Thursday, September 23, 2010

Arrogant Assumptions and Oxymorons

Adopto-Land is full of them. The way the courts and certain churches treat adoption, is beyond arrogant. It seems that they believe they are as powerful as God/Nature. Even though the blank-slate/tabula rasa theory concerning the human infant has been scientifically disproven, they still sell that "as if born to" idea to the masses. It's even in the adoption decree. Boy, aren't we powerful, though?

The picture to the left is very sweet. But anyone with eyes in their head and a rudimentary grasp of zoology can tell that these two are entirely different species. When that little feline grows up, it is not going to swing from tree branches, have thumbs or be mostly vegetarian. A predator is a predator is a predator. What is the chimp going to say when she reveals her true nature? "We gave her all the love we had to give. Why is she LIKE this??"

Any adopter that raises the child born to another woman, thinking that said child will become like the adoptive family is seriously deluded. That adopter is also doing that child a heinous disservice. Supporting the adopted child as they are, and as they become, is the loving thing to do. My heart aches every time I hear another adoptee say, "I never felt like I fit in." Of course, it is my opinion that, barring the very worst of circumstances, a child belongs with his/her mother or family of origin. Trying to fulfill the needs of adults by supporting a legal fantasy is damaging to any child.

That leads me to my first oxymoron; "ethical adoption." How can adoption be ethical when it promotes lies, changes names, switches heritages and is based on, not the need of a child for a home, but the needs of adults for a child? Like it or not, there is a money-making Industry behind this and that makes it a flesh trade. The legal restrictions and requirements of that adoption document makes a life-long possession out of an infant. AND these "possessions" are supposed to be, and often are, grateful for their status as humans owned by other humans (See "Stockholm Adoptees" post).

How can it be ethical when it is bartering a baby for the purpose of supporting the emotional welfare of a childless couple? That is a hell of a load to place on a baby. How can an Industry or practice be ethical when it still uses new and improved methods of social brainwashing and coercion to achieve the goal of separation of mother and newborn? How can it be ethical when it is used to further the agendas of religious groups? How can it be ethical when it is supported by legislators whose palms are greased by the Industry lobbyists? That support has resulted in legislation that strips many mothers and their babies of their civil and human rights. Is that the American Way?

The next oxymoron is so self contradictory it is appalling; "Your mother loved you so much she gave you up." Like that is going to make any sense to a child? Listen up, Kiddo. Your mother probably surrendered you because her back was against the wall, she was brainwashed by adoption propaganda and your grandparents wanted a born-again virgin. Her love for you made her want to keep you. This society is steeped in adoption mythology and she either fell for the line or was forced over it.

This one is for all the good beemommies, still wallking around with that pink cloud engulfing what brain cells you have left.; "Surrendering Mother=Heroine". You know, when you read stories about heroics, a lot of those heroes die. William Wallace shouted "Freedom!" as he was being gutted, drawn and quartered. He still died. When we mothers of my experience were backed against the wall and forced to wave that white flag of surrender, we felt nothing like Xena, The Warrior Princess, "Forged in the heat of battle." I felt like the losing boxer in the match, being carried out, bloody and bruised, on a stretcher.

I wonder what it is going to take to show the general public, who, by and large, support adoption, that said Adoption, American Style, is a heartless and cruel business? When are we, as a nation, going to overcome the ridiculous ideas of our early, Puritan colonists and grow up enough to honor the bond of mother and child? When are we going to, as a nation, mature past the "I'm gonna get mine" self-entitlement that allows people to think they have a right to the children of others? This is what we have become, people. We are a country that barters babies and even raids other nations for newborns. As a society, we are as dysfunctional as they come and we bear the wounds of that dysfunction.

And the band aids we use to cover the wounds are assumptions, arrogance and oxymorons. That's like treating cancer with a placebo.


Karen Belanger said...

EXCELLENT Robin. I was one of those adoptees who was supposed to be a blank slate to be written up for an infertile couple. My adoptive parents are quiet, introverted, conservative, and unemotional. I am....well...the exact opposite. Enter a biological child into the scenario years later, as happens to many parents who think they can not have their own children, and go figure she is just like them. My adoptive parents even retired to the town she lives in to help raise their "real" grandchildren. My children, they can't even remember their names.

I recall quite well the frustration of my adoptive parents with me even down to a comment my adoptive mother threw at me "No wonder your mother gave you away". I was expected to be a good little adoptee and conform to their expectations of who I should be. After growing up believing everything about myself was wrong I had communication with my first mother and realized where I got my outgoing, social, active, and demonstrative nature.

But, society doesn't care and they don't want to hear it or have their adoption bubble burst. Adoption agencies and Institutions want to continue to profit off of our pain and shove us under the bus with labels and statements such as "ungrateful" and "be glad you weren't aborted". First mothers are glamorized as martrys and then sacrified to the adoption machine one the relinquishment papers are signed. It needs to stop, no it HAS to stop. And I will continue to shout my loud genetically inclined voice against closed records adoptions and their "ethical" practices until it does.

Sandy Young said...

There are so many big words surrounding adoption..,arrogant, assumptions, oxymorons, entitlement, literpsynchronicity and others, all apply. Great post, Friend. Love this!

Anonymous said...

Okay, I need to understand something. It's obvious to me that the adoption industry is finacially movtivated but I'm confused about how they are considered "nonprofit" I know there's tax incentive there but who's getting the money. Do they just inflated salaries or reinvest in baby stealing for politial gain?

Anonymous said...

@ anon

A non-profit really just means qualifying for tax-exempt status. They must have a mission, they must have a board of directors. Other than that they are really indistinguishable from any other privately owned business.

Non-profit is a bit of a misnomer.


Robin said...

Thanks, Joy. I was trying to figure out how to explain it and you did it simply and efficiently. I feel like saying "DUH." =oP