Another Season Of Life

I think I am still on a bit of a tear about being judged, along with my sister mothers, of having had inadequate "healing." I assume that the person who made this judgment thinks that we would not be seeking justice and redress if we were "properly healed." As a friend of mine from the UK would say, "Bollocks!"

Rather than looking at the one dimension of the Internet exchanges, perhaps that person who would underestimate our emotional health and mental acuity should see us as we are in every way. We are in the Autumn of our lives, for the most part. The leaves still cling to the branches and are afire with color. We are strong, fearless and finally able to say and do what we feel is right rather than worrying about what others might think. It's a good time to be alive.

If anything, our shared experience of shame, blame, isolation and grief should have imparted a special measure of wisdom to each of us. For many of us, we have learned the value of being humble enough to realize that, even after all we have experienced, we still don't know everything. There is wisdom just in that realization. We are learning more, every day that passes. Perhaps the lesson of humility is wasted on any self-proclaimed and self-promoting "expert." Being able to apologize or admit to a wrong is mature and wise and the right kind of "humble."

SMAAC is entering the fray with all the fire of maple leaves in October. We might not have framed certificates on all our walls or letters after all our names, but we have the accumulated wisdom of many women and the gathered passion of our cause and determination. It would be a grave error to count us as ineffective or "less healed than thou."

I come from the early years of the EMS and I have shared the past week with someone who comes from the end of that era. We are 15 years apart in age but very close in our personae. Coming from different cultures, we have shared much of what makes up our everyday lives. We have laughed at our similarities and our differences. But we have one thing in common and that is the desire to be heard and to be acknowledged. There is also the desire to hear the words, "We are sorry for what we did to you," said out loud and in public. I see nothing inherently, emotionally unhealthy in any of that. Someone needs to take a "time out" and reconsider their attitude.

We'd hate to do battle with former allies, but we will and will not hesitate for an instant. Got that?

Healing Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

It annoys me when someone assumes that all we are about is what is read on message boards and blogs, even this one. It annoys me even more, when someone assumes that we are bitter, angry, dangerous to other mothers and in need of "healing work." That is an arrogant and insulting accusation. And to deny a mother the company of other mothers who can give her support on her healing journey just because that support group has found their healing in other ways but the way of the denier is somewhat egocentric and a bit off-kilter, emotionally.

There are numerous experts in every aspect of life, it seems. There is always someone who knows exactly what YOU need to heal. As a mother of adoption loss, I have used IN PERSON counseling, the 12-step program and, most of all, the support provided by groups for mothers like me. We mirror each other in these groups and are honest with each other. You'd be surprised how many of us have attained a healthy, balanced life without any help from the "experts" who proclaim that it must be done their way or no way. I follow the 12-step premise when reading any books or hearing any advice to "take what I need and leave the rest."

The Internet is, at best, a tenuous arena for real psychological counseling. I'll get my support and information on line, but I will have any intense counseling in person, thank you. But it is a great place for the coming together of people with shared experiences. Let me tell you that among "those women who haven't done their healing work," a mother of adoption loss can find a lot of understanding. We all share what has worked for us to keep our lives in balance and many, many women have been helped by these groups and the one I belong to, in particular. First Mothers Connect which is for mothers who lost to adoption during the EMS/BSE is a gold mine of friendship and support.

There are factions and friction among many who are involved in the battleground that is adoption loss. People are individuals so that may be the way it is for a long time. But to summarily dismiss groups such as FMC as having no value because they have not walked in the path of the "expert," is something that calls for an apology. We all have our "off days," so I am hoping this was one of those days for the person who maligned us and our group.

I am ever so proud to be one of "those women." We rock!

Hands Across The Ocean

I have a guest this week. She arrived on Thursday evening and was everything I thought she might be from the emails and IM's we have exchanged over the years. There was this tall, red-haired, green-eyed tornado with a mist in her eyes and her arms opened for a hug. It was magical but then, I think that the Irish are touched with the mystic.

She has a deep, contagious belly-laugh and is full of a love of adventure and socializing. She lost her only daughter, her only child, to adoption in the same way we lost our children here in the US...through being broken down, coerced and made to feel unfit. She confided in me that, though her mother never came around, her father did apologize for his part in her loss. They are both deceased.

We shopped the local mall, yesterday and, still suffering from jet-lag, she ate supper with us, then went to her motel for more sleep. We have plans to see Sea World, NASA and more shopping. She will be leaving this coming Thursday, noon. I will miss having her around.

There is such a commonality in our situations, no matter what part of the world you inhabit. For a "forever adoptive family" to be formed, a mother must be broken and pushed against the wall. Those who want that baby, the Social Workers and agencies, must latch on to that mother at her most vulnerable and begin their art of "gentle" persuasion. Usually, by the time they are through, the mother's self-esteem is so low she feels like she could sit on the edge of a piece of toilet paper and danger her legs over the edge.

Those of us who have sought healing and rebuilding of our self-worth have had a mighty battle on our hands. We have had to fly in the face of popular mythology and make our way without the understanding of many of our loved ones. Only with other mothers have we found the understanding that we need in order to see through the fog and find our real selves, again. My Irish friend has fought the same battle and I love the person she is. There is no pretense or guile in her...just the real person, battle scars and all.

Yesterday morning, we watched a DVD of the Australian documentary, "Gone To A Good Home." My guest was so upset, she had to take meds for her stomach which acts up under stress. There we were, an American and an Irish Woman, watching what had happened to some lovely Australian women and it was as if we were holding hands around the world. We both flinched when we heard the words "slut" and "immoral" bandied about. We knew how it felt to be branded in that manner.

She will carry on the fight in the Republic of Ireland. She has a group there that is active. We will carry on in the US and hope to achieve the level of success that has been reached in Australia. Whether anyone else thinks it will do any good or make any difference, we Senior Mothers deserve to hear the words, "We're Sorry For What Was Done To You," from those who perpetrated and carry on the industry of eugenics and baby-peddling. We deserve to see the industry under public scrutiny before we die. We are aging and this is priority stuff we are talking about. In the long run, it matters not what anyone else thinks we will or will not accomplish. We have earned this and we will fight for it.

Whether we are in Ireland or America or anywhere else on this globe where infants are seen as a commodity, there is a battle to be waged. I think it is going to happen. People are starting to listen and those who adopt and the agencies and attorneys that facilitate adoption are starting to sound a little belligerent when they try to answer our questions.

Sounds like fear to me.

Strange and Mournful Day Has A New Look

About two years ago, facing the annual twisting of the knife that is National Adoption Awareness Month (November), I and another EMS/BSE mother, Kitz, came up with two really good ideas, if I do say so myself. And, with the self-promotion going on in some adoption circles, this is mild by comparison. *wink, nudge

I came up with the idea for National Strange and Mournful Day (*TM) (you can check it out in my archives for 2006 around that time of the year) to be observed on the 30th of November, and Kitz came up with calling November "National Adoption BEwareness Day." All in all, not bad for a couple of middle-age broads with stories to tell.

I based Strange and Mournful Day on lyrics from Paul Simon's "Mother and Child Reunion." However it is lyrics within the body of the song that resonated rather that the issue of reunion, which is separate from the indignities and mistreatment that led to the surrender of our newborns.

Here is the song and I have high-lighted, in red, the parts that touched me where my experience is concerned.

Mother and Child Reunion

Words & music by Paul Simon

No I would not give you false hope,

On this strange and mournful day.

But the mother and child reu-nion

Is only a motion away,

Oh, little darling of mine.I can't for the life of me,

Remember a sadder day.

I know they say let it be,

But it just don't work out that way,

And the course of a lifetime runs,

Over and over again.

No I would not give you false hope,

On this strange and mournful day

But the mother and child reu-nion

Is only a motion away,

Oh, little darling of mine.I just can't believe it's so,

And though it seems strange to say,

I've never been laid so low,

In such a mysterious way,

And the course of a lifetime runs,

Over and over again.

