It seems that the proponents of the "bee" word just can't let it rest. I learned about the good birfmudders and the cubbies showing up and trying to slap our widdle hands or disrupt the conference and I guess they just missed the effing point! Someone else tried to bring the debate back to Joe Soll's group. Why is it that this is doubly hurtful and insulting when it comes from one of our own? In any event, this was my response to this Mother of Adoption Loss at Adoptese. The premise was by another poster who said that we should not be indentified by a biological process. I agreed and ran with the thought....
I see what you are saying:
Were I to identify myself, for instance, by the 'process' that produced my son, a date-rape, I would be a "usedvaginawoman/birthmother" to him. That completely negates the magic of his first little flutters of movement under my heart, the unforeseen joy I felt when the doctor let me listen to his heartbeat and the love that flooded me when I held him in my arms for the first time. It certainly wouldn't negate all the worry and wondering and caring for all of the years that I was separated from both my oldest children. (Hmmm. that would also make me my daughter's "CooperativelyRupturedHymengirl/birthmother" wouldn't it?)
As far as I am concerned, I have met the criteria for motherhood and am nothing less to ALL of my children. I will not allow a qualifying term prefixed to my title to soothe the insecurities of any person who adopts, any good "birfmudder" still living in denial of her victimization and importance or any angry adopted person. I wasn't put on this earth to be a brood mare for the four people of dubious parental worth that wound up being the recipients of the crime against me and mine and I won't be defined in that manner, period, by anyone.
So, You can call yourself a beemommie if it blows your skirt up, but don't call ME that, don't presume to identify an entire section of this nation's population by that name because we didn't choose that for ourselves....someone else chose "BM" (another one of those nice bodily functions)....and have the good grace and manners, when on a site or at a conference where the "B" word is not welcome, to refrain from using it. No one asked anyone to think any differently....just to temper messages with sensivity and common courtesy to the hosts and organizers and the bulk of the participants. Looks like, for a few big egos and self-ordained hand-slappers, good manners were suspended for them to make their specious point.
Personally, I don't want to roll over and get my tummy rubbed by the ones who appreciate the "good beemommies" among us. I'm a TRUE MOTHER and all the raging and gnashing of the verbal teeth of the nay-sayers will not make that go away.
So, that was my point and it still is. It wasn't a matter of censorship or a matter of denying others the right to call themselves what they will....it was a simple request to others to please do what they should have been taught to do as children...to just be POLITE!
And I would also love to hear anyone answer this question. WHY is it so threatening to some that there are those of us who deny this term in relation to our role as mothers? Why does not using the term cause you to act like someone licked all the red off of YOUR candy? Inquiring Mother of Adoption Loss wants to know.