Ask a Stupid Question.......

....and you can really rile folks who are always being asked those stupid questions. Natural Moms and Adoptees are always being asked unanswerable questions on a level with the old "Have you stopped beating your wife?" The ones who promote adoption and the adoption-besotted general public think that there are simple yes and no answers to a very complex and convoluted situation.

It's sort of like explaining to moms in other nations that our Freedom of Information Act specifically excludes adoption. If they could observe the byways and back alleys through which our various legislations travel, they might understand that there is no law on the books in this country in which a big industry cannot find a built-in loophole. Remember...our representatives in congress are, for the most part, lawyers. They definitely know on which side their bread is buttered and how to get the most butter with the least hassle.

The Declassified Adoptee posted an excellent blog post (Thanks Amanda) on these unanswerable questions with which the adoptee is bombarded. These run along the lines of, "Would you rather......"
Have been aborted?
Have been left in an orphanage?
Have been raised by horrible people? >:o{
Had a horrible life?

The assumption about the horrors of the natural family are, in and of themselves, indicative of the brainwashed ignorance of the populace when addressing the issue of adoption. Let either the adoptee or the natural mother express even the slightest bit of frustration, grief or confusion and these non-experts are all over themselves letting you field these weird scenario questions, judging you as either too angry or ungrateful.

Mothers get the old, "But wasn't it better to have her/him raised by two, loving parents?" Uh..I didn't stay single, who says that adopters don't ever get divorced and, unfortunately, not all who adopt are that "loving."

"But," they will say, "keeping your baby would have ruined your life." Again, Uh, excuse me...having my babies appropriated for adoption came pretty damn close to ruining not just my life but the lives of all around me.

Just let you try to explain about the in utero bonding and the primal wound and they will cite their Uncle's sister-in-law's best friend who is adopted and who is perfectly happy, happy, happy. If you ask them if they know what is going on inside this adopted person's mind, they just blow you off as "bitter."

They will also insist that you did a "heroic, loving thing." THAT one chaps my hide, big time. It is hard to be heroic when you are backed against a wall, waving a white flag and terrified that you will wind up on the streets with nothing and no where to go. I was abandoned by the father, treated like I had committed murder and left with nothing but surrender as the only option. One choice is no choice at all.

I know one mother who was divorcing her husband of a few, short months. She didn't know, until after the decree was in the works, that she was pregnant. Her family argued and debated with her until she gave up and surrendered her baby for adoption. They gave her all those reasons...a two-parent family...the baby would suffer....they would wind up on the streets...but what they really were wanting her to do was make it convenient for all of them, especially financially, and also remove any reminders of the cruel, disliked ex-husband within their clan. That story will always bother me on a very deep level. It is as though many of our families used adoption like a form of retroactive birth control and that is a living oxymoron.

For most of us natural mothers, there is no, "getting over it" or "moving on with life." We carry that baby with us, everywhere, inside our hearts, minds and memories until the day we die. I can remember trying to explain the resurgence of grief upon reunion to one family member. "But it's been over 30 years. Shouldn't you have gotten past that by now?" HOW?? I was never allowed to grieve for my living but missing children in the first place. Suppressed and unexpressed grief is raw, ragged and feels like broken glass in your chest.

People are, too often, sheep who will buy whatever the popular media is selling and whatever the ads are promoting. We, too often, judge the cover without reading the book. And, worst of all, we will judge another's journey without ever having taken it, ourselves. It is intellectual and social laziness. It is easier to accept assumptions and heresay than to actively investigate a matter and keep an open mind while doing so.

So, quick, now...yes or no...have you stopped beating your wife?