But I would not give you false hope,

On this strange and mournful day,

When the mother and child reu-nion

Is only a motion away,

Oh, oh the mother and child reunion

Is only a motion away,

Oh the mother and child reu-nion

Is only a moment away.

This year, SMAAC will be observing National Adoption Bewareness Month and National Strange and Mournful Day, as an organization. We will be wearing our ribbons, black for grief and the darkness of the Era of Mass Surrenders, red for passion, anger and determination, and white for hope. Many of us will also attach our ribbon badges with a stud earring that is our lost infant's birthstone. When we have completed a ribbon, I'll show it on this blog so that any EMS/BSE moms who want to copy it and wear it, can do so.

The website for SMAAC is coming along and will be open for business, very soon. It is almost poetic that this should happen so close to, what I have started calling, "Black November." National Adoption Awareness Month is about as painful for us as that stupid "Birth-martyrs Day" thing that is observed on the Saturday before Mother's Day. The fact that the entire nation is expected to observe, as a good thing, our tragedies is proof of the arrogance of the industry and its proponents.

Very few people want to know how we were punished for our non-crime of fertility. I hear, still, the spiteful, nasty, hateful and judgmental person, usually a man, saying, "you didn't have to spread your legs." No, I guess we didn't, but the picture of us as a bunch of teen nymphomaniacs is erroneous and unfair. Most of us were in monogamous relationships. Some of us were raped. How many of you made it to your marriage bed with your virginity intact? Hmmmm?

It might not be comfortable for Mr. and Mrs. EMS-Era Adopter to acknowledge the fact that we were misjudged, misused and coerced, but it will soon be made more widespread public knowledge, so someone is just going to have to suck it up and realize that they raised children who were very much wanted by their real mothers.

I hope to see a lot of ribbons being worn, proudly, by mothers of adoption loss this coming November. The more people that ask us what the ribbons mean, the more the truth will be heard.

Sticks and Stones...Martyrs and Saints

While I have made it a policy not to engage in debate or arguments in the comment section of my blog, I do read all comments. Each one of us handles these things in the way that is best for them. For me, it is best to delete and refuse to get caught up in the back and forth that usually goes nowhere because neither party is going to change his or her mind on the subject. However, some just beg to be answered in kind.

On my last post, I was honored with being the target of sticks and stones thrown by a "saint" (adopter) and a "martyr" or, as I have decided to dub these wannabe heroines, "birth-martyrs." I guess we could also call them the thanker and the thankee. It makes me wonder what the "gift" thinks of the whole thing, down deep where the saintly adopter and the birth-martyr can't penetrate.

To the birth-martyr who thinks she did such a wonderful thing; Well, aren't YOU special? If this is how you cope, how you manage to deal with that hole in your heart, then rock on with your bad self. But watch out because the river of De-Nial is full of crocodiles and hippos, oh my!

To the saintly adopter who questions my "inner strength"; My goodness, Ms. Thing, I had no idea that engaging in name-calling, written brawls was an indicator of inner strength. You know what I think inner strength is? No? Well, I'm going to tell you, anyway. Inner strength is carrying on a life and trying to make it a good one when parts of your soul have been ripped from you. Inner strength is refusing to keep a toxic secret and standing up, in public, for what you believe to be true and right, even when...no, make that especially when it is a somewhat unpopular stance.

Inner strength is finding your worth within yourself, rather than in your "heroic deed" (adopting) or your "brave sacrifice" (being a birth-martyr). It is realizing that no other person on earth can make you feel what you don't want to feel about yourself or your life or your ideals. Inner strength is standing fast and taking the responsibility of raising your own child, no matter how much resistance you get to that idea from either family or those that would profit by your surrender. Mothers of today have choices that we didn't during the EMS.

I got a phone call the other night from a dear, smart, adopted adult friend who is wanting to try to change things. She had been contacted by a mother who surrendered here in Florida and, after the 24-hour rescinding period was up, realized that she had done herself and her child a disservice. The problem is that all I can offer her is support and the truth....that she has been thoroughly screwed. I know the adoption broker that "helped" her out of her child and he is a sly fox of a baby-seller. She needs a lot of emotional support because it isn't going to stop hurting or even stop hurting less anytime soon.

We Senior Mothers have posted ourselves blue in the face, trying to tell these newer moms just how painful it is for both us and our children. I have seen pre-verbal grief in a newly adopted infant and I know she was in deep distress. The time to act is before these coercers in sheep's clothing get hold of you. DON'T SIGN ANYTHING! Your child will thank you. My adult daughter actually thanked me for not wanting to surrender her.

Otherwise, you'll get your thanks from the saints (adopters) for being such a good little birth-martyr. You can buy the advertising and drink the Kool Ade or you can call a halt and keep your child. Oh, and my "anger bubble" hasn't burst. Since that anger is only one part of my life, it stays pretty much intact because it is a new, improved RIGHTEOUS and well-directed anger bubble.

Mr. and Mrs. Saint, you guys could help keep a little family together rather than love-bombing some poor putz of a kid who is brainwashed into thinking she will always be your best buddy and her child will just be in your care but not really yours.

If you were to thank me for surrendering my children, you'd not be happy with the reply.

Since When Is A Human Baby A GIFT??

I think one of the most insulting and inane things that has ever been said to me has to be when an adopter tried to THANK ME for the "gift" of my children to the women who adopted them. Hearing my children referred to as "gifts," especially since I was coerced into surrendering them, was appalling. Yet, I have heard that sentiment over and over again, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, especially from the senior adopters who raised the children we Senior Mothers surrendered during the EMS.

I don't know where this vapid, specious, condescending idea got started, but I know that I don't like it. During the first few days of my reunion with my oldest daughter, who searched for me, I was told by the woman who adopted her, "Thank you for ****. Now this reunion nonsense must cease!" THANK YOU, now go away??? That's sort of a really good summary of what those who adopt expect from us Mothers of adoption loss. We are selfless heroines when we surrender, then we are lepers.

They wanted to believe we wanted to give them our children and then they hoped we would die, disappear or crawl in a hole and hide. In fact, at one point, my daughter's adopters told her I was dead. The phenomena of search and reunion has caused some really nasty responses from the people who adopted our children. Some of our adult children were put on guilt trips worthy of every Jewish mother cliche'. Others were given ultimatums and still others just didn't want to be told about it. For many Mothers, we became our children's' dirty, little secrets..something they couldn't share with the people who supposedly loved them unconditionally and only wanted the best for them. I saw a lot of conditional love when I reunited. I saw even more of it when I started talking to my sister Moms and we got to the subject of adopters and their reactions to reunion.

I can understand that the woman who adopted my daughter was filled with fear and that is why she reacted the way she did. It doesn't excuse it, but it explains it. The reason she had that fear was because, she, as a women, knew in her heart that I loved my daughter and would pursue a relationship with her. I had given my daughter some things the adopter couldn't....life, roots, a heritage. And, being from that era, she also knew how we were treated by our families and society and that we did not go willingly to surrender. It might have only been on a sub-conscious level, but she knew.

If I could give any adopter advice that they would actually hear, the first thing I would tell them would be, please don't say "Thank You" to your adoptee's mother. A gift is a check or a nice candle or a gourmet basket...not a human being. That child you are raising or have raised is neither a "gift" nor a "bequest" nor something to which you were entitled by virtue of your desire for a child. To obtain that child, a mother had to be broken, diminished and desperate, with no other choice than to surrender. After what I went through in the early 60's, "Thank You and get lost" is not only an insult, it's a disgusting display of arrogance. It would be better to say, "I am sorry that our joy was your tragedy." At least it would be accurate.

The restrained compassion and "attempts to understand" and descriptions of the love and care they have given the adoptee is, I still firmly believe, a need to justify taking our children and wanting our (and this really blows my mind) approval! They want us to see them as Mothers! This is where my grandmother would say, "want in one hand and sh** in the other and see which one fills up first." Then, of course, failing to gain the big okay from us, we get the other thing...you know, the crackwhore mom thing? That is equally funny because there was no crack in our era. Heck, where I came from, drinking a beer was daring. Those few, pitiful addicts are in the minority, but to hear adopters tell it, you would think that the country was filled to the brim with druggie moms.

