Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Mixers and Poseurs

There is always someone around who wants to stir things up for attention, malice, or whatever. Those who complain about the numerous organizations for mothers with different designations or needs tend to be those who, themselves, were instrumental in bringing about some of the rifts. The fact is that there are mothers of all sizes, shapes, flavors and colors whose needs are not exactly the same. Anyone who wants to pour us all into one pot and stir will get a noxious brew that is unpalatable and just causes one to run in circles without any real results. These are the mixers, the ones who provoke in a passive/aggressive style and then deny their intent. These are the ones who are anathema to the goals of any of the mothers' groups.

There are some moms who are still searching and have yet to learn a lot about what was actually done to them, there are some who are older and want to have the particular trespasses of their era addressed, others who need help in dealing with reunion, some in "open" adoptions....the list can go on and on. Some were coerced, some were brainwashed and some believed the hype until it was too late.

I am a member of some support groups where there are mothers just starting to deal with the many aspects and heartaches of reunion. I am not the militant activist there that I am in SMAAC or here, on my blog. That is because the need is DIFFERENT! (Maybe if I shout, someone might get the message.)

This is the reason we have formed SMAAC (Senior Mothers Adoption Activism COALITION) as, not only a group to seek redress for the horror of the mass surrenders during our era, but as a way to be open to what any other groups are doing and, if it meets our criteria, act in support. Motherhood and the loss to adoption are the thread that loosely ties us together, but circumstances, eras, state of reunions, and attitudes give us different needs.

I went out to Geneva, FL, to a wonderful horse farm there to visit a friend, not too long ago. There were horses everywhere but there were different areas for different horses. The breedable mares and the stallions were kept separate for obvious reasons. There were geldings, yearlings, the untrained and, in another place, the steady, trained, trail-riding mounts. There were roans, blacks, pintos, palominos, whites, Appaloosas, mustangs, huge draft horses and Arabians. Due to the different temperaments and uses, these various animals were kept in their own areas. Yes, they were all horses, but with very different needs. Some could pasture and feed together, some could not...but yes, they were all horses. Mothers of adoption loss? Same thing.

Now, I might be wrong, but I question the motives of anyone who wants to lump us all together in one "brew." Could it be that someone wants to be a big fish in a big pond rather than a big fish in a little pond? I rather think that could possibly be the case. Inflated ego and arrogance are terrible things in anyone, even a Mother of Adoption Loss.

In any event, SMAAC, BSERI and other groups will continue to do what they need to do to meet the needs of their particular constituents. We are not just going to jump into a cauldron and will not be assimilated by the Mother of Adoption Loss Borg. Resistance is not only NOT futile, it is necessary. We have to do what we have to do for ourselves. No one else is going to do it for us.

So, quote Gandhi or MLK or anyone else....these people were devoted to a cause for a specific group of are we. BN works for the adopted person...nothing else. They sure as heck won't get thrown into a witch's kettle and neither will we! We work for the good of the Senior Mother and we are proud of our designation, even when there are those who would mock it.

Wicked potion brewers never learn.


Anonymous said...

What that particular malcontent who wants us to all play happily together "like the old days" forgets is that in "the old days" the rights of adoptees to open records was *the one* issue that everyone was happily playing in the sandbox with. The rights of natural mothers were not even on the agenda. Everyone wanted open records (and, then, open adoption). That was seen as the holy grail.

The right of a mother to keep her baby was never thought of. Adopters weren't lobbying for more babies for the market, more rights to the unborn babies of vulnerable mothers, erased grace periods after birth or revokation periods. That was all under the radar.

They wanted our babies. We wanted our babies. There is no common ground or compromise. And mothers are no longer going to put up and shut up about being harvested and abused or go back to fighting for adoptee rights and ignoring our own.

Robin said...

Oh, the person about whom I blog and her ilk are more dangerous than reactionary. This kind of diva posturing is what causes rifts and factions.

As an adopted friend of mine said, "Go for what your interest and needs are. That's what we are doing."

Anonymous said...

Hi there - great blog! may I please post a link to a forum i run? the forum is for people affected / curious about child welfare in ontario -- I would like to post it under the thread:
"is relinquishment ever really voluntary?" -- I think your blog sums it all up really nicely.
Please advise:

Anonymous said...

anon said..""And mothers are no longer going to put up and shut up about being harvested and abused or go back to fighting for adoptee rights and ignoring our own.""

I agree anon.. for far too long surrendering mothers have taken to the back seat, appeasing adopters with the burfmuggle term and only speaking out in regards to the rights of the adopted population and glomming on to any ole bone the adoption industry fraudulently sent our way, as you said..Open Adoption. Why has it taken so long for us Mothers to fully accept, that yes...we have rights as well and we did have legal and human rights when our babies were taken from us,(most times immediately after the baby was born) for no other reason than we were young and unmarried. To fulfill the desires of stranger couples who were desperate to be parents or to round out the genders of the children already in their midst, whether they were adopted or naturally born to, for adoptors to insure companionship (or care-givers in their old age), for adoptors who did not want to feel left out when their sibs and neighbors were having children of their own,etc., etc., etc. Many of legal and human rights were trampled immediately into the ground..all in the best interest of! Phooey! We may not have been the wiser decades ago...but we are a hell of a lot wiser to the dastardly game that we unwittingly and unknowingly participated in. I can never have my baby back, never. But I sure as hell can announce to the Adoption Industry.. we Senior Mothers never forgot our children, nor did we ever forget the grievious and inhumane treatment that was afforded us, mostly in isolation and behind closed doors. I am sick to death, beyond measure, of being told what I feel, what I don't feel, what I remember and what I don't remember. I am sick to death of being painted as some dark, cold-hearted, fish-woman who wantonly 'abandoned' her own baby. That is what the Adoption Industry (and it's minions) have always wanted the general public to believe. And by courtesy of the Media..the Adoption Industry did a bang-up job of it! So much so, many of our own reunited adult children, believe the slop that they have heard either at the adopter's knees and/or the media. My rights in everyway were violated, as a mother and as a human being and a female at that! It was prejudicial, discriminatory and many times bordering on the illegal. My baby is gone..but I am still here and my memory is still quite intact as to what was done to me and to my child. One way or another I will fight for the acknowledgement from the Powers that be or were..that my Rights were violated when I was pregnant, during L&D and immediately after my baby was born!! In order for me to forget the past I would have to have a lobotomy and that Dear Friends, is not happening anytime soon!!

Proud Member of..
Senior Mothers Adoption Activist Coalition