Sunday, May 04, 2008

Adding Insult To Injury

In the opening to her wonderful article,
Birthmothers Day Celebrations" - An Adoptee's Perspective , Anne Patterson, adoptee and activist states;

"Of all the most condescending, insulting visions of adopters and baby brokers, the day called "Birthmothers Day" would win the prize for ignorance and disregard."

You said a mouthful, Anne. To grieving, shattered mothers who have lost children to the adoption machine, and to adoptees who are struggling with feelings of rejection, identity confusion and grief over the loss of their heritage and their natural parents, "Birthmother's Day" has got to be one of the most heinous of constructs of the industry and adopters to date. I so agree with Anne's statement and her entire perception of the "celebration." It is, indeed, a slap in the face of every mother who was sucked into the adoption maelstrom, and in the face of the lost and confused adoptee. I encourage you to click on the link and read her entire article.

This specious observance is looming in the near future, again, this year. Adopters, agencies and "good beemommies," hungry for the "you did the right thing" lie and pat on the back, will gather to "celebrate" the mothers' loss as a "donation to the joy of the adoptive family." In other words, don't give blood, give babies. As egregious as that sounds, we have been referred to as "baby donors." How much worse can it get? Why don't they all just drop the pretense and refer to us as "human brood mares?" Maybe the good barfmuggles of today can hack it, but those of us who have been through the BSE mill and others who recognize that they were coerced and robbed of their child are appalled at the very idea.

I participated in one of these ceremonies in 1993, a few months after my daughter found me and a couple of months before we found my son. There was nothing celebratory about it. The weeping was audible, the tears were abundant and the sorrow was a dark, palpable presence in that large room. It wasn't a was like a funeral, I left that room an emotional, sobbing, grieving wreck and I vowed never to participate in that kind of thing, again.

How do these people who push this day think that it makes our children feel? We are celebrating losing them...having them taken from us...surrendering to the forces that came to bear upon us? That is a slap in their face as well as a further kick in our rears. Well, this MOTHER is mad as Hell and is not going to let this inane idea of a celebration go by without throwing a few stones in that direction. My children and I do NOT celebrate our separation by greed and covetousness as a "happy occasion." We celebrate the renewal of our connection and the fact that the bond never broke, no matter how hard the adopters tried.

I will receive my good wishes from my adult surrendered children on MOTHER'S DAY, as is right and proper. That is how it has been since we reunited and how it continues. If that bothers some of you adopters out there, too frickin' bad. I didn't ask to be a "baby donor," and I refuse to behave like one. The industry, if it hopes to survive our wrath, is going to have to come up with something better than this kind of garbage. We are NOT "heroines" who did "what was best" for our child. We are the coerced victims, along with our children, of a hateful institution, a social experiment of eugenics by social workers with God complexes, a media-driven mythology, the covetous greed of adopters and a $1.6 billion-a-year industry.

Ya know, maybe we should set Mother's Day aside for the Natural Mothers, only, and have an "Adopter's Day" and a ceremony, complete with a "gotcha" cake and "chase the pregnant teen" contests and each one could talk about their infertility. Maybe, if they were to be kicked in the teeth the way this day kicks us and our children, they might think better of trying to cheat us out of even least they could stop trying to take away our right to be acknowledged as Mothers on the day put aside to honor the Mother.

I am so tired of the industry and their customers throwing crumbs at mothers while continuing with business as usual, that I could barf. "Birthmother's Day" is just another handful of crumbs and any mother who participates is lowering herself to the role of handmaid to the adopters. Please, mothers, get some pride, some backbone and some self-respect and refuse to be a party to your own degradation. Losing our children was the ultimate injury. This so-called "tribute to beemommies" is the ultimate insult. Remember, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." Eleanor Roosevelt said this. I may not have it exactly right, but I believe in the spirit and intent of those words. Don't let them keep you in an inferior role. Stand up as a MOTHER.

Robin Kinney Westbrook
MOTHER to Sara (4/6/62) and Jay (6/3/63), taken for adoption and back in the fold.
And very grateful MOTHER to Kerry (9/12/65) and Sam (1/15/71), raised by me.


Unknown said...

I love the idea of an Adopters Day. Let's start it. We can announce all the adopters that we "honor" on this day of days. They will just "love" it.....

Anonymous said...


Adopters Day is a great idea!

Shall we make it a yearly event say right before Mother's Day!

That way those who have acquired a baby, a child or whatever as one can adopt a highway, a dog, a bill,will have a day, right before
Mother's Day to honor themselves and the act of adopting.

Adopter's Day 2008! First Annual Adopter's Day!!!!


Anonymous said...

Thank you for writing this.
I think any mother who would cooperate with this sick little travesty is still drinking the adoption Koolaid by the gallon. "[D]id the right thing"? What choice did any of us BSE mothers have?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for posting the link to the article. I am new to this reunion stuff. With mother's day coming up will he call me? I wonder. Our relationship is progressing.

I know his amom doesn't think of me as his mom at all. Strange isn't it?


Anonymous said...

Birthmother's Day is for.......Burfmuggles!!

Anonymous said...

I feel bad for them.

When they wake up and find out they have sold their soul for a lie, it's gonna be really tough.

Robin said...

And wake up, they will, Barb. That's when they turn to us for understanding.

Anonymous said...

I feel for them, Robin.