There is also the misunderstanding that we came from the careless era of "free love," were flower children and danced naked among the marijuana fumes. Again, most of us were just typical, middle-America, middle class teens and young women who had never seen pot, much less indulged (for me, that came later..self medication for grief). Now does that sound like someone who would think to themselves, "I think I will have sex, get pregnant and give some more worthy couple the gift of a child?" The entire premise is past ridiculous.

I do agree that a baby is a gift from God/dess.....to the woman who gives birth to that baby. A human being is a gift that the Almighty can bestow on a human woman. But one woman cannot bestow a gift of a child to another unless she is very, very weird. No woman that I know is so altruistic that she would "donate" her child to another woman like an item for a charity auction. The Senior Mothers with whom I associate are all in agreement. We did not GIVE our children to anyone. We surrendered out of pure helplessness and hopelessness and with our backs to the wall.

We wanted our babies.

No, Dear God, No!!!!

They might as well have done this to us. The mental and emotional torture that was meted out to the Senior Mother during the EMS was no less painful than having one's feet roasted over an open fire. This was what we have been talking about. We were called "sexually deviant and delinquent" and deemed unfit to mother our children without even being given a fair opportunity to do so. Even if we had, as in my case, only one partner in a loving relationship, we were judged to be "promiscuous."

We can laugh at this picture and call it archaic ignorance, but where has this nation been heading for the past eight years or so? Entities like the, so-called, "Moral Majority," the Evangelical Christian Right Wing and others are turning the US into a hotbed of near-medieval attitudes and actions. The word "reactionary" doesn't even begin to cover it. Every bit of social progress that has been made, especially in the era of women's reproductive, social and career autonomy is being chipped away at by the self-righteous right wing, ie., the Grand Old Party.

We got a good look at the Republican platform this past week, and what I see gives me shivers. If the McCain/Palin team makes it to the White House, we Senior Moms might as well try spitting in the wind. How can any party that proposes to increase adoptions, restore the institution of the maternity home and do away with our right to choose our own reproductive lives be expected to listen to us and our message? These people are dangerous!! NARAL is sending out the word and well they should, that we need to work to defeat this candidate of the GOP in every way we can.

I really wish I had millions of dollars to pour into the coffers of the Democrats. Let's face it. Only one minority can understand the oppression of another. That is why I think Joe Lieberman should be horse-whipped. We have some pertinent information, demands and questions for our national leaders. I do not believe that, should McCain be elected, we would ever get the chance to be heard. We are getting on in years and we don't have another 4 to 8 years to waste, waiting for a better atmosphere in which to air our grievances.

Barack Obama isn't perfectly attuned to our frequency, but he comes a lot closer than his counterpart. Eight years ago, I semi-threatened to leave the country if Bush won. Thanks to some fancy dancing down here in Florida and a loaded Supreme Court, he won and I had to eat my words because we, my hubby and I, have no where else to go. We can't afford Sweden or the Netherlands and Belize is too hot for me. Canada is having some of the same struggles, so what is left to us?

Another few years in Iraq and we will have buried a lot of our children and grandchildren. The discarding of Roe v Wade will put a lot of young women in harm's way and cause even more tragedies like the ones that millions of girls experienced during the EMS. And we only have to look at Palin's daughter to see how much good "Abstinence Only" does. At least she is getting the support and love of her family. We were denied that when it happened to us and we didn't have the option of going to the local health department and obtaining birth control. Neither did we have the option of keeping and raising our children and that is the direction in which we are turning if it isn't stopped dead with a solid defeat of the Republican candidates and platform.

This isn't my old anger speaking, but my fears for the futures of my granddaughter and great-granddaughter. This isn't a biased view from a Democratic Party "faithful." (I did, once, vote for a Rep. candidate.) This is the view of eyes that have seen the world change, significantly, and not always for the better, over 6 decades and what I see worries me. People, we can't let it happen again. The "good old days" weren't all that good. For every "Leave It To Beaver," there was a "Peyton Place."

We must retain our freedoms and choices. We must end the slaughter of our military and civilians in the Middle East. We must keep the church and our government separated. We must defeat John McCain in November. Obama and Biden in 2008!!!

Nightmares, Sound and Fury

I still keep hearing the words of the adopter who was in my water aerobics class when she commented on reunion between the (her) adopted person and the natural mother. She described it as "her worst nightmare."

When my daughter told the woman who adopted her that she had found me, she said, "We were told this would be impossible." We went on to find out that she and her husband, who were cronys with some southern politicos, did all in their power to make sure that it wouldn't happen. They illegally sealed my records of my daughter's birth and surrender. When I inquired of the SC DSS about non-identifying records on my daughter, I was told there were no such records. Yet, a couple of years later, when non-id was made legally available, my daughter got the works and found me, quickly. I was the one who was barred from obtaining any information.

Women who adopt seem to know that we are not lined up like eager applicants, just dying to surrender our children. Deep inside, they realize it was an act of surrender and desperation and not the noble sacrifice myth they try to keep going. They know we would give our right arms to have those children with us again. The fact that there might be more than mere curiosity on the part of the adoptee frightens them and the love we still hold for our children scares the spit out of them. It's a fact that they either try to keep the adoptee from searching or try to run the reunion or, as in the case of one particular adopter, covers her face whenever they drop one mother's son off to visit.

Another adopter disrupted her over-21-aged adoptee's reunion with her mother by calling the police and reporting the mother for KIDNAPPING. If these examples don't show that adoption with the "as if born to" mind-set, done to give a home/couple a baby rather than an infant a home is a broken and skewed institution, there are many more such stories that can be told. These women who feel that they are entitled to a child, don't really know the full ramifications of raising a child they did not bear. There is a bond that they can twist and mangle but they can't break it.

You hear them exclaim, "I was the one who sat up with him/her when they were sick, changed the diapers, drove them to soccer, etc., etc., ad nauseum. I, and many other mothers of adoption loss, would have been overjoyed to wipe those bottoms and stay up until midnight helping put together a science project that is due the next day. If caring for a child makes one a mother, then there are a lot of nannies and baby nurses out there that can claim motherhood.

I get comment after comment, from adopters, mostly, who extol the "beauty" of adoption because they don't want to see the painful underbelly of this "institution." I also get descriptions of slatternly crackwhores from whom these saintly people rescued a child. Funny...out of all the natural mothers I know, and they number in the thousands, now, I don't know of any who were involved in drug abuse or other dangerous behavior at the time they became pregnant with their lost child. There are a few who self-medicated after the fact in order to deal with the pain. I can't blame them. My drug of choice was excess food.

Ladies Who Have Adopted or Who Want To Adopt, please understand something. You are going to do what you want to BUT we are not going to endorse it. It's almost, in your protests to us, that you are asking for our blessing. That is not going to happen. Coercion, either overt or subtle, social attitudes that condemn a single and/or poor pregnant women and laws to insure that these mothers won't have a leg to stand on when they realize they were conned, is not Kosher and never will be. There is no way to justify the majority of adoptions, especially infant adoptions. If that is the only way you can aspire to motherhood, don't you think it might be time to re-think things?

The reunion between the adoptee and the mother may be YOUR worse nightmare. But please remember, we have already lived OUR worst nightmare. We lost our children for no good reason and we were not even allowed to mourn. The pain IS nightmarish.

So, with hope for mothers and their children to reconnect and with only realistic thinking on my part, let me say that I wish for all your nightmares to come true.

Turncoat Of The Day

Not since the late, unlamented Strom Thrumond did his Democrat to Dixiecrat to Republican fancy dance has there been such a switcheroo. Joe Lieberman is exhorting Democrats to cross the party line and vote for McCain. Now there's a picture....a Jewish person from a former losing team not wanting his party members to vote for a mixed-race/African American. It's politics and sour grapes and loser takes nothing as usual. I wonder if he wants McCain to boot Palin and choose him as a running mate? Hmmmm

In any event, I would urge my brother and sister Dems to listen with care to "pouty Joe." Use your native intelligence and realize that this is racism and snitty politics if ever there was any and there is plenty in the old US of A. It's almost enough to start one thinking that anarchy might not be so bad.

