DH has promised me that this is the last summer I will have to spend in Florida. I am holding him to this promise. With his mother becoming more and more frail, at age 93, and the area in which we live becoming more crowded, ruder, more crime-ridden and over-developed, it is time for us to move on. Add in the fact that Florida is one of the WORST states for natural moms and an "adoption Heaven" for adopters and facilitators and you can see why I want to head for the hills.
Retirement, to me, may well include my retirement from the arena of natural family preservation. Oh, I will always be anti-adoption, but getting out here, stating my feelings and the facts as they present themselves might go by the wayside. The anger and seething venom that is thrown at the natural mother, even by our children and sister "good beemommies," is becoming a boring nuisance. Since I have reached a good relationship with my own reunited children, I am content to let the rest think of me as they will and hit the "reject" button when I don't want to fool with the foolish.
Right now, I feel like that line from the song, "Stuck In The Middle." "Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you." Being disparaged, constantly challenged by those who are ignorant of the true experience of the natural mother and watching the heads around me grow grayer every day with not a lot of progress made towards getting understanding from the general public is becoming tiresome. It makes me feel like the vulnerable young girl who was forced to deny her own motherly instincts and surrender her children, again. At least, now, years later, most of us are learning to understand what actually happened to us. That, in and of itself, is some kind of progress.
I have reached an age where what others think of me isn't that important anymore. I have the love and respect of my husband, children, family and close friends and that is enough for me. If I say something on this blog that frosts somebody's Fritos, then too bad, so sad. I call it like I see it. I have also reached the age when I want to enjoy the last part of my life. I want to spend time with my husband, doing the things we enjoy. I want to be free to visit my children, read my books, paint my pictures, travel and not worry about the rest of the nasty world of adoption. I want to go north, to a place where the developers have yet to ruin the landscape and chase off the wildlife...where there are four real seasons (for now, anyway) and where there is elbow room between me and my neighbors.
I don't want to deal with vindictive adopters and loyal, grateful, controlling adoptees. I don't want to dance around all the different factions in the natural family preservation movement, doing my damndest not to offend (well, there are a couple I don't mind offending, truth be told) and I don't want to constantly have to explain myself to the world of these nasties. It is a very sad world when people cannot understand the idea of the BSE and the grief that we moms carry with us for life.
I see society heading down a dark and dismal road, where the natural family, blood-connected, is disregarded and social engineering is all the rage. I see the picture of eugenics as portrayed in the novel, "The Handmaid's Tale" coming true because we, as a nation, are allowing it. Adopters and adoptees are all around me and they seem to be dividing and multiplying like amoebas. The day when a child, deserted by or having lost their parents, is taken in by extended family with love and without rancor seems to be receding into the past. Self-proclaimed "experts" are telling us that heritage and genetics don't matter, that anyone can be a parent and that giving birth is no biggie. WRONG!
And, every time we empowered moms post to a blog or an open forum, we are attacked and denigrated and every word we say is denied by those who desperately want to keep the mythology alive. It has become a very, very sad world, indeed.