I Yam A Rock

I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself of late. I didn't realize how much until I found myself singing "I Am A Rock" by Paul Simon, all misty-eyed while doing laundry. C'mon, Lady....get a grip! I always thought Simon's anthem to teen-age angst was nothing but musical thumb-sucking and all of a sudden I think it is great poetry? How could I find myself identifying with this kind of adolescent mewling? What was my problem? Was it realizing that I was not the most popular kid on the block? Was it watching my world getting smaller and smaller as I grow older? Or was it just adoption issues in-fighting overload? And what was my part in that? So why was I singing this sad song?

I Am A Rock

 P. Simon, 1965

 A winter's day, In a deep and dark December

I am alone

Gazing from my window

To the streets below

On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow (try saying that three times fast)

I am a rock

I am an island

I've built walls

A fortress deep and mighty

That none may penetrate

I have no need of friendship

Friendship causes pain

It's laughter and it's loving I disdain

I am a rock

I am an island

Don't talk of love

Well I've heard the word before

It's sleeping in my memory

I won't disturb the slumber

Of feelings that have died

If I never loved I never would have cried

I am a rock

I am an island

I have my books

And my poetry to protect me

I am shielded in my armor

Hiding in my room

Safe within my womb

I touch no one and no one touches me

I am a rock

I am an island

And a rock feels no pain

And an island never cries..(Yeah, right!)

I looked around and saw that there were so many  in adopto-land who were sucking their own passies and feeling as if they were the Lone Ranger. I also realized that no one can change anyone else's mind against their will. But, God/dess knows, many, including me, have tried and what we got out of it were tons of frustration, a few enemies and a lack of progress.

I have always prided myself on saying it like it is, no beating around the bush and calling a duck a duck. At times, I realize that I have pushed that past the boundaries of tact and consideration. I had to remind myself that it was the casual, verbal cruelty of a much-loved relative whose motto was "I calls 'em like I sees 'em" that drove a wedge between us that remains in place to this day. She also had a bad habit of pressing on the accelerator of her mouth before she put her mind in gear. She has a hair-trigger temper and is extremely sensitive though she tries to deny it.Well darn, Robin. Were you not trying to emulate her, just a bit? Did you finally realize that her strength was also her weakness? What can you learn from that?

Now, does that mean that I said things that I think are wrong in concept? Nope. I pretty much still see thing the way I see them. But I could have either said nothing or said it differently and in other venues. The fact of the matter is that it takes two to make a cat fight. If I refuse to engage in a fracas, then there goes the impetus. One person can't keep an argument going. And a vendetta is a waste of time. Most mature people will realize that and give it up. Holding grudges and pouting and withdrawing..those things are for people who have yet to reach adullthood.

I received a fresh injection of hope from Lily Arthur in Australia. She has picked up the mantle that was left when Dian Welfare passed on to a better place (ie., one with no adoption) and has, with her group, made some inroads into the legislature. The original Origins USA was formed to address the crimes against the mothers of the BSE. It started failing at that when it went after numbers in membership and tried to be all things to all adoption-affected people. CUB was a real force for change but has become, in the estimation of some, a paper tiger. But they keep plugging away, down under, and they are getting there. If anyone has ever seen Lily's story, you know that she is a real fighter.

Well, those of us in the reconstructed and more focused SMAAC, are going to do the same thing and keep at it. We have a nastier, more powerful, more well-funded opponent, but we also have our passion and our beliefs. Those who have taken their energies in other directions have received my wishes for good fortune. I won't be fighting with them unless they start pushing more legislation that requires that the mother bare her soul to the state. Mandatory medical and psycho-social histories are a tarpit that will trap and smother some for the sake of others. Is that what we want? I don't think so. That, I will debate until I die. And I am all about the mothers of the EMS. That hasn't changed. I've just decided to cool my pits a bit.

So, thumb out of my mouth, pacifier in the trash...I have work to do.