As a Senior Mother, I have to investigate and decide what is in the best interests of me, my sisters and their goals. As a life-long Democrat, I have to investigate and make sure that the platform is still in line with most of my thinking. I do know that Democrats tend to be more flexible and willing to listen. No, the Democratic platform is not 100% in line with my thinking, but the Republican platform doesn't even make it to 45%. So you go with the numbers that add up for you. In my case, it's "Sorry Joe, but I won't go."

This is turning out to be either the most historical presidential race in our history and/or, with comedians like Leiberman, the family angst of Gov. Palin and other side notes like the desperate rush by Hillary's contingent to muffle Bill, and the attempts to smooth Mrs. Obama's rough edges, the most hysterically funny. Hey, you have to laugh to keep from crying.

I find it very interesting that Palin's daughter gets to keep her child/ren(?) and is graciously forgiven for her "mistake" when every other young woman who is pregnant and single and/or poor is seen as a lamb for the adoption slaughter. Can anyone tell me what is wrong with this picture? Oh well, that is another blog.

On that note, I would love to direct everyone to Musing Mother and her passionate blog from yesterday. It was terrific and said so much of what I feel. It's a great relief from politics and people talking out of both sides of their mouths. Truth is refreshing, these days.

It isn't even November and I am already tired of the trash talk.

Vagina Voters, Beware These People!

(*Squealing, creaky door and loud scream.....)

Well, here is the nightmare team for the GOP; An adopter and an evangelical. This is a combination that is guaranteed to do all in their power to deny women the right to determine our own reproductive lives and control over our own bodies.

With all the rumors being spread across the Internet about whether or not that little boy, that Palin claims, is hers or her daughter's, there are some serious questions that need honest answers. Add to that the fact that her daughter is pregnant (many believe for the second time) and there is no attempt, so far, in the direction of adoption surrender, makes me wonder about a lot of things.

Is it, for instance, only those of us without political/social/financial connections that should surrender our children for adoption? Is it OK to condemn Jamie Spears but not the Governor's daughter? And what about this assumed, shotgun engagement to the high school hockey jock who calls himself a "f***ing redneck," who "kicks ass" and "don't want kids." Something is truly skewed here. I know that the LAST thing we need in this country's executive branch is an evangelical Christian with the agenda of the radical right wing, who thinks they have the ear of God Almighty, in her apron pocket. Shades of Phyllis Schlafly!!

Oh, and she speaks of her daughter's "mistake." It seems some things never change because it wasn't her having sex that was indicated as the "mistake," but the fact that she got pregnant. Does this ring any bells with my senior sisters? The entire attitude leads me to believe that, as young people, we could have screwed like bunnies as long as it didn't show up in a baby bump. Same attitude, present day......

The Republican party, or as I call them, Enemies of Mothers who Keep (EMK's), is trying to attract the disgruntled "vagina voter" (Thank you, Chris. I love that term.) who are all peeved that Hillary didn't get the nomination. Hey guys, I was a Hillary supporter, too, but I'll be damned if I will vote with my genitals, just because McCain picked a woman for a running mate. If worse came to worse and some bigot decides to take a whack at Obama, I would rather have Biden filling the gap than cuddly, little Palin. Things in the Alaska Governor's mansion are smelling fishy, anyway.

Remember, this is the party that would have maternity "homes" in every town and would push domestic infant adoption like a drug dealer pushes crack. Add to that what I know, personally, about the Fundies and their agenda, and the option of any kind of choice for a female goes down the tubes. Yes, there are still those women who might still opt for no termination and ultimate surrender, but there needs to be protection on the books for the majority who want to make up their own minds without pressure from the "more moral than thou" contingent.

As I look out to sea, from the shore of my thoughts, towards a roiling ocean that is the Republican machinations taking place, I feel like the old world map-maker who wrote, in areas of the deep ocean, "Here be monsters." I can see the Kraken, with its one great eye, waving its "elephantine" tentacles and licking its beak. I didn't trust them eight years ago, I don't trust them now, and I doubt if I ever will. There is also the distinct probability that, should they be elected, what is, now, a really giant undertaking for SMAAC will become an unbelievably difficult struggle and that is to have our stories heard and addressed by our national government. I'm not saying that there are not adoption proponents on both sides of the Congressional aisle, but experience tells me that we stand a better chance with the Dems than with the EMK's.

I am a firm believer that the direction in which this election goes will make the difference between the rights of women being retained or lost. I am bombarding the Obama camp with letters about our reproductive rights and the EMS and the issues of the Senior mothers.

I call it "As The Wheel Squeaks." Join me.

Insanity and The Ruination of Organizations

Albert Einstein made an observation that has been, since, quoted a lot in the 12-step programs. He defined insanity in this manner. “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

This is one of my favorite quotes and one that I have used to remind myself of how useless old, destructive thoughts and behaviors can be and how little control I have over the actions of others. I am now watching some major organizations losing their credibility, memberships and effectiveness by doing the same thing, over and over again. Organizations that began as activist and support groups for mothers of loss have diluted themselves by weakening their messages and involving adopters and adoptees.

Adopters are in the cat-bird seat, socially and really don't need much in the way of input from those of us who don't particularly like what they did. Adoptees have BN and their own efforts for their own causes. So why take a perfectly good organizational premise, devoted to the natural mothers of adoption loss, and dilute it into just another "Triad" (*there is no such thing) group?

We wonder why so many of the millions of mothers of the Era of Mass Surrender are still in the closet. I can see them being easily confused since there is no one taking the stance that the shame that keeps them silent is bogus! It takes a while to get out of that morass of shame and blame and having self-entitled adopters who say they are for "reform" and angry adoptees bombarding them with their issues is not going to help that mother emerge from her cocoon of secrecy.

There are millions of adopted people out there, but I am mother to only two of them. The rest of them are not my responsibility, so this business of "always putting the adoptee's needs first" is guilt speaking and we don't need that guilt nor do we deserve it. We were coerced and we were also victims and were hurt just as much as the adopted person. We make our own way through our own reunions and reunion is not activism. With reunion, you need a support group. With activism, you need an activism group.

I would advise mothers, especially from our generation, who are new to this to find a MOTHERS ONLY support group, and, when they are ready, really look at at the activism groups and see what kind of membership they have. Only Senior mothers are going to work for the issues of Senior mothers and any other groups that tries to be all things to all people is going to, basically, kick us and our issues to the curb.

Hey, that scarlet letter is unearned. You don't have to hide, you don't have to feel shame and you don't have to carry that burden alone. You'd be amazed how liberating it is to throw off the chains that were put there by our parents and social workers, nuns, etc. We are not the perpetrators, here. The industry and the demand that runs that industry are the ones at fault. Reproductive autonomy and freedom for women should have always included the right to birth control, sex education, safe, legal terminations and the right to raise one's own child regardless of marital status, age or financial status. You have nothing of which to be ashamed. But the powers that were and that industry and those that punished us so severely for our non-crime do have a hell of a lot to answer and address.

That's what we are about. If you need to know more, contact us. We are here to help you find your way into the open air. It's nice out here.

Come out and be with friends.

What Are Those Senior Moms Up To Now?

Some people wonder what this SMAAC group is all about. Well, it isn't about reunion. And, while most of us are proudly anti-adoption, it isn't really about that. Nor is it about open records except where those records pertain to the experience of the Senior Mother of adoption loss, pre-surrender. Open records for adopted people is something for them to seek.

Rather, this organization, and any others like it, are about what happened to the mothers in a very significant part of our country's recent history. The EMS/BSE (Era of Mass Surrenders/Baby Scoop Era) was a time of wholesale mistreatment of the young women who dared to become pregnant while young and/or single and/or financially dependent on our parents. As we each waved the white flag, unable to fight the powers against us, and surrendered, our infant children were harvested like ripe grain.

This is not about hating the act of adoption or our own difficulties with those who adopted our children. Those are separate issues. I know...it was the demand that fueled the market, but adopters are still a sidebar in this struggle.

