Sunday, July 25, 2010
Ouch! Stop That!
Just when I felt nicely insulated from all the adoptee anger online, it invaded the "first mother" page on Facebook. If I hear one more adult adopted person demand that I "take responsibility" for THEIR problems while behaving like bratty toddlers, I will scream. The worst abuse seems to come from the "obligated and grateful" adoptee or the ones who did draw a less-than-receptive mother in the mix. The latter like to blame all mothers for the behavior of theirs, yet excuse lies and neurotic behavior from their adopters.
I understand the feelings, but I object to the actions. The feelings are based on erroneous perceptions but they have to have time to deal with that. While they are dealing, too many of them are mother-bashing. That's where I get off the "poor adoptee" boat. We can respect them and their feelings without being a slave to their perceptions. One of the worst irritations comes when they want us to pay homage to all adopters...by not calling them adopters.
"When you call my AP's "adopters," you hurt my feelings." This from an adult man. Well, golly gee, Fella. You must be awfully thin skinned to think it is all about you and the people who adopted you. And don't start with that "taking responsibility" crap. I speak for myself and for a million or so other mothers from my era who did not have a choice and who will not kiss your shoes in penance for something we didn't do, damn it.
Now, I have to tell you that this is directed towards a group of adopted people, not all of them. I know a large number of wonderfully adult adopted people who, while struggling with their issues, still maintain a caring and respectful tone towards others including their natural mothers. I respect them in return and am so glad to count them among my friends. I have learned a lot from them about understanding the reasons why adopted people have these feelings and how hard it is to come to terms with lies they have been told, the reality of who they are and who their mothers are, why their heritage was taken...it's not easy. But neither is it easy dealing with our trauma.
And to all those mothers/door mats that think we need to "mother up" and lay down for our adult children to use us as rugs or beasts of burden to carry their one-sided message, sorry, I'll pass. Call it, well, call it self-respect and expecting adult behavior from adults. (Now THERE'S a concept!) Our children are big boys and girls, now. That means it is past time for them to have learned the concepts of fairness, decency and kindness. The real enemy, the Industry, is laughing and counting their coins while you try to duke it out with us.
I'm tired of the abuse. Stop it!