public and professed goal, but I suspect that, for the Queen BM't there is a more earthly goal...again follow the money. Rather like the Televangelists that preached against the sins of man and demanded penance for dollars (meanwhile air-conditioning their doghouses and meeting boys in hotels) this group has recently incorporated under 501c3 status and is seeking contributions online. Misery loves company, but company doesn't pay cover the cost of the big Dallas blonde hair and the dental implants!

maybe said...

Yes, I too have come to the realization that everything is about the Benjamins.

Robin said...

I just had an adult adoptee tell me it would have broken her heart to have heard her natural mother talk about "placing" like those BBM bimbos do.

Von said...

As an adoptee I never heard my mother talk this way, never would have, she was a different generation.
It is hard to comprehend what is going on here with this generation of 'beemommies'..are they so shallow, so misguided, manilulated, brainwashed and will it hit them later as it did your generation?
As for any comprehension about what it means for adoptees..zilch!I fear for this next generation of adoptees, just when I thought it couldn't get worse.
Posting a link to my blog, hope that's ok.

Robin said...

OK by me, Von. I think this says something for us older moms. The new crop are not like us at all, thank God/dess.

Anonymous said...

They either wanted their baby or they didn't.
They either had choices or they didn't.
They either regret it or they don't.
It is either harmful, painful and terrible or it's isn't and they either want others to experience it or they don't.
One things for certain - they can't have it both ways.
There's nothing disenfranchised in such hypocrisy.

Robin said...

The thing is, anon, you can't lump the eras and the experiences and perceptions together. We EMS mom only had it one way. We also tell it like it was. No hypocrisy here but at lot over there at "BirthMomBuds." I hope the BMB's are the "they" to which you refer. Because WE tell the truth, whether it is what people want to hear or not.

Ronnie said...

I think these mothers over at BMB are as brain washed as we were. The brain washing takes a different route now because there are choices available and the adoption agencies have to convince them that adoption is the "right" or "noble" choice. But the bottom line is that these young women are being told that they are not "good enough" to parent their children and need to give them up to redeem themselves - just as we were told. In time, I believe, these women will wake up to the bill of goods they were sold and be as angry as we are.

Robin said...

I can accept that they are brainwashed, Ronnie. I hope it doesn't take too long for them to wake up. My biggest objection is that they are using themselves to lure in other moms-to-be in order to turn them into these vapid Stepford Beemommies, especially the "Queen BM."

Ronnie said...

I agree, Robin, it is despicable that they are drawing more women into the spider's web. It's the only way they can accept the BS and continue to feel what they did was good. Eventually it will catch up with them. Then they will have not only the pain of what they did to themselves and their children, but also what they did to others. We need to continue the fight against the spider.

Sandy Young said...

There were mothers from the BSE that did that, too. Off the top of my head, I can think of Carol Schafer, who went to work at Spence Chapin. I am sure that her intention was to make changes from within, but that seems to have been watered down.

There is a percentage of BSE Mothers who also went on to adopt. I know several of them, and the thing I have found is that when they adopt, often the adopter part of them trumps the mother of loss part of them. It is as if they must justify their adoption by adopting and then justify their adopting by making it the norm, rather like other mothers of that era whose experience is not typical try to normalize their own experience by attempting to deny that there was a norm.

Anonymous said...

>>> I hope the BMB's are the "they" to which you refer. <<<

Yes Robin, and your correct, the era's can't be lumped together.

Today giving your baby away is leaning towards the cultural narcissistic behavior. Who will be worshiped as the next American Idol.

maybe said...

Quoting Anon 11:10: "Today giving your baby away is leaning towards the cultural narcissistic behavior. Who will be worshiped as the next American Idol."

Yes! They get a pat on the back for "doing the right thing/giving your baby a better life." The young couple on MTV's Teen Mom wrote on their blog that all the kudos they received from viewers helped them "heal." What an absurd idea. But it seems to cement the idea in their heads that they are somehow heroes who deserve to be congratulated (while at the same time the mother was depressed and clearly in deep pain) Healed? More like cognitive dissonance.

But what happens after the compliments stop? And at what point will they sound like an insult? "Giving your baby a better life" will eventually sound like "you were obviously no good, thank god that baby didn't have to grow up with you."