This is about the massive injustice perpetrated on vulnerable young women, often with the aid and blessings of our own parents. This is about being placed in a demeaning category, labelled, judged, isolated from family and friends, made to labor for others while awaiting our own ultimate labor. It's about being harassed by social workers/counselors if we even breathed a thought about wanting to keep our babies. It's about being subjected to sub-standard medical "care" and being treated with disdain by nurses and doctors. It's about having legal documents that no minor should be asked to sign without objective, legal counsel thrust under our noses while still recovering from labor and delivery, often while still under the influence of the drugs they pumped into us.

This is about being denied the right to see and hold our babies or having to fight to do so. And it is about being handed trite, comfortless comfort by those workers/counselors such as "you will forget" and "you can always have more children." This is about the fact that, even for those of us who managed to suppress some of the memories, our emotions and our bodies never forgot. This is all about emerging from the fog of denial and fear and shame and seeing, clearly, the horrible legal crime of which we and our children were the victims.

It's all about righteous anger and determination that our stories will continue to be told and names will be named, wrongs will be revealed and someone will have to step forward and recognize what those in our age group have known, as fact, for decades. We were given no choice in our fates and were more punished than helped by these "homes" and "social workers." Feeding on our flesh and blood, the adoption industry and the field of social work "professionals" became fat and sassy while we, being the compliant, good little girls of our era, kept our secret inside where IT fed on our psyches and what was left of our self-esteem.

Surviving this horror and coming out of the secrecy closet into the light of day has made us much stronger. We are wise to the ways of coercion and emotional bullying. We realize that the brand we thought we would have to wear for life is easily removed, rejected and discarded. We scream for our modern-day sisters to hear us, to stop before they sign those papers. But, too often and sadly, they don't hear us and go their own way and Big Adoption grows fatter and more powerful.

Well, we now know we can't expect our younger sisters or even our own children, in many instances, to understand the historical impact of this era of mass eugenics. If attention is brought to this horror, we are going to have to speak up. We are going to have to let our passion and our determination show and we are going to have to risk being verbally attacked and denigrated. You have to have a backbone of iron to do what we are planning to do. We are going to have to lean on each other when that iron starts to melt from the furnace of reaction to our unpopular stance.

Most of all, we are going to have to keep some things separate...our personal lives and our reunions...from our battle. Those things are our private business and off-limits to attackers. We can share those things on private support-group sites.

The lady Justice holds the scales and there is a definite imbalance which she feels. It is up to us to tell her why there is that imbalance and what can be done to even things out, again. It may never be completely in balance, but we can knock a little weight off the other side of the scale before we pass on.

OK, here we come. Get out your dogs and fire hoses because we are not going to stop.

Realistic View of "Abstinence Only"

I read this article on a private list and it said so much of what I would love to say to the young people of today. This speaks to the reactionary groups that would take us back in time to a society where young women were chattel, breeding stock for the "right kind of people" and kept ignorant of their options and uneducated about sexuality and birth control. In fact, if they had their way, our daughters and granddaughters would not be allowed access to reproductive control of their own bodies.

I am a Senior Mother and I, most emphatically, endorse and, sadly, understand, all too well, this message!

http://onlinejournal.com/artman/publish/article_3659.shtml


Commentary;Moral tyranny and female tragedy: The terrible human cost of anti-choice abortion ‘values’By Dennis Rahkonen Online Journal Contributing Writer Aug 25, 2008, 00:14

A teenage girl finds herself pregnant after her first car date with a boy. The boy’s parents are prominent Republicans in their community, and the girl’s mom and dad are conservative evangelicals. Given their backgrounds, neither young person was ever exposed to appropriate sex education. And, because of who their parents are and what they believe, neither can even begin to consider telling them what’s happened.

The boy just shrinks away and leaves the girl to deal with her “problem” alone.
Having attended church with her family, she’s guilt-ridden by what she’s repeatedly heard about the “irresponsibility” of females (all unmarried women) who allow themselves (*yep, we did it all ourselves..where was the guy in all this?RW) to become pregnant.

She contemplates abortion, but has been effectively propagandized into thinking that even when a child terminates a pregnancy to prevent having a child -- regardless whether the abortion is performed early -- it constitutes “murder” in a supposedly nefarious “hidden holocaust.”
Then she ponders running away, giving birth, and keeping the baby. But where would she go, what about her education and future plans, how could she support herself and take care of a constantly demanding infant?

The girl grows increasingly morose. Friends at school notice the change and wonder why, but she’s not forthcoming. Her parents figure she’s going through a phase.
Then, on a Friday night, during her town’s biggest football game of the season, she leaves the filled, brightly-lit, clamoring stadium and walks alone to the darkness of the river just a few blocks away. Upon reaching its bank, she doesn’t stop walking. She splashes forward, into deeper water, until only her head is above the surface. The last thing she hears is cheers from the nearby game, then her own gasp, as she vanishes beneath the surging current . . . (*A moment of silence for my old friend, Janice, from SC, who died of an intentional overdose of Seconal, 4 months pregnant, in 1964. RW)

The foregoing is just one variation of a massive human tragedy that’s befallen countless girls and women in America, over decades. It’s a tragedy that needn’t exist, but does, because we live in a male-dominated society fraught with sexist assumptions and religious absurdities that crash down upon our female populace like a ton of falling bricks. Quite wrongly and cruelly, many of us place much greater value on the well-being of first-trimester embryos, or even initial zygotes, than on the living, breathing, already born, socially functioning females in whose wombs they reside.

Women’s health -- their reproductive rights and choice -- are being demonized and obviated, supplanted by almost primitive fetus fetishism, which sees the “baby” as “innocent” against the implied (and sometimes openly stated) view that women who get pregnant contrary to their wishes are sinfully just the opposite . . . and therefore not worthy of comparable, or greater, consideration. Incredibly, not only is abortion equated with murder, but an overarching conservative failure to accept or deal with human sexuality erects obstacles to the comprehensive sex education and ready contraceptive availability that would vastly diminish the need for abortions, if implemented.

“Abstinence Only” is promoted instead, and commonly forgotten in the heat of passion. It’s also a veritable conduit for the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. Those who think that hoped-for iron will alone can stop peer-abetted temptation should note that many of the worst drug addicts we have were enrolled in the “Project D.A.R.E.” anti-drug program as kids.
Yes, abortion remains legal, but decreasingly so. It’s becoming harder and harder to obtain, particularly for poor women (*poor and poor married women are increasingly becoming targets for social workers and agencies touting surrender for adoption..RW) and those residing in rural areas.

Moreover, we’re just one conservative Supreme Court appointment away from a probable reversal of Roe v. Wade. Then we’d revert to the bloody, back-alley days of terrible female deaths -- in staggering numbers -- that we should ask our older female relatives to talk about. Especially if they were former hospital nurses, they’ll tell us of the real “holocaust” that took desperate lives in a fearful era when female reproductive health wasn’t recognized and choice was outlawed.

Even today -- somewhere, somehow -- some woman or young girl, who yielded to the physical and emotional pressure of a man or boy with just one thing on his mind, is likely involved in dire circumstances at this moment because outmoded attitudes born in a backward, benighted, biased age left her with no options.

Maybe it’s a suicide rope instead of a one-way walk into the water. Maybe her car crashed for no apparent reason. Or perhaps it’s a too-late arrival at an emergency room, following hemorrhaging caused by an ill-advised wire hanger “solution.”

In any case, it’s a loss of hope, and lives, that we can’t morally or practically sustain.
At federal, state, and local levels, please be sure to vote for candidates who advance women’s health and shield female reproductive rights. It’s the correct, necessary thing to do.

Dennis Rahkonen of Superior, Wisconsin, has been writing progressive commentary with a Heartland perspective for various outlets since the ’60s. Copyright © 1998-2007 Online Journal Email Online Journal Editor

I consider this a cautionary tale and, having lived it, can testify to the honesty and accuracy of this article. The women of America need to take a long and hard look at where we are headed. This is one of the reasons that SMAAC seeks justice, recognition and redress for the EMS/BSE. Surely, once the general public is aware of what was done to us, they would not want to go back there.

