The Angry Mother Of Loss

It is hard for some women, since women on the whole are raised to be so "nice" to all, to be able to feel their own anger or even accept the anger of others. I was confronted by that fact again, today. We have those among us in the community of mothers of loss that are really taken aback by the passion of the fury in some of us. I have a good friend who used to call us "BOB's," for "bitter old beemoms," before she felt the anger stirring inside her. This society connects anger with violent actions, it seems, and is unable to see it as the simple emotion it is and one that can be constructively directed. A lot of people are just afraid of anger, theirs or anyone else's.

Maybe, those who are uncomfortable with or uncomprehending of the anger of the activist mom need to understand where our anger comes from and how it is being directed in a positive way. The way I see it, an injustice was done and is still being done. That unnecessary and cruel injustice has altered lives, bequeathed a legacy of life-long grief and confusion and even killed some people. I get angry, not because it happened and still happens, but because people are so blind to the fact of the injustice that even some of our own sisters can't see the dangers of the continuation of this horrendous social experiment gone bad called adoption. It makes me furious when, even after being confronted with the body-count, the true evidence of the mayhem adoption separation causes, they still find some specious reason to say that adoption is a "good thing (not)."

Sisters and adopted people, we got screwed! It didn't have to happen and it still doesn't have to happen. I get angry when I read about the resources that not only are available today, but were available back then in my day but deliberately kept from us. I get angry that women were and are told that they are of no worth as mothers if they are young, poor and unmarried while some rich, narcissistic, self-indulgent SINGLE celebrity buys babies like fashion accessories or, as in the case of "non-tummy-not-mummy-either," Rosie O, to make some kind of social statement about a situation that needs positive attention but that has nothing to do with adoption. The lifestyles and attitudes of some others of these celebrity adopters (Sharon Stone springs to mind) are such that I wouldn't hire them to baby-sit my great-grandchildren, much less entrust the entire growth and nurture of a child to them.

I get angry when we try to point out this injustice and someone comes charging in, all self-righteous, with the dire tales of the crackwhore, slut, abuser mom and doesn't stop to think that, not only are these women the miniscule minority among mothers of loss, but that you can find just as many like this among those who adopt, especially abusers. I get angry at the super-entitled wannabes who troll for babies everywhere they can and viciously, verbally attack the young mom who decides to keep the baby SHE gestated and bore.

I get angry when I see our adult children torn between the people who raised them and the people who lost them. I get angry when I see their pain and confusion and all the awkwardness in trying to re-connect with what they never consciously knew. I get angry when I see a mother of loss so disabled by shame and fear that she can't face her past enough to connect with her adult child. I get angry when I see an adopted adult search for and find their mother only to back away because of the fear and confusion and adopter insecurity that winds up causing both of them misery.

I get angry at all of that because all of it is unjust, unnecessary.......just simply dead WRONG. I get angry when some people, who want us to believe that all adoption needs is someone to slap a band-aid over it and it will be OK, start deriding and chiding anyone who dares to suggest a deeper and stronger change in order to make things better. Then we get labeled "Extremists" and given the old spin-job by the toadies of the industry.

Do I sit in my anger 24/7?...Hell no...I do have a life, a good one, and I have all the usual moments of happiness and even joy that everyone else has. But, because of that part of my life that has anger, I also have conviction, passion, direction and a good reason to keep on keeping on. I write, I participate and I have made a small difference here and there because of the way I learned to use my anger rather than letting it use me (which isn't easy but it's worth the work). Not a bad deal, all in all.