Sunday, July 25, 2010

Ouch! Stop That!

Do you mothers ever feel like you have been the target of a palpable wave of hostility? Gee, wonder where that came from? I remember my two oldest as infants, my daughter lulled to sleep on my chest, listening to my heart beat, my son meeting my eyes with his dark blue, unfocused baby eyes. I never thought that they would grow up with resentment and lies. I bought the story the social worker told me because I had no other choice. It was all I could do. I had to believe it for their sake.

Just when I felt nicely insulated from all the adoptee anger online, it invaded the "first mother" page on Facebook. If I hear one more adult adopted person demand that I "take responsibility" for THEIR problems while behaving like bratty toddlers, I will scream. The worst abuse seems to come from the "obligated and grateful" adoptee or the ones who did draw a less-than-receptive mother in the mix. The latter like to blame all mothers for the behavior of theirs, yet excuse lies and neurotic behavior from their adopters.

I understand the feelings, but I object to the actions. The feelings are based on erroneous perceptions but they have to have time to deal with that. While they are dealing, too many of them are mother-bashing. That's where I get off the "poor adoptee" boat. We can respect them and their feelings without being a slave to their perceptions. One of the worst irritations comes when they want us to pay homage to all not calling them adopters.

If there were ever a more-maligned group of people in the US than natural mothers, I would be hard put to find them. And the adopters have done the most name-calling of all the denigrators of unmarried moms. They want  us dead and gone and our adult children want us repressed and wearing gunny sacks of repentance for sins we did not commit. It's enough to make me want to take up isolation as a lifestyle.

"When you call my AP's "adopters," you hurt my feelings." This from an adult man. Well, golly gee, Fella. You must be awfully thin skinned to think it is all about you and the people who adopted you. And don't start with that "taking responsibility" crap. I speak for myself and for a million or so other mothers from my era who did not have a choice and who will not kiss your shoes in penance for something we didn't do, damn it.

I am not going into all the facts and figures to prove a point that has already been seen as fact by many a scholarly researcher. Even proponents of the industry, itself, have recognized the truth behind the crimes against us and our children in the EMS. Our refusal to accept that we are not going to be pushed around by our adult children and coerced, again, into accepting their version of our "responsibility" is really pissing some of the mother-haters off, big time. It's not enough to hate their OWN mothers...they seem to feel the need to become a new sort of bigot and hate all natural mothers. All I can see when I watch this phenomenon is a bunch of overgrown 3-year-olds, pouting.

Now, I have to tell you that this is directed towards a group of adopted people, not all of them. I know a large number of wonderfully adult adopted people who, while struggling with their issues, still maintain a caring and respectful tone towards others including their natural mothers. I respect them in return and am so glad to count them among my friends. I have learned a lot from them about understanding the reasons why adopted people have these feelings and how hard it is to come to terms with lies they have been told, the reality of who they are and who their mothers are, why their heritage was's not easy. But neither is it easy dealing with our trauma.

I have said this before and I will say this again. We were hurt, as well. Our pain is different and caused by different things, but it is no less intense than the pain of the adopted person. I sat across from another mother, just the other day, and watched her shed tears of the grief with which she still struggles. To be treated like an abusive abandoner by adults our children's ages, who should know better, is a slap in our faces and I don't take kindly to being slapped. So I say Ouch because it hurts and tell you to stop it, once. After that, I slap back.

And to all those mothers/door mats that think we need to "mother up" and lay down for our adult children to use us as rugs or beasts of burden to carry their one-sided message, sorry, I'll pass. Call it, well, call it self-respect and expecting adult behavior from adults. (Now THERE'S a concept!) Our children are big boys and girls, now. That means it is past time for them to have learned the concepts of fairness, decency and kindness. The real enemy, the Industry, is laughing and counting their coins while you try to duke it out with us.

I'm tired of the abuse. Stop it!


Anonymous said...

I sometimes wonder if these aren't really trolls, paid for by the adoption industry, to pose as adoptees to keep stirring the pot and cause problems.

Lori said...

Robin - again I would like to link to this. It is something I have been struggling with...and paid the price for. I will not lay down and take it.


Sandy Young said...

I think that they are posing as various entities on the internet doing exactly what the Anon poster suggests. I think they are posing as Mothers, Adoptees, PAPs and SWers. But, I also think that there are plenty that we know and that know better. I just cannot understand how they think that posting viciousness directed at Mothers, generally, on the internet, is NOT going to have a negative fallout.

Carlynne said...

Yes Robin, it is a slap in the face! I've been attacked by folks like him for simply being. I get tired of people using their one experience to paint everyone with the same brush. Those of us who've lived with the "no choice" and trauma of losing our children deal with this grief on a daily basis for the rest of our lives, even after reuniting. There's always something to remind us of all the years that were lost and can never be recovered. Adoptees also have their share of pain and loss - issues that'll be with them forever too.

Why can't some people just acknowledge that there's pain all the way around, respect each other and not turn it into a game of "my pain is greater than your pain". I can only fix what's mine to fix and it seems to me that the more this kind of crap goes on the less can be done to fix the real problem - the industry. We need to look in the mirror first, heal what we can and work on fixing the system instead of working against each other. just my opinion.

Von said...

Now there's a thought! Time for these people to grow up, get real and see through the adoption propaganda.
Linking if I may for the benefit of those still, as you say in the States, drinking the koolaid!

Robin said...

Lori and away. And Anon, I wouldn't put it past the industry to do that and to use trolls to stir up the real adoptees. I also know real adoptees who bash mothers every chance they get because they don't know any other way to deal with their pain. Looking inward for answers seems to be out of the questions. Let's blame Mommy!

Sally Bacchetta said...

"Looking inward for answers seems to be out of the questions. Let's blame Mommy!" That's been in vogue for far too long among people from all walks of life!

KristySearching said...

Robin & Lori... Today I needed both your blog, so as I said over with Lori...

Thank you!