Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Both Sides Toasted

I've been accused of being "anti-adoptee" just because I object to being told I am responsible for the feelings of adults who are not even my children. I am told I lack compassion and understanding because I think the attack against and stereotyping of mothers  is as unfair as the withheld rights of the adopted adult. I am tired of being called an "abandoner" and having my feelings and needs seen as secondary, so that makes me the enemy? I think that makes me a woman who stands up for herself.

I held on to a lot of "stinkin' thinkin'" for years and sucked my past like a thumb. At some point, it behooved me to get past it and stop making people who were as screwed up as I was the goats for all my problems. All I am asking is that the understanding and compassion go both ways. If I were "anti-adoptee" I doubt I would have the decent relationships I have with my reunited children. But I am only the mother to two adopted adults...not all of them. I don't deserve the insults and I know hundreds of moms who don't deserve them, either.

I hate it when a natural mom rejects her child. I also hate it when a mother is mistreated by a resentful adoptee...and YES it happens with regularity. I have seen mothers have to tearfully take out restraining orders against their own flesh and blood because they feared for their safety and that of the rest of their family. But I sure don't call all adoptees "abusers and stalkers."

The enmity towards mothers is really heavy and downright nasty, but how dare we call anyone on that? See, that is the attitude that is totally anti-mom. Not only do we get the blame and the nasty names but it seems we are supposed to sit back and take it. We are supposed to allow our wounds to be opened in order to bleed a bit more just to satisfy someone whose mother was not as loving or accepting as she should have been? What is fair about that? What about understanding and compassion taking into account that we are attacked on a daily basis by strangers who are the same age as our children just because we are natural mothers? That compassion is supposed to go both ways.

We all suffered and continue to battle a terrible injustice, BUT, we can either try to do something about it or shut up. Pity parties don't get the job done and that is directed as much at moms as at adoptees. Being indignant about an injustice is a lot more productive than feeling sorry for oneself.

The blame game is making us ineffective, allowing the industry to manipulate us and keeping us at odds. All I have asked in the previous post and this one is that we just try to grow past that sad stage of indicting and name-calling and realize that both of the main parties to this ignoble social experiement were and are treated unfairly. I think the time has come to stop allowing others to govern our self-images and our emotions. So what is so anti-adoptee about that? I think it is good, healthy advice.

There's two sides to this slice of bread and both sides were thoroughly toasted. But no one says that we have to lie down on the plate and let anyone smear us with marmalade.


Lori said...

WAHOO! So very true! Now, can we please all stand up, straighten our collective dresses, put away the flogs and cat-o-nines and act like we have some sense?
YAY! I am not the only one out there that thinks this way!

Von said...

Agreed we all need to be adult about this but out there are many who are so damaged they've lost their sense of balance and compassion,if they ever had it.So much pain for all, let's not take it out on each other.Go for those responsible, go into activism to try to change things for the next generation but lay off the mothers!

Sandy Young said...

I simply don't understand the thinking that when a mother defends herself and puts mothers first in her agenda,it somehow makes her "anti" adoptees. How can it possibly be anti anyone for women to put themselves and their issues on their own front burner?

Again, it is NOT without violating the human and civil rights of the mothers that the children were able to be taken for adoption.

Robin said...

Excellent point, Sandy. For the industry to get to our children, they had to get us in a condition where we had no recourse. We were diminished, denigrated, isolated, shamed and generally mistreated.

When it was done to the African Americans, it was considered a violation of human and civil rights. We were abandoned and violated, emotionally, mentally and, in many cases, physically in order to ripen us up for the coup de gras. Then we were left to grieve for our missing children.If that's not getting toasted, nothing is.

This is an evil industry masquerading as a public service. Unfortunately, the only public that gets served is their own, self-righteous ideas of social engineering, their bank accounts and the desires of the entitled adopters.

Lorraine Dusky said...

Ah, the "anti-adoption" curse vested upon us by those who only know we don't think all adoption is cool, that every couple who wants a baby should not be able to get one, pronto! Tiresome, isn't it?

Robin said...

Actually, Lorraine, I was told my posts were "anti-ADOPTEE," because I felt that we needed to be spoken to and about with a bit more respect and for standing up for the rights of the mothers. I feel strangly that all of us need to get our heads on straight about what really happened and stop trying to blame mothers for everything.

Robin said...

LOL, and I feel "strangly" a lot. Of course, that was supposed to read "strongly." I'm going to bed early.:oP

Cedar said...

If you don't mind me asking, where was this forum/conversation?

Robin said...

Cedar, I was reacting to some comments I received on this post as well as some things I have read on adoptee forums here and there.