I am beginning to think that the stock answer for every issue we mothers of adoption loss have, especially from "good little beemommies," "loyal, obligated adoptees" and self-entitled adopters/PAPs, is that we are, somehow, bitter and angry people without a life. I can remember some of the younger "good bee-moms" calling us Senior Mothers "bitter old birthmoms" or "bobs." That translates, I am told, into dildos or "battery operated boyfriend." Gee, wasn't that clever? Nothing to get incensed about there. Nosiree.
It came to me, last night, as I was lying in my husband's arms (going on 20, happy years here) and making jokes and laughing our heads off, that the people who make these judgments don't really know us at all. We have a cause and we have reason for our displeasure, but that isn't all we are about as individuals. We work jobs or careers, keep homes, some have raised children, grandchildren (I even have GREAT-grandchildren), go on vacations, have friends, hobbies, pay taxes...well, shoot, that makes us sound normal. What a concept!
Now, let's explore that Anger thing. Let's see....if you, as a young, vulnerable girl, were condemned as immoral, deviant, a disgrace to your family, isolated, given sub-standard medical care, told you were unfit to be a mother to your own, natural child and forced into surrender, not allowed to grieve and seen by those that knew the story as "soiled goods," all because you loved, not wisely but too well, wouldn't you be just a little bit sore? If you were blamed for it all while the guy you thought was the love of your life got off with a wink and a nudge, wouldn't you feel just a bit put-upon? I mean, we did carry and give birth to a living child only to have that child taken from us. Did anyone really think that the loss of a child was a minor pain we would "get past" and then "go on with our lives" as if it had never happened?
We were not like the young women of today. We did not enjoy the autonomy of the liberated female of this present era. Young women who had sex outside of marriage were called sluts whether we only had one partner or many or even if we were raped. We did what we were told and we were told to keep silent, so we did and we held it in for decades. When reunions started popping up all over the country, many of us sleepers awakened and, yes, we got mad! We also went through all the mourning we had stuffed down for anywhere from 30 to 40+ years. We worked through our pain and realized that we needed to speak out and demand attention for what was done to us and to our children.
Now we see our daughters and granddaughters in danger of facing the same kind of anguish. Unless the savagery of the Era of Mass Surrenders is described to the public in no uncertain terms, unless we can persuade our government that this would be a bad move, women will once again be treated as breeders and chattel. If being angry about what happened to us and to our children can help bring that about, then, Hell YES, we're pissed. But it is a righteous, earned anger and we are not going to apologize for it or be ashamed of it.
We're not the vulnerable victims we once were. We're empowered by that "anger" that so many want to use as an insult. As I have noted before, I think the African Americans, during the Civil Rights Movement of the '60's, were somewhat miffed and it powered an effective and historical change in our nation's social climate.
For the millions of young women who had their infants taken from them, who were seen as unfit because of age, marital status and financial need, who were not allowed to know our children as they grew, who were not allowed expression of their grief, it's our turn and "anger management" isn't going to stop us. We're not out to hurt anyone with our anger unless it might be the people who make money in the infant trade. We are out to find justice and recognition. That's a very effective use of a normal human emotion...anger. The emotion isn't wrong. It's what you do with it that counts.
Someone said that the name of our organization, SMAAC, sounded "angry." Well Gee...Ya think?
I love that your organization is called SMAAC! A lot of people need a "SMAAC" upside the head to wake them up to what was done to the BSE women!
YOU are so right on in your post about "righteous" anger.
And those who called us "bobs" they need to check themselves if they actually think we have NO CAUSE to be angry.
Maybe today's modern woman is perfectly happy being a happy b mommy live with that for about 20 plus years and then call us back.I know of one personally who argued with some of us mothers how SHE did the right thing, then she woke up, and reunited, now she singing another tune.
Today with birth control available, with abortion available along with court ordered support, family support etc women of today are still getting pg.
Tell me WHAT makes these women so much smarter or gives them cause to call us names. Seems to me when one has everything they STILL can't get it right!
Can you tell me how to link my blog with yours? I can't seem to do that simple thing?
ps my just turned 18 yr old granddaughter doesn't think anything about the fact that there might be NO birth control or abortion if those in power have their way. She is in love, good luck sweetie, because NO way to protect yourself is a pitiful way to go. OH, and she isn't having sex. NOT yet.
""Someone said that the name of our organization, SMAAC, sounded "angry." Well Gee...Ya think?""
