Saturday, April 03, 2010

In Search Of The Rare, Wild Consensus

Shhhhhhh! Be vewy, vewy quiet. I am tracking the ewusive, ware, wild consensus. I know it's awound here and I'm going to find it. hehehehehe

Of course, Elmer is only interested in finding Bugs or Daffy. I'm the one on the prowl for one solid, common meeting ground. Surely, among all the mothers and adopted people who are making all these noises, there is some binding thread that could make us see past our disagreements in style and substance and allow us to present a solid front to the industry and address the injustices we have suffered and are suffering.

My first look at the community of mothers of adoption loss, online, was like seeing a grand chandelier, light bursting through every individual crystal. Too soon, I saw that chandelier fall and, each time an attempt is made to put it back together and hang it back up, some of the crystals are missing and the light is dimmed. It has come crashing down around my head too many times to count.

It is sad to say that maybe Ayn Rand was right. Women cannot work together well. There is even a whole new lexicon of insulting jargon to throw around and keep the mothers groups structure wobbly and ready to fall. For instance, if two of us happen to agree on most things, then we are not having a meeting of the minds. No, we are "walking in lock step" and ready to jump on anyone who disagrees. Of course, I have yet to find too many that can disagree agreeably. Anyway, my arthritis is too bad to accomplish a goose-step.

Then there is the one about the mothers, passionate about finding justice who are not warriors in a worthy
cause. Uh-uh. These women (I'm one of them, I guess) are "bitter, angry, negative and living in the past."  Furthermore, there are different kinds of activists...those that might frighten newly reunited moms with a startling dose of the truth and those who are apple-cheeked, smiling and concentrate only on the positive. Even though the second example is as much into activism as the first, theirs must obviously be, what. nicer? What, in the name of heaven, is NICE about what was done to us and our children?

I am ending this week better than I was last week although this surgery still takes some time to heal. I was really very sad a couple of days I am sad, mad and a little bit glad. (What was it that Cher used to sing? She was a scamp, vamp and a bit of a tramp?) I've done conventions and meetings and organizational think-tank sessions and I am through with those. I am now pretty sure I won't be having to endure those things anymore and gritting my teeth while trying to be polite to adopters and social workers because I won't be invited. I have held true to my beliefs, though, and that is the glad part.

The sad part is that there are more crystals missing from the chandelier and more possibilities floundering in the dust of the dreadful, online cat-fight. The mad part is that...well....I hate to say it, but I don't like being ashamed of my sisters. I've never like watching the kids in one bunch talking behind the backs of the  group over in the corner, then jumping them when they leave the schoolyard. Now that kind of bullying, only all grown up, is happening everywhere you look. Girls, girls!! Can we please take a refresher course in adulthood 101?

Now, I don't give a rat's arse who this offends. It can be applied to so many different groups, including ones in which I have participated, that if you recognize yourself,  welcome to the freaking club. Lord knows I have shown my butt on more than one occasion. But I've learned that it can't hurt to disagree as long as you can be kind and civil. My days of the flame and blame are over. I am too old and too tired to keep debating. I just say what I know and you say what you know and then we both know, don't we? I'm just going to delete, block and keep on keeping on.

The more fractured and factious we become, the less effective we are when it comes to real reform, justice or support. The ones, like me, who are fool enough to say what we mean and mean what we say had better get over the idea that people are going to take us at face value or appreciate the fact that we don't step lightly. The more you show the ugly, the more they don't want to see.

Someone told me, this past week, that I had a good heart. Well, I also have a good mind, a righteous cause and I make my husband, family and friends laugh. So don't patronize me with faint praise (and it's my metaphor and I'll mix it if I want to) while penalizing me for being who and what I am.

I respect courage and honesty. And there is precious little of that, these days.


Anonymous said...

Hey Robin,
Good hunting to you! What a concept! I know I can disagree with almost anyone and finding common ground is the way to get something done.

Lori said...

Robin, I have only one word - Good. Now, can we agree that it is time to fix something we can't change for ourselves, but might spare another from?

I am about you?

Robin said...

Lori, I agree that we can't change the past, but we can't just let it go, either. There is a lesson to be learned that can help us change the future. Others who have suffered injustice have had that injustice recognized and addressed and it has changed how things were done. Why not us, too? The two goals are not mutually exclusive.

Lori said...

No goal in which a major change is needed within a society can ignore or not address the injustices that were already done. I believe it would take all the mothers and children, or at least a majority, to speak with one voice to be heard. I believe it would take for the evils of the past to be acknowledged and I believe that it would take a societal undertanding of the truths behind adoption.

So, we must not exclude anyone - it would fail as surely as any other movement that was motivated almost entirely by women and for women and children would fail if we do not stand together.

I feel for the mothers of the BSE - I don't know their personal pain. I can't. What I can do is speak up for them as well as the women of my generation - the forgotten ones. Neither BSE nor open adoption era. Just as others I know now should be there to speak for the OAE.

We are one. We are the genesis of life stolen.

Now we have to accept our own differences and move as one.

Just my thoughts.

Kelsey Stewart, Author said...

Eloquently put Robin. I agree that so much more can be accomplished when you approach it with a level head AND a pleasant tone. Like you, I see far too many who like to make assumptions about people based on a few sentences that they write. My mother told me many times...Kill them with kindness. I can do that, and I prefer to do it that way. I find that most of the time, women just want to be heard and I am more than willing to listen and learn from them, as long as it is done respectfully. I am not saying that I understand everything that is asked or presented to me, but I sure as heck take it to heart and try to see their point of view.

I really, really enjoy your writing. You have a wonderful way of just getting to the point, and driving that point 380 yards! Thanks for the great read!

kittz said...

kitta here:

"Like you, I see far too many who like to make assumptions about people based on a few sentences that they write"

yes, I agree..and people should read more carefully... Then give themselves some time to ponder and see if the writer really meant what the reader thinks.

That is the problem with the interent forums..too easy to misinterpret statements, and some even do it on purpose I would guess.

Then there is the very real problem of "common goals." We really may have very different goals.

When one group or another states their goals, they are apt to be attacked. But, it should be understood that any group can establish itself and work for its own goals.

What is sad is when groups really do have the same or similar goals but don't realize it.