What with open records going into effect in Maine, there just had to be someone who would trot out that old chestnut about NATURAL parent privacy. This time, the Portland Press Herald editorial board has at it and, as usual, conveys all the old, erroneous mythology and the abject terror of a tiny group of mothers who can't shake the shame from decades ago. You can read all about it at Bastardette's blog.
How many times are we going to have to say it? We have adoption facilitators and attorneys that, by twisting the truth, have perpetrated a lie that the general public still believes. The ONLY time we had any privacy or anonymity was when our parents were hiding us and our swollen bellies away from the sight of the neighbors. Those surrender documents that many of us signed had not a word about any kind of guaranteed "privacy" from our own children! The concept, in and of itself, is ridiculous.
The real scoop is that it was the adopters that had the guarantee of privacy and protection from the specter of the natural mother showing up, having changed her mind. I remember being threatened with prison should I ever try to find my children. Privacy stipulations were NOT put in place for the protection of the natural mother. They are there, solely, for the perpetration of the parenthood fantasy of the adopter.
Yes, there is a small, actually minute, number of mothers who never got past the shame that was placed on them by their families and the facilitators. They lied to the men they married and carried that lie with them for years until it threatened to blow up in their faces. I have seen many a mother tell her husband and raised children about the child she lost to adoption and, in most cases, these family members were lovingly supportive and even excited.
My biggest gripe with the Portland paper, the Evan B. Donaldson Institute, the NSFA, the AAC and others is that all these people take it upon themselves to speak for the mothers. In case they haven't been watching or listening, we have found our voice and we are going to tell the truth of our experiences whether they like it or not. No one has been given the right to speak for all of us. No one "voice" is the go-to for the skinny on the natural mother experience because there are different circumstances and eras.
It's time for the talking heads and the self-appointed experts (among them, sad to say, mothers who think that what was true for them is true for all) to step back and let us speak for ourselves. We have voices, we have brains and we have the real scoop for all to hear. One of those realities is that most of us would never elect to not be contacted by our own child of our body.
Take a seat and lend an ear, because you are going to hear from us. Happy New Year!!!
Happy New Year, Robin!!
With the opening of records in Maine there will be some new discoveries, new family faces, and god forbid families reuniting after years of separation for what?
the separation because they had the unfortunate circumstance of being an adopted and along with that came the privacy and protections of those who adopt, the ones who felt we mother's would come and reclaim our babies, or interfer with the "new life" our babies (who were adopted to play) and their adopters were trying to create.
On the piece of paper I was allowed to have which I might add are not legal papers. The piece of paper did NOT state anywhere on it that I had confidentiality from anything or anyone. The legal papers that whisk my son from me soon after his birth site unseen, were maybe given to the adopter? Or were sealed themselves. But I never saw them, as far as I know there was no paperwork done? Making the adoption illegal.
An abuse in itself after all even criminals are allowed paperwork, and access to lawyers, legal research libraries, judges, etc.
The assurances that left me with nothing, but a piece of paper, a bleeding body, a broken heart, empty arms, swollen breasts full of milk, an ambiguous life that I would go on to live NEVER knowing if my son was cared for, alive, or needed me.
I know I needed him and from what I can see that happy adopted forever family is false, just like the birth certificate that stated another woman gave birth exactly at the same moment to the same child as I did, the lie that alters legal records for adopters benefits only.
Maine, is making history. Congratulations Maine for seeing the truth, and for all of those that fought the good fight to unseal the records.
Many states along with our legislators are trying to
drag their feet and wait the 99 years that was once proposed to keep records sealed insuring, that both mother and adoptee would be dead.
ps hope this comes out right as I have had little sleep like many others on this New Year Day!
A few things I wish for in the new year:
-Open birth certificates for adoptees AND mothers
-End the practice of amending birth certificates; this document should NEVER be changed, all that is necessary is the issuance of an adoption certificate
-Exposure of BSE crimes against mothers
-Exposure of current coercive practices in adoption
-An end to others speaking on behalf of mothers!
I love your wish list, maybe!
Reasonable people might ask why they just don't give it up and leave people alone. But then, the secret keepers aren't exactly reasonable.
What is more radical? Confiscating legal state documents, issuing falsified documents in their place, making families anonymous, and standing in the way of personal knowledge or just leaving people alone to make their own decisions about their own lives without a trashcan of lies? The longer I'm in this "business" the dumber the opposition looks.
I just linked this entry to my Bastardette piece.
Thanks for the link, Marley. I think it is a power trip for most of these key-keepers. Talk about a group of people I would like to see put out of work.....!
I think they the key keepers the legislators are adopters themselves.
They have those secrets that need to be kept secret.
Marley they maybe stupid but they have the whole of America thinking the secrets and lies are the right thing to do, oh, protecting WE mothers, right.
Maybe you have clear cut ideas that really are the right way to think about adoption. Seems mothers and adoptee's seem to think alike or at least some of us.
Thanks to Marley for bringing this to our attention via her excellent blog and thanks! to Robin for par excellence once again!
As a surrendering mother from 1964, I am sick to death of hearing this same bullshit story over and over again..about the privacy and confidentiality that was 'promised and/or guaranteed' to us natural mothers who lost our babies to adoption in the closed era. I now have a copy of my surrender doc and there is not a word within that speaks to privacy and/or confidentiality...not one single word.. The 'guarantee' came about by the maternity prison gatekeepers, agency workers, social workers, doctors, nurses, and/or adoption lawyers telling us over and over and over again...we must not ever speak of the 'unspeakable' again...no one must ever know, for surely it will be a fate worse than death!! This myth has been so over-used, so over-played in keeping records closed, I want to puke everytime I read these most assinine reasons/opinions to keep OBCs locked away from adoptees AND the natural mother's eyes. Jesus Christo! we are all adults now..and as adults we shouldn't need anyone's permission to see records that talk about us! When will these nay-sayers and pushers of bull-shit myths ever come to the realization they are no longer dealing with nor talking to and/or about 'babies and young unwed mothers'??? Most of the EMS/BSE babies have now entered their 'middle-age'years (if not beyond) and many of us former young unwed mothers are now into our Senior Citizen years! It is completely ridiculous to me to keep such archaic laws in place..for fully grown adults. The only people that need to 'grow-up' is the adoption industry and those legislators that act on it's behalf. That would also include any adoptive parent or any adult adoptee as well, that is against opening sealed records. Those people did not protect young unwed mothers years ago from abusive, discriminatory adoption practices, we sure as hell don't need your 'protection' today!! Nor did they really have 'the best interest of the child', in their heart of hearts either. It was a 'shell game', a social engineering project by those who had other agendas. And for those few 'birthmothers' who are still hiding with their 'secret' intact and against opening sealed records...All I can say is...Get a backbone!
Another article posted re: Maine open records. Please post your comments to counter the drive that has already been posted!
When Maine gives the mothers the records, then the records will truly be open and equal.
the new Maine law does give the adoptive parents the OBC.
So, the adopted people get our names, the adopters get our names.
what do we get?
We get a medical history form from the government.Mothers are asked to fill out several pages of private family medical information on all of their relatives and submit it to Big Brother. Their relatives won't even know they sent it in without their permission.
Sorry, I am not all that happy about this.
I think that mothers should also get the amended BC if adopters can get our child's OBC. Adopters have nothing to do with this. Why are they allowed something that we aren't? You make an excellent point, Kitta.
Love you blog, Robin .... God, how I loathe adopting and the lies. Yes, the mothers must tell the truth, they/you be heard!
Adopting is woman's inhumanity to woman ..
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