Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Sticks and Stones...Martyrs and Saints

While I have made it a policy not to engage in debate or arguments in the comment section of my blog, I do read all comments. Each one of us handles these things in the way that is best for them. For me, it is best to delete and refuse to get caught up in the back and forth that usually goes nowhere because neither party is going to change his or her mind on the subject. However, some just beg to be answered in kind.

On my last post, I was honored with being the target of sticks and stones thrown by a "saint" (adopter) and a "martyr" or, as I have decided to dub these wannabe heroines, "birth-martyrs." I guess we could also call them the thanker and the thankee. It makes me wonder what the "gift" thinks of the whole thing, down deep where the saintly adopter and the birth-martyr can't penetrate.

To the birth-martyr who thinks she did such a wonderful thing; Well, aren't YOU special? If this is how you cope, how you manage to deal with that hole in your heart, then rock on with your bad self. But watch out because the river of De-Nial is full of crocodiles and hippos, oh my!

To the saintly adopter who questions my "inner strength"; My goodness, Ms. Thing, I had no idea that engaging in name-calling, written brawls was an indicator of inner strength. You know what I think inner strength is? No? Well, I'm going to tell you, anyway. Inner strength is carrying on a life and trying to make it a good one when parts of your soul have been ripped from you. Inner strength is refusing to keep a toxic secret and standing up, in public, for what you believe to be true and right, even when...no, make that especially when it is a somewhat unpopular stance.

Inner strength is finding your worth within yourself, rather than in your "heroic deed" (adopting) or your "brave sacrifice" (being a birth-martyr). It is realizing that no other person on earth can make you feel what you don't want to feel about yourself or your life or your ideals. Inner strength is standing fast and taking the responsibility of raising your own child, no matter how much resistance you get to that idea from either family or those that would profit by your surrender. Mothers of today have choices that we didn't during the EMS.

I got a phone call the other night from a dear, smart, adopted adult friend who is wanting to try to change things. She had been contacted by a mother who surrendered here in Florida and, after the 24-hour rescinding period was up, realized that she had done herself and her child a disservice. The problem is that all I can offer her is support and the truth....that she has been thoroughly screwed. I know the adoption broker that "helped" her out of her child and he is a sly fox of a baby-seller. She needs a lot of emotional support because it isn't going to stop hurting or even stop hurting less anytime soon.

We Senior Mothers have posted ourselves blue in the face, trying to tell these newer moms just how painful it is for both us and our children. I have seen pre-verbal grief in a newly adopted infant and I know she was in deep distress. The time to act is before these coercers in sheep's clothing get hold of you. DON'T SIGN ANYTHING! Your child will thank you. My adult daughter actually thanked me for not wanting to surrender her.

Otherwise, you'll get your thanks from the saints (adopters) for being such a good little birth-martyr. You can buy the advertising and drink the Kool Ade or you can call a halt and keep your child. Oh, and my "anger bubble" hasn't burst. Since that anger is only one part of my life, it stays pretty much intact because it is a new, improved RIGHTEOUS and well-directed anger bubble.

Mr. and Mrs. Saint, you guys could help keep a little family together rather than love-bombing some poor putz of a kid who is brainwashed into thinking she will always be your best buddy and her child will just be in your care but not really yours.

If you were to thank me for surrendering my children, you'd not be happy with the reply.


Sandy Young said...

Thank you, Darlin' for helping me to finding the inner strength to do something I don't know if I can...create a website. LOL. I am having a heck of a time with this!

This particular blog post of yours rocks! Very well said, Robin. I always want to tell the Birth Martyrs to get back to me in 20 years and tell me then what a wonderful choice they made. All Smoke and Mirrors!!!

maybe said...

OMG, birth-martyrs! What they don't realize is when their kids grow up, they will be pretty mad to hear their mother say, "I'm so happy I gave you away." Certainly not a recipe for a good reunion.

As for your anger, it is exactly what is needed in the face of oppression. It's not enough to go to therapy, or try to heal in other ways, without addressing the fundamental cause of the pain. In the case of adoption, the exploitation of young women is rampant. Adoption is an oppressive system that needs to be dealt with.

Thinking Mama said...

Your blog gives me, a reunited adult adoptee, much strength. All of us who write against the $1.5 billion (or more?) adoption industry receive these kinds of e-mails and such from adopters and their birth-martyrs (what a fabulous name!). Thank you so much for holding to what is true and right, in a world where that is indeed a difficult thing to do.

triona said...

As one of those "gifts" (aka an adult adoptee), I'll tell you what I think of the whole thing. I am disgusted with adopters who assume they "rescued" us from a life of poverty and neglect. Get out of your "saintly" mindset! You are part and parcel of a phenomenally corrupt system. After all, without customers there's no market for "gifts" like me.

I am furious at those adopters who, like mine, take it upon themselves to block access to birth records by adult adoptees and birth relatives. Quite frankly, as my adoptive father informed me, it's none of your damn business.

The birth-martyrs make me want to cry. My own mother is one. I wish I could tell her that bottling this up is only going to make things worse, but she clings fast to her secrets. Unfortunately that "secret" happens to be me.

For all those people who have told me, in person, on my blog, or in my hearing, that I should "get over" being angry about adoption - tough! On the contrary, I'm finding the anger enlightening. It galvanizes me to take action. You may not agree with what people like Robin and I say or how we say it, but the one thing you cannot say is that we took it lying down.

Robin, as always, thank you for an excellent and eye-opening post.

Anonymous said...

Well this post kicks ass!

Another adult adoptee here, never was a gift, and don't appreciate the assumption I was, nor was I saved, and I don't appreciate that assumption either.

well said R.