Friday, July 02, 2010

Unexpected and Unplanned..Reality Check

Ah many of us have watched Martha Stewart, and all the design, cooking and other experts who make planning every little detail of our lives look doable? Ya just gotta have a plan.

And the same thing seems to permeate our culture when it comes to child-bearing. You need to have a house at least partially paid for, be established in your career and have a college fund started before you even go off the pill. So sayeth the experts in families. Yeah, right. Life is like that, now isn't it?

If every pregnancy were planned, that might be doable. But there is the little hitch that nothing is perfect and neither is birth control nor human passion. Unexpected and unplanned can be problematic in a pregnancy. But to equate that with an unwanted child is ridiculous. Only my last child was planned. The first three were not planned but, when those little ones emerged into the world from my body, they were definitely ME, their Mother.

I am doing a bit of a follow-up on yesterday's post about money, the industry and the disparity between the way poor parents and well-off adopters are treated. Sometimes, that little tadpole and that little egg have a mind of their own. Sometimes, a young couple can get swept up in passion without proper precautions. Sometimes, those precautions fail. Not every pregnancy can get the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval for timing or be a Martha Stewart "good thing" for preparedness.

These are the pregnancies that make prey out of a mother-to-be. I know of one mom whose social wrecker sat down with her and went over some figures on raising a child to adulthood. It all comes back to the money. The fact that a young mom is not self-supporting or a young couple starting out doesn't have a big 401K should not mean that they don't deserve to raise their own child.

In ages past, all children were unexpected blessings. It is the cruel and judgmental nature of the patriarchy that put the onus on unmarried pregnancies. We should have, as a society, matured past that antiquated idea, but it seems we haven't or the adoption industry wouldn't be pulling down the big bucks.

An unexpected pregnancy, if the mother chooses to carry to term, should be an occasion for a family to draw closer, close ranks and make room at the table for one more. It's not going to kill the American tax-payer for a young mom to get WICK, ATDC and state Medicaid until she gets on her feet. And to the grandparents, how many of you were planned? The joys of being a grandparent far outweigh the work. In helping your daughter keep her child, finish her education and make something of herself for the sake of her child, you are being a real family.

A young, unmarried woman usually doesn't plan to become pregnant. Couples with dire financial woes don't just sit down and say, "Hey, let's have another kid!" But people are human with all the urges and drives and needs that are part of the human condition. To penalize these people for the fact that they are not well-to-do and that the pregnancies are unexpected is counter to everything our Constitution says. When did we become the Land of the Big Achiever and the Home of The Financially Elite? There are many horribly worse things than a simple life.

With my youngest, we were not in the greatest financial shape, but we had a home, jobs and worked hard. Why shouldn't we have had the right to have another child? Who is it that is making all these rules about who may and may not raise children?

Every time a new mother surrenders her child to adoption, I always wonder if she was offered that permanent "solution" for a temporary problem. I wonder where her family and the father of her child are in the scheme of things. I wonder if anyone who "counseled" her tried to offer her ways to keep her baby, finish her education and look to the future rather than drowning in the problems of the present. Chances are great that she will not be in the same position even a year down the line. I wonder if anyone told her that great truth, that this, too, shall pass and that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel?

Probably not. They probably wanted that womb-fresh infant too badly to give her impending motherhood a positive spin.

And that is NOT a good thing.


Anonymous said...


Every time a young mother loses her baby to adoption it breaks down the genetics bonds. It dilutes and lies
about true records and heritage and
what is important.Soon no one will know where they came from adoptors prefer it that way.

After all aren't we supposed to know our heritage? ONLY in adoption its alright to lie and cheat as long as one gets a baby, then we can pretend the baby had no heritage, and suddenly baby becomes adopter's heritage..dumb and dumber.

Let's pretend that baby never had a mom..never was born..where would the adopter be then...oh it makes me sick the pretenses, the lies, and secrets adoption creates..for what so someone can pretend they had a child?

Where were our parents. I never went into home but sure didn't have any support. Of, course, I was a real
bad "girl" got pg twice, was able to keep my first, but my second child FULL sibling had to be sacrificed for my penance. WE didn't even go to church!!! Step "dad" and his decisions.

My boyfriend off fighting,,,for somebody else me left to the wolves...without protection, ring.

Then the pack took me down..bloodied, and wounded I left hospital without my son. Where did they take him? Oh to foster home where the state paid a fosterer to care for him when I could have done the same thing for free. After all I wasn't "eligible" for help???? Only those who cared for someone else's baby, only those who needed someone else's baby. Wondering how much help my son's adopter got after all she was single soon after getting her second adopted child.
Bet she got something..but I couldn't keep my baby? wtf

ps all my mother's pregnancies were unplanned no birth control. Oh, I forgot that was forgiven if one had a ring...were they a better parent..because of that ring. no divorced, and we had it rough, but no one swopped in and took us! Saved us no in the fifties they were too busy taking newborns..well except the Baby Stealer Georgia Tann who influenced many by her secrets and lies. What a piece of work she was..and what a legacy of lies.
She even adopted and made her adopted child miserable but she was chosen so not molested or beaten that I know of like others...

oh my coffee way too strong in Seattle..sleepless again

bitter and

Anonymous said...

Omg, this post triggered me and I responded with too long of a post according to Google.

Probably better off after all I am bitter and angry. Need to move on and get over it. Guess 44 years is too long to mourn the loss.

All those that think that way should give their womb fresh baby away then let's see how they survive!

ps word verification was appropriate.Not in a trance the truth and dealing with the tragedy of adoption aftermath.

Anonymous said...

Lucky, I did get pg twice because my boyfriend died in war. He was dead at 19 my two babies wouldn't be here either would their babies, and the future.

oh, what a web we mother's weave getting pg...bad girl that I was and all.

only one boyfriend.loved him.

Von said...

Too right! Life's real, we need real,humane ways to work things out.

Anonymous said...

Kitta here:

When I first joined an adoption search/support group I noticed immediately the large number of adopted people whose adoptive parents had divorced, died, become alcoholic, lost their jobs, etc, etc.

Some had even been "returned" to the agency and one adopted man had been returned twice.

Adoption not only separates natural families but it doesn't usually provide the "stable forever home" for children.

Adoption is just plain cruel, and, in the way that children are taken from their is evil.