Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Heeeere We Go Again

Just let any of us senior, anti-adoption Mothers post a word about adopters being part of the problem and the Stepford Adoptees come pouring out of the barracks, ready to do battle. Even though we do not disparage all who adopt and say that there are many kind, loving adopters, they still take issue with what we didn't say. Even if we did not mention their particular adopters, they take what we say personally and war is declared.

First, let me say that not all adopted people are Stepford Adoptees. There are many who know and accept the simple truth of what adoption is and does. The ones I am speaking of I call  Stepford Adoptees because they have been conditioned by their very situation, an unnatural one, to be the caretakers of their adopters' emotional welfare and defender of their actions. They all speak the same words, invariably praising the love they received and how grateful they are (1) to have been "chosen"/adopted (2) not to have been aborted (3) to have been loved so much by their nmom that said moms surrendered them for a "better" life (4) how thankful the adopters are for the "gift" the nmom gave them.

I have a daring concept to present to these Defenders of The Church Of The Adopters. It's called logical, independent thought. Let me say, again, that I am sure there are many, many loving, decent, humane adopters. That doesn't keep them from being part of the problem. As long as there are those who must have a child, regardless, there will be adoption, coercion, Third World theft of infants and toddlers and agency womb raiders. If these people accepted their lot in life and went on to spread the love around rather than looking for an adopted baby to cure their ills, there would be no Industry. Simple business truth. No demand=no supply=no Industry. That is NOT an insult....just a fact.

It's interesting that I receive these protests from the female adoptees. I can't remember the guys ever chiming in. I think that is because the gals are more prone to care-taking. I have to tell these ladies that I have gone head-to-head with a number of adopters and they can pretty much hold their own.

So here are my answers to the above listed responses. (1) You were not "chosen." There is not a baby mart with cribs up and down the aisles. There are agencies and social workers and, from our era, THEY are the ones who decided what couple would get what baby. If you are from the open adoption era, then, your adopters were chosen (with a bit of urging by her "case worker") by your nmom. (2) If you are an EMS/BSE-era adoptee, there was no legal, safe, medical abortion available for your mothers unless their parents were rich enough to induce a doctor to put his license on the line for them. If you are from the post Roe v Wade years, then, had a young women chosen termination, it would all be a moot point. Any one who goes that route is not really cognizant of a "specific who" when terminating. (3)Bullshit!Your nmom surrendered because she had her back to the wall, no choice, no recourse, NADA. If you are a more recent adoptee, your nmom was brainwashed along with the rest of society. (4) No nmom was put on this earth to produce children for another woman. You were not a "gift." You are not a set of coffee mugs or a picture frame wrapped up in pretty paper. You are a human being and the "gift" is to YOU, not your adopters.

I wish I could say that I am among the nmoms who were relieved to find that their appropriated children were raised by the finest possible adopters. What most of us find are that the ones who adopted our children were no better than we were at child rearing and some, not as good. Most of us can say that their children did not have a "better" life without us. It was different, but not better. Your adopters are not saints or paragons. They are normal human beings with flaws...some better, some worse, but all simply human.

So are we, and we love our children, most of us, unconditionally. But we are not objects, breeding stock, harlots or abandoners. We did the only thing we could do under horrendous circumstances. We were promised the impossible and many of us found damaged adults when we reunited. "Perfect" parents wouldn't allow their children to have emotional problems, now, would they?

Adopters assume their halos. We earned ours.

(Oh, and to my many adopted friends, I didn't mean YOU. 'kay?)


BD said...

Adopted people share the "keeper of the secret" role in families much like those who are the children (adult or otherwise) of alcoholics, gamblers, drug users. They are expected to keep their mouths shut and make everything right. Obviously not all adopted people fall into those categories nor do their families, but it's a shared family pathology They are the "peace keepers" more or less. And in the case of adoptees, they are the subject of the secret, which makes it worse.

I will always maintain that the family is the root of all abuse and oppression. At the end of the family are crony capitalism, war, racism, etc.I don't know how to beat this, since it's been that way for thousands of years.

Robin said...

It makes one wonder, doesn't it, BD, why these folks are so eager to "create" a family? While I am not sure I agree with you 100%, I do believe that there is no such thing as a non-dysfunctional family. People are human and with humanity comes dysfunction of some sort or the other.

Linda said...

"they are the subject of the secret, which makes it worse."


Lori said...

@Robin, when I was training to be a confidential intermediary, we had a judge, family court, come in to give us a "talk" - the most profound thing he ever said was this: "Family, by definition, is dysfunctional." I have had to remember that over and over since my reunion, now defunct. Because the facts are what they are.

Chris said...

I agree *almost* wholly with BD. In my almost 64 yrs on this earth...I have yet to learn of a truly *Functional* family. Familial dysfunction is passed down from generation to generation, is cylical. That's not to demonize families...but the truth is the truth. So many families can *appear* as if functional, until you get behind the closed door with some of them..then all becomes quite clear and why the huge *elephant* in the living room can and many times will be ignored. Generation upon generation..sad, but true..has been my experience of observing many families...including my own.

Great blog once again...Thanks Robin!

Stephanie said...

"I have a daring concept to present to these Defenders of The Church Of The Adopters. It's called logical, independent thought..."


My son is so brainwashed by his adopters, he gave me the "this life chose me and I have accepted that", "I DO believe I was chosen", "god put me where I was supposed to be" lines of kool-aid laced adoption propoganda that I had to retreat, in horror and disbelief. Do I blame him? Absolutely not. I blame them (and myself of course, for trusting these people with my child).

I blame them for feeding him this line of utter and complete B.S., all while they kicked me to the curb, left me in the dust and wished me dead after they closed our supposed open adoption, for NO reason.

Lastly, MY child was no "gift" to anyone, especially people who showed their appreciation for their "gift" by taking someone else's child, up and moving and leaving no forwarding contact information for anyone to get in touch with them when, they decided they no longer wanted an "openess".

Gee, how convenient...

Sandy Young said...

Excellent, well-stated as ever,

While I agree with BD that the family is the root of all abuse and oppression and the base of dysfunction, I will maintain that it is also the base of all that is good and beautiful. It is where we learn love, acceptance, critical thinking and independence, too. So, it is the place from where all healinhg flows, as well as dysfuntional behavior.

joy said...

I don't know what is so great about being functional anyway. Most of the time is depressingly boring.

It is funny, I would consider myself fairly in touch with my feelings and adoption issues, but still feel the mantle of emotional care-taking for my adoptive parents keenly.

I think they would even be offended if they knew how much it weighs on me, and still, there it is.

Robin said...

Dear Anon..."All Adopters," even those who are seemingly unaware of their role in the tragdies of mothers and infants, are responsible for keeping the industry going. No adopters would mean no adoption whereas adopters in the market for infants and toddlers or sainthood create the demand which the industry supplies. I stand by tha because it is simple logic.

jenny81271 said...

Robin, I wholeheartedly, with all the heart and soul I can muster, do solemnly AGREE...NO ADOPTERS, NO ADOPTION. Always, Jenny