Sunday, March 07, 2010

An Uncommon Sadness

There was a time when I thought there was no greater pain than having my two oldest children taken from me. I have worked through my grief and accepted what I could not change and started trying to discover what I could change.

My quest has led me to learn of things that have added a new layer of sadness to the greatest tragedy of my life. As disenfranchised girls with the naivete of the times, we were deprived of the most basic of human rights. Now, when we are older and wiser, our efforts are being sabotaged by our own sister mothers.

Some still carry a burden of unearned guilt which they seem unable to overcome. These are the ones who make themselves body slaves to the issues of the adopted adult. They are content to sacrifice themselves and, unfortunately, the rest of us, via poorly-conceived, proposed legislations in order to expiate their insecurities.

I call these mothers "the Ladybirds." They flitter around trying to sow wildflower seeds in a sewer figuring that it will mask the stench. They decry what they perceive as our anger and bitterness and even go so far as to accuse us of staying in our "victimhood." What they don't realize is that they are victims of their own lack of self-respect and are trying to pull us into the same dark hole with them. My personal belief is that many of these Ladybirds need to grow a set.

Then there are the adoption Divas. These are the mothers who want to be the experts, the go-to persons for anything and everything associated with adoption. They leave the conditions of surrender behind and concentrate on the end results. They bully, wrangle and endlessly dispense what they think is wisdom from their busy keyboards. When questioned or crossed, they get really nasty, pick up their toys, and move to the next group to recruit disciples. The Diva may actually have a lot of savvy and worthwhile things to offer, but these are lost in the maze of her self-promotion. I learned, to my sorrow, that there are more than one of the Diva-types out there.

So we, who want to see justice and equality for the mothers of the EMS are having stumbling blocks placed at every pathway by our own sisters. These women cannot lend support to anything that will either truly alleviate their guilt or take away any portion of the spotlight they wish to be focused only on them. It is disheartening and frustrating to want something positive for all of us only to have our own sister mothers wishing us ill.

I am better at following than at emotional issues rather than data and numbers. I am independent in my I do NOT walk in lock-step with anyone but myself. But that and $5 will get me a mocha latte grande. It seems there are no compromises left.

At 64, I realize that my  time is limited. While I may live to be 100 (or not), it is a fact that more than half my life is over and each day, month and year from here on out is a gift. Our quest for justice has an expiration date. Time is our antagonist along with the industry, unknowingly aided by the Ladybirds and the Divas. I was looking forward to a retirement full of peace with no regrets. But, if there is no justice for the mothers of the EMS, then that regret will go to the grave with me.

And, for that, I feel an uncommon saddness.


Mandy Lifeboats said...

Very good blog Robin...thank you.

I am sorry for the sadness you feel. Like my one son told me in Dec. of 1989.."Don't be sad Mom, get mad"! And that was about current events in my life at that time, that had nothing to do with adoption. I took my then 19 yr old son's advice..I dropped the 'sad' and I got 'mad' and helped myself..right down to a federal office. That 50ish old white man, actually laughed in my face, when I told him of my complaint and what I wanted to do. He gave me every negative point why I SHOULDN'T pursue this..and I did not listen to him. Under federal law, he had to listen to me and take my complaint. That complaint was acted upon and I won. I made some enemies along the who were also close friends outside of the job..they stopped speaking to me. Former manager and supervisors who once lauded and praised my work..kept me at a distance like I was the Black Plague. Well that's the Price of may have some losses, but it is the end result that one is seeking. In the end I won what was most important to me..vindication, someone else actually listened to me and took me seriously, I won the case and above all else I no longer felt like a failure...and my self-respect was intact once again.
The most important lesson I learned from that...To Thine Own Self Always Be True!

Robin said...

Thanks, Mandy. I will live and I am, indeed, mad. I have found that sadness, once expressed, finds solace. I am so glad to have friends that like me as I am. Us unrepentant sluts have to stick together. You give me courage, friend.

Lori said...

Robin, I hope I am not one of those "divas", since I am fairly sure that I don't know jack about a lot of things.

Sometimes, when I think about it, I realize that I would never have gotten through the first few years of reunion if it was not for the Sr. Moms. Almost all have been kind and helpful and most of all with more wisdom than I possess.

And, as a seriously unrepentant slut - LOL! - I find that women need to stick together no matter what.

Robin said...

No, Lori. You are not a Diva. They KNOW who they are. They don't have to wonder. LOL

Unknown said...

I will check my Divaness when I come here, Robin, I promise...LOL

I have often found that when things look bleak, then I laugh, and thankfully, I have wonderful friends who will laugh with me at the insanity that surrounds adoption and our experience. I really believe that, as Mandy said, first we are sad, then we get mad...but I will go one further...then we learn to laugh at the nonsense! Are we there yet? I think so...

mom lost said...

robin I love ever word you wrote
and find it all so true you are a very wise woman as are all of the ladies I call my friends I to will go on and keep fighting for what I believe to be our right for as long as god allows me to