Would they?

That "Angry" Thing

I am beginning to think that the stock answer for every issue we mothers of adoption loss have, especially from "good little beemommies," "loyal, obligated adoptees" and self-entitled adopters/PAPs, is that we are, somehow, bitter and angry people without a life. I can remember some of the younger "good bee-moms" calling us Senior Mothers "bitter old birthmoms" or "bobs." That translates, I am told, into dildos or "battery operated boyfriend." Gee, wasn't that clever? Nothing to get incensed about there. Nosiree.

It came to me, last night, as I was lying in my husband's arms (going on 20, happy years here) and making jokes and laughing our heads off, that the people who make these judgments don't really know us at all. We have a cause and we have reason for our displeasure, but that isn't all we are about as individuals. We work jobs or careers, keep homes, some have raised children, grandchildren (I even have GREAT-grandchildren), go on vacations, have friends, hobbies, pay taxes...well, shoot, that makes us sound normal. What a concept!

Now, let's explore that Anger thing. Let's see....if you, as a young, vulnerable girl, were condemned as immoral, deviant, a disgrace to your family, isolated, given sub-standard medical care, told you were unfit to be a mother to your own, natural child and forced into surrender, not allowed to grieve and seen by those that knew the story as "soiled goods," all because you loved, not wisely but too well, wouldn't you be just a little bit sore? If you were blamed for it all while the guy you thought was the love of your life got off with a wink and a nudge, wouldn't you feel just a bit put-upon? I mean, we did carry and give birth to a living child only to have that child taken from us. Did anyone really think that the loss of a child was a minor pain we would "get past" and then "go on with our lives" as if it had never happened?

We were not like the young women of today. We did not enjoy the autonomy of the liberated female of this present era. Young women who had sex outside of marriage were called sluts whether we only had one partner or many or even if we were raped. We did what we were told and we were told to keep silent, so we did and we held it in for decades. When reunions started popping up all over the country, many of us sleepers awakened and, yes, we got mad! We also went through all the mourning we had stuffed down for anywhere from 30 to 40+ years. We worked through our pain and realized that we needed to speak out and demand attention for what was done to us and to our children.

Now we see our daughters and granddaughters in danger of facing the same kind of anguish. Unless the savagery of the Era of Mass Surrenders is described to the public in no uncertain terms, unless we can persuade our government that this would be a bad move, women will once again be treated as breeders and chattel. If being angry about what happened to us and to our children can help bring that about, then, Hell YES, we're pissed. But it is a righteous, earned anger and we are not going to apologize for it or be ashamed of it.

We're not the vulnerable victims we once were. We're empowered by that "anger" that so many want to use as an insult. As I have noted before, I think the African Americans, during the Civil Rights Movement of the '60's, were somewhat miffed and it powered an effective and historical change in our nation's social climate.

For the millions of young women who had their infants taken from them, who were seen as unfit because of age, marital status and financial need, who were not allowed to know our children as they grew, who were not allowed expression of their grief, it's our turn and "anger management" isn't going to stop us. We're not out to hurt anyone with our anger unless it might be the people who make money in the infant trade. We are out to find justice and recognition. That's a very effective use of a normal human emotion...anger. The emotion isn't wrong. It's what you do with it that counts.

Someone said that the name of our organization, SMAAC, sounded "angry." Well Gee...Ya think?

Adopteri Non Donum Anum Rodentum

While I am sure that my high-school Latin leaves a lot to be desired and the title I have given this post is not exactly good Latin usage, I hope it conveys a message to "Anonymous" and all the others out there who see the people who adopt as innocent and saintly and ignorant of our plights.

One more time...the adopters?...THEY WERE THERE. You couldn't live in that era and not know exactly what was going on and how we were "handled" by the social workers, our parents, school authorities, employers, clerics and others. It was a fact of everyday life so the argument that "they weren't there," doesn't hold water. So, not only did they know, Adopteri non donum anum rodentum, or, as we say in English, adopters didn't give a rat's ass. All they cared about was getting that baby. They justified it by thinking that any girl/young women who would have sex outside of marriage and have the nerve to get pregnant deserved the horrendous, punitive, heart-breaking treatment she received.

Some of these adopters were nurses and you should have seen how they treated us during labor and delivery. We were ignored, had nasty comments made to us and told that we had "asked for what happened to us." There were also doctors who behaved in that same manner and they, along with ministers, social workers, teachers, school principals, etc, were also among the number of adopters.

Aside from that, the attitude and actions were simply public knowledge. And they saw their neighbor's daughters, even their nieces and cousins, come home from their "visit to an aunt" with haunted eyes and an aura of grief about them or closed down, emotionally, like zombies.

Some of them were the "mental health professionals" that declared us delinquent and sexually "promiscuous." They were also among the ranks of those that adopted. All of them were part of the society that labeled us and demeaned us and felt smugly superior to us.

Even now, when a young mother and her caring family in Ohio cry for her lost daughter, the adopters are hidden and without compassion for the way she was taken in and abused by the agency and their shills. There is no compassion for the mother in adopters. That might mean that they would have to consider returning that baby to the mother and they are a very possessive lot. Most of them will be damned if they are going to give up their make-believe parenthood just because the mother (and the adoptee) will suffer.

So, again, don't ask questions that attempt to justify and make blameless the adopter in the equation. And, if they happen to feel bad about what we say, well, Materi Naturi non donum anum rodentum! Got it?

Bad Old Days Comin' Back Again

Anyone who doesn't believe that private agencies, this government and its minions are not trying to "re-criminalize" and isolate unmarried mothers and deal in infants is not watching or reading the news. This is why Senior Mothers are so intent on getting attention for the EMS in order to show the public just what it might be getting from these baby brokers and state social workers and how it is hurting vulnerable women and their infants.

Our reproductive rights are NOT enhanced or bettered by this kind of operation. When will NOW and other feminist factions realize that the right to keep and raise one's infant should also be a part of a woman's reproductive rights? Where is the ACLU when we need them?

We had our rights taken from us along with our children. Do we really want to see this happen again and to this great extent? Think about your sisters, daughters and granddaughters being coerced and bullied and conned by a huge industry into surrendering the rights to YOUR flesh and blood. Gladney is a fancy holding facility for fecund mares. Any pregnant woman who walks through that door doesn't have a glimmer of hope if she decides she might want to keep her baby. In other words, if you go to Gladney, you're toast as a mother. Now they are extending their heinous tentacles into the third world countries and reaping their infants. Read this and weep.

http://www.marketwatch.com/news/story/gladney-center-adoption-announces-new/story.aspx?guid=%7B2D8594C6-E556-4322-B606-5CD26F9AD34D%7D&dist=hppr

Gladney Center for Adoption Announces New Marketing Campaign and Updated Website

Last update: 11:51 a.m. EDT Aug. 21, 2008
FORT WORTH, Texas, Aug 21, 2008 /PRNewswire via COMTEX/ -- FORT WORTH, Texas, Aug. 21 /PRNewswire-USNewswire/ -- The Gladney Center for Adoption has recently unveiled a new marketing campaign as well re-launched Gladney's updated website.
The Birth Parent and Adoptive Parent Campaigns have a new look with the development of new marketing creative materials. Gladney's new Birth Parent campaign, "Encouraging Words," brings a message of hope to those experiencing unplanned pregnancies. Hope is hidden in the everyday environment and with Gladney; a birth mother can find hope. (Yeah, right. She can go there, knowing her baby will not come home with her.RW)
The Adoptive Parent campaign is designed to create a message of hope, love and anticipation that adoptive parents feel as they enter into the adoption process. The materials with a toy chest image, creating a message of love, hope and anticipation that adoptive parents feel as they enter into the adoption process. (Not to mention the self-entitlement, the emotions of covetousness, greed and total disregard for the mother's pain. RW) The toy chest and toys are used as the key visual element and the toys represent each country and program. The use of the toys demonstrates Gladney's connection to each country with which we work and underscores Gladney's expertise in adoption.
The updated website includes Birth Mother video testimonies as well as Adoptive Parent and Adoptee testimonies. The Birth Mother website has a different look and feel than the adoptive parent site. More media stories are included as well as information about Gladney's vast humanitarian aid efforts. The site is designed to be easy to use.
The Gladney Center for Adoption is one of the oldest and largest maternity homes and adoption agencies in the United States, placing more than 27,000 children in permanent homes and assisting more than 36,000 birth mothers. In addition to placing children born in the United States, Gladney's international program is committed to finding permanent homes for children in other countries. Adoption opportunities are available in several countries around the world including Eastern European, Asian and Latin American countries. A genuine commitment to client and social service makes Gladney an exceptional adoption agency and a national leader in adoption.
For more information about Gladney's adoption programs and humanitarian aid efforts please log onto http://www.gladney.org/.
CONTACT: Jennifer Lanter
Public Information Officer
Gladney Center for Adoption
(817) 922-5968
Jennifer.lanter@gladney.org
http://www.gladney.org/
SOURCE Gladney Center for Adoption http://www.gladney.org/
Copyright (C) 2008 PR Newswire. All rights reserved

