I have had it! I am so sick and tired of the careless, uncaring, thoughtless and even nasty things being said about Natural Mothers. When it comes from a member of your own family, it hurts. Even if the thing that was said wasn't directed at you, it can hurt. It gets especially vicious when they go after teen moms, but any young woman who dares to conceive without the dubious benefit of holy deadlock is fair game. Here are a few of the statements, made by those who have no idea what it's like, that set my dentures on edge.
"You've ruined your life!" HOGWASH. The idea that the young, single mom is going to be on welfare for life, will never have a good relationship, career, education or fulfilling events in her life is bullshit of the smelliest variety. I only have to look among my contemporaries to see the erroneous nature of that idea. And I really have to hand it to some of the newer moms who are finishing their schooling, working and raising a child and not complaining. We are a confused and spoiled culture that keeps our children in a state of infancy post-puberty.
"Your baby deserves TWO parents who can give them more." More what? More love? More care? AAH. More MONEY. And the fact that there IS a father who should be contributing to the care of his child is not considered? I wish I had a ten-spot for every adopted adult who has said they would not have minded not having the pony and the toys and the dance lessons if it had meant they could have stayed in their family of origin. I could go on a nice vacation.
"You're the one who spread her legs." Why is it that a girl's sexuality is condemned while a boy's gets a wink and a nudge? I can also tell everyone, from hard experience, that many times those knickers didn't come off without a lot of urging and cajoling from a horny guy along with false protestations of eternal love. And, in a few cases, those horny guys just took what they wanted without permission. It's just sex, for Pete's Sake and it doesn't make a slut out of a girl who gives in to passion. It's the loose talk and the labels and condemnations that do that. How about offering sex education and available birth control instead of unrealistic expectations?
"Haven't you ever heard of birth control?" It's awfully hard to hit the Health Department for the pill or insist on condoms when you have Dad and Mom preaching 'aabstinence only' and believing that their little girl would never let a nasty boy touch her like that. This willful forgetting of their own teen years spells disaster for the sons and daughters who are too human to measure up. AND, condoms fail and even the pill can fail if a dose is missed or if there are certain other factors such as a short illness and other medications in the body.
"You cannot give your child a good life. They will be messed up and never amount to anything." I have seen numerous people who were adopted by well-meaning, affluent people who turned out to be addicts, thieves, bad with family and relationships, and even murderers. There are no guarantees. You just do your best. On the other hand, there are many people raised by single mothers who had succeeded in making good lives for themselves. And several of those people credit their mother's influence as the reason behind their success. Among them are Bill Clinton, Barack Obama and Olympian Michael Phelps. Whereas, among adopted people, we can include, Ted Bundy (adoptee lite), Jeffrey Daimler and David "Son of Sam: Berkowitz. It's not the family structure but the quality of family love and guidance and that can be a crap shoot.
"You can always have babies after you're married, have a home and are settled in a career." OK, this one is the old promise that we can have it all. Yet it has been proven that delayed childbearing is the leading cause of infertility. A study in the UK concluded that women lost 90% of their viable ova by age 30. That doesn't mean you can't become pregnant after 30. It just means it is a lot harder. And a mother in her late teens to early 20's does seem to have a monopoly on the energy it takes to keep up with toddlers and small children. That is hard work. But I know a few young mothers who, while raising small children, pursued their education and a career. One became a cardiologist while raising twins on her own. Don't set limits on those who find themselves pregnant at a young age and single. They take the things you say to heart and you may be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
"She went and got herself pregnant." Yeah Buddy. I picture women raiding sperm banks or knocking out young men to procure sperm, then getting out the old turkey baster and doing the deed. What tripe. In most normal pregnancies, it takes two, a male and a female, both equally responsible for the act and the outcome, to make a baby. Has our species not evolved far enough to cease this demonetization of women? Will we always be judged by a two-millenia-old patriarchal myth about our worth and our sexuality? We have stood on another planet. We take pictures of distant galaxies and have working computers no bigger than our palms, but we still are sexist, racist, ageist and operating from a questionable idea that a certain religion has a lock on morality.