You have got to be kidding me?? Sounds angry?? O! My ...maybe rather than SMAAC.. BHB..Bubble-Head Birthmommies, or Senior Burfmuggles Ga-Ga Over Adoption or Happy Shiny Beemommies, Senior Burfmuggles Love Adoptors, Burfmuggles on Knees, Senior Burfmuggles Who Know Their Place, Former Sluts Who Dumped Their Babies, or maybe MOAB...Mothers of all Bastards! The PAPs, Adoptors and yes even some adoptees can't stand to know there is at least a small vocal population of Senior Surrendering Mothers, who are quite vocal and are NOT Happy Shiny Beemommies..still on bended knee to unknown adoptors. Unlike many of our lost children, we are NOT THANKFUL, NOT GRATEFUL to the Adoptors and the Powers That Were, for taking our newborns from us! And why should we be? Look at the many articles and wailing rants by PAPs and Adoptors, when the natural mother changes her mind and does not opt for the adoption option. PAPs will wail, they 'bonded' to 'their children' via a picture or a 4 hour get-together in a hotel room!! How dare that Bad BM change her mind, afterall the PAP 'bonded' with the pic of a child or with the 4 hour visit with the stranger child in a hotel room. Then they tell us we are angry, what's wrong with that Big Bad, Ungrateful BM??!! Doesn't her nasty self recognize the bond of an adoptor mother with a picture?? They can be angry and cry over the child that was never theirs in the first place, that is quite acceptable, even applauded and supported. But should a natural mother even nicely vocalize her displeasure that she did not want to lose her child to adoption, well! that is totally Unacceptable. Worse than that if the Big Bad BM dares to sound really angry, then she is told that was only her experience, she is just a plain, bitter/angry person to begin with and it's her fault that she doesn't recognize the adoptor as being superior and that O! MY GOODNESS and by all that is Holy! this lower class human female cannot see all the wonder and beauty of adoption, and her own newborn being taken from her in all the Holy Splendor of Adoption... simply because MRS did not grace her last name. Nooooo, we should not be angry...How dare we! 'THEY' would all just like to see us fade back into the woodwork again...made it O! so much nicer and convenient for all those who condoned and participated in the wholesale harvesting of our newborns during the Era of Mass Surrenders...for no reason other than not being married. Me angry...never... LOL!
I can't decide which one I like best, my fav four:
Happy Shiny Beemommies, Burfmuggles on Knees,
Former Sluts Who Dumped Their Babies,
Mothers of all Bastards (MOAB)
You ladies are great, nothing wrong with ANGER.
And to anyone who can't deal with anger, well, they'll GET OVER IT.
BTW, PAPs who bond with a photo are mental.
""BTW, PAPs who bond with a photo are mental.""
Yes, they know from just gazing at a photo of a newborn or toddler..that this was the child that was meant to be theirs via God's Intervention, to be a part of their Forever Family! Wowee-Wowee-Wowee...if that doesn't make one sound like a person who needs to be 'fast-tracked' to the nearest Casa Del Whacko and put on some major Head-Meds!,I don't know what does..
And they say...we are crazy?? Pardon Moi! but I so seriously beg to differ.. I didn't have a 'picture' nor a 'paper pregnancy', I had the real deal...a newborn who grew in my body, who was a part of every living cell and nerve in my body, who lived within my body, who was nourished by my body, a child who knew my every heartbeat, the sound of the flow of my blood, the sound of my voice. I felt her first movements, I felt her first hiccups, I knew when she was awake and when she was sleeping. I felt the first contractions of birth pain when my child was ready to be born, I labored intensely and gave all my energies to birth my child, I ripped and tore for my child, I bled for my child, I screamed for my child and I wept for my child. I don't think any of the above is possible with a picture or a piece of paper...no matter how hard they try..you can't give birth thru your own body...to a picture or a piece of paper. Also the real facts of nature are...the vast majority of human babies grow in human female wombs, not in some empty magical place under someone's heart, nor does the stork drop them in cute baskets from the sky to the PAP doorstep! Nor do babies grow on Baby Bushes, drop from Baby Trees or grow in Cabbage Patches. No matter how 'they' try to deny...the baby/child they covet had a 'real' mother before the substitute/replacement mother came on the scene...fantasies simply do not erase the basic facts of life for human beings.
I don't understand how mothers of loss can NOT be angry.
"Unlike many of our lost children, we are NOT THANKFUL, NOT GRATEFUL to the Adoptors and the Powers That Were, for taking our newborns from us!"
~Amen to that!
...and thanks, Robin, for another great post that validates much of what I feel.
Can we vote on this after all it has to be a choice on what we would call ourselves.
I vote for Burfmuggles on Knees that way it can be taken any way the reader would prefer.
Begging or crumbs or ???
My vote: Burfmuggles on Knees
Post a Comment