And who says that adoption isn't an industry? This article is as slick as any spin doctor can produce.

Message to Gladney: STOP MARKETING ADOPTION!!!!!

Feigning Innocence..Saintly Adopters

This statement was too good to pass up. Comment from (of course) "Anonymous:" "I don't understand how people who adopted babies would know what you girls went through. How would they know if they weren't there? "

Oh, but dear Anonymous, they WERE there. They were part of the system, the society, the attitude and were the beneficiaries, along with the agencies, of our suffering. They knew who was being expelled, fired, sent to "live with and aunt" and who returned a few months later, an emotional basket case. They were the ones who whispered behind the backs of the girls who "got caught" while many of them were doing the same thing but were not caught or else had daddies with deep pockets who could pay the right doctor to perform a "therapeutic D & C."

Why do you think a women would call the reuniting of her adoptee with the natural mother "her worst nightmare" if she didn't KNOW, in her heart, the kind of pain we were feeling. Oh, a lot of them have told themselves the same fairy tale, over and over again, until they can push the truth back into a dark corner of their mind, but, being women, they KNEW. They were able to convince themselves that we were irresponsible sluts to justify taking our children.They were also given a lot more information about us that most of them will let on, especially to the adoptee.

Those paragraphs in the surrender documents were not there to protect us "girls" (BTW, we are women, fully grown, now) but were placed there to protect adopters because they, adopters and facilitators, KNEW that the love of a mother was strong enough for her to want to seek out her child unless there were some strong threats to deter her. Most of us were threatened with jail and/or financial ruin for our families.

So don't try to hand me or my sisters from the EMS that kind of bull manure. They knew, the social workers knew and all the other who chastised, mistreated, denigrated, labeled, coerced and devastated us, INCLUDING THE ADOPTERS, knew. Unless you lived in that era, you couldn't possibly understand or see the truth when it is staring you in the face.

Most adopters are still in denial. The reason we are their worst nightmare is that they know our anguish and their culpability in it. They also know the difference between a mother/child bond and an attachment formed by a child so that that child can survive.

They didn't want to be told how much we were injured, but they KNEW. If they deny it, it is because they don't want that halo to show its tarnish. Their "joy" was our anguish and they KNEW. If they don't feel guilty about it, they should.

Ask An Honest Question........

..get a very skewed bunch of answers. The question, put to the readers and contributors of "Yahoo Answers" was "Does any adoptive mother or adult adoptee truly know the inhumane, graphic details of what happened to the Surrendering Mothers during the Era of Mass Surrenders?
That time in the years of Post WWII thru 1973? Do you really know what happened to us Senior Surrendering Mothers? Or do you really choose to believe in the supposed 'voluntary' surrenders we supposedly 'voluntarily' participated in? Would you choose to know the graphic details of our experiences prior to the act of adoption? While we were pregnant, L&D, Post-partum..prior to surrender and/or the finalization of adoption. Would you want to hear the Ugly Truth in how our babies came to be surrendered and adopted?? (question asked by shadowwinter)

Most of the answers were either avowals of complete ignorance or denials hinting that we were unfit and were active participants in the "decision" to surrender our babies. Anyone who has taken the time to read Ann Fessler's "The Girls Who Went Away," has surely absorbed at least a glimmer of the truth of that era. But too many wear ear plugs, blinders and do not speak of what they know, in their hearts, to be true.

Those of us in reunion are now having to explain the situation to our adult children who range in age from their 40's up to their early 60's. The biggest concentration of EMS adoptees are in their 40's. Along with these explanations of the times and the social climate of those years, they are having to confront the real probability that their adopters knew how we were being isolated, shamed, used, abused and discarded. It's not an easy thing for an adopted person to accept and understand. My daughter spent a lot of time trying to get me to understand why her adopters behaved in the manner in which they did (which was horrible and insulting) even though she knew they were wrong in their attitudes. What she didn't realize was that I did understand their fear, but that the situation and their reasons did not justify their actions or attitudes.

Whether the adult adopted person from that era or their adopter want to accept or admit it, these covetous couples KNEW what was being done to us, knew we were being treated as deviant, amoral, social "problems" and KNEW that we were in deep pain when our children were taken from us. Maybe they sort of bought the social workers' reassurances that we would go on to live full lives, have other children and everything would be just hunky-dory because they wanted to buy it. But, in the back of the female adopter's mind, there was that fear and prejudice. One adopter from that era was very frank with me when she told me that the thought of her adopted children finding their mothers and having relationships with them was "her worst nightmare."

I think this just goes to show the fact that no one can live, comfortably, in a lie, even a legal lie, for very long. And, in the end, most of those legal lies have come back to bite a lot of the people involved in the ass.

What is happening today is built on the arrogant use of young, single mothers during the EMS. This is why we Senior mothers, members of SMAAC, address that era and that era ONLY. We were overtly forced, bullied and coerced. As time went by and the industry used media, slick spin doctoring, and the vision of the surrendering mother as a heroine, the mothers and their families were more hoodwinked and conned. It's hard, in either instance to admit, as Senior Moms, that we had no control or autonomy, or, as the younger moms, that they got scammed. big time. These young "heroines" are the ones who show up one or two or three years later, on our support groups, in tears, trying to deal with the pain.

The fact that we have posted our fingers bloody, trying to dissuade a new mother-to-be against surrender goes unheeded. One such mother accused us of not speaking out soon enough to save her from her fate. Honey, we've been yelling at the top of our lungs for decades, only to have you and others like you, call us "bitter old birthmoms" or "bobs" which, also stands for "battery operated boyfriend.(dildoes)" Being insulted doesn't exactly encourage us to help you.

Someone, yesterday, sent me a link to a story about a natural mom who killed her child. That is sick and sad and, only accounts for a very, very small minority of natural mothers. I can direct this same person to a huge page of stories about adopters and foster parents killing and abusing the children in their care. Just take one of the links to your right about "Adoptor Abuse" and the one about Russian adoptees. You will quickly see that your argument is moot and irrelevant to our movement. We are not abusers. We are mothers and damn good ones, at that.

What we'd like to see is just a few HONEST answers to a very honest question. I have a feeling that will not happen in my lifetime.

SMAAC Is On Its Way

The Senior Mothers Adoption Activist Coalition, SMAAC, is nearing the time when we we unveil our website. There will be quite a few features and some of the information will be available to the public. We are excited and feeling very positive that something that has been allowed to slip under the justice radar for decades is getting even more exposure. The noose is getting tighter and tighter.

During the EMS (Era of Mass Surrenders*TM), just the staggering numbers of girls and young women who were overtly punished for their fertility, evidence of sexual activity, and robbed of their precious infants should have been reason enough for investigation. Now, in our middle and later years, we are gathering steam, throwing off the old programming of silence and secrecy, and speaking out. It is making a lot of people uncomfortable. Too darn bad. It's going to get louder before it's over.

