Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Dummyless, Dumbass Ventriloquists

The National Council For Adoption has published a mysteriously late reply to the E.B. Donaldson Insitute report published in 2007. The article from the NCFA, entitled "Mutual Consent; Balancing the (Natural/rw)Parent's Privacy With The Adopted Person's Right To Know," comes up with the same old stale arguments about something THEY say we mothers were "promised" and that we, presumably, desired.

The Natural Parents, whose so-called privacy this group is so eager to protect, are those of us from the secret, closed adoption era...the EMS/BSE. Once again, they are telling our adult children, "Don't blame US if you don't know. It's your (Natural)Mother's right to privacy that is the catch."

With absolutely no respect due, BULLSHIT. I am so sick of these spin doctors speaking for me and my sister mothers I could scream. I am not the Charlie McCarthy to either the NCFA's or the EBDI's Edgar Bergen. I am a mature woman of reasonable intelligence and I can speak for myself. To both these entities and to all the legislators (mostly attorneys elected to office with an interest in keeping adoption a going concern), agency owners and social workers across this great nation of ours, here is an open message. NEVER, IN THE PAST WHEN I GAVE BIRTH AND SURRENDERED DUE TO COERCION, NOR NOW, IN THE PRESENT, HAVE I EVER ASKED FOR OR BEEN PROMISED CONFIDENTIALITY WHERE MY OWN CHILDREN ARE CONCERNED. STOP TRYING TO SPEAK FOR ME!!!!! Honestly and frankly, any confidentiality rules were strictly for the benefit of those who adopted our children. They are the geese that layed the golden eggs for the facilitators and they are the ones who really received the privacy protection...not us.

I wish I had a lot of money. I would plaster this truth on huge billboards on every highway in America. Yes, there might be a few, timid women who drank the Kool Aid and still believe that their lives and families are forfeit if the truth came out about their unmarried motherhood. But these women can also speak for themselves. They can say, "No." It's that simple. Meanwhile, the majority, ie., the rest of us who have grown past the secrets and lies are speaking up and these self-appointed, clueless nimrods are not listening.

They also have not noticed the mothers who have braved the dire warnings we received when we were told to go and sin no more, and have searched for and found their adult children, themselves. That doesn't sound like a need for privacy to me. Of course, some of the closed records proponents consider this the action of an emotionally unsound woman. They tried to label us with that one when we became pregnant with our surrendered children. Recommended reading on this factoid, among many other insights into the era, is Rickie Solinger's "Wake Up Little Suzie."

When are these arrogant poseurs going to realize that they are no longer dealing with vulnerable, frightened teens and young women in a socially unbalanced era? We are women in our 50's and 60's and older. We have seen social changes and technological advances that would boggle the mind. We are stronger, wiser and able to handle our own affairs. We can decide and choose, for ourselves, those to whom we will and/or will not open our lives. WE will speak to our adult children. WE will decide how much of a relationship we want on our end. WE will decide what information is too private and what can be shared.

One of the awful side effects of this idea of Natural Parent privacy is the idea that, should records be open, we might be required, by law, to reveal our souls. Besides being unconstitutional, I don't think that such a law could override the HIPAA requirements. This idea is heinous in that it puts us back into the role of a criminal who has committed no real crime. No one, in this country, is required to share intimate information against their will.

Even the timid and reticent among us can spare an hour over a cup of coffee, to share the information that our adult children need. It's not rocket science. It should be clear and simple. In fact, it is the NCFA and the closed-records proponents that have muddied the waters. Our children have the right to know their heritage, to have answers to their questions and to have a relationship with their family of origin if such is their desire. We Natural Mothers have a right to know the fate and welfare of our children, the sacred responsibility to share our heritage and answer questions, and to have a relationship if we wish to have one. I would think that, say, a 63-year-old woman and her 46-year-old daughter could work out those details between them without any outside help.

Our children are no longer helpless infants. They are not possessions nor are they eternal children, never to be allowed adult autonomy. We Mothers are no longer unempowered, vulnerable young women. We can think for ourselves and we can express ourselves. We are adults seeking or being sought by other adults. What about this doesn't the NCFA understand?

For the 10,000th time, Stop Speaking For Us...We Mothers Can Speak For Ourselves!!!!!


Anonymous said...

Great blog Robin again so right on with the truth.

They are trying their best to keep the spin going of what we were promised. Hiding behind the mother's that were used, shamefully.

Trying their best to protect their asses and adopter's secrets and lies.

Same way we never we allowed any legal documents involving our babies, that were taken. Seems they were protecting their asests, while PROTECTING the ADOPTERS.

Guess they figured we wouldn't find our son's and daughter's. I not only found, my son, through, an adoptee's help, I have his original birth certificate that WE petitioned for through a judge.

So much for sealed records, the secrets and lies and the abuse they put us through taking our babies for infertile, strangers.

I speak for myself, too, NCAF, can speak the "truth", used to protect their profits.


Unknown said...

Excellent blog, Robin. Thanks for putting it into such strong words! Maybe these self-appointed guardians of the rights of all unmarried mothers who have no motive except our privacy in mind will finally get the message....LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I DON'T WANT YOUR 'HELP' EVER AGAIN.

legitimatebastard said...

Thanks for writing this, Robin, Very well said. Have you sent this directly to the NCFA? Please do! Thye need to hear directly from mothers of loss and adoptees.

Or, if you'd like, I could gather up blog posts (about this recent NCFA response) and send them all together. Let me know.

Joan Wheeler

Robin said...

I sent you a private email, Joan. Did you get it?

Being Me said...

Thanks for this excellent post!

legitimatebastard said...

Yes, Robin, I did get your email. Thanks for responding. I'm so glad there's going to be a unified effort. And yes, I'll post something on Sandy's blog about the poll showing this adoptee's support.
I am so very sorry for what all of you lived through. Hugs, Joan

Anne said...

Hi Robin,

Thanks for writing about this issue. The way I see this is that birthmothers are simply being "used" by the adoption community in order to keep adoptees records sealed. In reality, the adoption agencies and lawyers do not care about birthmothers and only want adult adoptee records to remain sealed in order to protect the adoptive parents. The birthmother and her needs are really not considered, never were. It is so unethical to use birthmothers in this way and they have nerve arguing that adult adoptees records should remain sealed because of the birthmothers privacy.
My own birth mother was not promised confidentiality when she surrendered me in 1966, it wasn't in writing or in words, but yet today I still can't access my own records in NJ even though I have found her.
It is really time for everyone to know the facts about what is going on with adoption then and now because today, the adoption practices are not much better and public opinion thinks all adoptions today are open. Nobody can believe it when I tell them that I still can't access my own records at age 42!!!

Anne Bauer

Robin said...

Yes, Anne. And 16 years after their reunion with me, their Natural Mother, my adult children still cannot access their OBC's. It's funny, too, that while we mothers were the legal parents at the time the OBC's were issued, we did not receive a copy of that document. Neither did most of us receive copies of the surrender document that we signed after being shamed and coerced into doing so.

Not only should adopted people have access to their records...so should we mothers have access to the amended birth certificate. Quid Pro Quo. Handing access to our private records to adopters as part of an open-records initiative is unacceptable.