Porch Time in The Mountains

As we wait for the market to perk up and a chance to get the house sold, we spend a lot of time on the patio, with our eyes closed, dreaming. We had to move our timetable up another year and now have targeted Spring, 2011, as 'get the hell out of Florida' season. I don't know if either of us can manage another FL summer.

One of our "must-haves" in the house we hope to put on our land in WV is a porch or a covered deck with two rocking chairs. "Porch time" is great for re-charging spent emotional and physical batteries or just enjoying the gifts of nature. We have a hard time doing that with international jets coming in on the glide path over our heads and the front of the house is sub-division city. The back patio looks out over a more open area, a meadow and woods that is a designated wildlife sanctuary. But, even out back, you can hear every train, every siren, every bit of highway hum and horn-blowing. City folks, we ain't.

I am wondering where I will be with this blog, activism and the wild and crazy world of adoption loss, flames, debates and other indoor sports when we make THE move. Presently, I also deal with our personal, real-life needs, plans and the welfare of a little dog who was unfortunate enough to be prone to a nasty disease. I administer a chemotherapy drug to him, by mouth, three days a week. We have designated those days as "kick cancer's ass" days. The rest of the time, we are proclaiming "just be a dog" days.

Maybe I need to have "just be a person" days. I define myself, first, as a woman, then as a wife, mother, mommy, Nanny, great-grandmother, friend, sister, auntie, activist for Natural Mothers etc. But all those labels carry burdens and so much going on that the woman, the person, can often get buried if I am not very careful. Some days, I just want to be free to be at peace with who I am, to love my husband, kids, family, doggie and friends and sit on the porch and listen to the creek sing down the mountain. I don't want to debate, argue, prove a point or educate a damn soul. I just want to rock, breathe and listen.

I am tired of being labeled as "loose," "abandoner" and a second class person with no civil or human rights just because I loved, not wisely, the wrong guy as a teen and then had the bad luck to be with another guy who took what he wanted. I am sick to death of being blamed, being threatened with unreasonable requirements to be executed by the state, and being told I forfeited my rights to stand up for myself because of something I was forced to do at age 16. Sixteen then is nothing at all like sixteen, now. I'm not just tired of it, I am goddamn tired of it and I am leaning more and more towards chucking it all and heading for the porch.

How can I be expected to support someone who cannot even treat me with respect? I refuse to be a door mat for anyone or any cause, no matter how righteous. I don't think I should have to accept debasement in order to give support. I remember watching a movie once, where the ruler was walking through the market place when he came upon a large mud puddle. Now, he could have walked around it, but he just stood there, expectantly, while a group of slaves made their way to the puddle and laid down in it so that he could walk across using their bodies as a bridge. Not No, but No, Nae, Never!!!! I refuse to cringe and bow and scrape and act as a bridge over a mud puddle for anyone just because I am a Natural MOTHER.

Again, I surrendered, under duress, my PARENTAL rights, ONLY. I did NOT surrender my human or civil rights. And there is no one strong enough or with the right to take those from me.

My home is not open to anyone to come in and treat me and my sisters with disrespect. That includes my Facebook page and my blog. If you want my help, treat me with respect, do not make unreasonable demands of me, and appreciate my support rather than accepting it as just that to which you are entitled.

Let me know if that is all right with you. I'll be waiting on the porch. Oh, and if it sounds like I am pissed, I am. I also have as much right to that emotion as anyone else.