Let me introduce us to you. We are everywoman. Some are career women, some are homemakers, others both work and have raised a family after the loss of their first born. We are blue-collar, white-collar and in between. Others have suffered from secondary infertility and never experienced raising their own flesh and blood. Even others, we are sorry to say, adopted to fill the void and, we believe, subconsciously, to try to get back what they lost. Some of us have reached retirement in one piece.

What we share is the sad and horrifying experience of having lived in a time when young women had no autonomy, were held totally responsible for the results of sexual activity (as if the young men didn't exist), were punished, labeled as "delinquent," "morally unfit" and "psychologically disturbed." We were expelled from schools, fired from jobs, refused rental housing, isolated from our families and friends in maternity institutions or sent to distant relatives, or hidden in basements and closets when company came. The fathers of our babies either abandoned us (actually, ran like rabbits) or, if they were caring enough to want to help, were warned off and threatened with arrest and statutory rape charges by families who wanted a magical restoration of their daughter's virginity.

We were constantly bombarded, by social workers, and, shamefully, even our own families, nuns, pastors, nurses, etc., as to our general lack of fitness to raise our own children and lied to about what would happen to our children once we signed those papers. Case in point: many of our infants were in foster care for months before they were finally put into an adoptive home. We were told there was an ideal family "just waiting" for our child and that our baby would go directly to them. That "ideal family" was usually no better than us and some were not as good at parenting as we would have been.

We were allowed to labor in pain without any comfort or family members with us, often given sub-standard medical care and treated with disdain by the health care "professionals" who were supposed to be caring for us. Many of us were drugged into incoherence so as not to bother the nursing staff while we labored. Some of those drugs were dangerous and caused us problems in later years. Many of us were terrified, without knowledge of the process of labor and birth, and so, so alone. Most of us were too naive, vulnerable and used to following the instructions of older people to fight back against this mistreatment.

We were presented with papers that no minor should have been required to sign, especially without legal representation, often while still groggy from the drugs given us during labor and delivery. Many of us were not allowed to see our babies and those of us that were, had to really fight for the privilege. We received no copy of the papers we signed. We were not allowed access to the original birth certificate, even if we, as in my case, named our children. Anyone who balked at signing received veiled threats of financial penalties and other horrible consequences.

We were sternly instructed to keep our "shameful secret" because that would be the only way we could ever hope to find a "decent man that would have us." And we were also told we would "forget," have other children and everything would be just hunky-dory. Like dutiful young women, most of us played those tapes in our heads for years, some of us married the first man that would have us and tried to replace our missing babies. Some were so crippled by the grief that they couldn't go that route and, instead, put their efforts into education and careers. Some of us went through a period of acting out because sincere expressions of our grief were not allowed. That was the elephant in the living room.

A little over 25 years ago, something happened that caused the sleeping EMS mothers to awaken. Young women started keeping and raising their "out-of-wedlock" babies and were even feted with baby showers. Safe, legal abortion became available, and single women and girls could go to their local health department and obtain effective birth control. AND ADULT ADOPTEES STARTED SEARCHING FOR THEIR MOTHERS (and vice versa). We awoke from our decades-long slumber and started remembering, started questioning and we got mad as Hell and are refusing to take it anymore. We found the Internet, found each other, compared notes and became even angrier. We started speaking out and making many people quite uncomfortable.

We have targets, now, for our accusations and demands. We are no longer frightened, intimidated, shamed and secretive. We count our taken children, with pride, among the rest when asked how many children we have. We have wiped that scarlet letter off our foreheads and no one, repeat...NO ONE...will ever put it back there. We are also several million, card-carrying, AARP members...most over 50 and many more headed for 70. We refuse to die before this horrible era and the injustices perpetrated against the vulnerable and the frightened is addressed in a public arena and the adoption industry's "storm-trooper" beginnings are exposed.

If the general public gets a good look at how middle-class, mostly white, girls were treated like brood mares for the infertile, perhaps they might start re-thinking their acceptance of adoption as some kind of "pink-cloud" fairy tale. Maybe adopters will realize that we never stopped being mothers just because some judge said that we were no longer the mothers of the children we bore.

And, to the young women and girls of today, unless you are planning on keeping and raising that baby you carry, start planning to be a mother. It's your right and your responsibility. To others, you have access to the means to prevent pregnancy. USE IT! Don't let yourself be caught up in that old chestnut about "not being ready to be a mother." If you are pregnant, and plan to carry to term, then Nature makes you a mother and you will be ready...maybe a bit nervous, but ready, none the less. And, for Heaven's sake, don't fall for the industry "hype."

The loss of a child to adoption is agony and so-called "open adoption" is an industry farce. You have more autonomy than we had in the 50's and 60's. Take advantage of the strides taken for the rights of women and declare your right to either not conceive or carry, or to be a mother whether you have $100K in the bank, finished school or have a husband or not. It can be done. Michael Phelp's mother did it and look at him.

Now, watch your older sisters as we pick up the reins that should have been handed to us 40+ years ago and drive this team to our destination. Weeee're baaaaaa-aaaack!

Mixers and Poseurs

There is always someone around who wants to stir things up for attention, malice, or whatever. Those who complain about the numerous organizations for mothers with different designations or needs tend to be those who, themselves, were instrumental in bringing about some of the rifts. The fact is that there are mothers of all sizes, shapes, flavors and colors whose needs are not exactly the same. Anyone who wants to pour us all into one pot and stir will get a noxious brew that is unpalatable and just causes one to run in circles without any real results. These are the mixers, the ones who provoke in a passive/aggressive style and then deny their intent. These are the ones who are anathema to the goals of any of the mothers' groups.

There are some moms who are still searching and have yet to learn a lot about what was actually done to them, there are some who are older and want to have the particular trespasses of their era addressed, others who need help in dealing with reunion, some in "open" adoptions....the list can go on and on. Some were coerced, some were brainwashed and some believed the hype until it was too late.

I am a member of some support groups where there are mothers just starting to deal with the many aspects and heartaches of reunion. I am not the militant activist there that I am in SMAAC or here, on my blog. That is because the need is DIFFERENT! (Maybe if I shout, someone might get the message.)

This is the reason we have formed SMAAC (Senior Mothers Adoption Activism COALITION) as, not only a group to seek redress for the horror of the mass surrenders during our era, but as a way to be open to what any other groups are doing and, if it meets our criteria, act in support. Motherhood and the loss to adoption are the thread that loosely ties us together, but circumstances, eras, state of reunions, and attitudes give us different needs.

I went out to Geneva, FL, to a wonderful horse farm there to visit a friend, not too long ago. There were horses everywhere but there were different areas for different horses. The breedable mares and the stallions were kept separate for obvious reasons. There were geldings, yearlings, the untrained and, in another place, the steady, trained, trail-riding mounts. There were roans, blacks, pintos, palominos, whites, Appaloosas, mustangs, huge draft horses and Arabians. Due to the different temperaments and uses, these various animals were kept in their own areas. Yes, they were all horses, but with very different needs. Some could pasture and feed together, some could not...but yes, they were all horses. Mothers of adoption loss? Same thing.

Now, I might be wrong, but I question the motives of anyone who wants to lump us all together in one "brew." Could it be that someone wants to be a big fish in a big pond rather than a big fish in a little pond? I rather think that could possibly be the case. Inflated ego and arrogance are terrible things in anyone, even a Mother of Adoption Loss.

In any event, SMAAC, BSERI and other groups will continue to do what they need to do to meet the needs of their particular constituents. We are not just going to jump into a cauldron and will not be assimilated by the Mother of Adoption Loss Borg. Resistance is not only NOT futile, it is necessary. We have to do what we have to do for ourselves. No one else is going to do it for us.

So, quote Gandhi or MLK or anyone else....these people were devoted to a cause for a specific group of people....so are we. BN works for the adopted person...nothing else. They sure as heck won't get thrown into a witch's kettle and neither will we! We work for the good of the Senior Mother and we are proud of our designation, even when there are those who would mock it.

Wicked potion brewers never learn.