I am a mother who became a mother when it was the worst possible thing a girl could do in the eyes of society. I have managed to grow past the fear and shame and realize what is behind this denigration of the single, young mother. It sickens me, saddens me and, when it comes from a loved one, it gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Even natural families don't seem to get that unconditional love thing.
Yesterday, I got a facetious invitation from Baskin-Robbins to celebrate my "half birthday" (I became 65 & 1/2 on the 14th) with a buy one cone, get one free deal. Time is flying by and I am educated more and more every day. OK, so at the grand old age of 65 & 1/2, I see something very clearly. The problem isn't the pregnant teens. That old chestnut just won't fly anymore. The problem is social engineering and the demand for healthy infants by the "right kind of people." It isn't a "win-win situation" and it isn't caring for the mother or her child. It is bottom-line flesh trading and religious arrogance and manipulation by the self-anointed. It is heartless, covetous, greedy, elitist and painful.
And it stinks to high heaven.
Can I link this to my blog? It goes very well with a subject I am trying to write.
Thought your blog was going to be about dr phils Friday show where he is trying his best to get her baby for a "worthy" adopter. Titled mom before prom catchy isn't it!
Gale, I studiously avoid Dr. Ill.
Oh and the good dr Phil said he was glad he had sons guess he forgot it takes two to do the deed. Dumb and dumber in this day and age. Seems I remember the dr talking about how poor he was when he married his wife.
Was he responsible and couldn't they have waited?
Of course it easier to condem females that way males don't have to step up!
I avoid him too. Must need ratings when he tried to take another teens baby Alex's she wouldn't give her baby up. Although Alex had an intact family her parents were a mess so being older means nothing nada.
He has followed her and has been able to show Alex's problems of single mother to all. He had to prove a point.
Oprah had Octo mom on so they both are looking for ratings. I dislike both of them as they are not genuine only help themselves and it's all show. Normally I don't watch either one of them. Oprah needs to step up and support young women if she hadn't had a miscarriage she would have been a teen mom.
Yep couldn't agree more.Dr Pill? Never watch him, he's too loud, too many assumptions and too much entitlement.
Bravo! As a teen mom who was always a much better mother than those things that adopted my daughter - YOU DARN RIGHT!
You say it so well, great post. I've carried the badge of "Not Good Enough" for far too long, I am getting stronger reading you!
Not sure how it happened, but somehow I missed this exellent post entirely! I am delighted that I found it!
Those myths of motherhood have always gotten me, too. It is more sales techniques from the ubiquitous Adoption Industry designed to increase the marketability of adoption to the provider...tne moms. Sad that they have become so deeply ingrained that they are repeated as truths and no one ever questions the fact that they are not only offensive but STUPID and Illogical.
Above is my blog that I linked.
In my family there's a young man who has never been responsible. Last year he got a girl none of us knew pregnant and still won't admit the child even looks like him. She and the baby live about an hour away so I've only seen them a couple times. One day I watched the baby for an hour when the mom did some errends. She seemed so perfectly happy with me; taking her little bottle, smiling, cuddleing.... sweet and placid. Then suddenly she jumped like she heard something I didn't and sure enough, it was her mom! How easy it would have been to convince my self that she was equally happy with me, but no question, she knew the difference. Plus, (regarding the young mom), I think my Dad now has a new favorite daughter! Clare
Thank you so much for this! I hat those stupid commercials.. 'babies having babies', 'don't be a statistic' etc. Firstly teenagers are not 'babies' and are perfectly capable of caring for babies and children. Secondly, acting as if becoming a young mother will make you a 'statistic' as if you have died or become a member of the seedy fringes of society A) ignores the FATHERS of the children and B) is needlessly small minded and judgemental. I am a teenager and know incredible young mothers. Also because of their youth they are more fun and energetic than older mothers who just want to sit at Starbucks with other moms and leave their kids with nannies/tutors. So anyway..I completely agree with this post!
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